


Shattered

by llcflms



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, F/M, Infidelity, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love, tw: stillbirth, unhealthy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-09-01 08:53:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 135,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16761952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llcflms/pseuds/llcflms
Summary: Hinami tries to deal with her sorrows through seeking Ayato out. Ayato can never turn away the girl he loves far more than he should. Two people with unrequited feelings, dealing with them in very different ways.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This fic contains unhealthy coping mechanisms, heavy sexual content, and plenty of problematic/ dubious things which I absolutely do not condone at all. This is a work of fiction that takes on a more mature, physical take on Ayahina’s relationship as opposed to the typical conventional one. Please feel free not to read this fic if it’s not your cup of tea! 
> 
> Additional trigger warning for stillbirth and infidelity which takes place eventually in the story.
> 
> All sex scenes in this fic are completely consensual.

Her body feels so good that it’s starting to ache. The room they’re in is stuffy and poorly ventilated that her lungs burn for air. But try as she might, it’s too hard to focus on her breathing when she’s constantly panting and gasping hopelessly.

She’s completely naked save for her leggings and a pink pair of cotton panties; the one on her left leg had rolled partly down and it gathers at her knee. Her panties are soaked to the point she can’t even think of wearing them later on. She should have brought a change of clothes along. Why didn’t she even foresee that they’d end up doing this? In one way or another, they always end up doing it anyway.

She’s sitting on his lap, legs bent at the knees and spread as wide as possible. They’re both on the couch, facing the door a short distance away—a door she knows is definitely not locked and free for anyone to open. His hands seemed to have temporarily settled where they’re at, with one rubbing the circles around her clothed clit and one painfully grabbing onto a breast and molding it under his palm.

Unlike her, he’s still completely dressed. She feels the dent in his pants pressing against her butt, but even despite his arousal, he’s as calm as ever, maintaining his usual cheeky disposition. Hinami’s mind is torn between focusing on his fingers down below as it presses against her seeping, clothed entrance and focusing on the other set of fingers which has now taken a nipple and is tweaking it like he would a dial. She feels him lean towards her, nestling his face into the crook of her neck as he lightly presses his lips against her already bruised and blemished skin. A soft gasp escapes her mouth as he lightly nips her, only for her to bite her lip in a fruitless attempt at stifling her moans. His fingers push the fabric to the side, sliding beneath it. She shudders as they brush past her need before he pushes them into her and by then, Hinami is all but thrusting herself against them, desperate from some release.

She feels her stomach tighten as the familiar build up occurs. He knows her well enough as well to know that it’s coming just from her reactions and as he always does, he trudges forward. He shoves another finger in and quickens the pace of his thrust. Hinami has her head thrown back against his shoulder, jaws slackening as her body stiffens up.

“Wanna come?” he snickers, running his lips against her jaw.

“Y-yes…”

“Ask nicely, come on.”

“I… I want to… I want to come… please.”

He takes an earlobe and tugs it lightly between his teeth and a shiver runs through her as her hand grabs his thigh in a desperate attempt to hold on. “You want me to make you come?”

“Yes…”

“Yes, _who_?”

“Yes… A… Ayato…”

He bites harder on her earlobe as he shoves his fingers harder than before, eliciting a loud scream from her. Her eyes roll back into head as she moans his name repeatedly like a charm. Her insides churn as her abdomen is set aflame by the penetrating movements of his fingers. She mewls as he continues to hit that one spot and as he curls his fingers and spreads them. Amidst the pleasure, Hinami marvels at how well he knows her body and how he can easily send her mind into disarray just from simple actions like that—how he can get her completely worked up without even putting too much thought into it.

She feels it coming, the torrent rushing forward in an accelerating pace. Her muscles tighten, cramping up from the weird position she’s in right now. Her thighs are screaming and it feels like they’re about to tear. But she can’t find it in her to bother even if they fall right off her. Everything feels too good— the pain, the pleasure and the heat.

Right as she was about to fall off the edge, everything is stripped away and she’s left overcome with a deafening void. It takes her a moment to blink her eyes open and for her sight to focus. It takes another moment to realize that he’s still holding her, but he’s not touching her anymore and that he’s lifted his head to look ahead, attention entirely caught by something else.

“There’s a customer…” he murmurs.

Hinami hadn’t heard the bell of the main door, but it is no surprise considering she was barely aware of anything. Ayato slides out from beneath her, settling her down on the couch in the same position she was in earlier on.

“Be a good girl and wait for me, okay?” he sniggers, bringing his fingers up to his mouth and licking them clean. “I’m kinda hungry so I’d come back for lunch in a short while. Until then, stay like this, don’t move and definitely don’t think of touching yourself at all.”

She whimpers in response and he gets up to leave. When he opens the door, her heart palpitates at the thought that there are people outside and that they might look in. She knows he knows her reaction as well and even though she’s staring at the back of his head, she just knows he’s smirking.

The door closes, thankfully without anyone catching a glimpse of her. Now alone in the dark room that’s practically void of life, the only thing she’s aware of is the sensation pooling in her lower body. Even though nothing is being done to her, her body is hot and trembling, her warm breath is coming out in slow, deep pants and her hips are shifting against her will. She had been too close; she was just about to go over.

“Ayato… Ayato…” She whispers his name like a soft prayer summoning him. But there’s no sign of his return— no chime of the bell signaling the customer’s departure and no indications of anyone walking towards the door either.

Even without being touched, Hinami is far from getting over the sensation that continues washing over her. If anything, she’s more desperate to be touched, thirstier for something more than just fingers. As time ticks on, the jerks of her hips get more forceful and desperate. Her eyes fall shut as she recalls the feelings of hands all over her, her mind conjuring pictures of the things she’s craving so badly for.

Only, it isn’t Ayato in those fantasies. Instead, it’s _him_ , looking down at her with dark eyes peeking through white bangs, a gentle smile adorning the perfectly squared jaws and a soft, gentle voice murmuring her name in his kind and loving manner— the man she can never have. Her eyes remain close as she pictures his hands running down the sides of her body and him leaning forward to press his lips onto the bare skin of her bare body. She shudders at the thought of him whispering directly into her ears– not the crass words Ayato tends to groan out, but sweet, supportive and loving ones that praise and worship her.

And she realizes that it’s too much and she just can’t wait anymore. Her hand moves to the front of her body, fingers coming into contact with drenched cotton. She starts to rub herself, mewling at the slight friction of the fabric as it rubs against her sensitive clit. Hinami throws her head back against the back of the couch, arching her back as her fingers pick up speed. The torrent now finds its way to her, washing her completely off her feet as the dam breaks and she’s left a sobbing, moaning mess as the current courses through her veins and her body shudders.

She’s too into it, far too into it to realize that she screamed out _his_ name instead and definitely too much into it to notice the light flooding into the room as a certain door opens.

She continues to lay sprawled out on the couch as she slowly open her eyes, wincing at the brightness. She squints at the silhouette in front of her, taking a moment to identify the person before her, and she jolts up.

Ayato’s watching her through weary eyes, slouching forward a little with his hands in his pockets. They stare at each other for a moment before she realized that she had completely forgotten his instructions. For a moment, her mind conjures up various images of her past escapades with him, his cheeky smile as he teases her torturously for not listening to him.

But she notices how that cheeky smile seems completely absent on his face right now and that the Ayato in front of her wasn’t an Ayato annoyed from the loss of his control over her, rather he seems exhausted and disappointed.

“Ayato, I…”

“Why’d you keep coming to me if you’re so thirsty for his dick?” Ayato grumbles.

The fantasies flash through her mind and she stiffens immediately.

“H-How do you–”

“Save it,” he cuts into her words before he turns his back on her. The door is slammed shut and Hinami jolts. She remains as she is for a moment, aside from curling up into a ball and wrapping her arms around herself. She’s breathing hard and she’s completely sticky and wet— she’s a mess. Hinami looks down at herself and sees her panties plastered against her, drenched to the point it was practically transparent. She sees a damp patch beneath her on the couch.

She gags, a wave of nausea surfacing. Her stomach churn again, this time in disgust and despair. It’s in a matter of seconds that Hinami is reaching to the sides and gathering her clothes, pulling them on quickly and desperately. Her head is spinning and she just needs to get out of there immediately. She pulls on her coat, but opts to carry her scarf in her arms instead, grabs her bag and shuffles out of the room at twice the speed Ayato had whisked her in earlier on. She throws the door open and stalks out, walking past the rows of tanks without paying much mind to any of them or the fishes inside. As she nears the cashier, she sees Ayato leaning against it, with one hand in his pocket and another holding a cigarette between his fingers.

“That’s fast,” he murmurs. He’s glaring at her from the corner of his eyes. Hinami feels the nausea worsen.

“You… you were so cruel… leaving me in there… I… I couldn’t help myself…” She forces out an excuse, a useless attempt at a lie.

Ayato watches her for a moment, dropping his bud into a tray he had on the cashier counter. He takes his time to saunter over to her, face blank and stoic, before he stops right before her, way too close for comfort. Hinami drops her head, turning aside to turn her attention to something else, but Ayato lifts his hand to take her by the chin and force her gaze back to him, locking eyes with her.

“ _I’m_ cruel?” he scoffs. “Is that really the case now? Me?”

“You… That—”

“You won’t even let me kiss you,” he cuts in.

“We’re not… like that…” she says weakly.

“That’s nice. We’re not like that, so you’re gonna let me fuck your brains out, but I can’t kiss you or hug you any other time… God forbids I want to sleep beside you rather than with you.”

“I like–”

“I know. And I also know that every time you have my dick up your pussy, you pretend it’s him instead.”

“I don’t do that!” That isn’t a lie, though she’s aware it might not be the complete truth as well.

“Oh really?” Ayato snorts, reaching out to pull her closer to him by her hips. Her eyes widen as he slowly lowers himself to his knees, pushing her skirt up by its hem. His fingers wander to her crotch and he tuts, looking up at her with a raised eyebrow. “You got this wet from thinking about him, huh?”

“No…”

“Does he look good when he does it? Does he feel good?” Ayato asks, pausing for a moment before continuing in a weaker, softer voice. “Better than me?”

_Yes._

“I… try my best, you know… I try to be good enough for you…”

Her eyes burn. Ayato’s gaze soften, his brows furrowing a little more. He reaches for her hands and holds them gently in both of his, clasping them tightly. He looks like he’s begging, or praying even, and Hinami’s stomach lurches at the thought of him on his knees before someone like her.

“I don’t want to be second fiddle to anyone…”

“Ayato?” Her throat burns.

“Yeah?”

“Can… you do something for me?”

Ayato’s eyes widen for a moment, before he narrows them again. “Yes. Sure. Of course.”

_Anything for you,_ she recalls him saying once.

“Let’s end this… for real this time. Don’t… look for me or anything.”

His eyes go round again, but Hinami doesn’t stare at them for long. She pulls her hands away and adjusts her skirt. For what is probably the tenth time since it all began, Hinami walks away from him with those words. Forcefully pushed out of her mind is the fact that she’s always said that yet it’s something that never came to fruit; every time she tries to end things by asking him not to come to her, it’s always her crawling back to him in desperation to just feel wanted and loved. 

Ayato will always be there. No matter what happens he will always be there for her. She knows that, yet there’s never been anything that’s made her feel sicker than it does.

* * *

_I love you, he whispers as he leans forward to try to kiss her._

_I love you, he whispers as he pulls her closer to him in bed, nestling his head in her hair._

_I love you, he whispers as his eyes remain fixed on her and her alone._

* * *

It’s only been three weeks when she finds herself at his door, shivering and drenched as she knocks rapidly on it.

_No,_ she corrects herself, _it’s already been three weeks._ She did well resisting the urge; she did well holding back. She should be full of praises for herself.

Just that day she had seen _him_ again. Face as blinding as ever, he had a brilliant smile that immediately made her heart melt and her cheeks flush. But right as she sees him, she sees the woman with him as well— a beautiful woman, much more so than Hinami can ever hope to be, with dark blue hair curtaining her face till half of it is completely shielded, as if the world is not ready to be blessed with the true extent of her charm. She watches the couple— a pairing that’s the epitome of beauty and perfection— and she sees him mouth the words which shatters her world.

_My beautiful wife._

“My beautiful wife,” he had said, as he reached forward to rub circles on the woman’s belly.

Hinami choked. She’s sick again. She knows she can’t expect anything from them. She’s a nobody in the face of those people. But even when she knows, she felt her eyes sting and her throat go dry. Before she noticed it, she’s already walking hurriedly forward, dashing through the rain without thinking to use the umbrella she has in her back. Her legs lead the way and when she’s finally aware of herself, she’s standing outside his apartment, rapping repeatedly on his door.

Ayato will know what to do. It’s alright no matter how her heart aches and her eyes burn from her tears. He’ll make things right. He’ll make her feel better again. She keeps knocking, forcing herself to ignore the urge to throw up as those thoughts swim in her head.

There’s no response. But he should be in. He has no reason not to. He doesn’t have anywhere else to be.

She might as well just let herself in.

* * *

She had told him not to look for her. She had said she wanted to end things.

And if that’s what she wants, that’s what he’ll give her.

When he hears the knock, he closes his eyes, letting his head slack backwards, partly hanging off the couch. He forces the knocks out of his mind, tries his best to listen to the flowing of water from his three fish tanks instead. Soft, soothing, calming— all without a care in the world. He’s in the middle of nowhere; he’s on an island with white beaches, clumps of trees and nature, where animals run free and happy, where rivers and streams flow cut across the land filled with merry fishes, where he’s peaceful and where he has nothing to worry about— not his rent, not his tuition, not his family and definitely not her.

He hears the doorknob rattle, the noise piercing through the delusional serenity. He opens his eyes slowly, yet not turning to look at the door at all. Instead he sits up straight, reaches for one of the cans on his table and opens it. He stares at the television screen as he chugs the drink down, The television is turned off and the only thing he’s able to look at is the pathetic state his reflection is in right now, but he figures it’s probably better than looking at her. He reaches for another can.

“How many have you drunk?” she asks. He doesn’t reply, but he hears a sigh from her as he feels her approach. He takes a mouthful of the bitter liquid as Hinami comes into his field of vision, bending forward to pick up the empty cans that had fallen onto the floor. He feels himself on edge, a slight shiver running through him at the mere sight of her. He’s such a weakling when it comes to her and he feel so pathetic. Hadn’t he resolved himself to being strong at the face of any adversary? But no, here he is, weak at the knees for merely a little bird like her.

He hates it. 

Hinami places the empty cans on the table and as she does so, his eyes trail along her body. Soaked to the core, her white shirt is completely transparent, giving him a clear view of her creamy skin and the lacy black bra she was wearing underneath.

_Black lace…_ He wonder if she’s expecting something. He bites his lip and forces himself to tear his eyes away from her. It’s always about that and Ayato thinks he must be the weirdest guy in the world, to be able to sleep with such a desirable girl all he wants, yet never being satisfied by it. He’s sure his friends would laugh at him if they ever knew. In the first place, they’re already envious that he’s sleeping with the _super smart, super hot, super pretty_ Fueguchi Hinami– _what more do you want Kirishima, you idiot?_

_She’s not my girlfriend or anything.– Pfft, who cares?_

“Eight…” she chuckles. “That’s enough for the day, don’t you think?”

He doesn’t respond to her statement. Eight cans isn’t a big deal to him. He’s definitely _not_ drunk. Instead, he takes another swing of the beer, draining the can till the last drop. “Why are you here?”

“I don’t know.”

“Go home.”

Hinami furrows her brows, hugging her body close as he stares at her. It’s hard to really continue the unbothered act he’s trying to go for, especially when he’s aching to reach out towards her. 

“I don’t want to be alone today…” she admits. “Can I stay here?”

“I said go home.”

“I… don’t want to be alone…”

“Go someplace else.”

“Can I at least take a shower?”

Even when he’s trying to be cold and heartless, it is too much to ask her to leave in the state she’s in currently. Sighing, he nods and she flashes him a weak smile. Murmuring something about getting clothes for her, he takes the chance to walk away as she heads to the bathroom.

His heart is palpitating like crazy and his palms are starting to sweat. He hates how she still has an effect on him even when he doesn’t want her to; he hates how he loves her still, even when he wants to hate her so badly. 

He still has some of her clothes in his apartment and there’s still some of her shampoo and skin care products in the bathroom. Ayato wonders why he even lets her keep her things there when most of the time she’s here, she’s scrambling to leave the place in distaste after they’re done with whatever they were up to.

Mostly the sex, of course.

Ayato opens the door to the bathroom without bothering to knock, wincing at the bright light of the place. She’s behind the shower curtains anyway. It’s not like he can see her. Ayato places the folded clothes on the shelf, but as he turns to leave, he pauses, standing there quietly as he listens to the sound of the shower. His mind wanders to the gutter and he finds himself picturing her in there. He’s seen her naked before but he’s never see her in the shower. His mind conjures up images of her skin flushed bright pink from the heat and her hair plastered against her, falling till her shoulders. He thinks about the droplets of water cascading down the small width of her back. He imagines her looking up at him through the wet clumps of hair, tiny beads hanging off the edges of her lashes, before reaching out for him with both her arms stretched out towards him.

_Beautiful._

“What is it, Ayato?” she asks. He contemplates simply walking out, but against better judgement decides not to. Leaning against the sink, his eyes fix on the shower curtain, outlining the vague silhouette of her body under the shower.

“What happened this time?” he asks eventually.

“He’s married… and I think his wife is pregnant,” she says. Her answer comes instantly and without hesitation, to the point that Ayato wonders for a moment if she’s being serious, though he knows damn well she is.

“And?”

“I don’t know… I think it finally hit me… that I have no chance. His wife is so beautiful and they look so happy together… and there’s a baby probably… I… have no chance, you know… I guess… seeing that kinda… hurt too much…” Despite it, her voice remains steady and she remains calm.

But Ayato’s past caring. He cares about Hinami’s tales of her stupid crush just as much as he cares about his sister’s tales of her new husband that he’s never met– all of her voicemails remain partly listened to and completely ignored.

“And?”

“ _And_?” She sounds stupefied by his question and honestly, why won’t she be? He knows damn well what she’s here for and he’s too exhausted to bother about it anymore, especially after he saw her sprawled on his couch, calling out for said cursed man.

Ayato pushes himself off the sink and walks towards the shower area. He doesn’t think much about it before he reaches forward and pushes the curtain aside. Hinami yelp and jumps back, but from the way she raises her eyebrow at him, he figures the reaction had more to do with being caught off-guard.

“What?” she mumbles, turning away from him.

“Why’d you come here, then?”

“I told you I—”

“Couldn’t you go to one of your girl friends’ places or something?” he mutters. Hinami shrinks back a little and turns away, rubbing one of her arms.

“I… didn’t think they’d help…” she admits.

“And I would! Oh how wonderful,” he laughs, licking his lips as he eyes her. “Did you think I was going to fuck it better for you?”

“I… No… I just…” She reddens and he figures it isn’t too far off at least.

“God fucking damn it, Hinami,” he snarls, the sudden shift in tone taking even himself by surprise. Hinami jumps a little, looking up at him with wide eyes and he scowls in return. “What the fuck do you think I am? A fucking dildo?”

“It’s not that!” she cries out, looking at him with furrowed brows, eyes watery.

_Oh great, the tears– of course._

“Then what is it?” he growls. He steps into the shower area as well, ignoring the water falling onto him and soaking his clothes. Hinami’s eyes widen as he places his hands against the wall, trapping her between as he leans forward. “If you’re not here for the sex, then what are you doing here?”

“I… I…”

As she struggles for words, tears falling out from the corners of her eyes, Ayato flips her around, pressing her back to his front as he reached downwards. He latches his mouth to her neck, lightly biting her. As his hand comes into contact with the junction between her legs, he sniggers.

“You’re already so wet… You did want it, huh?” he muses, lightly rubbing her.

“N-No… It’s… the water…” she says, her voice almost that of a moan. Ayato chuckles at her terrible attempt at a lie, moving his hand away to take hers and lead hers down there instead, guiding her to stroke it.

“Does that feel like water to you?” he murmurs against her neck and he feels her shake her head in response. He moves his hand away. “Touch yourself… just like you did that day.”

_That terrible, terrible day._ Ayato scowls at the memory. The sight of her lying on his couch, legs spread wide open and fingers moving rougher than ever, hips thrusting forward more indecently the she has ever done with him and with her face scrunched up in an intensity he’s never seen before, is burned into his mind and even when he tries to forget it, his brain conjures it up whenever it can. The sound of her moaning _his_ name with so much more passion that she had ever done for Ayato himself disgusts him– especially at the sound of that one name he had heard from a certain other person before.

He reaches to cup her breasts, massaging them with his hands as he grinds himself against her backside. He feels his pants tighten and a fleeting thought about him still being clothed in the shower surfaces, but it’s gone the moment a loud moan slips out of Hinami’s mouth as he pinches her nipples.

He really shouldn’t be doing this. He really should stop and end things with her for good. It’s better to slowly get over her than to be the replacement he currently is with her. He’s getting nothing out of this relationship. He should end this. It isn’t good.

“Ayato… Please…” she whines as she reaches backwards with her other hand, pressing it against his crotch and lightly rubbing him. Ayato chokes out a hiss, his hips responding to her touch favorably. Hinami pulls his zipper down, reaching into his boxers and enclosing her fingers around him before pulling his dick out, stroking him in long, fluid movements. “Ayato… I want…”

_Fuck fuck fuck._ He knows he needs to stop it right now or it’ll be too late after that. He’ll fall back into the position he was in before; he’ll get kicked around again.

“Ayato…” Her voice is laced with so much need, singing his name in a manner that freezes him for a moment. She whimpers his name again, rubbing him desperately and quickly. He can’t think straight anymore.

_Fuck it._

“What do you want?” he says instead, accompanying his question with a hard squeeze of her breasts that has her screaming his name out.

“I want… I want you…”

“Do you want me to fuck you?” he asks. His hand goes down, moving her away to replace them with his fingers instead. He rubs her hard and fast, till her knees are buckling forward and her hands shoots out to support herself with the wall. Ayato ignores the throbbing of his cock from the sudden absence of her hand and instead focuses on the way she’s trembling and mewling from his fingers.

He knows her body so well. He knows exactly what to do to make her moan and beg.

_Even then… Dammit, why him?_

“Yes! Yes, Ayato!” she cries out, her head thrown back.

“Say it. What do you want me to do?”

“I want you to fuck me!”

In a fluid movement, he has her spun around and hoisted up, smirking at getting her to say it. Hinami’s legs wind around his torso, her arms around his neck, as he pushes himself in. He thrusts into her hard, repeatedly aimed in that one direction, hitting that one spot. Hinami is screaming her moans out, crying out for more and begging him to go faster. Her fingers dig into his back and even though she’s impeded from touching his skin from his t-shirt, it feels just so damn right.

“Fucking… Goddammit Hinami,” he chokes out, feeling her walls around him, hot and wet. “You like that, don’t you?”

“I… I like…” Her words turn into a shriek as he pushes in with a thrust harder than ever, burying his face into the crook of her neck.

“Fucking hell… You’re so wet for me,” he moans.

_For me. Me._

“Ayato…” she whines, hips pushing back against his. “Please… I want… Ayato I…”

_That’s right. Me._

“Say my name,” he instructs. He licks the underside of her jaw, tasting the salty flavor of her skin along with the slight bitterness of the soap that she had probably used in the shower.

“Ayato,” she moans right at his ear and Ayato trembles slightly— so much pleasure; so much need.

_Not enough…_

“Why? Why him?” he murmurs. He quickens the pace of his thrusts, leaving her a begging, mewling mess as she clings onto him, sinking her teeth into the fabric of his shirt. He reaches behind her, arm pressed between her back and the wall, to tug on her hair, urging her to lean her head backwards to give him better access to her neck.

“It’s not fair.” He nips her, another blemish blooming on her skin. “Even though I’m always the one here for you.”

_She’s not entitled to you._

“Even though he’s only hurt you. Even though I’m always helping you.”

_She doesn’t need to know this._

“Even though I love you more than anything…”

She’s nearing release; he knows it from the way she’s tightening around him and panting a disjointed litany of his name. He loves how all she’s able to say right now is his name, but he still has his head on right enough to realize that this is probably the only time that he’ll ever matter to her.

“It hurts… so much… I want to… love you the way I want to love you,” he admits. He wonders what brought on the sudden honesty. Maybe he’s not as sober as he thought he was; maybe it’s the sex; maybe it’s both. “I want to kiss you. Hug you. Go out with you. Hold you. Spend time… with you. Laugh– ngh– and cry with you… Why… am I not– ah– good enough?”

He pushed into her deeper and harder than before as he spoke, and then moves to take one of her breast into his mouth. His ears ring in her wail as she arcs her back and clenches around him, the feeling of her reaching her release pushing him over the edge as well. He comes with a soft cry, burying his face into the crook of her neck.

They stay in that position for a short while, Hinami still clinging onto him tightly. Ayato opens his eyes slightly and he pulls out of her, setting her down, though still holding onto her as she tries to steady herself. The water falling onto them is no longer hot, now freezing cold instead, and Ayato realizes what a big idiot he must look like right now, still dressed while in the shower. His clothes are plastered against his body, uncomfortable and heavy. Once Hinami is seems steady enough on her feet, he pulls away completely from her and reaches to turn off the shower.

“I’m going to change. You should go home,” he says.

“Ayato… about that–”

“Ignore it,” he snaps, cutting in. “You got what you wanted. Just forget about the rest and go home already.”

“Please, this isn’t why I came here for!” she cries out, grabbing onto his arm as he tries to walk out. “Listen, please listen… I want to talk.”

_Nothing new here._ It always started like that anyway– a talk, a little fucking and then her running away claiming a bitter taste in her mouth. He does wonder why she’s not flinging herself out of the door right now, though.

“Just go home. _Please_ ,” he says.

Her grin loosens a little, though only for her hands to drop down to grab his hand instead. “Ayato… I don’t want to do this anymore…”

_Hah. Nailed it._

“Of course you don’t. Now, go on your way,” he sighs, prying her fingers off him slowly. She’ll probably come back in a few weeks anyway, on the verge of tears with a broken heart again. He’ll try not to care, but give in to her again. They’ll have sex again and she’ll forget about things for awhile. Then she’ll realize what just happened and run away from him for another few weeks. The cycle will go as it always does.

“Ayato, please, can you just listen to me?” she replies, audibly annoyed and taking him by surprise for a moment as well. She digs the remaining fingers around him into his skin, hard enough they made him wince.

“Hinami–”

“I don’t want to do this to you anymore!” she cries out. “I… I’m sorry… I didn’t know that you were hurting so much.”

“Look, just ignore that. I was just out of mind… talking some nonsense. I don’t really feel that way– I mean, I love you, but it doesn’t hurt or anything. I’m happy with this. Let’s just keep what we have, okay?” An outright lie, of course, but even when he feels disgusted with the situation, Ayato just can’t upset her anymore. It pisses him off, even more than the things she does to him do, how he just can’t bring himself to stand on his own feet to fight for himself.

“Ayato, please. I don’t want _what we have_.”

“Then? What do you want? A permanent end?” he asks bitterly.

“I want to love you the way you want me to as well…”

“Huh–” His words are cut off as she forces him to look at her, before cupping his face to pull him in for kiss. He knows his eyes shot wide open at this as his body turns to stone. Hinami has her eyes closed, body pressed against his.

_Kiss me, Hinami– I’m sorry, Ayato, I can’t. We’re not in love or anything._

_We’re not in love._

“Hinami–”He tries to speak as she pulls apart for some air, only to be cut off by her lips again. He realizes his eyes are closed as well now and his arms are wound around her, though he doesn’t recall them ever happening. Hinami’s tongue runs along his lips, pushing in slowly as he parts his lips. As he feels their tongues meet, he feels her pushing him, till his back slams against the slick wall. Her hands fist into his hair. Her leg nudges between his, rubbing against his groin.

“Hina… Wait… Please.” Pulling away from him for another gasp of air, Hinami looks up at him, hazy eyes narrowed. Ayato tries to push her away, his mind reeling. “Look, if you want a round two or something, give me a minute–”

He’s cut off again by another kiss. He feels her tears falling against his cheek and he hears the muffled sobs slipping out from her mouth.

_Fuck._

“I… don’t have anyone anymore… Ayato, please… There’s nothing to hold you back anymore,” she whispers against his lips. Her arms wind around his neck, pulling him in for another kiss.

_We’re not in love. You don’t love me._

Hinami litters his jaw with kisses, moving upwards. “I don’t want a second round,” she murmurs, tugging on his piercing with his teeth. Ayato trembles, going weak at the knees. How’s he to resist, when this is what he’s all along been dreaming of?

“H-Hina?”

“Ayato… Make love to me… not like the usual. I want to feel you…”

_Second choice. You’re her second choice._

“Hina…”

_You don’t want to be her second choice._

He ignores the voice of reason and captures her lips in another kiss, while lifting her up in her arms, carrying her bridal style as he walks out the bathroom and heads to the bedroom. His conscience screams at him; nothing good is going to come out of this; she’ll hurt him more.

_Fuck this._ He pushes his logic to the back of his mind as he throws her onto his bed before proceeding to peel his wet clothes off his body. It feels so much better now that they’re no longer sticking onto him and weighing him down, especially his jeans, and he feels like an idiot again for stepping into the shower just like that. He glances up at Hinami, who’s propped up on her elbows as her eyes trail down his frame, pink dusting her cheeks.

“I’ve… never see you naked before,” she admits, looking away from him immediately as her blush deepens.

Ayato climbs onto the bed, moving over to give her another kiss. Hinami wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him down with her as she flops back down on the bed, their lips molding against each other and their tongues running along each other and exploring their mouths. With a tug of his hair, Hinami pulls him away, breaking apart their kiss, before she pushes him to lie on his back and climbs over him.

“Hina?”

With a smile, she reaches over to lightly stroke his cheek before bringing her face down to press a brief kiss on his forehead. “You’re so handsome,” she murmurs, dragging her lips along his skin to pepper his face with kisses.

He ignores the snort of annoyance at the back of his mind, proceeding to wrap his arms around her waist instead. Hinami’s kisses trail down his cheek, to his chin and down to his neck. He bites his lips as he feels soft moans rise in his throat, the feeling of her soft lips on his skin sending soft shivers through his body. As she moves down his torso, his eyes close involuntarily, body trembling from her hair tickling his skin and her fingers stroking the taut muscles of his abdomen. She makes no signs of stopping as she continues moving lower, running her tongue lightly along the ridges of his abs, lightly nipping on his hipbone and rubbing circles around his thigh.

“I’ve… never done anything for you,” she murmurs, taking his dick into her hand, the other still focused on his thigh. “Let me… make you feel good, okay?”

_Gratitude. Guilt. Pity. Fear. Sadness. Desperation._

Ayato ignores himself again, looking down at her. After a nod from him, Hinami leans forward, parting her lips a little. She sticks her tongue out, flicking it against his head. She moves her hand, slowly stroking him, her tongue circling him before taking him in her mouth a little at a time. As he’s enveloped in the warmth of her mouth, Ayato chokes, squinting, yet trying to keep his eyes open to watch her. Hinami scrunches her face, trying her best to take as much as him as she can, bobbing her head as she moves. Her hand remains on the base, stroking what she can’t take into her mouth. She swallows around him and a cry escapes his mouth, one hand flying to his mouth to stop any further noises and another fisting into her hair. She continues sucking, harder and faster, and Ayato groans, closing his eyes and leaning his head backwards a little. It feels good; _it feels so good._

“Hina… Hina, wait. I’m gonna….” he gasps, voice muffled by his hand. He feels her smirk before she pulls away from him, leaving him feeling empty and aching for more. He hears the shuffling of the sheets and he opens his eyes to see Hinami crawl over him, stopping when her face is hovering over his.

She’s smiling. _She looks so pretty…_

Her golden-brown eyes gleam as she looks down at him, leaning forward to press a kiss at the side of his mouth. _Amazing_ , he thinks. She’s been refusing to kiss him for so long, but now he’s getting so much. The absurdity is lost to him as he reaches for her again, holding her close to him.

“I love you,” he murmurs and Hinami’s smile softens a little. She sits back, pulling him up so he’s sitting as well. Straddling him, Hinami positions herself, wrapping her arms around his shoulders.

“Ready?”

“Always, Hina.” He feels a grin on him and he wonders how long it’s been since he’s smiled around her like that.

“You haven’t called me that in so long you know,” she sighs, almost dreamily, and as he thinks back, he realizes it’s true. The last time he called her that was probably back when they could still smile and laugh around each other, back when all the touching they did was playful forehead flicks and nudges– back when they were friends, back when they had a clear label to their relationship.

_Maybe things will change now._

He ignores the inner snort again as he takes her hips and helps guide her down. Hinami’s movements remain slow and sensual this time, long, deep strokes that make him throw his head and moan from the sheer intensity of the sensation it gave. He can feel every inch of her, every corner and every ridge of her hot, well walls. Hinami’s whimpering, leaning against him as her hands trail down his chest, exploring every inch, before sliding under his arms to wrap around him entirely. Her nails dig into his back and he groans, realizing how much better it felt to have her directly touching his skin. He’s been missing out so much.

He stops her movement and pulls her out, only to immediately throw her back down on his bed again and crawl over her. Hinami’s arms find their place around his neck again, locking behind his head, as he parts her legs to push into her again, before thrusting into her with the same rhythm she had been riding him with earlier on.

Hinami’s looking up at him with narrowed eyes, hazy and lost in pleasure. Her hair fans out beneath her, still stringy from being wet and sticking out awkwardly in all angles, but Ayato doubt she’s ever been more beautiful. He rests his forehead against hers, pressing a palm against her cheek and lightly stroking her with his thumb.

“This is… real… right?” he murmurs. _It feels too good to be true._

Hinami laughs a little and he feels her fingers running through his hair, lightly stroking him. “It’s real. I’m here, for you,” she whispers. She tilts her head a little, kissing him again and lightly nibbling on his bottom lip.

_Hina…_

He picks his pace up, still holding her close and still not breaking apart from her lips. Hinami’s legs tighten around him, pulling him closer to her. Even though they’re practically pressed against each other, it still feels like they’re still too far apart. Her fingers are scrabbling his back as she thrusts her hips against him, still kissing him as much as she can. His movements start to lose the prior rhythm, resembling their previous vehement experiences, though the feelings surging within him right now is incomparable to their dormant state back then.

He feels himself going close and he knows she is as well. He quickens his pace even more, until he hits that one spot with enough force to send Hinami clenching around him with a loud moan of his name, which is enough to pull him along with her, shuddering as he came deep within her. He feels his body slacken, collapsing onto her, panting and trembling.

“Fuck,” he curses as Hinami giggles a little, stroking the back of his head like she was doing so a short while ago.

“Did you like that?” she asks and Ayato nods in response. “I wasn’t sure… You’re always rougher…”

“You never said you wanted to make love,” he says quietly.

Ayato rolls to his back, pulling her along with him so that she’s now lying partly on his chest. Hinami snuggles up to him and Ayato wraps his arm around her. They remain in silence for a short while, with Ayato staring at the ceiling, his mind still reeling from what had happened, and Hinami humming to herself as she traced light circles on his chest.

“Can I stay here tonight?” she asks eventually, breaking the silence that was starting to become really awkward.

“Mm…”

“You… would eventually have let me stay as well, right?” she says with a soft sigh.

He’d disagree, though he knows that even if this hadn’t happened, even if Hinami had kept to what she normally did, he’d eventually relent if she continued to probe. But now that he thinks about it, could she have done what he thought she did?

“Did you do this to make me make you stay?” he asks.

“No,” she scoffs. “If I really wanted to, I’d pretend to have fallen asleep just now in the shower.”

It’s hard to tell if that was a joke, but Hinami giggles and Ayato smiles weakly a little. The shower incident seems so far away. It feels like it happened in a whole different timeline and it’s surreal how things changed so much in such a short time.

_Stupid. It’s stupid. You’re stupid._

He winces at his thoughts, but without the sex to keep his mind off them, they’re blaring in his mind, making it spin and making his temples throb. He tightens his hold on Hinami– she’s really there; she’s touching him; they made love; they both loved it.

_Second choice. You’re a second choice._

“Hina…”

He’d really rather not be one. 

“Mm?”

“I… What am I?”

“What are you?” Hinami murmurs, clearly confused. She tilts her head slightly, looking up to meet his eyes.

“Am I…” Ayato pauses, biting his lip. He knows the answer, though he wonders if he’s able to deal with hearing it from her mouth.

“Ayato?”

“No, it’s nothing,” he says instead. He leans forward to kiss the top of her head, before maneuvering them till he was lying on his side and she was curled up close to him, completely wrapped in his arms. He rests his chin on her head and sighs, closing his eyes. “I love you, Hina.”

“Ayato, I…”

“It’s alright… take your time,” he murmurs. _One day… Just say it one day._

“We’ll take this slow, okay?”

“Mm…”

“Ayato?”

“Yeah?”

“Your question… Were you gonna ask what you are to me?”

“Yeah…”

“To me… you are… To me, you’re Ayato.”

He supposes it’s enough.


	2. Chapter 2

The first thing she’s aware of when she wakes up is the sound of the rain falling in the near distance, pelting down rhythmically on zinc rooftops and metal railings. It seems like it’s going to be another lazy day and she’s thankful it’s the term break. Hinami has nothing to do– at least for the week.

Even though it’s a cold day, she’s warm and comfortable, snuggled up under a blanket against a hard chest with strong arms wrapped around her petite frame. She opens her eyes slowly, blinking them to try to orientate herself a little. The raindrops fade from her attention, her ears now ringing with the songs of his deep breaths and soft snores instead. Ayato is still deep asleep and Hinami looks up to see his face smoothen out in strangely peaceful expression.

Ayato is never really expressive around her. He usually has a sullen look, as if he’s too bored or unbothered about the things around him. The only time she really sees anything different is when they’re intimate, though most of the time it’s reserved to cheeky smirks. As she continues watching him, Hinami realises that the only other time she saw a similar relaxed expression was probably in the bedroom the previous night.

_I want to love you the way I want to love you._

Hinami gets up slowly, propping herself on one arm as she rubs her eyes with her other hand. Ayato’s words ring in her mind and she recalls her words to him as well– _I want to love you the way you want me to as well._ She knows she wasn’t lying when she said it to him, but she has to wonder how honest she was about it when she said it. It’s true she had blurted it out in the heat of the moment, but it’s also true that she wants to make him happy and give him what he wants as well.

 _He_ has his own family now and while Hinami had all along known that there never really was a chance for her, it had finally dawned on her how hopeless a dream she had been chasing. Scampering towards her own fantasies, she’d been blind to even her own reality.

Beside her, Ayato doesn’t wake up, but he shifts slightly. His arms tighten their embrace around her waist and he moves to nuzzle against her skin, murmuring her name softly. Hinami reaches over to run her hand through his hair. It’s stringy to the touch and his strands awkwardly stick out in all directions, despite her trying to smoothen them down. Hinami realises that her own hair was probably in the same situation as well, since both of them had gotten into bed while soaked.

She feels her cheeks heat up as memories of the previous night surface– being carried by him into the room, kissing him, touching his bare skin and feeling him in ways she had never done before. They’d had sex so many times before, but it had never been as intimate as it was the previous night, though mostly due to her own fault. She’d made it clear to him from the start that they were not doing it because they’re in love. She herself doesn’t know why she kept coming to him for the sex, but there’s something that keeps pulling her to him– a certain, unexplainable craving to feel him against and inside of her. She supposes it did help her keep her mind off certain things and it made her feel the kind of closeness she wanted but could never achieve with _him_. Yet it always made her sick whenever she looks at Ayato afterwards and she always runs home, overwhelmed with nausea and migraines.

Sleeping with someone who’s in love with you when you’re in love with someone else is a terrible thing to do; Hinami knows that, yet she can’t help it. She’s always made sure to kept the two men apart in her mind and to think of them in different ways; she never lets Ayato kiss her because in the end, _they’re not in love._ It’s fine if it’s just sex. She’s not being disloyal to her love for _him_ if it’s just that. She’d stay away from anything inherently romantic. She’s just with Ayato for the sex and she knows he wants to do it with her as well– so no one loses out, right?

 _Wrong._ She was so wrong and so blind to this fact; she was so blind to everything. She’d never noticed how he was hurting; she’s never noticed that he was never satisfied. Everything about their relationship had been about her. She’d never done anything for him at all, while he’s always ready to jump in front of a bullet for her. Of course, it’s the stupidest thing ever. Why would he ever dedicate so much for a girl who didn’t even give him a second glance? It truly is ridiculous but Hinami can’t bring herself to blame him. The one who was an idiot was her.

It’s dumb– all of it. Her love for _him_ was dumb. Her insistence to keep holding on to it was dumb. Using Ayato to forget her pain was dumb. Setting up those weird restrictions in her mind was dumb. All of it was dumb and she was the dumbest for letting that all happen.

Her hands trail down to his shoulder and she lets her fingers run lightly along the length of his arm. She notices that his arm is slightly lighter that his face; he’s always wearing long sleeves so his arms must be shielded from the sun a lot. His skin is smooth to the touch, muscles taut, yet relaxed as she touches him. Hinami’s never had the chance to really touch him since they’re either always jumping right into the sex or he’s taunting and tormenting her while he remains fully-dressed. But it feels nice to be able to touch him as well and it feels like the previous night wasn’t enough and that she wants to touch him more.

Ayato whines softly and he pulls himself closer to her, now practically flushed against her. Even in his sleep, he seems to be clinging onto her as if he would lose her otherwise. Hinami wonders how it must have felt for him every time she told him she wanted to end things– did it upset him or was he relieved that their pretence was over?

Even if she’s resolved to try and forget _him_ and even if they’re resolved to take their relationship down a different route, it seems like there’s still so much left in the air about them. But Hinami knows that there’s no use thinking too much about all this on an empty stomach so she slowly pries Ayato’s hands off her and climbs out of bed.

Ayato had set aside clothes for her the night before, but they had been left in the bathroom. Hinami heads over and quickly gets dressed, grabbing her toothbrush from the stand to brush her teeth. She muses at how she still has so much of her things in his home, even though she rarely ever stays over. She won’t even be surprised if half of her products in the bathroom had long expired.

Leaving the bathroom, she glances once again at Ayato, who remains sprawled on his bed and doesn’t show any signs of waking. Hinami decides to let him sleep as she goes to prepare some breakfast for the both of them. The empty cans of beer she had picked up from the floor for him still stood on the table and Hinami makes a mental note to nag at him to clear them later. She enters the small kitchen and opens the refrigerator, only to wrinkle her nose at how empty it was. Save for a carton of beer and a couple of eggs, there really isn’t anything else in it. She could fry some eggs for the both of them, but that will be far from a hearty breakfast. After rummaging around in his kitchen, Hinami realises that there was absolutely nothing at all to eat. The cabinet is filled to the brim with instant noodles and chips, but there is nothing suitable for breakfast. It seems like she might have to run to the store a few blocks over and get some stuff.

With her mind made up, Hinami grabs the bag she had left on the kitchen counter and leaves the apartment.

* * *

Ayato wakes up feeling strangely cold and empty. For a long while, he lies still, staring right ahead of him in a blank state of mind. It takes him a moment to realize that he’s completely naked and another longer moment before he remembers why. As the memories flood back in, Ayato feels his cheeks heat up, accompanied by a rush of boyish excitement over what had happened the previous night. It feels almost like a dream, but he remembers every detail far too vividly for it to truly be a dream.

 _She kissed me._ He lightly rubs his lips; he can still feel the feeling of her lips against his. Hinami had reached out for him last night. She had pulled him down. She had pressed their lips against each other. Everything had been her– her choice, her initiative. Last night, she wanted him for who he is and this thought sends a burst of sparks through him. He feels like a little kid at a carnival. 

He sits up and looks around the room. There doesn’t seem to be anyone but him, which is clearly strange since he’s sure Hinami wouldn’t have left, especially after last night. His heart sinks a little at the thought that his fantasies of waking up with her lying asleep in his arms isn’t going to be fulfilled at this moment. Though he’s always been a heavy sleeper so it comes with no surprise that Hinami woke up before him.

Ayato gets out of bed and walks to his closet to pull some clothes on, before he leaves the bedroom. The living room is just as lifeless. He notices the empty cans on the table. Hinami usually cleaned his trash up for him when she’s in a good mood, but when she’s in a bad mood, especially on those days when she’s exceptionally upset with what she did, she’ll usually leave without paying mind to anything.

Ayato swallows the lump that rose in his throat and he goes to the kitchen. She isn’t there either and while he pretends not to notice it, her bag that she normally places on the kitchen counter when she comes over isn’t there as well. Biting his lip, he walks over to the bathroom and knocks on the door.

“Hinami? Are you in there?” He waits for a short while, trying to ignore how the deafening silence is weighing down on his shoulders. He knocks again. “I’m coming in, if you don’t mind.”

The door isn’t locked. He doesn’t hear the sound of running water at all. There had been no reply to his call. He really shouldn’t be as surprised as he is to see the bathroom vacant. The clothes he had left on the shelf are no longer there, though the clothes she wore over to his place remained in the laundry basket, not that it is anything out of the ordinary.

_Again?_

He realises he feels more tired than upset. He walks out, taking another sweep of his apartment, softly calling out for her. There’s no reply, though he doesn’t expect one either. Throwing himself back down on his bed, he curls up into himself, burying his face partly in the duvet and partly in his arms.

_It happened again._

He really should have seen it coming. The previous night was just too good to be true. Nothing really works out for him that well anyway– not his family, not his job and definitely not her.

Ayato closes his eyes and groans out loud. He can still feel the heat from his half of the bed, but the other half had gone completely cold, as if the person sleeping there had gotten out as soon as she can to make her escape. His mind replays the events from the previous night, trying his best to figure out where exactly things went wrong. She’d been the one to initiate it all, so why is she the one who’s missing right now? Hadn’t she been happy as well? Try as he might, his memories only conjure up happiness from both of them, obviously already tainted by his own biased recollections of the scene. He’d been too surprised and excited that he’d probably not realise anything off about Hinami, much less remember it.

 _I told you so._ Somewhere, a voice sings at him mockingly– the same voice that kept asking him to push her away. She was doing it to make herself feel better after what he had told her while they were in the shower. He was the idiot who misinterpreted and build castles in the air of deluded fantasies of the two of them. None of them will happen now. They’re back in that routine. She’s gone now, but she’ll be back eventually when she’s upset again. They’ll fuck again. She’ll run off again. The cycle will start all over again.

And frankly, Ayato is tired. He’s been for so long, yet he can never turn her away and he can barely confront her about it. He’s hopeless, fatigued and undeniably miserable but there’s nothing he can do about it because he’s unable to bring himself to do something about it. He reaches over to caress the side of the bed she had slept on and he finds himself snickering as he pictures himself in the pathetic state he’s currently in.

She’ll be back one day.

_And then she’ll leave again._

She always comes back.

_And she always leaves._

His stomach knots up and he clutches it. He knows he should be getting food, but he doesn’t feel like going to the kitchen. He really should get up; he has work later, he needs to get some assignments done beforehand and he needs to stock up on some food. He doesn’t have all the time in the world to wallow in self-pity when there’s things to be done.

He rolls over to lie on his back, arms stretched out to his sides as his head spins from the dilemma between getting up to get his shit done and staying in bed. His mouth itches. “I need a stick…” Hinami will scream at him. She’s never been a big fan of his habit anyway. But she’s not here to stop him anyway.

* * *

She’s glad that the way to the convenience store is completely sheltered. Since she doesn’t have to use an umbrella, she’s able to get quite a bit of food. Ayato seems to have a terrible eating pattern based on his kitchen and she wonders if he’s struggling with his finances again. Though she has to admit it comes with no surprise seeing the money he’d spend on cigarettes and alcohol. She really needs to get him to stop.

When Hinami enters the apartment, Ayato doesn’t seem to be in the living room or the kitchen. She assumes he’s still asleep and rather than going to check on him, she decides to start cooking the rice first. Setting the things on the kitchen counter, she gets to work. She isn’t the best cook around, but she’s cooked for Ayato before and she knows he likes her food.

Hinami’s in the midst of washing the rice when she hears footsteps. Turning to the entrance of the kitchen, she sees Ayato peeking in, his eyes widening as they meet hers. He stands by the door, blinking at her in confusion and disbelief.

“Hi…nami?” he murmurs. His mouth remains parted as he looks at her, eyes trailing from her head to her feet. She wonders if he’s checking her out or something, though she’s not wearing anything too appealing– just a simple blouse with a black mid-length skirt. On the other hand, she can’t help staring at his clothes– an oversized black sweater with a rabbit on the front and a pair of grey sweatpants. It’s too cute; she can’t believe the guy standing in front of her in that outfit and messy bedroom hair is the same guy who had her pinned against the walls and weak at her knees in the shower last night.

“Oh, you’re awake. That’s a pity. I was going to surprise you with breakfast,” she says, setting the bowl of rice down as she reaches for the rice cooker. Ayato says nothing initially as he walks towards her and looks through the bunch of plastic bags on the kitchen counter. He’s standing close enough for her to smell the smoke on him and Hinami wrinkles her nose. “Did something happen?”

“Huh?”

“I can smell the smoke on you,” she points out. “You only smoke when you’re stressed or upset. What happened?”

“Nothing… I just felt like it,” he murmurs. He pulls a package out and stares at it. “You even bought tofu…”

She’s watching him from the corner of her eye as she works the rice cooker. He doesn’t even appear to be bothered enough to hide the fact that he’s lying, or maybe he’s trying to but doing a surprisingly bad job at it. She finishes setting up the rice cooker and leaves it to cook before she moves closer to him, looking at the package as well.

“I bought it because I know you don’t like fish,” she says. “Does it feel bad to eat them when you’re working with fishes?”

Ayato raises an eyebrow at her and places the tofu down. “No, it tastes bad. Besides, no one eats the kinds of fishes from the pet store.”

“I heard those dragon fishes are sold in some places as food,” Hinami admits, remembering a particular fish Ayato had happily point out to her in the pet store once. She’d went to read up on them, curious about what could have gotten him so excited, and came across that in a forum.

“Their meat isn’t that delicious, even to seafood lovers, and there’s a lot of bones. Anyway, why would people even think of eating them?” he grumbles.

“I mean, it’s a fish… People eat mackerels and tuna. They’re all fishes.”

“Would you eat a rabbit then? Since they’re mammals and you eat pigs.” That smug grin surfacing on his face somewhat annoying and Hinami grins back at him.

“I know they’re a delicacy in some places.”

Ayato blinks, staring at her with his eyes widening at the revelation, and it’s Hinami’s turn for smugness. She reaches for the packet of tofu and starts ripping it open.

“You’re lying!”

“I’m not,” Hinami huffs. “People really do eat rabbits.”

“No one eats rabbits!” he argues, grabbing her by the arm to turn her around to face him. “You’re lying.”

“I’m not lying,” Hinami insists. “I’m not you.”

She hadn’t expected to be given a chance to change the topic back, but she managed to and now she watches as Ayato’s face falls, grimacing a little at her words. He turns away, forcing his eyes to the plastic bags on the counter.

“… I was looking for you just now,” he admits softly.

“I went to the store…”

“I know… but I didn’t just now and… I thought you left to go home or something. You always did that– leaving without a word… I was just thinking about that, I guess. Then I got really upset and my mouth started to itch,” he admits, sighing a little as he turns to her. He smiles a little, but it is clear that he is forcing it out. “Sorry I smell like shit.”

She doesn’t actually mind it as much as she minds the act itself, honestly. She drops the opened packet back onto the countertop and walks over to wind her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her. She smells it on his breath, though it’s not too bad, but chooses to ignore it, tilting her head slightly to press her lips against his. Ayato stiffens in her arms and there is a lot of visible hesitation on his part before he winds his arms around her as well.

Hinami feels his tongue probing her lips and she parts them, letting him slide into her mouth. He runs his tongue along hers, hands pressing hard against the curve of her back. He tastes bitters and almost putrid and Hinami makes up her mind that he’s going to really have to stop smoking if he wants to kiss her some more. But for now, she ignores it and pushes against him, hands finding their place in his hair to tug and pull on the thick strands.

“You’re kissing me,” he murmurs against her lips as they break apart. Hinami hums in response, but Ayato doesn’t give her the chance to say anything else, running his lips down her chin and to her neck. He sucks on the spots she knows are already blemished from last night, licking and occasionally nibbling on her skin. One of his hands slide up her body, pushing her blouse up along with it to run his palm along her body. Hinami gasps softly as he reaches a breast, lightly palming it before he pushes her bra up to reach for her nipple instead.

Hinami’s hips shake with the sensation and she’s feeling the familiar heat pool in her abdomen. She feels his leg move between her own, nudging her crotch. She finds herself rubbing against him, desperate to feel more of him. Ayato raises his head slightly and moves to her ear, licking its length before he takes the lobe between his teeth and tugs lightly on it.

“I’m hungry,” he whispers, voice soft, deep and husky. Her legs go weak from the intensity of his voice, but it doesn’t matter too much as he’s hoisting her up, lifting her off her feet and placing her on the cabinet. He pushes her legs apart and settles between them, slowly unzipping her skirt and pulling it off her. The black fabric glides along her legs before it falls noiselessly onto the floor. She’s left slumping on the countertop, back partly propped up by the wall behind her, with her legs wide open for his eyes.

Ayato eyes the sight with a hungry look in his eyes and Hinami trembles as he licks his lips. He reaches forward, pressing his fingers against the fabric. She’s already damp by then and the glint in his eyes told her that he’s noticed it as well.

“Do you want this, Hinami?” he asks softly, rubbing lightly against her. She feels the cloth dampen and she wiggles her hip, rubbing herself against his fingers even more while cursing the fabric that’s keeping him from touching her directly. Ayato’s smirk widens at her action as he begins to pull panties down, letting it slide down her legs to the ground just like her skirt did. He spreads her legs further, pushing them till they’re up on the counter as well. She can’t possibly spread them any wider for him.

She hears voices behind her; people are walking right outside, right on the other side of the wall she’s leaning on. She in such an obscene position right when people were so close to by. The thought makes her gush and she almost closes her legs, only for Ayato to push them apart again.

“Don’t,” he instructs, reaching out to palm her wetness lightly– too lightly. “Keep them apart for me like that. Be a good girl.”

She likes it when he uses that playful tone with her. She never knows what’s on his mind, but the anticipation just makes things better. He runs his fingers down the full length of her slit before pushing a finger in, all the way in till his knuckles. He curls the finger, lightly stroking her insides, as his thumb rubs circles around her clit. She hears more voices, right outside of his apartment, and Hinami whines, trembling at the proximity between her and those people, biting her lips to keep in any moans.

“You’re squeezing me so hard. Do you like it when people are close by or something?” He’s teasing her, though she hears the hints of genuine curiosity as well. Ayato withdraws his fingers and Hinami would have whine in protest if she doesn’t see him bend forward, his face coming closer to her need. He keeps himself a short distance away from her for a moment, looking up for their eyes to meet. His hands rest on her thighs, rubbing the skin teasingly.

“Ayato…”

“What do you want?” he asks. He pinches her softly and she jolts. “You’re so wet. I can see you dripping right in front of me. Do you want me to eat you out?”

“I… I…”

He grins. Hinami feels his fingers again, this time parting her folds. He leans forward, sticking his tongue out and running it along the circumference of her entrance. He gives her a long, slow lick from bottom to top, moving excruciatingly slow at her entrance and circling her clit. He presses his tongue against it, before leaning in for a nibble. Hinami yelps. She’s so wet right now and she knows that it’s more than his saliva that’s coating her. She’s so turned on right now that it feels like she’s going to die if he continues teasing her like that.

“Ayato… Ayato, please…” Fingers finding her place in his hair, she pulls him forward. Ayato relents, letting her press him against her. His tongue continues stroking her, before he slides it into her, moving in circles as he licks up her juices from her walls. She’s grinding herself against him, panting his name out as her coaxes more moans out of her. His hand slides up her body, undoing some of her buttons, just enough to give him access to her boobs. Her bra is pushed up completely as he takes one boob in his hand, squeezing it while rubbing circles around her nipple with his thumb.

“Do you want to come?” he asks as he raises his head slightly. He moves his mouth to her clit, sucking the hard nub as he teases it with his tongue. His fingers replace his tongue inside of her.

“Y-Yes…” she gasps, as he thrusts his fingers in, finding her spot almost instantly. At her words, he begins pumping his fingers faster and harder. He raises his head to look up at her and Hinami pulls him towards her again, this time leaning forward to mesh her lips against his in a messy, heated kiss. 

“Come for me.” He broke apart just to whisper that against her, before claiming her lips in his again, sucking and nibbling her bottom lip as his fingers curl and slam against her weak spot, till she clenches around him, trembling and whining as she rides it all out. Hinami slumps backwards, eyes squeezed tight and chest heaving. Her head spins and she doubts she’d ever felt something like this before. She opens her eyes when she feels him pull his fingers out of her. Ayato stares at her with a mischievous glint in his eyes, bringing his fingers to his mouth to lick her juices off them. Her heart hammers in her chest as she watches him, before she reaches towards him and pulls him in for a kiss. She tastes a mixture of her juices and the bitter tinge of cigarettes on him and she pulls away, staring at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Stop smoking.”

Ayato furrows his brows. “What?”

“Stop smoking,” she repeats. “It’s bad for you and I can taste it.”

“I can’t help it. I just felt like it,” he argues, sounding completely childish. “My mouth itches really badly sometimes.”

“Find something else instead.”

Ayato grunts. His arms find they place around her shoulders, holding her close to him. His eyes harden as he looks down at her, before he pulls her closer to lean against his chest. “Then, will you kiss me?”

“H-Huh?”

“Whenever I feel like I need a stick… Can I kiss you instead?”

It’s a stupid idea. It’s not like he smokes whenever she’s around. It’s unlikely that he’s going to be able to do so every time. Even then, Hinami’s reaching for him again for another kiss. It’s funny how merely twelve hours ago, she wasn’t letting him do so, but now she can’t resist reaching for him. She knows she hadn’t magically fallen in love with him or anything, at least not in the sense he loves her. But his lips feel good against her. Her mind spins as they brush against hers and she loses herself every time their tongues meet. He tasted good yesterday. He doesn’t taste like strawberries or sweets; he doesn’t taste like anything in particular– anything aside from a taste she can only describe as him.

“I love you.” Against her lips, his voice is muffled and soft, but Hinami hears it loud and clear. She wants him to stop saying that, but she also wants him to never stop saying it. She hates how it makes her feel; her stomach lurches and her throat clamps up. Every time he says it, she realises she doesn’t feel the same way, or to the same intensity as he does for her. Every time he says it, she’s wrought with guilt. He can be with anyone. He’s such a popular guy. He can easily find a girl who’d love and cherish him the way he does with her. But unsatisfying as he is, he stays by her side and Hinami wonders how he’s even able to do so. Would she have done the same in a hypothetical scenario with _him_? Would she have been able to stay by his side as craves someone else merely being there to give him the comfort he longs from the other woman instead?

“I love you, Hinami.” He repeats himself as he trails his lips down her neck. Despite the guilt, she smiles, drowning in the sound of his voice and the feeling of being wanted and treasure. She doesn’t want him to stop saying it. It feels so surreal that someone actually does want and love her, even though they’ve been going at it for months. He’s been her first everything. He’s taken them all. He’s been her first kiss; he took her first time; he brought her out on her first date. Maybe he hadn’t been her first love, but perhaps he can be something more than that.

 _Perhaps._ She can see something with him in future. Part of it is surely because she feels somewhat responsible. She knows she doesn’t have to owe him anything and she knows he’ll hate it if she feels obligated to him, but she is and the fact remains that he’s done so much for her while she’s done nothing for him. She’s not doing this because she’s indebted, rather she wants to do it to make him happy. And isn’t that the first step to loving someone– the desire to see them happy?

The other part is because she really does see something out there with him; that there’s something in the deep blue eyes that looks at her which makes her feel that she doesn’t mind if these are the pair of eyes she’s fated to stare at for the rest of her life; that there’s something about the lean, but taut, body of his that she can continue clinging onto even when all is gone from her life; that the gentleness of his touch his something she’d love to continue feeling for eternity; that she can drown in his deep, playful voice if she has to. Perhaps Ayato is not _him_. Ayato is Ayato and that is no way a compromise at all.

_I want to love you the way you want me to as well._

Her words ring in her memories, louder and clearer that the image of the event itself. She looks at him to meet his eyes, eyes which are now swimming in the deep emotions, conveying his emotions and feelings much more than any word can ever hope to. _He loves me, he loves me._ She’s chanting in her mind as she reaches to stroke his face, lightly tracing his jawline with her fingers.

“I’m blessed,” she whispers. Her hand moves to his hair, curling the soft strands around her fingers. “Thank you, Ayato.”

Ayato blinks. “For… what?”

_For existing. For being here. For holding me._

_For being you._

She shakes her head, laughing her words and thoughts off lightly as she slides down the counter, pulling away from his embrace. She gathers her clothes up, pulling them on and adjusting them. Ayato’s gaze burns into the back of her head and she’s sure he’s curious about her words. But she waves them off and turns to him with a smile.

“If you promise to quit smoking, I’ll let you kiss me whenever!”


	3. Chapter 3

Her fingers grip the cup she’s holding tighter, bringing it closer to her mouth. Despite the cover over it, the scent of her latte wafts out from the small hole on it. She pulls back immediately after feeling the heat radiating out of it though; It’s too hot to drink, even if the weather is cold enough to have her shivering under multiple layers.

Hinami looks into the store again. Despite the crowd, it’s easy for her to locate him. He’s standing at the corner, holding a couple of cans and packages. He doesn’t seem to even bother about hiding his annoyance. With narrowed eyes and a blatant scowl, he taps his feet repeatedly as he burns holes into the heads of those in the queue with his eyes.

Hinami giggles a little. He had asked her to come along with him, but the sight of the crowd in the store changed her mind and she had opted to stand outside instead. It’s cold, but Hinami doesn’t really mind it. She loves the winter. She watches the flakes fall lazily from the sky, reaching her hand out at them once even. She sees people walking to and fro, most of them clinging onto each other, huddling for warmth and comfort. Everyone seems happy and it makes her happy being able to watch them as well. It probably has something to do with the fact that Christmas is coming soon anyway. The spirit is starting to awaken.

Hinami wonders how she’s going to spend her Christmas that year. She wonders if Ayato might want to do something. It’s a thing to spend Christmas together with a special someone, but are they even at that stage? She’s had so much fantasies of spending Christmas with _him_ before, mostly the wishful dreams of a young maiden in love. Everything about her dreams seems mystical– the typical romantic cliches one can easily find in every other romance novel they pick out from the library. She knows she can’t expect any of those things from Ayato. He’s more likely to order pizza for a movie date rather than take her out to eat shortcakes.

She brings the cup to her mouth and takes a sip. It’s still hot, but it’s cold enough for her to drink it without burning her tongue. Her eyes move over to Ayato again. Expecting him to still be focused on the never-moving queue, Hinami jolts a little at the surprise when her eyes meet his. _He’s watching…_ Her cheeks heat up a little as she meets his gaze, her lips spreading into a smile. Their eyes remain locked on each other and despite the slightly tinted glass between them, his eyes shine as bright as ever, gleaming a little mischievously as a smirk tugs on his lips.

“Hinami?”

She blinks, whipping her head to the source of the voice, tearing her eyes away from Ayato. A short distance down, right outside the next store, she sees _him_.

He looks at her, eyes widening at the sight before a smile starts to form on his lips. Hinami’s heart races and she hears a soft whimper slip out of her mouth as he starts to head towards her. For a moment, all she sees is his pair of beautiful ashen eyes, peeking out under his snowy bangs. His slightly plump lips part as he says her name, a small cloud of his breath gushing out of his mouth.

She stands in a daze, before she notices something else. In his arms, she sees a girl, probably around the age of two or three. Almost a splitting image of _him_ , the girl has his eyes and face– that little pointed nose, the same fleshy lips.

“Hinami, it’s you, isn’t it?” he says with an happy smile. “It’s been so long! Are you doing well?”

She smiles back, doing the one thing she can ever do around him. “I’m fine, Big Brother. How have you been?” Her mouth itches to ask about that girl in his hands and the beautiful woman she had seen a long time ago.

“I’ve been doing well,” he says. His head turns to the mini-him, a brighter smile blooming on his face. “I don’t think you’ve met this one here. This is Ichika.”

“Ichika?”

“Yeah! My daughter! Pretty name, right? I picked it. My wife’s Japanese is pretty useless so I had to come up with it myself,” Kaneki laughs, but Hinami wants to scowl. How cruel is it to be the only one picking a name? Hinami would never do that him. Japanese is one of her better subjects– she’d be able to help him.

 _Wife… Wife…_ Her mind chants the word repeatedly. She had already known they were married, but here he is, admitting it outright to her. She’s breaking again. She’s right back at that spot, watching him with the woman again, ears ringing with his words from then again and falling apart again.

“Ken!”

Another voice sounds out again, yelling _his_ name out and Hinami chokes. She’s could never bring herself to ever say his name, but right now, it’s being hurled at her. _Kaneki Ken. Kaneki Ken…_ She takes a deep breath, and then another, hands tightening around the paper cup in her hands.

He turns around at the sound of the voice and while watching his profile, she sees his smile get wider and brighter than ever. Standing a short distance away is a young woman, with fluffy light blue hair falling to shield half of her face, walking over to them with a slight scowl and puffed out cheeks. Hinami’s eyes scans her entire frame, lingering on the slight bump of her navel. It had gotten bigger from back then, Hinami noted.

“Ken! Why’d you run off?” she complains as she stops in front of him, crossing her arms. “The store didn’t have the right one we’re going to have to get some from someplace else…”

Kaneki doesn’t say anything immediately, except for winding his free arm around her to pull her close to him and spin them to face Hinami. He smiles again; his smile seems to be a permanent thing now– permanent and unwavering. “My family,” he says and she’s never heard him sound so proud of something before.

The man who’s never had a taste of happiness, is now drowning in it.

“H-How cruel… Big Brother… You never told me you got married.” She has to feign happiness even if all she wants to do is cry. She forces out a smile and shakes her head.

“Yeah… It was a mini wedding. I only invited Hide…” Kaneki says.

“Oh…” She likes to think she’s important, but she knows she isn’t. She shouldn’t be too upset. Hide had been Kaneki’s best friend back when they were very young, even before Hinami probably existed in this world, or even if she did, she was probably as old as Kaneki’s child. Kaneki hadn’t thought to invite Tsukiyama or Nishio, two other very close associates he had. Besides, it’s not like Hinami and him had been in touch recently or anything. The last time they met, Hinami was probably still in high school.

“Anyway, Ken, who’s this?” his wife asks. “She’s a pretty girl. You’re not cheating on me, are you?”

She’s sure her cheeks must have reddened at those words and she buries her face in the scarf a little more. But she didn’t really have to do it. Kaneki and his wife and too busy staring at each other to notice anything.

“She’s a little too young for that, don’t you think?” Kaneki chuckles.

“No, she looks to be around my little brother’s age,” his wife grumbles.

Kaneki’s eyes soften and he looks back at Hinami. “That’s Fueguchi Hinami. She’s a family friend. I haven’t seen her in awhile.”

“I… was very busy,” Hinami says as an excuse. It’s not a lie, but it’s not entirely true as well. She had been busy but not _that_ busy.

“Are you in college now?” Kaneki asks.

“Yeah… I’m doing Literature… at Kamii…”

“Ah, just like me, I see!” Kaneki laughs again.

_Just like you…_

It feels like Hinami is talking to an entirely different person right now, or maybe their roles had been swapped. She’d always been the one who’s all smiles and laughter while he sits aside in melancholia and grief. But now, while his heart grows and shines, it’s her that’s shattering and falling apart, desperately trying to hold the loose pieces together with whatever she can.

“Kamii…” His wife murmurs thoughtfully. “I think my brother’s enrolled there as well…”

“Really?” Hinami asks. She really can’t be bothered about the brother, but she doesn’t want to appear too rude as well.

“I don’t know if he’s still in there though. He might have dropped out. I wouldn’t really know– my brother and I aren’t really on the best of terms,” she admits, and Hinami almost wrinkles her nose. _What a sister…_

“I… probably wouldn’t have known him anyway… I don’t have that much friends,” Hinami admits. In fact, she doesn’t really talk much even to those she vaguely considers friends. They’re mainly friends because they see each other’s faces for classes everyday. She doubts they’ll keep in touch after graduation. There’s only one person she can really think of maintaining some sort of a connection with for the years to come.

“I’m sure you’ll make some eventually, Hinami. You’ve always been a nice person,” Kaneki says. The smile falters a little, but it’s still there. She senses his pity from his expression.

“I have one really important person and I think he’s enough for me,” she admits.

“That’s nice,” Kaneki’s wife says. “Sometimes you don’t need too many people in life. Just one or two who’s really important.”

She sounds really sad as she spoke, her blue eyes clouding, probably watching a distant memory Hinami herself isn’t privy to. There is something about that look that sinks Hinami’s heart. It looks nostalgic– it’s an expression she’d seen before somewhere. This woman is too eerily similar to someone. Perhaps Kaneki had made the same expression before. But there’s something about the memory that’s associated to that look that makes her chest throb and her eyes water, something about it that makes her feel totally sick.

Kaneki seems to be watching his wife from the corner of his eyes as well and he pulls her closer to him. Her eye shoots open, her hand flying up to press against Kaneki’s chest to steady herself.

“Ken?”

“I found her and it’s the best thing in my life,” Kaneki explains. His hand find its way to her belly, rubbing circles around it lightly. “Ever since all of this happened… I think I’m really happy now.”

It hits Hinami that she was never enough to make him happy, but this woman is. Hinami wants to hate her, but she realises she can’t. The woman looks at Kaneki with a soft expression, completely filled with love that’s reserved for him and only him. Kaneki looks back at her with a mirrored smile. Their kid is the only one who’s looking away, attention caught by something on the other side of the road. That’s his world now. The woman, the child and the foetus in her belly are the pillars holding his abode up. She knows he cares about her, but no matter what, it’s now a bubble she can’t worm her way into now. They’re different, separate entities.

As much as she had told herself she’s over him, she realises she wasn’t back then. Deep down, she still wants him and she still wants the fantasies she had so meticulously created in her mind. Yet she can’t. She can’t tear down his home. The woman makes him happy and it’s what he deserves– who is she to come in between them?

“Anyway, what are you doing here?” Kaneki asks. “Isn’t it too cold to just be standing around?”

“I… am waiting for someone…” she admits, nudging her head towards the store. “He went to get fish food.”

Kaneki’s wife raises her eyebrow. “And he left you here in the cold? Alone? What an asshole.”

“He’s not an asshole!” Hinami cries out and Kaneki’s wife blinks, before a grin starts forming on her face as Hinami tries to form more words. “He… I told him… I’d wait outside…”

“How cute,” she laughs, turning to her husband and slapping him on his arm lightly. “You never told me you knew someone this cute.”

“I… guess I never got the chance to bring her up,” Kaneki admits, looking apologetically at Hinami.

“How rude!”

Their daughter gurgles, almost as if laughing at her parents, though Hinami’s sure something else must have amused her. Kaneki’s wife smiles a warm smile, reaching over to tousle her hair. The girl turns to his mother, eyes widening as she looks at her, before bursting out into giggles.

“Papa is so rude, isn’t he? He’s never spoken to me about this girl before, even though it seems like they’re so close,” his wife continues. Their family is so happy. It’s like they’re defined by that joy. Hinami feels the pit grow in her stomach. She brings the coffee cup to her lips, though she doesn’t drink even a sip. She doubts she can stomach anything.

“Hinami, right?” his wife asks, looking back at her, and Hinami responds with a nod. “Why don’t you come over to our place once in awhile? We can have a meal together and get to know each other.”

 _Their house?_ Hinami doubts she’ll be able to survive stepping into the place where they live. She’ll probably fall dead on the spot. Their home is basically the manifestation of their love– the place the live together, the place they laugh and cry together, the place their kid lives in, the place they do _that_ in.

Even so, Hinami forces out a smile and nods again. “Sure, one day…” Even if it’s an empty promise, Kaneki’s wife doesn’t realise it. She holds her thumb out and flashes Hinami a huge grin, one that’s almost blinding and Hinami realises that there is no reason why Kaneki wouldn’t have fallen in love with this woman. She knows nothing about her, but just from one smile, Hinami gets the impression that she’s perfect in every way possible.

“Touka, we really should go now,” Kaneki says. As the woman looks at him and nods, Hinami feels herself freeze for a moment. That name is familiar. It’s something she’s seen or heard before.

“Touka?” she murmurs.

Kaneki’s wife turns to her, pointing at herself. “My name. I forgot to introduce myself, didn’t I? I’m Kirishima Touka!” She holds her hand out as she speaks, but Hinami is just too far frozen to respond.

_Kirishima Touka…_

She realizes now why it rings a bell. She’s seen the name ‘Touka’ a couple of times– the name that keeps popping up in a certain someone’s phone, only for all the messages and calls to go completely ignored. It’s no wonder she’s seen that same hurt expression before. It’s one that she’s been looking at for so long, one that she had been the very cause of. Now that she really looks at her, despite her feminine features, Touka does actually look like someone she knows very well.

_She looks to be around my little brother’s age._

_Kamii… I think my brother’s enrolled there as well._

_My brother and I aren’t really on the best of terms…_

Hinami wants to throw up.

Touka furrows her brows, tilting her head a little in concern from Hinami’s lack of response. “Hinami, are you–”

“Hinami! I’m done.”

_Oh. OH._

She spins around immediately, somehome praying that her small frame is enough of a barrier between the two people. Ayato hasn’t seen them yet, his attention too focused on the things he has in the bag he’s carrying. Hinami’s right about to grab him and make a run for it, when she hears a soft whisper of his name from behind her.

_Oh no…_

“Dude, Hina, you won’t believe it. I got a freaking bargain. They even threw in live shrimps. My fishes are gonna love them. Let’s go and–”

He looks up. His voice goes silent. His eyes widen.

“Aya…to?” Touka’s voice is soft, faltering as the name slides off her lips. She pushes past Hinami roughly, a surprising turn to the gentle impression Hinami had of her, and rushes towards him. Hinami sees his body stiffen, shivering as he took a step back.

“Sis…” he murmured.

“Where… the fuck have you been?” Touka cries out, reaching forward to grab him by his collar. “I’ve been so worried. You don’t answer my calls or reply my messages. I know you received them– you fucking have your receipts on. You don’t even come back to visit.”

Ayato grits his teeth, his brows furrowing, as he tries to push her off him. “Let me go, you stupid sister!”

“I’m not letting you go!” Touka yells back. “You’re coming home. Right now.”

“I don’t want to. That’s not my home!”

Hinami feels the impact of his words even though they’re not directed at her. Ayato is never mean and rough with her, but right now, he looks like he’s on the verge of slamming his sister into the wall beside them. But his sister stiffens at his words, her grip on him loosening as her hands fall to her side. Hinami sees a small tremble pass through her.

“What… do you mean it’s not your home? It’s always–”

“It’s never been my home, not ever since Mom died!” Ayato hisses. “Dad didn’t give two fucks about me after that anyway!”

“No… No, Father–”

“Shut up,” Ayato snaps instead, cutting into her words. “You chose this, Touka. You chose _him_ over me.”

“Why does there even have to be a choice?” Touka almost screams. “You’re my brother, he’s my husband!”

“You broke our promise!”

“We need to move on. We can’t keep holding on to our past!” Hinami hears the tears in Touka’s voice even if she’s not watching her cry. She tries to get Ayato’s attention. His sister is pregnant. It isn’t good to worry her too much. But Ayato doesn’t seem to notice and he continues staring at her with that haughty, hateful look that Hinami’s never even seen on his face before.

“Move on without me then,” Ayato scoffs.

“Why are you like this?” Touka murmurs. “Why are you being so difficult? You’re not a kid anymore.”

“I know. So leave me the fuck alone,” Ayato snarls. He turns around but Touka reaches for him again, grabbing his arm.

“What are you doing now? Where are you? Are you still in school?”

“Yeah…”

“Don’t drop out or anything… Work hard…”

“I know that.”

“What about money?”

“I’ll manage… I’ve been managing.”

“Come home. I have all the money you need,” Touka whispers.

“I don’t need your money. I don’t need _his_ money,” Ayato hisses back, prying his sister’s hands off him.

Hinami watches the scene partly in awe and partly in worry. She doesn’t understand how two siblings can be so estranged. They’re siblings– they have the same blood, they grew up together and they’re family. How can they be so far apart right now?

 _Stop it, Ayato._ It’s cruel. This is too cruel. She’s pregnant– don’t be too rough with her; don’t stress her out.

“I’m not letting you go again!” Touka cries out again, fingers digging into Ayato’s arms even more. Hinami sees the flash in his eyes and she’s rushing at him even before she can think. Time seems to slow down and everything she sees, she sees in slow motion. But even she moves in that speed and Ayato pushes Touka off him before she can reach them. Hinami’s left agasp as Touka stumbles back, the wave of horror that washes over her clearly evident on her face. She falls to the ground and her hand immediately flies to her tummy, eyes wide and almost tearing. Hinami hears a choked gasp from behind her, but she really can’t care too much about it, her attention entirely on Touka right now.

“Mama!” Hinami’s about to rush to Touka’s side, but little Ichika runs there first, now having been put down by his father. “Mama!”

“Touka, are you okay?” Kaneki asks as he joins them as well, his hand moving to her stomach. Touka’s nodding, though she’s wincing a little. Her breaths are deep and quick. She glances up, clearly at Ayato, before she turns to Kaneki.

“Yeah… I’m fine…” she says, slowly getting up with Kaneki’s help. “Don’t worry… She’s fine as well…”

“Are you sure?” Kaneki asks, softly and gently rubbing her belly. Touka nods, her body slackening into his arms. She nestles into him as he holds her tightly. Kaneki cradles her like he would a baby, murmuring soft words that are lost to Hinami’s ears. But she watches them pressed against each other, almost like one being themselves. Kaneki’s strong arms protectively hold her close, Touka almost sobbing against him. So close. So domestic.

_So in love._

“She’s safe… She’s safe…” Touka whispers.

Hinami’s heart is racing. _The baby… The baby is…_ She takes a step forward, only to feel her arm being grabbed and she’s pulled the other way. It’s a blur as she finds herself being dragged along, her mind merely focused on the image of Touka in Kaneki’s arms. She shakes her head– _no, it’s the baby I’m worried about, the baby._

She blinks her eyes, blurry sight clearing. She sees a head of blue hair in front of her, a body with broad shoulders reaching back and pulling her along from her arm. Her nose wrinkles from the stench that’s wafting about her. It stank, almost like as if one had thrown together the most undesirable of things into a pot and brewed them into a stew. She’s being led through an alley; she never really liked those kinds of places.

“Ayato,” she says softly. “Ayato, stop.”

He doesn’t, but instead, he tightens his grip on her arms and quickens his pace.

“Ayato!”

“We… need to get out of here,” he murmurs. “Home… We need to go back home.”

His voice no longer sounds like it had sounded back when they were out at the store. Hinami watches him and she notices the change instantly– shakier voice, deep pants, trembling frame. She hadn’t expected a sudden change, but it doesn’t come as a surprises as well.

“She’s pregnant,” Hinami says. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

That stops him. He freezes, so suddenly that Hinami almost runs into him. “I… I know…”

“You should have apologized… and made sure she’s fine…”

“I know.” She hears a hitch in his breathing. His hand falls to his side, releasing hers, but Hinami reaches for it, clasping it in both her hands. “I… got so angry. But… it’s okay, right, Hinami? He’s there. She’ll be fine…”

 _Him_ …

Hinami lightly rubs his hand and Ayato tightens his grip. “You… knew all along…” she says slowly.

“What?”

“That he’s married… That I had no chance.” She’s choking out her words.

_That’s not the point. This isn’t the time for this._

Ayato doesn’t reply. He drops his bag onto the ground and turns around to face her, though his head hangs slow, his eyes hidden by the shadow of the bangs. His hands reaches for her shoulders and in one swift motion, she’s pushed against the wall, his body pressing against hers as his lips capture hers in a messy kiss. 

“Aya—” Her moan is cut off by his lips again, tongue finding its way into her mouth. His hands travel all over her body and Hinami is thankful for her thick clothes or god knows what he might be doing to her right now.

Ayato pulls away from her lips, but he continues kissing down her chin, hand rubbing her back. His free hand untangles her scarf and pulls it off her. Hinami whines as she feels the wool slide off her, leaving her bare neck open to the chill of the winter air. There’s a fleeting thought in the back of her mind— they’re in public; anyone can see them; Kaneki and Touka might end up coming here.

 _No._ She has to forget; she wants to forget… and so does he.

“Ayato…” she groans as his tongue flicks against her neck, leaving a wet trail that sends a tremble down her spine. It’s cold, so cold. “You… didn’t reply…”

“Mm… What difference does it make?” he asks against her. “You’ve known from the very beginning that there was no chance…”

“You… didn’t tell me… You could have told me earlier… Ah!” She releases a gasp, cutting into her statement, as he nips on her shivering skin. She feels his hips grind against her, the tent in his pants pressing against her leg.

“Fuck… I need you…” he moans.

“No… Not here…”

Ayato pulls away from her, though he leans over and supports himself by pressing his hands against the wall, keeping her in place before him. He winces as he looks at her.

“I…”

Hinami shakes her head, trying to push him off a little. “Come on, let’s go home.”

“It’s too uncomfortable,” he groans, leaning towards her and nuzzling her neck. He takes her hand, leading it down to his pants and pressing it against his bulge. “Come on, Hina, just a quick one.”

He’s grinding against her hand and Hinami feels her mind falling into the gutter, images of him taking her right there and then surfacing in her mind– hoisting her up against the dirty wall, ripping her leggings and pushing her panties aside to shove his dick into her. She whimpers at the thought, as she presses her hand against him as well.

“We can’t do this.” She forces it out. “We’re in public… Too much clothes… If someone sees…”

_If Kaneki and Touka decided to come after us…_

“I can’t walk like this, Hina,” Ayato mumbles.

“That’s not my problem!”

“It’s because you were rubbing yourself against my dick.”

“I wasn’t!”

“Doing it without even realising… I didn’t think I make you feel that good,” Ayato snickers. He pushes himself off her slightly, bringing his head up so that their eyes met. He stares at her in silence for a moment, eyes half-lidded and almost gleaming. “Then… suck.”

“Wha…?”

“Get on your knees and suck, come on.”

Hinami’s eyes go round as he takes her by the shoulders and flips them around. He leans against the wall, holding her in place. She feels the pressure on her shoulders and Hinami lets him coax her into dropping onto her knees, her face now levelled with the distinct tent in his pants. Ayato looks around and the back at her, nodding as she reaches towards him.

“Make it quick,” he whispers.

 _Touka and Kaneki might show up…_ The thought weighs down on her mind as she pushes his jacket upwards and undoes his belt buckle. Deft fingers unbutton and unzip the jeans without much thought and she pulls his dick out of his boxers immediately. Ayato sucks in a breath as she holds it tightly in her hand, lightly stroking it. His head glistens with precum and Hinami realises just how turned on he is. A small grin tugs on the edge of her lips as she leans towards it, tongue sticking out to lightly flick against his head.

“Hina,” Ayato hisses. “I said make it quick.”

_Touka and Kaneki… Touka and Kaneki…_

She looks up at him, tongue circling the head as her hand strokes his length, both in an incredulously slow pace. His cheeks are flushed and despite his words, Hinami knows he’s enjoying it. Considering the fact that he’s _always_ teasing her, she wonders if he enjoys being on the receiving end of it as well.

“Why?” she asks, tilting her head a little too innocently. “I don’t think anyone’s going to show up.”

_A total lie._

“No… but…” He breaks into a groan as she squeezes him, eyelids falling till his eyes are almost closed.

“Are you worried about Touka and Kaneki? I think I saw them coming after us just now.” She hadn’t. She was scared that they might have; she’s still afraid of them suddenly showing up to see her on her knees in front of Ayato with his dick in her mouth. She’s worried, so he should be as well, right?

Ayato throbs in her hand as he throws his head back, eyes squeezed tight. “Just shut up and suck already.”

“Ayato… You were cruel,” Hinami murmurs. She lifts his dick slightly, pressing her tongue beneath it before running it up along the full length.

“H-Huh?”

She tightens her hold on him, quickening her pace a little. “You… never told me.”

“Shut up.”

She takes him in, though mainly restraining himself to the head, running her tongue around it twice before sucking. The salty beads fall into her mouth and she pulls away, resuming her hand movements instead. Ayato’s staring down at her, eyes hard and mouth curved downwards.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks. One simple question, but he’s frozen as he stares at her. She squeezes him again and he grimaces. “Why? You knew from the beginning, right?”

They started this at most a year ago. Arata seems to be at least two years old. Ayato knew from the very beginning who Hinami was in love with and that that very man is married. _I’m sure one day it’ll work out. Don’t worry, Hinami, one day he’ll notice you. I know your love will get to him. He will have to fall for you eventually. You will get your happiness, Hinami, you will._ Ayato’s former words ring in her mind and she snorts at them– they’re all lies.

It doesn’t seem to register to her that Kaneki Ken is not just married, but he’s married to Ayato’s sister, who he has problems with and can’t get along with.

“Shut the fuck up,” Ayato scowls. “Like I said, it doesn’t make a difference. Get to work already. Hurry.” 

She takes him in again, taking as much of him as she can, till she feels him hit the back of her head. She’s stroking the remaining length as she hollows her cheeks, sucking the remaining precum that’s dripping out of his tip. She runs her tongue around him, pressing the tip against the protruding veins, as she bobs her head. Her ears drown in the songs of Ayato’s muffled moans, and she glances up, watching him bite down on his bottom lips in an attempt at keeping silent.

She hates it.

Her free hand grabs him by the balls, fondling it and giving it one hard squeeze. His hips jerk and he throws his head back, a loud moan falling out from between his lips. Hinami pulls back slowly, letting her teeth graze against his full length as she retreats. She watches him for a moment, a thin strand of saliva still linking her mouth to his dick, before she kisses him on the tip and began running kisses down his length.

“Fuck… Fuck… Hina, I told you to… ah– hurry.” He’s choking as she moves. She presses a kiss on one of his balls and sticks her tongue out to lick the rough skin. She watches a tremble pass through his thighs as she takes it into her mouth, sucking on it messily, saliva dripping down her chin. Her hands move to the hem of his pants, pulling it down along with his boxers till they bunch around his knees. She presses her palm against his skin, feeling the muscles tense as he shivers from the cool air. She slides it to his back, rubbing the firm ass before giving him a hard squeeze and eliciting another moan.

“God fucking dammit, Hinami.” His hands find their place in her hair, pulling her away and leading her back to his dick. Hinami obliges, taking him in again and letting him guide her movements as he fucks her mouth and deep into her throat. Hinami gags from the force of his thrusts, rough and hard, she’s struggling to breathe, especially as the cold numbs her nose. He hasn’t answered her question yet, she realises, and amidst teary eyes and a burning throat, she looks up at him with a glare, which Ayato mimics with a tut.

“What’s with that look, huh?” he grumbles, fingers tightening in her hair. He shoves harder and her throat burns even more. Hinami squirms. Even when it’s the middle of winter, her body feels hot. She forces her attention away from the blazing pit in her abdomen. She’s not turned on. She can’t be turned on.

He quickens his pace even more before he pulls out all of a sudden, one of his hands taking his dick and stroking it at a pace akin to that of his thrusts. Hinami stiffens as he pulls her closer to him again, her eyes falling close instinctively as she hears a choked sigh from him. She feels warmth splattered on her face, thick, gooey liquid dribbling down her forehead, cheeks and chin.

She opens her eyes and meets his. Ayato’s looking down at her with a completely smug expression, sneering at the sight before him. She had expected to maintain control the entire time, but their roles had reversed without her even noticing it. She stares up at him, still partly annoyed.

“I asked you a question, Ayato…” she murmurs. Her throat burns as she speaks and she gulps, swallowing to ease it. Ayato narrows his eyes, but he doesn’t respond immediately. He takes her by the chin to tilt her head, almost as if he is studying her.

“You’ve been a really bad girl, haven’t you?” Ayato coos. She’s being pushed down before she even realises it, back pressing down against the dirty, damp floor as Ayato crawls over her. The wetness on her face turns cold, her skin tingling from the sensation. Ayato’s hand travels up her leg, finding its way to the area between her legs. Despite her panties and leggings, the wetness is apparent, even though Hinami isn’t even sure when she’d gotten so aroused.

“How dirty,” he sighs, rubbing against her.

Indeed, it’s dirty, completely dirty. She’s lying on the floor of an alley that smells like all kinds of secretions, with a face stained with his cum, completely wet and turned on.

“You want an answer, don’t you?” he snarls. “Here’s your answer– it doesn’t fucking matter.”

“Ayato. Wait. No, I–”

“What does it matter if I told you then, huh? Will that change anything?” he snaps. He pushes himself off her and spreads her legs, pushing her skirt out of the way. He leans forward and presses his face against her clothed cunt, licking and sucking the damp fabric.

She ponders over his words, wondering if nothing would really have changed. If Ayato had been honest and if she had known from the very beginning, what would she have done? Would the her with no hope act the same way she did? Of course not. It’s ridiculous to think so. Hope changes everything; it’s the core of human action. She did the things she did because she had hope. She held on to her feelings because even despite logic telling her nothing will happen, somewhere deeper, it felt like something might. That’s why she kept holding on. That’s why she kept coming to Ayato.

Oh.

_Oh._

_That’s why she kept coming to him._

“You… It was all for you…”

Ayato raises his head at her statement. It’s a wonder what she must look like, because alarm immediately flashes in his eyes. She feels hot tears prick the corner of her eyes, but this time, she holds them in.

“You did this! You held it in on purpose!” she cries out. “Just so you can have sex with me, right?”

Ayato’s eyes widen, his expression going from panic, to confusion and then anger. “You think I chose to keep silent so that I can _fuck_ you?”

“Why else would you keep it from me?” she hisses, bringing her hands up to her face, rubbing her eyes with her fists. “All this while… I thought you love me and was supporting me despite everything…”

“I…” Ayato’s voice fade off, mouth hanging open as he watches it. _Bingo._

“I… hate you…”

Ayato’s eyes go wider. “Huh?”

“You’re… such a jerk!”

“What the fuck are you going on about? Why would you even think that?” Ayato flares up. He moves up, hovering over her face to stare right at her. “Did seeing Kaneki mess with your head or something? ”

“S-Shut up!” She’s choking on her words, glaring up at him. This almost feels ridiculous. She can’t believe this at all.

“No, you shut up! Shut the fuck up!” he yells, grabbing her by her cheeks and forcing her to look right at him. “What even are you going on about?”

“I thought you loved me,” Hinami spits out, voice strained and muffled from the way he’s holding her. His hold on her loosens, hand dropping to the side. Hinami rubs her sore cheeks as she stares up at him, challenging him with her stare. “I thought you really loved me… but all you wanted was sex, right?”

_Well, if that’s what you want…_

Hinami reaches out for him before he can even reply, pulling his head down to mesh their lips together. Hinami’s hand fists into his hair, tugging the strands just like he had done with her just now. She feels him moan against her mouth as he presses his hips— when had he pull on his pants again?— against hers. She reaches for the woollen scarf around his neck as well, tugging it off him and tossing it aside.

“Hinami… Wait…”

“You’re just a typical guy.” Hinami pushes him off her to lie on his back. She climbs over him, briefly catching glimpse of a horrified expression, before their lips are meeting again. There’s tongue, teeth and a lot of wet lips in the exchange, with their moans muffled from being pressed against each other. He’s pushing back just as hard, fighting just as desperately. Her hands find the edges of his jacket and she gives it a hard tug, pulling apart till the buttons pop. She pushes the jacket aside, pressing her hands on and running them down his clothed body.

The metallic tinge that appears in her mouth makes her pull away from him. She doesn’t know whose blood is it, but she sees the crimson hue on his lips, even as she tastes it in hers.

“Now you’re really starting to piss me off,” he growls, sitting up and grabbing her by the shoulders, pulling him into a kiss once more. He flips their positions again, still holding her close as his tongue lashes against hers. Hinami struggles against him, unsure if she’s trying to push him away or fight against him for control. But even then, his hips are grinding against each other and she feels him as hard as she is wet. She cups his face, pulls him closer and bites down on his lips. Ayato moans as she does so and pushes her to lie down.

An instinctive move on her part has him jumping back slightly, a pained hiss slipping out of his mouth. Hinami catches sight of a pair of glistening red streaks on his cheek and despite having caused it, she realizes she’s empty of guilt.

Ayato scowls at her, before he’s unzipping her coat and parting it. He does a quick work of her blouse and tugs on the bra. Hinami arches her back in response and he unclasps it and pulls it off completely in mere seconds, tossing the garment aside. She shivers as the cool air hits her skin, but all that is lost to her when Ayato grabs both of her breasts, fondling them as his mouth attaches itself to her neck. He bites down hard on her neck, licking and sucking, and she’s sure she’s bruised by the sting it leaves as he moves to another spot. She feels different bruises blooming on her skin as he continues his work on her neck. She’s too lost to really think much about it, mind swimming in pleasure from how he’s tugging and tweaking her nipples.

_We’re in public… We’re in public. Touka and Kaneki might show up…_

Her hands slide up his body, under his t-shirt as he starts biting the sides of her breasts, marking them as well. Her nails dig into his skin as she runs them all over his body. His pained gasps are lost to her ears as he reaches down with one hand and rubs hard against her soaked leggings.

Ayato growls at the feeling and he moves away to crawl lower, taking her by the shin and pushing her legs apart. He leans his head forward, licking and kissing her damp spot, as Hinami reaches to grab him by the hair and pull him closer, grinding against his face. It doesn’t really matter anymore what they’re doing, right? If the sex is all he’s here for, then she’ll give him just that— pure, unadulterated, animalistic sex. The kind of fucking he enjoys.

“That’s it,” she moans as his tongue runs along her clit. “Good boy.”

Ayato snarls and it’s in a matter of heartbeats that he has her leggings ripped, panties roughly pulled down. He unhooks a leg and pays no attention to it afterwards, shoving three fingers into her leaking cunt. He thrusts them hard and fast, pressing her hips down to keep her from thrusting. She feels the buildup coming and it’s not long before she’s coming over his hand. But he doesn’t stop there or give her any time to rest. He immediately has another finger in, never ceasing with his ministrations.

She’s over-sensitive from all the stimulation. Her mind’s blacking from the intensity surging through her. Her heads thrown back, mouth wide open, yet she’s barely forming any words with them. It feels good, so good, and even if he’s a piece of shit, she doesn’t care too much anymore. She wants to feel him even more.

She comes again, body trembling. Her limbs go limp as he pulls his fingers out of her. She tries to get up, but her limbs are heavy. He crawls over, pressing his fingers to her lips.

“Suck,” he instructs and she’s too tired to resist. He prises open her mouth and slides them in. She responds by running her tongue along them, sucking the juices off them. Ayato moves his fingers, almost as if he’s fucking her mouth with them. His other hand lazily massages a breast. “Good girl.”

He pulls his fingers out of her and returns to his former position, urging her to spread her legs with his knees. He looks up at her, eyes gleaming as he watches her. His gaze darkens as he reaches to brush some strands of hair out of her face. A grin tugs on the edges of his lips. Hinami trembles at the sight despite herself; he looks almost malicious.

“You want this, don’t you?” he asks, licking his lips. “You want _me_ fucking you, right?”

She hesitantly nods and is immediately flipped to lie on her front with her ass in the air before she can reply any further. His fingers continue stroking her, coaxing her to release after release till she loses count of how many time it had happened. He presses harder against her clit that before, rubbing with so much force it starts to burn. It’s hurting so much that it feels good. Hinami is all but asking for more and pushing back against it.

 _So dirty._ His words from earlier ring in her mind. She hates how she can’t hold back. She hates the hunger driving her right now. She hates how she’s enjoying all of it; how Ayato’s pissed off glares and curses make her heart race and stomach churn in anticipation. _More. More._

Her mind goes blank and all she’s aware of are his fingers. She grinding back against him, thrusting along his rhythm. Her fingers dig into the grime of the slick concrete floor. She’s barely fazed even by the stench of it, despite her face being pressed against it. Her voice escapes her; she’s no longer able to hold the screams and moans in. She cries his name out every time she comes. It’s all she can say when he leans forward to lick the liquid dripping down from her.

“Want my dick? Beg for it. Tell me you want me to fuck you,” he sneers as his fingers continue thrusting deep inside her, curling and rubbing.

“I want you to fuck me!” she screams, right as he drags her down to another release. She’s beyond caring about anything— not about how she’s appearing to him right now, not about the fact that they’re in public, not about the fact that Kaneki and Touka might show up and not about the fact that Ayato had been using her all along.

“That’s right. Good girl.” He flips her to lie on her back and enters her without really giving her any time to rest. She’s already used to the overstimulation by now; he’s never given her any time to rest at all. He hoists her legs up his shoulders, pushing in deeper. She’s choking his name out it a litany of moans and sobs, back arching. _Harder, harder._ Her hands reach for him, pulling him closer to her. They snake under his t-shirt, digging into his body and dragging her nails along as they travel around his body.

“You like this, don’t you?” he moans in her ear, running his tongue along the lobe before nibbling lightly on it. “You’re so wet for me right now. What if Kaneki shows up, huh? What if he sees how much of a slut you are for my dick?”

She doesn’t care at all. Her fingers are sinking deeper into him. A fleeting thought passes through her mind that she probably is hurting him, but Ayato doesn’t seem to be in pain and she discards the worry immediately. He continues to plunge deep inside her, hitting that one spot that feels so good and so right with just enough force to pull her to another orgasm. The tremor shoots through her, making her shriek his name out louder than before. Her body continues to twitch as the waves wash over and over her. She’s no longer aware of anything except for how good she feels at that moment. Ayato continues his movements, picking up his pace even as she goes limp under him. He pulses deep inside of her and pulls out immediately.

“You’re mine,” he hisses and she feels his cum splattering over her torso, the only warmth she could feel right now from the cool air. She opens her eyes slightly, enough to watch as the smugness and ire fade from his eyes to be replaced with a more drained and exhausted expression. Somehow, it doesn’t feel like hers. She knows he’s not tired from the sex at all. But she doesn’t have much time to ponder over it when her eyelids are falling shut again.

She’s barely awake as she feels him pull her clothes on for her and takes her in his arms. He lifts her up and gathers the discarded things from the floor as well. Hinami’s head lolls forward, and she’s leaning against his shoulder, supported and almost protected. They’re silent as he walks home, still holding her gently in his arms. She’s too fatigued, almost practically asleep. She assumes she must have dozed off as well while he’s carrying her, because the next time she’s aware of anything, she feels the warmth of water raining down on her. Hinami opens her eyes for mere seconds, sees a familiar shower. She feels Ayato beside her, pulling her closer to him.

“Just rest. Let me handle this,” he murmurs. She feels his hands lightly massage her scalp as he shampoos her hair. There really isn’t anything she can do right now so she concedes, letting herself fall against him and drift away.

* * *

She must have really fallen asleep this time. The next time she’s conscious again, she feels very different. The exhaustion hasn’t faded, but it feels very different from before. Her limbs feel heavy; her bones and muscles ache. Her throat is parched. It feels like she had swallowed a handful of needles and they’re pricking her throat now. She opens her eyes and raises her head a little.

She’s in Ayato’s bedroom, lying in his bed with the duvet wrapped around her. She sits up. Her body screams at her. She realises she’s burning up. Every slight movement makes her feel like throwing herself back down on the bed, curling up and never getting up. But she gets up anyway, crawling out of his bed and getting to her feet. Her knees feel weak and her hips ache. Just how hard were they doing it just now? She hadn’t thought much about it then, but now it’s clear he was rougher than he had ever been.

She starts to head out of the room, only pausing to take a look at her reflection on the mirror as she was about to pass it. She’s in one of Ayato’s shirts, merely buttoned in the middle segments. The shoulders are falling off her, unveiling the skin beneath and the red blotches that decorate random areas of her pale skin.

Ayato must have dressed her after he cleaned her up when she was passed out. She runs her hand through her hair and realises that he even went to the trouble of drying it, on top of carrying her back and helping her take a shower. He did that all for her and Hinami thinks it’s a little hard to believe how he doesn’t actually love her. _Or does he?_

She shakes her head, which spins and throbs the more she thinks. Even though she’s been fine with it in the past, the thought of Ayato really wanting her just for the sex brings hot tears to her eyes and she hurriedly wipes them away with her sleeves. Why hadn’t he told her the truth before? What was the point of keeping her hopeful? What could he want, other than to keep her in a position where she’ll always have to turn to him? It was Kaneki that brought Hinami and Ayato together, as strange as it might sound. They’ve known each other before. They were mere acquaintances, but it was after a fateful first time and a night of confessions that opened them up to each other, that started the whole thing. He wouldn’t have been able to do it anymore with her if he had straight up told her to give up back then. She’d have tried to forget Kaneki and they’d go their separate ways… _wouldn’t she?_

Her head hurts and she clutches it with one hand, rubbing lightly as she walks out. Her nose catches the distasteful reek the moment she sets foot out of the room. She sees Ayato sitting on the couch, completely oblivious to her approaching him.

He’d promise to give up smoking. But he seems to have forgotten it. Slumped on the couch, he fiddles with the cigarette that’s between two of his fingers, eyes staring ahead at nothing in particular, completely glazed over. He brings it to his mouth, only for Hinami to snatch it from him. He blinks in surprise, but by the time he’s able to comprehend what’s going on, she had discarded it into the tray on the table in front of him. He looks up at her, eyes wide in confusion.

“You promised you’d stop,” she said. Ayato tuts, turning away from her and reaching for his packet.

“Not now, Hinami. I’m not in the mood,” he grumbles. Before he can reach it, she snatches it from under his fingers, holding it tightly in her hands. Ayato looks up at her, clenching his teeth a little. “Hina.”

“No!”

“Look, just one stick!” he snaps, getting up and reaching towards her. Hinami’s hands fly to her back, taking a few steps away from him. “Come on Hinami. Don’t be–”

He’s cut off as his phone lights up, the vibrations interrupting his speech. Both of them turn to look at it and Hinami recognizes the numbers flashing on the screen immediately. Ayato makes no attempts to pick it up and both are left standing in silence as the vibrations continue, until eventually it falls silent. The display on the screen changes. _38 missed calls._

 _Oh…_ She recalls the events that had happened earlier on in the day. It’s no wonder Ayato is smoking cigarettes after cigarettes. She recalls seeing at least three others in the tray.

“Why didn’t you pick up?” Hinami asks.

“I don’t know…”

“It’s–”

“Yeah, I know. It’s Kaneki. You know his number by heart. I get it,” he says, a sharp hint of bitterness to his voice. Hinami furrows her brows slightly, annoyed by his tone, but it seems Ayato hadn’t intended to sound so harsh. He turns away sheepishly a second after he speaks, rubbing his neck. “Sorry… I…”

“Aren’t you worried about your sister?” she asks.

“I’m not–”

“You are. You should at least talk to him.”

Ayato falls silent for a moment and he walks over to his phone, picking it up. The screen lights up and he looks at it, before shaking his head and dropping it on the couch.

“What’s wrong?” Hinami asks.

“It’s him…” Ayato says. His voice weakens as he speaks and she sees his eyes narrow. “If… my sister is okay… She’ll be the one calling, right? I’ve… barely ever spoken to Kaneki. I don’t even have his number up till now.”

“Then how do you know it’s him?”

“He sent me a couple of messages as well…” Ayato turns to her, nibbling lightly on the nail of his thumb. “Hinami… I really fucked up, didn’t I?”

“You shouldn’t have pushed her…”

“We’re always like that…”

“But she’s pregnant now.”

“I only noticed after she fell.”

It doesn’t mean anything, but Hinami knows Ayato knows that as well. He isn’t trying to excuse himself at all. He’s just being honest. He slumps onto the couch and covers his face with his hands, crying out in an exasperated yell. Hinami didn’t pay too much mind to it, but she realises he’s merely wearing a pair of sweatpants, his torso completely bare. His body is marred with red streaks running across it. She hadn’t thought she scratched him that hard.

The phone lights up again and Hinami doesn’t have to see it to know that it’s the same number again. She stares at him as his hands drop from his face and he looks down at his phone, picking it up and staring at it.

“Answer it.”

“Hinami, just because it’s him–”

“It’ll make you feel better if you talk to them,” she says as she walks over to him. She climbs over him and straddles his lap, winding her arms around her neck as their eyes meet. “Come on. Answer it.”

“Fine.” Ayato taps on the screen and brings the phone to his ear. His face remains tense and stoic, his vow of silence continuing for a few heartbeats. The place is eerily quiet, to the point the water flowing from Ayato’s fishtanks seems almost overbearing.

She watches as his expression morphs to a grimace and Hinami feels her heartbeat pick up as well. It doesn’t seem like it’s good at all. She wonders if talking to Kaneki really would make Ayato feel better. Hinami remains silent, but she presses her hand against his cheek, lightly stroking him.

 _It’s okay. I’m here, Ayato…_ His mouth twitches a little as he glances at her, offering her a weak smile. Her thumb traces the lines on his face, the red scratches she had made earlier on. It almost feels like she had marked him for herself with all those scratches, just like his bite marks marked hers. Somehow, she feels herself flush at that thought.

“I… see…” Ayato murmurs. There’s a change in his eyes as relief floods over him. His smile now seems more genuine, albeit still small as ever. “I know… I didn’t… Yeah. I’m sorry…. Okay, I’ll try to make time.”

He hangs up and heaves a sigh, dropping his phone on the couch again. “It’s fine. My sister’s safe and the baby is as well… Kaneki is really pissed though. He told me to stop acting like a kid.” Ayato laughs, blinking his eyes a little too rapidly. Hinami wonders if he feels like crying or something and is holding back in her presence.

“That’s good,” she says.

“But… my sister’s a little weird now. Kaneki says she’s locked herself in their room and she’s refusing to eat. He asked me to come over…” he sighs. “But she’ll get through it. I know.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I know my sister.”

Even though they’re discussing it, Hinami realises that he doesn’t seem happy talking about it. She knows he has no intention to visit at all. She also knows that he _should_ visit or he’d definitely end up regretting it. But she doesn’t push it any further, instead opting to curl up against him, resting her head in against the crook of his neck. Her fingers continue stroking his face.

“Does it hurt?” she asks.

“A little…”

“I’m sorry…”

“It felt good when you did it just now though,” he admits with a dry laugh. They fall into another long silence. Hinami’s eyes focuses on the colorful school of fishes in one of his tanks, watching as they swim around the plants, chasing each other. Ayato wraps his arms around her, holding her tightly. It feels nice, she notes once again, to be held by him; it’s something she’s starting to really enjoy.

“Also… I’m sorry as well,” he says. “For… you know… not telling you.”

“About Kaneki?”

“Yeah… I… didn’t want to talk about it,” he admits, “ _at all_.”

She feels like she’s tiptoeing at the edge of a ditch and that one push is all she needs to fall in. Ayato’s face has darkened from earlier and he’s looking right ahead again.

“If you had told me–”

“You’d be devastated. Like you were that day,” Ayato says. “I didn’t want you to be sad. Whenever I said that one day he might notice you and it might happen, you always look up at me with those huge eyes and you look so beautiful that I…”

“That you…?” she urges. He had droned off, but his words were making her flutter. She wants to hear more. Ayato clears his throat, glancing down at her and turning away immediately. It’s dark and she can’t see clearly, but she can vaguely make out the color on his cheeks.

“You know… I…” He trails off again and takes a deep breath. The silence between them is heavy, but it’s different from before. Hinami feels restless, but she stays in place, curled up against him. Leaning on his chest, she’s able to feel the beating of his heart, palpitating at a rate so rapid she wonders if it’s dangerous. He’s not doing anything at all but sitting. The thought of her being the one that makes him like that sends her head to the clouds. _She wants to hear him say it._

“Ayato?”

“Every time you looked at me like that, it felt like I fell in love with you all over again.”

 _Oh._ Hinami continues watching him. He steals a glance at her before turning away completely again. His heart is still beating hard, or it might even have picked up its intensity. He doesn’t look at her again, eyes directed at his tank instead. His red cheeks are too obvious to be denied anymore. Hinami’s mind is reeling. _Love. He said love._

“Is that true?” she asks slowly and Ayato nods. She’s happy, but her stomach still sinks at the thought of her accusations towards him. “Ayato… I’m sorry I said those things.”

“No it’s… It’s fine… I…” He shakes his head and pulls her closer, hugging her tight against his chest. He kisses her lightly on the top of her head. “This is so embarrassing to say but please don’t doubt my love for you.”

She feels so light.

“I won’t… Promise.” She kisses his shoulder in response, nuzzling against him.

“Anyway, you’re burning up quite a bit. Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You should get some rest.”

“Yeah,” she agrees as Ayato stands up, cradling her in his arms. Hinami vaguely remembers the sight from before, imagining Kaneki and the way he held Touka in his arms and the way Touka had responded to it. Hinami nuzzles against Ayato, arms winding around his neck. “Join me in bed…”

“Hm?”

“Hold me for a bit or something…”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for stillbirth in this chapter and for subsequent (frequent) mentions of it.

Ken finds himself pacing to and fro. He wishes he can calm down and relax, but he knows he can’t. _It’s not happening–_ _it can’t be_ – especially not when his wife went into labour a whole month before the expected due date. He already knows that this isn’t going to be the easiest pregnancy for Touka. On the contrary, the doctors had warned them to prepare themselves for the worst. They had gone to multiple clinics for different opinions and every one of them had said the same thing. There’s too many complications. The baby might not survive. The had predicted that the mother’s life would be in danger as well and they had recommended an abortion. But Touka had been adamant to see the pregnancy to its end. Even if it’s hard, she wants to try her best to bring their child into the world, even if she had to risk her own life. Ken had wanted to argue, but he simply couldn’t when she was looking at him with that determined expression– the very expression he fell in love with. At least, he’s glad she saved him the dilemma of having to choose between his unborn child and his wife. He wonders some time who’d he’d choose. Touka, perhaps… They could always try again, right?

_Right?_

Sometimes, it’s easier thinking about things like that. He’s sure he wouldn’t have been able to choose if he had been in that position. In times like this, he’s glad he has Touka by his side.

Ken continues to pace until he hears a throat being cleared. He looks at the other man who’s standing by along with him. Yomo is leaning against a wall, his expression as solemn as ever, while he holds Ichika’s hand. The small girl’s head continues to nod as she yawns and rub her eyes with her other hand. She looks at Ken, sulking visibly.

Sometimes, when Ichika looks at him like this, Ken recalls Touka’s brother– the asshole who isn’t answering or even bothering about his calls and messages despite the fact that his sister is in labour right now.

“Papa…” Ichika whines. “I wanna go home.”

Yomo picks the child up and carries her in his arm, fixing Ken with a hard glare. _Calm down_ , it seems to say and Ken nods. Yomo cradles Ichika, rocking her lightly as the kid nestles her head into his granduncle’s neck. He walks a distance away from Ken, probably to keep Ichika from whining even more in the middle of a hospital. Ken’s glad that Yomo’s around. He’s probably just as worried about Touka. She’s his niece and he’d been by her side and watched her for so much longer than Ken had. But Yomo’s staying strong and Ken knows he has to as well.

If the worst happens, he has to be there for her as well. She might be as strong as– or even stronger than– him. But he wasn’t the one who carried the child in his womb for eight months. He wasn’t the one who had to struggle with all the challenges of pregnancy just to bring a child into the world. No matter how strong his wife is, no matter how much she tries to prepare herself, if things don’t go well, he will have to be there for her.

It feels like an eternity before the light goes off, indicating that things within the room had ended. By then, Ken already knows what awaits him.

_There wasn’t a cry after all…_

* * *

He’s only allowed to see her much later, despite his chagrined protests, but that also gave him some time to get ahold of himself. A look of complete despair had passed through Yomo’s eyes as the doctor relayed the news to the both of them. He didn’t comment on the situation at all. All he said was that he was going home to tuck Ichika into bed. Maybe he wanted some time alone, or maybe he wanted to give Ken some time alone. Either way, Ken realises he feels relieved.

He takes some time to walk around the hospital, mind completely blank, heart completely empty. He doesn’t know what to feel about the whole situation. They had asked him if he wanted to see the kid. He had said no, because he can’t bring himself to see her, especially not without Touka by his side.

They already knew that it isn’t going to work out. They were already told that this is what awaited them. Even then, why does he feel so empty?

He wants to get a drink, but he decides not to. His stomach can’t hold anything in right now. If he eats or drinks, he might just throw up. Instead, he finds a spot with a vacant seat and sits down. People walk past him, but everything’s a flash and a blur. The only thing that really stood out was a little boy, running past him screaming and giggling. He held the hand of a little girl– probably his younger sister– pulling her along excitedly.

Ichika will never get to pull her younger sister along. She probably won’t even know about her until much later, and by then, it’ll be too distant a memory for her to really feel anything about it. Ken wonder what he’ll give up to be able to see both his children happy and _together_. Siblings are a precious kind of relationship– the best in its own way. Ken himself doesn’t know what it feels like to have a sister or a brother. Perhaps the closest he has to a sister is the little orphan girl he’d bonded with a long time ago, right after her parents had died in a brutal car crash. But she grew older and they’ve gotten distant. He still can contact her if he wants to, but he doesn’t really keep in touch. He saw her some time back and it feels like she had grown and changed a lot as well. Yet there had been warmth that filled him when he laid his eyes on her back then, a certain indescribably pride at seeing how far she’s come. Maybe he should put more effort into trying to keep in contact with her. He did feel a little guilty about keeping his marriage from her.

It’s Touka who told him the joys of being a sister. It was her who said that she wanted a second child so Ichika won’t be lonely, just like how she believes she would have been lonelier if she hadn’t had her brother around. Ken wonders how she can continue feeling this way, especially since it had been ages since she had last talked to her brother.

He checks his phone again. He’d texted Ayato and called him a couple of times, but he’d gotten nothing from him. Ken had thought that Ayato would at least answer one of his calls. The other time he did, he had sounded apologetic and regretful. Ken had thought that it’ll have changed things within him, but he hadn’t visited even though he promised to so Ken really shouldn’t be too surprised about his absence now.

It would be nice if he did show up though, especially after all that happened. Perhaps Ken might have gotten a better outcome if he had mentioned the whole complication with the baby. He was in the midst of doing so, but he ended up deleting the text. He probably should leave it to Touka to decide if she wanted her brother to know.

Personally, Ken is still not too fond of that guy. If anything, he questions every single thing Ayato has done. He’s sure he hasn’t been given the full story yet. Touka doesn’t really like to talk about her brother, unless she’s talking about happier times when her entire family was still around. There’s nothing that Ayato had done subsequently that gets him on Ken’s good side at all. All he’s ever done is hurt Touka more and more. Perhaps, if they hadn’t already known about the problems with the baby, Ken might end up blaming the whole thing on Ayato. He did push his pregnant sister after all and he’d never bothered to check up on her. It was Ken who called to inform him, that too after Touka had mentioned how he probably was upset.

That jerk doesn’t deserve a sister like her, honestly.

His phone vibrates in his pocket and he sees that he has a call from the reception desk of the hospital. He knows what that means– he can go and see Touka now. He doesn’t feel like talking to anyone, but he knows that he has to take this. The conversation is quick and he doesn’t talk much, just thanking the receptionist after she gives him Touka’s room number. He’s up on his feet seconds after the call, heading towards her in long strides.

It seemed like some time had passed since he sat down. Apparently wallowing in his hatred for his brother-in-law had distracted him a little and helped to kill time. Perhaps Ayato isn’t as useless as he used to think he is after all.

* * *

Touka’s a shell of her former self. Maybe that expression might be a little bit of an exaggeration. She doesn’t look _that_ lost. She looked much more lost when they first met all those years ago, crumbling under the weight of their family’s financial burdens and her father and brother’s never-ending arguments. But she’s surely not herself right now either. Just twenty four hours ago, she was smiling at him with the usual twinkle in her eyes as she pulled out a new watch she had bought for him. It had caught her eye randomly and she had gotten it for him as an early anniversary gift. He had left it at home in the rush to get Touka into the hospital when she went into labor, but now he wishes he has something to hold onto to keep himself together.

When he enters the room, she doesn’t respond. She continues to stare out of the window, eyes clouded and downcast.

“Touka.”

She jolts a little at the sound of her name and she turns to look at him, offering him a wide, but weak, smile. “Ken…”

“You did well.” He crosses over to her and sits at the edge of her bed. Touka bites her lip and she shakes her head.

“I couldn’t… I didn’t manage to…” She chokes, stopping herself with a deep breath. He sees the water in her eyes and he sees her trying to hold them back. There’s absolutely no reason for her to hold back her tears, not now, not then, but she continues to do so as she has always done. Ken reaches for her hand, taking one in both of his, clasping it tightly.

“You did your best. I’m sure she knows and I’m sure she appreciates whatever you’ve done. In another life, I’m sure she’ll want you to be her mother as well.”

That isn’t lip service. They’re not empty words. He’s sure of it. Touka is a great mother to Ichika and he’s sure she’d have been one to their daughter as well– their little girl who left them even before she could come to them. He wishes they at least named her, but they hadn’t chosen a name yet. They were supposed to have another month.

“I’m sure she’ll want you to be her father as well,” Touka says. Her voice is weak, but he sees in her eyes her belief in him, clearly mirroring his in her. “Where’s Ichika?”

“She’s at home. Yomo took her back so she could sleep. I think Yomo wants to give us space as well,” Ken admits. He rubs the back of Touka’s hand and Touka responds by tightly lacing her fingers with his, locking their hands into a secured grip.

“Did you… say anything to Ayato?”

“No… He didn’t answer my calls and messages.”

Her eyes widen at his words and he senses panic in them, though Ken doesn’t seem to understand why. “So you tried to contact him! What did you say?”

“You went into labour…”

“That’s all?”

“That’s all.”

The panic vanishes and she sighs a little. She’s smiling now, but again, it’s weak and melancholic. “That’s good… I don’t want him to know about what happened.”

“Why not?”

“He’ll blame himself…”

That really shouldn’t be Touka’s concern right now. Ken really doesn’t want her bothering about Ayato at a time like this. But it’s always been in Touka’s nature to worry about others before herself.

“Touka, your brother–”

“It’s not his fault,” she cuts in. “He did something wrong… I know that but… this has nothing to do with _that_ …”

“Touka–”

“I want to see him… Ken, please, I really want to see him…”

“Touka, come on, you know that’s not going to happen,” Ken sighs. “He didn’t care one bit when he hurt you. He doesn’t care now that you gave birth as well.”

“No, he cares. I know he does…”

“So why isn’t he here?” Ken challenges. His bitterness goes unnoticed by Touka, who clamps up as his words, shivering lightly. Ken wonders if he’s too harsh. Maybe now isn’t the best time to be honest with her about that asshole. He reaches over for Touka and takes her by her shoulders, pulling her against him, arms wrapped tightly around her.

“Look, I’ll see what I can do, okay? If Ayato doesn’t respond, I’ll call Hinami instead. Will that be okay?” he asks.

“Hinami…?”

“You know, the girl who was with your brother the other day?”

Touka relaxes in his arms and he looks down to see a small smile spreading on her face. “Ahh… That strange girl who somehow saw something in my useless brother to fall for?” The cheeky, joking tone in Touka’s voice is enough to make Ken relax a little.

Despite his complete aversion to Hinami being in a relationship with Ayato, he’s glad it at least brings some joy to Touka with her now being able to rest easy that her brother isn’t alone like she feared. Though Ken still believes he’s better off talking to Hinami about and giving her a warning here and there. It’s not like Hinami has anyone else to do that for her as well. It must be why she managed to get along with Ayato in the first place– they’re both alone, after all. Just like Touka was at one point in time. Ken wonders how that feels like. He’s been lonely before but he’s never been _alone_. He’s had Hide with him since he was young.

“I’ll call Hinami and see what we can work out, okay? Maybe she can convince your brother about coming along,” Ken says. He really doesn’t want to, but he guess he’ll have to give in if it makes Touka feel better. From the expression she makes, he knows she feels better.

“It’ll be nice… If we called them over for a celebration instead…” Touka murmurs absentmindedly. She looks at Ken, forcing her smile to remain on her face. But she’s a terrible liar, especially to him, who knows her so well. Her watery eyes are telling him that she’s anything but smiling on the inside. She’s weeping and falling apart and that all that’s holding her together right now is the slight hope that she might be able to see her remaining family as a whole again– that same hope, wish and desire that she has always clung onto in the darkest moments.

Her child is gone, just like her mother and just like her father. She doesn’t want anyone else to go. And like it or not, Ken wants to make her wish come true for her. Even if her brother is the most detestable person on earth, even if he’s the person who’s made her silently cry to herself countless times over and over again, he wants to bring him back for her.

* * *

Hinami thinks her heart is going to leap out of her chest. It might be an exaggeration, but she’s quite certain it’s not an impossibility. Her heart is beating so hard. Her ribs might not be able to stand it. She wonders how much it would hurt if her ribs do snap. Ayato had mentioned breaking a couple of bones before and he had said it had hurt like a bitch, to quote his words that is. Well, Ayato being Ayato would have broken a whole bunch of bones at one go. Hinami’s always wondered what he did to even have that happen. He hadn’t said anything much about that incident, except scowl whenever he talks about it and admit that it had hurt far too much and that it wasn’t him, but _someone else_ who broke his bones. Hinami had wondered who even would break Ayato’s bones, but considering his high school escapades, she’s not too surprised someone would.

But back to the point. It had hurt for _Ayato._ A broken rib would make her break down and cry.

She ignores the heart and her ridiculous thoughts and presses the doorbell. She’s staring at a normal door of a normal house, but she’s immediately taken in by what she sees. _This is where_ he _stays._ This is the place he lives, where he eats his dinner, where he relaxes, where he sleeps, where he bathes, where he reads his books and where he can be himself. This is the place she has long to step into for years. She gets to see how she lives; she gets to know him even better, to see things no other person would.

Hinami hears footsteps from the other side of the door and she stiffens, hands running through her hair before smoothening out her dress as she takes one look at her outfit. She’s wearing a simple light green dress with a black cardigan– nothing too fancy, but it’s still a cute outfit. She had asked Ayato for his opinion when she bought it, but she learnt from the experience how bad of an advisor he is when it comes to these kinds of things.

“That’s nice. It looks easy to take off,” he had said with the usual smirk on his face. Of course, that earned him an elbow to the rib. She does, also, vaguely remember him grumbling about how she looked good in anything so she didn’t really need a second opinion on it, but her mother used to say that about her as well.

The door opens and Hinami puts on the biggest smile she can manage. She doesn’t have to force it out. It comes naturally the moment she sees the face of the person who answered the door. Kaneki Ken looks as gorgeous as always, his charming smile and gentle eyes welcoming her and making her feel at home almost instantly. _He’s beautiful_ , she thinks the moment he says her name in greeting and steps aside to let her in. She doesn’t need him to say anything else before she’s practically running into the house.

_So this is where he stays._

“Thank you for coming, Hinami! I hope you’re not too busy today,” he says.

“No, today’s a good day.” She only has classes in the evening and it’s still just morning. She has all the time in the world before she has to leave.

The call from Kaneki had been sudden and out of the blue yesterday, inviting her over for lunch. Kaneki had asked her to bring Ayato along but Hinami knew that there was no chance he would accept coming over with her. She had been honest with Kaneki about that and hadn’t bothered to ask Ayato at all. Kaneki sounded conflicted by her words over the phone; on one hand he sounded a little upset, but on another, he accepted it a little too easily that Hinami felt he didn’t really want Ayato around as well.

“Touka is getting ready so give her some time,” Kaneki says.

“Is she with the baby now?” Hinami asks. Some time back, Ayato had told her that the baby was born already. She hadn’t asked for much details but she had doubted he knew anything much either.

“Yeah… about that…” Kaneki grimaces as he speaks, glancing deeper into the house before he takes Hinami’s arm and pulls her closer to him. Hinami stiffens. She didn’t think her heart can race even more than it had been doing so, but she was instantly proven wrong. She’s close to him– so so close. Just a little more and she’d be pressed against his chest, maybe with his strong arms around her. That very thought itself is enough to make Hinami tremble.

“The baby… isn’t here,” Kaneki says, his voice dropping quite a bit.

“Oh-oh?” she gasps out, trying to focus on anything else but their proximity, even when her voice sounds faked and uncaring. “Where is it?”

“Hinami…” Kaneki sighs. His hand releases her arm before it moves to the back of his neck, rubbing lightly. “The baby… didn’t make it.”

She’s silent as the words sink in. Kaneki gives her the time to as well, eyes fixed completely on her. Normally, she’d probably be happy; he’s staring at her and only her right now. But right now, Kaneki is the last thing on her mind. The baby is gone. The baby died. _But how?_ She wants to ask him, yet she holds back. An image flashes through her mind. Kaneki’s wife, on the floor, eyes wide in horror as her brother watches her a small distance in front of her. Touka had fallen when she was pregnant and that’s dangerous, right?

In that case, was the baby’s death all Ayato’s fault?

“I-I’m so sorry!” she cries out immediately. She feels obligated to apologize, even though she isn’t the one who had pushed Touka down. Maybe if she hadn’t stood out there that day, maybe if she had gone in the store with Ayato and waited with him, she wouldn’t have met Kaneki and Touka– Ayato wouldn’t have met Kaneki and Touka. The baby could still have lived. Maybe if she had cut the conversation shorter. Maybe if she had taken his hand and run off with him before Touka could talk to him. _Maybe. Maybe._

“It’s nothing to be sorry about, Hinami… We were already prepared for this,” Kaneki laughs flatly. He had laughed, but his sorrow poured out of his eyes. Hinami feels herself choking. Something feels like it’s rising in her throat. She hadn’t eaten anything but it feels like she’s going to throw up.

He was prepared, he said. The knew about it apparently… So was that phone call a lie? He had told Ayato that the baby was fine the other day, hadn’t he? Had he lied back then? Maybe he did it to calm Ayato down and to stop him from worrying. That would be a total Kaneki-like thing, lying and putting people before him so that others didn’t get hurt.

“I… I really am sorry, Big Brother! I’m sorry, this is all Ayato’s fault and–”

“It’s not,” he cuts in and Hinami looks up at him blankly. _It’s… not?_ A lie. That had to be a lie. Kaneki is lying again to help with the guilt and not to worry them too much. Of course he’d be like this. It’s in his character. Kaneki is nice and kind.

“Big Brother, please. I know this is because he pushed her the other day so… Please let me apologize properly… to you and your wife…” She chokes as she speaks and as she blinks her eyes, she feels tears falling out. Hinami immediately wipes them away. She doesn’t want him to see her cry, especially not when it’s over his own kid’s death. Kaneki isn’t crying. Even if he looks like he’s about to cry, she doesn’t want to cry in front of him when he’s trying his best not to.

Kaneki takes a deep breath and sighs. He places his hands on her shoulders, turning her to face him completely. “Listen. I’m not going to pretend Ayato is the best person out there. He brought Touka a lot of stress and that _could have_ let to some problems… but Touka’s pregnancy was problematic from the very beginning. We both knew this was going to happen. Ayato might have hurt Touka… but he didn’t kill our child.”

“That’s a lie…”

“It’s not a lie, Hinami… Why would I lie about this?” Kaneki sighs. “The baby was unlikely to survive in the first place… But Touka still wanted to pull through with the pregnancy for that slim possibility. It didn’t work out. The baby died. We were both pretty much prepared for it, though I’d appreciate if you don’t bring this topic up when Touka’s around later.”

She considers the words and nods with a sigh. “So… Ayato… He really didn’t do anything wrong?”

Kaneki’s eye twitches at her words and he forces out a smile, which honestly looked more like a grimace to Hinami. “Well… I wouldn’t say that… but… don’t worry. Your boyfriend didn’t kill his niece.”

Kaneki must really hate Ayato. Hinami had noticed that it usually was easy for Kaneki to pretend around people. She’d seen him interact with people she knew he disliked. He generally was nice to them and could easily hold a calm, composed face. One wouldn’t have been able to tell Kaneki hated them from merely looking at his conversation with them. On the other hand, Kaneki’s distaste for Ayato was practically scrawled all over his face. She wonders what must have happened between the two of them. Ayato hates Kaneki a lot as well. She’d all along assumed it was because of her feelings for Kaneki–

_Wait._

“B-Boy…friend?”

Kaneki nods. “Yeah, Ayato. Your boyfriend.”

“He’s… not my boyfriend…”

“Oh? He’s not? Is he more? A fiancé? A husband?”

“B-Big Brother! It’s not… We’re not–”

“Don’t tell me… He’s the father of your future kid…”

Hinami chokes and she swears her cheeks must be red right now. There’s no way she wants Kaneki to know that she’s sleeping with Ayato. Definitely no way. Kaneki doesn’t have to know that she’s sleeping with anyone in the first place– he shouldn’t. It’s hard to tell if Kaneki is joking sometimes and this is one of those times. His face shows clear interest and he seems genuinely curious about the situation. But for Hinami, this is terrible. Kaneki is getting the wrong idea. Kaneki, out of all people, is getting the wrong idea. He thinks she’s in a relationship with Ayato. Well, she is in some kind of a weird arrangement with him which she supposes can be called a relationship, but it’s definitely not what Kaneki has in mind.

“I-I! I don’t like Ayato at all!” she cries out. “We’re nothing. There’s nothing. Big Brother, the only one for me is–”

“Oh, that’s sad…” A voice cuts into Hinami’s words and it hits her how she was so close to admitting the truth to Kaneki. Hinami clamps up immediately, putting some distance between her and Kaneki before she turns to the source of the voice. Kaneki retracts his hands and even though she’s thankful for it, she can still feel his hands on her shoulders.

“I think Ayato will be pretty sad to hear that.” The words accompany the emerging figure of Kaneki’s wife. She runs her hand through her hair, before she smiles at Hinami, walking up to her slowly. “I think my brother seemed really taken by you…”

“Ms… Kirishima…” Hinami murmurs. _Wait, is that right?_ Hinami wonders if she should have called Touka something else instead. Mrs Kaneki? Ms Touka?

Touka smiles and wraps her arms around Hinami, holding her tightly for a moment before pulling away. “Just Touka is fine. Are you here alone?”

“Yeah.”

“Ayato’s not with you?”

“He wouldn’t come even if I asked him to… I’m sorry,” Hinami admits. Touka’s face falls at these words and Hinami honestly feels bad for her. She doesn’t know what happened between the two of them, but she finds herself a little annoyed that Ayato would even think of making his own sister upset. He’s honestly lucky. Even if his parents are dead, he has a sister. Unlike him, Hinami has no one.

“It’s not your fault… He’s always been like that,” Touka sighs. “He’s a good person at heart, but he can be a little difficult at times.”

“Don’t you think you’re a little too optimistic about your brother, Touka?” Kaneki sighs. A look of slight annoyance crosses Touka’s face, but she says nothing except to turn around and walk towards the table a slight distance off.

“Don’t just stand there, Hinami. Come and have a seat. We have lunch prepared for you. I hope it’s not too early.” The sudden change in topic takes Hinami by surprise, but from Kaneki’s expression, it felt like it’s something they’ve talked about too many times before. He seems annoyed, but more so exhausted. Hinami wonders what really happened with between Ayato and these two, especially with how Touka and Kaneki seem to think very differently of Ayato.

Hinami takes a seat as Kaneki and Touka enter the kitchen. There’s a slightly awkward atmosphere around them right now and even though she can’t hear the exact words, she hears a soft discussion happening between the two of them in the kitchen. Hinami’s confused. They seemed to have a good relationship when she saw them previously. Kaneki looked so happy and proud to introduce her to Hinami. She also remembered how protective he was over her when she fell and how he had spammed Ayato with calls to try and get him to visit Touka as well. Kaneki and Touka had looked like they were so in love.

She wants to know what’s going on and the temptation to sneak over and eavesdrop was too much to resist. She quietly gets up and tiptoes over to the kitchen, pressing her body against the wall as she tries to listen. She doesn’t have to try too hard; she’s always had sharp ears.

“This is getting ridiculous, Touka,” Kaneki grumbles. “You need to stop.”

“You need to stop pretending that everything is Ayato’s fault and that we’re not responsible at all,” Touka grumbles back. There’s the clacking of what Hinami assumes are plates. They probably are preparing some food for her.

“He’s hurt you so much. Why aren’t you seeing that? He left you alone, Touka.” Kaneki sounds exasperated and Hinami grimaces. Why is Touka having a hard time accepting this? Ayato did leave her after all. He’s ignored her all these time and even when they finally met, he went back to pushing her away. Hinami knows that if she is to be in Touka’s shoes, she’d have given up by now.

“And whose fault was it he decided to leave, huh?” Touka challenges. “Kaneki, I know you didn’t mean to and I know it’s not your fault entirely… but you hurt him too, you know!”

That’s ridiculous, right? _Someone like_ Kaneki _hurting someone like_ Ayato _?_ It doesn’t make sense to Hinami at all. Kaneki is kind and gentle. She doesn’t think he’s capable of hurting anyone at all. Ayato would never hurt her, but she knows that’s not the case for everyone. He’s always hurting Touka and Hinami knows about his old notorious reputation from back when they were in high school. He’d picked fights and broken hearts. To think that he’d get hurt by someone like Kaneki– it’s absurd to the point she almost laughs.

But as she listens in to the conversation, she realises something once again. She’s nothing to these people. She knows nothing about them; she knows nothing about Kaneki. It feels like it’s always the case, with everyone. Everyone knows about her problems, but she knows no one’s. She doesn’t know what happened between Ayato and his family. He’s never told her, even though he sits by her side and listens to her every time she cries about her own. She doesn’t know about Kaneki as well, not even back when she was younger. She knew he was an orphan like her. She knew he was lonely like she was. But she doesn’t know what happened to his family, even as he always consoled her over the accident that stole her parents from her.

It’s been ten years, or perhaps even more. But even after all this time has passed, things hadn’t changed after all. She’s still the same clueless little victim that no one will ever confide it. She wants to tell them that she’s not weak. But will they even listen? She’d spent so much time with Ayato, but he still doesn’t feel comfortable enough to open up to her.

_This isn’t fair…_

She returns back to her seat feeling more miserable than ever. She hasn’t found out what happened between them, but she doesn’t feel like finding out right now. Maybe ignorance was better. It’s certainly better than knowing all those things happened to people she thought are close and dear to her, yet being kept in the dark about it.

Touka said that Kaneki had hurt Ayato. Yet he kept silent about it even when Hinami spoke about how great of a person Kaneki is. Did that hurt him? _Did she hurt him?_ She wouldn’t have done that if she knew what happened.

Touka and Kaneki come out of the kitchen with a couple of plates. They place them on the table and Kaneki takes a seat, while Touka walks away to the corridor. Hinami panics for a moment, wondering if Touka might have gotten annoyed, but she calms down the moment she notices an extra plate, a kiddish and smaller one.

“Is she going to get your daughter?” Hinami asks.

“Yeah. Ichika gets too distracted when she’s playing. She forgets she’s hungry and her stomach starts acting up,” Kaneki explains with a slight chuckle. “I hope you like omurice. Touka forced me to cook it today. It’s her father’s own recipe.”

“I don’t mind it,” she replies. _Kaneki cooked._ She’s going to eat Kaneki’s cooking. Her heart races at this thought. She’s watched dramas where girls ate the food guys they liked specially cooked for them. In the end, no matter how bad the food is, they always taste good because of love, right? She wants to squeal– to think she gets to live through such a corny experience. Ayato will never cook for her. That guy would probably burn the apartment down in the process. But Kaneki can cook and he did. _Really, he’s the perfect guy._

A silent voice in her head coughs at her. She’s supposed to be getting over Kaneki. He’s married. He didn’t cook this because he loves her; he cooked this because the woman he loves asked him to. But even as logic is being flung at her, Hinami turns away. She fixes her eyes on the plate of omurice. It looks like a normal plate but even then, she’s never been this excited to dig in.

“Touka thought Ayato might suddenly show up as well so she insisted on this,” Kaneki continues. “Apparently, it’s his favorite back when he was a kid. Their father always cooked it for him whenever he was down… We made some extra for him as well.”

“For Ayato? But he isn’t here…”

“Touka insisted that we packed it and get you to deliver it to him if you happen to be dropping by his place or something.”

“I could do that.” If she has some time to kill, she’d probably go back to her dorm to study a little more, but dropping by Ayato’s place isn’t a detour. It’s still on the way to school.

“I’m not too fond of it though…” Kaneki admits with a sigh.

“It’s really no problem, Big Brother! His apartment is on the way to school. Besides, I think it’ll be better if he has some proper lunch… Otherwise he’d just eat convenience store food again. I don’t have time to go over and cook some lunch for him.”

Kaneki remains silent for a while, before he glances at where Touka had disappeared to. He inches closer to Hinami and lowers his voice. “It’s not that Hinami… Personally, I’m just not a big fan of you hanging out too much with Ayato.”

 _He’s jealous…_ Hinami slams the thought down the moment it surfaces in her mind. God, it sounded so stupid.

“Ayato is a good friend,” she says. “He’s always there for me.”

“Are you sure he’s just a friend? It didn’t seem that way to me that day,” Kaneki grumbles.

“We’re not together.”

“Touka was very confident about Ayato’s feelings towards you,” Kaneki says. “And even I… I saw the way you were looking at him when you waited for him.”

Kaneki thinks she’s in love with Ayato. Hinami feels her throat go dry.

“Even if… that’s the case, Big Brother… why does this bother you?” she murmurs. He shouldn’t care, right? He’s in love with Touka. It’s not like Kaneki has feelings for her. He shouldn’t care about who she’s dating or seeing.

“Hinami…” Kaneki sighs. “Look… I care about you and I love you–”

Her eyes go wide and it feels like her body freezes, as does the time around her. He said it. He said he loves her. This feels too surreal. Kaneki loves her? But why? Why would he love her? What’s so special about her? She’s not nearly as pretty as Kaneki’s wife. She doesn’t know a thing about that woman, but even then she already knows she’s amazing. She has to be a strong person after all she’s been through. Hinami isn’t a strong person. She’s weak. She’s a crybaby. There’s no reason he should love her; there’s no reason anyone should love her when there are others around.

Now that she’s thinking about it, she’s never asked Ayato why he was so in love with her as well? She had hurt him a lot but he’s still by her side. She’s never thought anything about her was attractive and lovable in the first place.

 _Big Brother… I…_ She doesn’t know what to say. Should she accept it? Should she turn him down? She and Ayato are not officially dating, even if they hang out too much for normal friends. But Kaneki isn’t just together with another woman; he’s married and he has a family. She doesn’t want to ruin that.

“–You’re like a little sister to me,” Kaneki continues and Hinami feels like she’s on a roller coaster. Never once had her hopes risen so high up only to come crashing down in the matter of seconds. _Of course,_ that’s what he means. She feels so dumb for taking it another way— so dumb that she feels like crying right there and then. But Kaneki continues to talk and she’s thankful that she’s able to look down at her food and not keep eye contact with him. He seems oblivious to her emotions, or even if he did notice, he must have taken it as her response to what he’s saying. What’s he saying, again? She realizes she hadn’t been paying attention. 

“I don’t get it,” she grumbles instead.

“God, are you listening to me?” he sighs. “I’m telling you that the only thing Ayato’s good at is hurting the people who loves and cares about him. I don’t want you to get hurt, Hinami. You’re the closest I have to a family outside of my wife and kid.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She’s annoyed. She’s so so annoyed. She can’t believe the situation. She wants to slam her head against a wall and black out permanently. The embarrassment is killing her.

“Fine then. I’m telling you straight right now. End things with Ayato and stay away from him.”

That snaps her out of her thoughts and she looks at Kaneki, eyes wide in disbelief. “What? But why?”

“How many times are you going to make me repeat myself?” Kaneki groans. “He _will_ hurt you, Hinami. You might think the both of you are in love now but it won’t stop him from hurting you. He hurt his own sister, for god’s sake.”

“He won’t hurt me…” Hinami murmurs.

“I’m telling you, he will. You think you’re in love but—”

“I’m not in love with him, Big Brother,” she cuts in. “You got it all wrong. It’s Ayato who loves me.”

Kaneki’s brows furrow at her words, but he stays silent as Touka shows up, carrying a sulking little boy in her arms. “I’m sorry for the delay. Ichika wouldn’t stop her game,” she laughs. She takes her seat in front of Hinami and places Ichika on the seat beside her.

“It’s fine,” Kaneki says, eyeing his daughter. “You have to listen to Mama more or I’m going to take all your games from you.”

Arata looks horrified by this statement, but Touka only sighs and pats her daughter’s head. “Don’t listen to Papa. Don’t worry, he won’t do that,” she says. Hinami watches as Touka takes a spoon and scoops up some food for Ichika before holding it out to her. The girl takes the spoon and slowly puts it into her mouth before she starts chewing on in. Touka smiles, ruffling her hair. “That’s my girl.”

“They grow up so fast,” Kaneki sighs. “Look at my girl, Hinami. She’s feeding herself now.”

Hinami chuckles. Watching Kaneki and Touka with Ichika makes her feel really warm and soft. This must be what it’s like to be a part of a family, she supposes. It’s been far too long since she had one. She doesn’t really remember what it felt like to be doted on and loved. Touka and Kaneki must be extra protective of Ichika right now, especially since they had lost their other child. She can see it in both their eyes; they’re looking at her with a different look than they did the other day she saw them.

Everyone is going through their own things. And again, she feels like an outsider. She doesn’t know how things are going for them now and even if she asks, they will probably tell her not to worry and that everything is fine.

“Are you thinking about your parents?” Hinami’s head snaps up at Touka’s voice and she looks up at her in surprise. The older woman’s eyes soften and she reaches out to Hinami, placing her hand over Hinami’s. “You had a distant, nostalgic look in your eyes when you’re looking at us with Ichika. Kaneki told me you lost them some time back and you’ve been alone since then.”

“No… I… I just realise… it’s been so long. I forgot what it’s like… to be a part of a family.” It’s hard to speak about it. She’s choking as she does. But she forces herself to keep in her tears. She doesn’t want to cry now. She shouldn’t. It’s not her who should be sad. She lost her parents years ago. Touka and Kaneki are the ones who are grieving now.

“Kaneki says you’re like a sister to him. I hope you can see me like that as well. You’re welcomed to be a part of this family, Hina, you really are,” Touka continues. She called her ‘Hina’. No one’s ever called her that aside from her parents and Ayato.

“You saved me once from the loneliness I felt when my own parents died. I know we’re not as close now, but I hope you realise you’re not alone in this world,” Kaneki murmurs.

“Nobody ever is alone, Hinami. Even if you can’t come to us, I’m sure you can rely on Ayato at least,” Touka continues. She pulls her hands away and picks up her spoon. “Now, eat. The food’s going to get cold.”

She doesn’t think she can eat. Her stomach is churning and the lump in her throat hasn’t faded. She wants to cry, but it’s not because she’s sad. She feels something else right now. She wants to say something but she doesn’t know what. Instead, she picks up her spoon begins eating as well. The food is delicious. She’s not too surprised it is, considering Kaneki cooked it. She’s never eaten Kaneki’s cooking before but it’s rare that Kaneki is ever bad in something. But she wishes she can enjoy it as much as she wants to, but her mind is reeling from everything.

A family sounds nice. It’s something she has along dreamed of– herself, back with her mother and father. They’ve always been there for her back then and it felt empty when they were gone. She knew she only managed to pull through and survive because Kaneki was there by her side. They drifted the moment Hinami was old enough to stand on her own two feet. She hadn’t forgotten him back then. Her longing for him only grew. Perhaps it was the security that Kaneki gave her that made her fall for him and to continue longing for him to be by her side again.

_I love you. You’re like a little sister to me._

She still feels really sick. Maybe dropping by Ayato’s place after this will be a good idea after all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somewhat an additional chapter but not so much a whole chapter on its own. More of a 4.5 than a 5 but AO3 doesn't let me number it as such.
> 
> Touka's perspective of the story.

It feels like she’s just going with the flow. She isn’t taking control of her life; it’s taking control of her. She goes to the cafe because she has to. She eats and drinks because she has to. She meets Yoriko for lunch and coffee because she has to. She kisses her husband to sleep every night because she has to. She takes her daughter to playgroup because she has to. She does everything simply because she has to. It’s like moving on after losing someone has become a norm to her.

Ken is trying his best to improve things. It’s clear to her. He brings home her favourite flowers every day. They have too many vases of hydrangeas now. He cooks dishes she likes and brings her out to her favourite restaurants. He wakes Ichika up early on Sundays to make bunny-shaped pancakes for her. “Mama! We made breakfast for you!” the small girl would scream when they’re done, jumping onto her bed to wake her up as Ken watches with a smile from the doorway.

 _Aren’t you sad, Ken?_ She wants to ask him but the words die on her lips every time. Of course he’s sad. He must be dying inside just like she is. But she doesn’t know how to support him. She doesn’t know what she can do for him. She makes him coffee with pretty latte arts sometimes and he smiles and thanks her. But that feels like nothing. He always smiles and thanks her whenever she makes coffee for him.

There’s really only one thing Touka can do to cheer him up. She smiles. At everything he does for her, she smiles. Even if she’s crying and breaking inside, Kirishima Touka smiles. She knows her husband. Nothing makes him happier than her happiness. It’s why he did everything he did for her— supporting her through the toughest times after her father’s death, dealing with all her brother’s high school delinquency even when he hates him and moving into her place which holds too many memories for her to leave.

Ken has made mistakes along the way. He’s probably done things that can never be undone, even things that have hurt her more than helped. But she’s always been his priority, both her and Ichika. He’ll never do anything to consciously hurt them. He’ll always be there for them. He’ll always love them. More than anything, she wants to have faith in him. She’s lost too many things in life to lose him too. Even if she has to turn a blind eye to things, Touka would. 

Because even in the darkness that she is now, a spark of light refuses to be put out, not as long as Ken and Ichika are here.

Touka watches in silence and Ken based farewell to the girl at their door, seeing her off. From the moment Ken had introduced her as Fueguchi Hinami, a weird feeling of familiarity had set in on her. Touka feels like she knows this girl, or at least her name. It’s been bothering her ever since that day outside the pet store, but she’s never thought much about it. Her problems with Ayato had immediately taken centre stage in her mind. But now, having the time to sit and talk to her, it finally dawns on her just who this girl is. Though that’s not all Touka sees. She seems something that bothers her even more than that— the way Hinami looks at Ken, the way she reddens when she’s close to him, the way she gets defensive over her relationship history and the intonation of her speech when she talks to him.

 _Hinami likes him._ Touka doesn’t think it’s love. It seems to flippant and superficial for that. She isn’t even bothered if the person this girl is crushing on is her husband. She trusts Ken. He’d never do anything with anyone else, especially not someone who he sees as a younger sister more than anything else. Hinami has no chance.

But even then, her crush bothers Touka, especially since the girl who has her eyes on her husband is the same girl who Ayato has been in love with since the start of his three years in high school.

Ken closes the door and walks over to the table, picking up the plates as Touka watches him for a moment.

“She’s a nice girl, isn’t she?” he muses. “She said she’ll take the food to your brother. His apartment is on the way to her college apparently.”

So Ayato lived pretty close by. It’s surprising she’s never seen him around before.

“I’m glad. I’m worried about whether he’s eating properly,” Touka sighs. Ayato is about as good a cook as she is. Left to their own, the siblings had always opted for convenience store food rather than even attempt to cook something. She gets proper food after being married to Kaneki but she doubts Ayato bothers with that now that he’s living alone.

“Hinami seems to be cooking for him usually,” he replies. “I don’t think you have to worry about that but… She kinda goes a little too far for someone who’s just a friend, don’t you think? Even though she said he’s the one who likes her, I can’t help but wonder…”

“She never really said that Ayato’s just a friend, not that I remember,” Touka admits.

“She said it when you went to get Ichika…”

“She could be lying after she saw how you’re against it.” 

Ken grimaces and he puts the plates back down from where he had just picked them up from. He turns to her, a solemn expression forming on his face— the same look he had when he said the words that pushed Ayato away from them in the first place. “So they are together,” Ken almost spits out.

“No, I think that’s unlikely as well,” Touka sighs. A look of confusion crosses his face and Touka smirks. “Hinami is clearly in love with you.”

She doubts she’s seen her husband so confused and horrified in her life. His eyes shoot open wide and his mouth parts slight, a bright red blush tinting his cheeks. The sight is ridiculous and Touka can’t help the laugh that bursts out from her mouth.

 _Oh._ She’s laughing— a real laugh, not a feigned one.

“B-But… Hinami is… Hinami is like a sister! Touka! Don’t joke around like that!” he cries out. There’s something about the way he pouts in response to her that makes her laugh even more. Kaneki Ken is a pretty good-looking man, but he’s never been the hottest person out there. But he has his charms and this certainly is one of the things that drew her to him in the first place. He’s too irresistibly cute.

“I’m not joking,” she says, choking between her laughter. “Well, love might be an exaggeration but she surely has feelings for you.”

“I… I didn’t even do anything…” Ken grimaces at this and lets out a soft sigh. “So? Are you jealous?”

“Of course not. I know you better than that,” Touka scoffs.

“But… You don’t seem happy with this at all.”

“I have no reason to be happy when someone else has a thing for my fucking husband.”

“What I mean is… Touka, you seem… upset. More upset than you’d be if you really aren’t jealous.”

Touka hesitates. She knows they’re going to disagree on this entirely. Maybe it’ll be better to leave things as it is and let Ken continue to think she’s jealous. But he continues to look at her with a curious expression and Touka doesn’t want to change the topic. She wants to confide in him. She doesn’t want him to feel like she’s been keeping things from him. It’s times like this where they have to be strong together and rely on one another, right?

“I’m just… worried about Ayato,” she admits. Ken’s eyes harden but he manages to keep a stoic expression, mauling over her words for a while.

“You’re always worried about him.”

“What I mean is… He and Hinami…” She trails off. How should she phrase it? What should she say? She can’t just tell him “I don’t like that girl being around my brother if she’s just using him,” because Ken seems to really dote on her.

“I don’t support of that, even if you do,” Ken admits.

“I’m not too… fond of it myself,” she says slowly, carefully choosing her words as she speaks.

“Strange. I thought you were really happy about it.”

She considers his words, nibbling her lip as she thinks. She will be happy, but only if Ayato’s in a fulfilling relationship with someone that cares about him as well. She doesn’t know enough about Hinami, but if she really does like Ken, won’t that hurt Ayato?

“Ken, what do you think their relationship is like?”

“Just friends?” he suggested. “You said she likes me, so that means she doesn’t like him, right?”

“Didn’t you notice her reactions when you were talking to her just now? I was watching the two of you before I stepped in,” Touka says. Ken’s frown at her words is evident enough that he didn’t and she’s not too surprised by that. He’s as oblivious as ever. This is the same guy who missed her many hints back when they weren’t dating yet after all. Sometimes things just had to be shoved into his face before he noticed it. “They’re sleeping together.”

He makes no visible reaction to her comment and that’s enough of a reaction to tell her what is going through his mind. _Ha ha Touka, that’s really funny._ He doesn’t believe her, or maybe he doesn’t want to believe her.

“I’m serious, Ken. She got more flustered when you implied they’re sleeping together than when you mentioned marriage and engagement.”

“That’s impossible, Touka. Hinami is not that kind of person,” he says with a soft sigh. “She’s… like a kid, you know?”

“Ken, she’s in college. She’s old enough to make her own decisions and face the consequences for her own actions. Isn’t that what you say about Ayato?”

“Ayato’s different.”

“How? They’re the same age…”

Ken falls silent at her words and sighs. He picks up the plates again and enters the kitchen, still without saying anything. Touka doesn’t know how to take this. He still seems to be in disbelief, but it’s also possible that he’s just upset at the turn of events. She waits in silence, listening to the sound of running water as he does the dishes. She thinks over what she’s just said, not really wanting to believe it as well.

Touka honestly does like Hinami. She seems like a really sweet girl. From what Ken had told her, it seems like Hinami and him had each other at a point in time where they were both alone and had no one else. Hinami was a very young girl back then and Ken had been a little older. It’s not that surprising that Hinami did end up developing romantic feelings for him while Ken did not. He’s always seen her as little girl and Touka supposes it’s still the same. Ken would never reciprocate Hinami’s feelings and from Hinami’s eyes, Touka knows that she realises this. Maybe that’s what pushed her to Ayato in the first place.

“So you’re telling me that Hinami likes me but for some reason, she’s sleeping with Ayato.” Deep in her thoughts, Touka hadn’t noticed him walking out of the kitchen. As he speaks, he pulls out a chair and takes a seat close to her.

“I think she realises she has no chance with you and since Ayato does like her…”

“Touka, Hinami isn’t that kind of a person,” Ken sighs, crossing his arms. “Maybe Ayato got into her head.”

“Ayato isn’t that kind of person, come on. He’s an idiot and he does a lot of things wrong but even he’s not that low to trick a girl into sleeping with him,” Touka snaps back in annoyance. “Besides, he’s hot enough. If he wants sex, he can get it easily.”

“Sure he can,” Ken snorts, completely sarcastically.

“You’re not really someone to talk, considering you only lost your virginity to me way after college.” Ken scowls at her words but he can’t really argue back, not when Touka is actually right. She has to wonder if there’s any way to settle things between Ken and Ayato or if they’re going to continue hating each other even when the world is ending. She feels like the latter seems more likely. Enemies even till the bitter end.

“She uses him like some kind of replacement then,” Ken murmurs. “It’s hard imagining Hinami doing something like that.”

“I find it hard imagining Ayato letting himself be used like that,” Touka admits. “The two of them must be really lonely.”

Ken murmurs a soft agreement, much to her surprise. But he has a point. Ayato might have been the one who chose to leave home, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to be alone; it simply meant he doesn’t want to be with them in that house which probably brought him a lot of pain. She’s never blamed him for leaving and she never will, though that doesn’t mean she doesn’t miss and think about him every single day since he did.

“Hey, Ken.”

Her husband looks up at her. “Yeah.”

“Thank you for calling Hinami over. I know you did it to make me feel better.”

Ken smiles weakly at this, shaking his head. He reaches for her hand, taking it in his. “I’m sorry. I know it’s Ayato you wanted.”

She mimics the smile, tightening the grip on his hand. “I… don’t expect you to do the impossible. You’re already going out of the way for me so much…”

“Making you happy… also makes me happy. It makes me… you know… forget…” He laughs a little and looks up at her, now reaching for her face from her hand. “When I see the beautiful smile from my beautiful wife, I feel like I can fight anything. You give me a reason to always look towards the future.”

 _Oh god._ She hates it when he talks like that. She hates it so much that she loves it. It’s so cringy. She’d never be caught dead saying something like that, even to him. She’s sure she’s all red as he speaks and looks at her in _that_ way, like she’s some kind of goddess and he’s a mere mortal blinded by her beauty. She’s never been treated like that by anyone and no matter how long she’s together with him, she doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to it.

She pushes his hands away lightly and gets up, turning away to head towards Arata’s playroom. “You’re so cheesy it makes me cringe sometimes,”

she grumbles.

“You really don’t change, do you?” he sighs. “I love you, Touka.”

That stops her for a while and she turns to him slightly. “I love you too, idiot.”

Ken beams. “Of course you do.”

“Aren’t you running late for work? You should start getting ready.”

* * *

She spends the rest of the time playing with her daughter. Ichika has a holiday from playgroup that day and Touka had also taken a day off since Ken had called Hinami over. Ken had managed to get some time off as well, but he had to go to work after lunch. He is working on a serious case or something after all.

Touka usually has her phone with her wherever she goes in case anything urgent comes up. But on that day, it was far too relaxing that she hadn’t bothered to keep it with her. When she finally does go to the room to pick it up after putting Ichika into bed for her nap, her eyes widen immediately. One missed call is nothing much. She isn’t too surprised that she missed a call. But what is surprising is the name she sees on her phone.

_Ayato._

She’s never scrambled to redial a number this far before. Her brother had called her. He might have misdialled, but he still called her. _He called her._

She’s pacing to and fro in the bedroom as she listens to the phone ring, her heart racing. It’s getting hard to breathe as well. She doesn’t know what to expect. What should she do if he doesn’t pick up? What should she do if he hangs up instead? She’s have gotten excited for nothing.

The ringing stops. But she doesn’t hear the beep of a cut line, nor does she end up in his voicemail as she usually does. The line is silent but as she strains her ears, she hears deep breathing.

“A-Ayato…?”

There’s silence for a short while again, and then, in a soft and weak voice, she hears him. “Sis…”

“Ayato! What happened? Why did you—”

“Sis, I’m sorry!” he cries out, cutting into her words. His voice sounds choked and strained. _God is he crying?_

“Ayato, what happened? Talk to me.”

“I… I… That thing… I didn’t think…” He doesn’t seem to be able to say anything coherent; he sounds like he’s struggling to even form words.

“Tell me where you are. I’m coming—”

She hears a beep. The line gets cut. Touka’s speechless for a moment. He just hung up on her after all that. She’s redialling in a matter of seconds but try as she might, his phone doesn’t even ring. He probably turned off his phone and once again, she’s left hanging, stranded and useless as things fall apart. She doesn’t know where he is or where he lives. She doesn’t have any way to contact him. She didn’t even ask Hinami for her number just now.

Touka doesn’t like bothering Ken when he’s at work but she doesn’t really see another option. With shaky hands and a heavy heart, while internally debating whether to bother him with some issue over Ayato, she starts typing out a text. The last time she had called Ken out of work because Ayato got into trouble, it had ended up terribly— Ayato’s broken bones and dreams and their family torn apart. She doesn’t think she can tear them any further now, can she? She notices the tears in her eyes. She doesn’t want to cry but she doesn’t know what she can do except cry as she hits the send button.

_I’m sorry to bother you at work. Ayato called and he sounds like he’s crying. I need to find him. Please. I need to know he’s okay._

She’s being washed over and over again with Deja vu. _Things can’t get any worse_. She has to have faith.


	6. Chapter 6

“You really shouldn’t be here.”

Ayato raises an eyebrow. It’s probably the fifth time Miza had told him that, staring up at him with disapproving eyes. Her small hands are crossed in front of her. Honestly, Miza’s so small that if she pisses him off to much, he can easily pick her up and toss her to the other end of the place. Though he knows he’ll have to face the wrath of Naki and his buddies if he ever does lay a hand on her. Not that he would in the first place; he’s content with just picturing it.

“My best friend is having a birthday party. Why should I not be here?” he snorts.

“Because ‘here’ is a fucking strip club and you already have a girlfriend, who I know for sure has no idea you’re spending your time in such a sketchy place,” Miza snaps. “If Naki came here without me knowing, I’d go for his head.”

Ayato remains silent for a moment. It’s annoying. He hates it whenever someone calls Hinami his girlfriend. His heart skips a beat whenever the association is made and his head rises high up into the cloud; he feels like he’s a stupid maiden love-stricken by the charming prince standing before him and oblivious to everything else. Hinami is not his girlfriend. She had said they’d take it slow and bring their relationship to new levels but it’s been months since then and even now, she continues to deny any mutual romantic affections between them. Sure, he gets to kiss her and hold her in bed, but even that becomes mundane after a while. He loves Hinami very much, but sometimes, he hates her as well, especially when he realises he’s getting nothing out of this relationship aside from the usual fucking. That might feel really good and nice, it clearly doesn’t make up for all that she places on him. Her pain, her troubles, her broken heart– all placed onto his shoulder for him to bear, on top of whatever he already has on his plate.

Not to mention, she still talks a lot about Kaneki for a girl who’s resolved to get over him. Ayato can’t even see that happening any more. It seems like Hinami is contented with watching and pinning for him at the sidelines, even if Kaneki is married to Ayato’s own sister and has two kids with her. It annoys him how Hinami knows this, yet she’s never bothered to ask. She got angry when she found out they’re brothers-in-law, but she never went beyond that to ask about what happened. He knows Hinami doesn’t care about him the way he cares about her, yet he’s always assumed she’d care about him like a friend would. Clearly, she doesn’t.

He’s too exhausted and annoyed to even bother about staying loyal to a person who’s treating him like that. In the first place, there isn’t even a need for loyalty on his part, right? There clearly isn’t anything on her part.

_Oh wait. That’s how it always is._

“She’s not my girlfriend,” he scoffs, turning away from Miza. “I wouldn’t be here if she is.”

“Aren’t you sleeping with her?” Miza sighs back. “Whenever I’m with Hinami, she always talks of you so highly. It’s like she really does like you.”

 _Hah._ Ayato wants to snort in laughter. It’s completely ridiculous. “I don’t recall us ever promising that we’ll only stick to each other.”

“I don’t get why Hooguro insisted on coming here for Naki’s birthday… I don’t like Naki around here so in your case, I don’t think Hinami will be very happy with this,” Miza admits.

And he’s very happy with Hinami touching herself to the fantasies of another guy. _Sure._ He grumbles something in response, mostly under his breath and lost to Miza’s ears over the loud booming music. Miza looks at him, her disapproval only becoming more apparent as time passes. It’s hard getting Miza to understand and he can see exactly why. Miza doesn’t know the full picture. She’s just like everyone else in school who think they’re either a couple or they sleeping together because of some form of mutual physical attraction. No one would think that it’s just him who loves and cares about her. No one would think that given the chance, it’s Hinami who’d just discard him and leave him in the dust. He knows it’s a slim possibility, but the thought of that still frightens him. What if one day, she does get Kaneki? What if one day that asshole leaves his sister and Hinami gets a chance? No matter how absurd these possibilities are, he still trembles at them.

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her,” he mumbles, before he walks away. He’s at a strip club so he might as well enjoy himself and find something that would make him forget the churning pit deep in his abdomen. He hears an annoyed protest from Miza but ignores it. He must seem like a jerk in her eyes, but he supposes it’s better than her knowing the truth and thinking Hinami is a bitch or something. He pushes past the crowd and finds the bar counter, leaning against it to clear his head with a loud sigh. It’s Naki’s birthday. He wants to enjoy himself as well.

He feels a pat on his shoulder and he turns around to see a pair of smiling faces, sneakily scrutinising him from top to bottom.

“Hey handsome, you alone today?”

The girl that spoke is a beauty. Nothing compared to Hinami, but he can imagine a good time with her. She doesn’t seem like someone who’s working here from the way she’s dressed so he doesn’t have to worry about any protocols or cash. But other than that, he doesn’t really care too much to bother about anything else about her.

Oh, except for the fact that _there’s two of them._

* * *

“It doesn’t seem like he’s waking up any sooner… Should we just leave?”

Ayato groans a little, shifting his body. He feels his face pressed down into something. It’s warm and he can barely breathe. He opens his eyes and raises his head slightly. He’s been sleeping face down on his pillow apparently; no wonder it was hard to breathe.

“Ah, wait. He’s waking up.”

_Voices. Girls. Two girls._

He gets up, kneeling as he looks around. He’s in his room and on his bed. Everything looks normal and fine. Aside from the two girls sitting on his bed, one on each of his sides, looking at him curiously. He’s about to ask them who the hell they are and why the fuck they’re in his room, when it dawns on him that he’s naked. Ayato takes a moment to calm himself down and as he does, the memories surface.

_So that’s why they’re here._

“You girls are still here,” he murmurs, stretching his back slightly. “I figured you’d leave by the time I got up.”

“We were going to. But you woke up,” one of them replies. He doesn’t really bother to take the time to remember who said it. He remembers they did tell him their names, but even that is lost to him after everything else he remembers about that night. The night itself is surely one to remember though. He’s done it with a number of different people in the same night before, but never together at the same time. At least that’s one combination of a threesome out of his bucket list, not that he has any intentions of actually completing it.

“You surely have a lot of female products around for a guy who lives alone. Do you have a girlfriend or…?” The condescendingly suggestive tone in the girl’s voice annoys him but he refuses to let it bother him too much. He’s never going to see them again anyway.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” he replies. Hinami will be proud of that line, that’s one thing he’s sure of. He turns around so that he’s now facing front, legs stretched out straight. Both the girls are dressed and the seemed ready to leave. He guess he can at least be nice to them, as thanks for the fun they’ve given him the previous night. “Do you girls want anything before you go? Coffee or something?”

“Anything? Well… I guess…” One the girls narrow her eyes, looking at him cheekily before she climbs over, straddling his legs and reaching for his dick, which had already been standing hard and tall. It is the morning after all. Ayato doesn’t reply verbally. He just flashes her a smile as she grins back, her hand moving upwards and downwards slowly before she lowers her head and takes him in her mouth. She’s certainly skilful and it seems like she knows how to use her teeth and tongue better than Hinami does. But even then, he doesn’t get half the satisfaction he gets from when Hinami does it. It feels different– emptier– when someone other than her does it. The other girl winds her arms around his neck, egging him to turn his head to face her. She leans to kiss him, jumping straight into pushing her tongue into his mouth. There’s barely any intimacy and connection, but he didn’t expect any from them anyway.

He’s grabbing onto the second girl in a matter of seconds, hands exploring her body as he pushes his tongue back against her. He’s barely aware of the doorbell ringing, the loud chime ringing repeatedly as he kisses her. The second girl pulls away at this though, eyeing him playfully.

“Aren’t you gonna get that?”

He doesn’t reply, only choosing to pull her back to him, pressing his lips against hers and taking this chance to enter her mouth instead. His hands move to her chest, palming her clothed breasts. He can’t think of any reason to answer the door now. There’s no reason for anyone important to drop by now. The only person who ever comes by is Hinami anyway and she rarely does so in the morning. He continues focusing on the two girls, undoing the blouse of the one who’s kissing him and pushing away her bra before one of his hand travels to the head of the other one, pushing her head down lower. He feels himself penetrating her throat, pulsing as he feels her moans reverberate against him. He’s not even close to his climax yet, but his attention is still fixed on those two girls. He doesn’t hear the clicking of his door as it is unlocked nor does he hear the soft call of his name that follows the opening of the door. He’s completely unaware of the visitor until he hears a shocked gasp followed by a horrified screaming of his name. He pulls away from the girl and turns to the entrance of his room and he feels his eyes widen.

“Hina…mi?”

Hinami stands, body stiff and tensed with parted lips and watery eyes, watching the sight before her in complete disbelief. Ayato might have been calm about this whole thing when he was talking to Miza the previous day, but now that Hinami’s actually in front of him, he feels his throat go dry as panic wells up in him. He had said he hasn’t done anything wrong. He still doesn’t think he did anything wrong. Like he told Miza, there hadn’t be an official agreement between him and Hinami that they’re doing it _only_ with each other, nor are they in any kind of relationship for this to be an unsaid agreement. For one, he’s sure Hinami would jump at the chance to do it with Kaneki if she’s given the chance. That’ll hurt him, but that’s because he loves her and he still would even if she does that. But if that’s the case, why does Hinami look like she’s on the verge of bursting into tears?

“What is going on here?” Hinami cries out, voice wavering as she blinks rapidly, probably trying to hold in her tears.

“Well, he told us he didn’t have a girlfriend,” one of the girls replied. He doesn’t know who is speaking. It’s like the two of them mended into one in his consciousness. All he’s really focused on is Hinami right now and the expression on her face that seems to be a cross between disappointment and anger.

“Hinami I…” He tries to form words, but he realises they’re failing him. It dawns on him that he’s naked right now and he moves to pull the blanket over himself.

“Oh, I guess we got in between something,” one of the girl sighs as the two of them crawl off the bed, adjusting their clothes and getting up.

“Damn, I was looking forward to doing more.”

“That dick felt so good last night I couldn’t stop riding it.”

Ayato chokes when he hears her, seeing Hinami start to fume openly, not bothering to even conceal it anymore. She blinks and tears fall out and Ayato’s panic goes into overdrive.

“H-hey… I’m serious… We didn’t know he had a girl—”

“Get out,” Hinami cuts in. Her eyes harden and she stares murderously from one girl to the other. The two girls exchange annoyed looks, before they push past her and leaves the room. There’s a brief moment of silence until Ayato hears the slam of his front door. The silence that follows it is heavier, deafening even. Hinami’s face crumples— no more anger, just disappointment and a whole lot more tears. She turns her back to him and walk out as well.

_Shit, is she leaving?_

“Hinami!” he cries out at the top of his lungs, scrambling out of the bed to gather some clothes. He pulls on the boxers and jeans from yesterday and rushes out of his room, hearing his front door open again. Hinami seems to be leaving, but he manages to run to her. It’s probably been over two years since he actually sprinted, or did something close to a sprint at least. The usual pain in his leg surfaces but he pays no heed to it and grabs onto her wrist before she walks out, pulling her back in. Hinami turns to face him with a teary frown, the door slamming shut behind her.

“What do you want?” she snaps, pulling her hand away from him harshly.

“I… uh…”

“Can you even explain yourself?” she challenges. “Why are those two b— girls— here? Where did you even pick them up from?”

“We went somewhere for Naki’s birthday yesterday… I just happened to meet them,” he replies. “I don’t see what’s the problem.”

“That is precisely the problem!”

“How?” _You know how._ The voice sneers in his head but Ayato ignores it.

“What about me?”

“What _about_ you?”

Hinami stares at him with an incredulous expression, as if she can’t believe what’s going on before her. “Ayato… but we’re… The two of us… Doesn’t that mean anything?”

He knows what she’s getting at, but the longer she drags out the discussion, the more he starts getting tired again. This is precisely what Miza was warning him about. Hinami would get upset if she found out and that’s what annoys him the most– Miza, who has no idea about what is going on between the two of them, predicted things exactly as it happened.

“I don’t get it. What’s the problem here?” he snaps.

“You were sleeping with someone else! You were sleeping with two other girls, Ayato,” she screeches. She’s loud and that can only mean that she’s really _really_ angry. He’s tempted to just clamp up and apologize immediately but he holds back, fixing her furious teary eyes with a challenging snarl.

“So?”

“You’re not being loyal!”

“Why the fuck do I have to be loyal? You’re not my girlfriend!”

“Oh? Why would I want to be your girlfriend when you’d do something like that to me!” she screams. Ayato shuts up for a moment, taken aback by the sudden hitch in her volume. Hinami stares up at him for a couple of heartbeats, before her head drops. She moves her hands to wipe the tears away from her face.

“I wouldn’t do this if you’re my girlfriend…” he murmurs.

“Are you trying to threaten me into dating you now?”

“No. I’m just saying that you’re misunderstanding everything. I’m not cheating on you or anything. We need to have something going on for me to cheat on you.”

Hinami looks up, anger drained out of her face. She looks tired now, eyelids drooping. “I thought you love me.”

“I do.”

“How can you do it with someone else then?” she grumbles.

“Aren’t you being a little hypocritical now?” he sighs. Hinami stiffens, easily getting what he was talking about. She turns around and walks into the kitchen, the heavy silence between them continuing to hang in the air. He has a point. He probably won that argument. But he doesn’t really feel accomplished at all. In fact, the deep pit in his stomach is still there. He still feels terrible.

Ayato walks in behind her, lingering a short distance off as he watches her rummage through her bag. After a brief moment of hesitation, he closes the gap, pressing himself against her back as his arms wind around her smaller frame. Hinami doesn’t respond, but he feels her leaning into him.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs, kissing the top of her head before resting his chin on it. “I didn’t think it’ll make you this mad… Didn’t think you’ll find out…”

“That just makes everything worse, you know,” she replies curtly.

“I’m just being honest… Look, if you really don’t want me to, I won’t sleep with anyone else anymore.”

Hinami pulls something out– a container. She turns around to look up at him, arms finding their position on his shoulders. Hinami bites her lips a little, hesitation evident in her eyes. “Sure?”

He doesn’t see why he has to stay away from anyone else, but he doesn’t question it. Even if this is annoying, dealing with an angry Hinami clearly was worse. “If you don’t want me to… then I promise I won’t.”

Her hands drop and she nods. “Then I’ll take your word for it…”

They fall silent again, the heavy atmosphere still hanging and not fading even by a little. Hinami is still facing him, yet her eyes are now low and downcast. She can’t possibly still be upset over this right? They’d settle things already.

“Did anything happen? It’s unusual for you to come here in the morning,” he says, glancing over at the clock. “You have class in a short while, don’t you?”

“Yeah, a lecture… before the one we take together.”

“You should really be leaving for it soon. I’ll see you in class later.” Ayato steps away, withdrawing his hands from her and letting them fall to his sides. Hinami nods, but hesitates, furrowing her brows slightly. She turns to pick up the container, before she holds it tightly in her hands.

“Uhm… Actually I came here to bring this to you,” she says. She opens the lid and he sees something inside, a pale yellow color wrapping something up.

_No way… Is that–_

“I was over at a friend’s place before this and we made some food,” she continues. She takes a spoon from behind her and pokes into the food, scooping out a decent amount. _Fuck, it really is omurice._ Hinami smiles at him and holds the spoon out to him. “We had some extra omurice and I know it’s your favorite so I packed some for you.”

His excitement dies the moment she says those words. She shouldn’t know it’s his favorite. He’s stopped admitting that a long time ago. “How do you know they’re my favorite?”

“You told me awhile back.”

“I’m pretty sure I didn’t.”

“You said it when you were drunk once.”

He doesn’t recall that at all and he usually is the type to remember the things he said and did. On the contrary, he does remember telling her than his favorite food is instant ramen so she would stop pestering him about always eating food from the convenience store. It hadn’t worked, but he’s done it a couple of times enough to know that he really did said this to her. A “Your favorite food isn’t ramen, it’s omurice!” would surely have been a response if he had really told her about it.

There really is only three people he can think of right now in this world who knows this fact about him. Unless she had met any of them recently and talked to them about it, that too about a topic that would bring _his_ favorite food up, there should be no reason for her to know.

Still, he stays silent and opens his mouth, letting her feed him a spoonful. The moment the food hits his tongue, he gags, pushing past her to lean over the sink and spit it out. It’s not that the food was disgusting or badly made. On the contrary, it was done perfectly– too perfectly. The taste that really shouldn’t exist anymore had been completely emulated. It is delicious, so delicious to the point that it digs up his nostalgia and disgust. It’s instinct to throw it all up. He can’t stomach it at all, not with the way his head spins at the taste. He opens the tap and rinses his mouth, watching still and tensed as the food he had thrown up gets washed away. It’s only when it’s completely gone that he lets himself relaxed. It’s also only now that he notices Hinami rubbing his back and leaning forward worriedly as well.

“Are you okay? Did you choke?” she asks.

He disregards her questions. Instead, he stands up and turns to her. “Where were you this morning?”

Hinami frowns. “I was over at a friends’ place.”

“Who?” he asks.

She blinks for a moment before she answers. “Miza.”

“Miza went over to Naki’s last night.”

“Well she was back when I got there.”

It’s not something he’s never known or noticed before, but he’s still surprised by just how bad a liar she is. She’s practically transparent. He already knows where she’s been. But he stays silent and gives her the benefit of doubt. He won’t jump to conclusions until she says it outright. Though the fact she’s lying to him isn’t really helping.

“Hinami… tell me the truth…”

“I went to Miza’s place!” she insists. “I’m serious. We made some omurice and–”

“This exact omurice is something I’ve eaten before Hinami,” he sighs and her shoulders slump in response. “It’s a Kirishima family recipe. I know that for sure. I grew up eating it every Saturdays. I was a wimpy kid and I always cried very hard whenever I lost the weekly soccer tournament… Dad would cook it to cheer me up.”

“That’s weird. You were like the best soccer player ever in high school until you gave it up. I always thought it was a pity… You almost got the sports scholarship you wanted as well,” Hinami says, clearly changing the topic. There is so many things about the statement she had just made that he can easily point out and correct. It is a pity, that’s for sure, but he didn’t give soccer up. He never would have. He didn’t almost get the scholarship. He actually got it. It was the accident that ruined everything, took soccer away from him and pushed him into the current shitty situation he’s in. Of course, Hinami doesn’t know a single thing about it. He’s never told her; she had never made him feel comfortable enough to tell her about them anyway. He could easily go with the flow and continue the conversation along the lines of this topic. He knows it’s what she wants him to do– to talk about fucking soccer instead.

But Ayato doesn’t let himself fall for that trap. Instead, he makes sure he sticks to the topic. “Hinami, please tell me how you and Miza somehow got your hands on my father’s personal omurice recipe.”

“We just found it online,” she argues weakly.

“I’ve done that before. I never found it…”

“Maybe it’s new…”

“Then I’m going to search for it myself right now,” he says, heading to leave the kitchen, only for Hinami to grab him by his arm and still him.

“I’m sorry,” she says quickly. “I didn’t want to upset you.”

“Who did you see? My uncle or…?”

“Kaneki called me the other day. He said Touka really wants to see the two of us,” she murmurs. “I know you wouldn’t want to go… so I went instead.”

“You went back to my house?”

“I assumed it was Kaneki’s…”

If they hadn’t shifted– which he doubts they did since Touka would have left him a message about it– it would have been his family’s place. Kaneki had moved in when he got married to Touka as well. Ayato remains silent for a while, thinking over Hinami’s words. She had gone there, without telling him, probably because she knows exactly what his answer would be. Apparently, he has to listen to her and not sleep with other girls, but she’s never going to listen to him and stay away from those people. _What a fruitful relationship…_

“Did it turn you on?” he mutters, annoyed, disgusted and just plain upset with the whole situation. The one thing he wanted from her and she simply went against it.

“Did what turn me on?” she asks in disbelief.

“Going over to _his_ place, seeing _him_ , spending time with _him_ ,” Ayato spits out. He feels the green-eyed monster leading him along, guiding him with the words he should say at this point in time. “What? Did you get wet spending time with a man who has a wife and two kids?”

Hinami looks completely horrified at the suggestion and she takes up step up to him, meeting his gaze with a challenging one. It’s almost like their positions had been swapped now.

“I didn’t go there for him, I went there for your sister,” she hisses.

“You don’t care about my sister. You have no reason to,” Ayato says flatly. “You can lie to yourself as much as you want but you’re fucking transparent to me, Hinami. You went there because you precious Big Brother called you and you were so in love you got excited even though you know that he’s married with two _fucking_ kids.”

“Stop saying that!” she cries out.

“Stop saying what? Is reminding you about what Kaneki really is hurting your poor fragile heart?” he snaps. “You know, I just realised something. That’s why you’re here, right? Because you got so upset when you saw Kaneki, his wife and his two kids that you came here so that I’d make you feel better, isn’t that right?”

“I said… stop saying that…”

“I’m going to say it as much times as it takes till I get it into that dumb fucking head of yours that you have no chance and you will never, _ever_ , have a chance with him. He is married and he has two–”

“There is no two kids, you idiot!” she shrieks. “The baby died!”

“Huh? What are you–”

_Died._

She said _the baby died._

He falls silent as he mind pieces the words together and they start to sink in. _The baby died. The baby in his sister’s womb died. The baby that was in his sister’s womb when he pushed her died. The baby. That baby…_

“No way,” he chokes. He pushes past Hinami, forcefully pulling his arm away from her hold and ignoring her words. He heads over to his room and looks around, locating his phone easily and taking it. He scrolls through his messages, searching for a particular name.

_Touka: Ayato, I gave birth a few days ago. I think Kaneki tried to call you and message you. I’m sorry if he bothered you when you’re busy. We’re okay. I love you._

Touka ends all her messages to him with that one line, but this particular time doesn’t feel like any other. Hinami’s voice plays in his head again. _The baby died._ Touka messaged him after that. She said they’re okay. She wasn’t talking about the baby and her as he had dumbly assumed she was. She was probably talking about her and Kaneki. They’re okay. Even if they lost their child, they’re okay.

He feels sick.

Ayato walks out of the room, clutching his phone tightly. Hinami is right by the door, watching him worriedly. She catches his arm the moment he steps out and pulls him closer to her, forcing him to turn towards her direction. Even if he’s looking at her, he isn’t. He isn’t looking at anything. His mind is blank. His vision is blur.

_The baby died._

“Ayato!” she cries out, slapping her hands onto his face to cup his cheeks. His vision clears a little at that action. She’s looking up at him, worried and afraid. “Listen… it’s not your fault!”

 _His fault?_ His mind reels from this as the rest of Hinami’s words are lost to him. The baby was in his sister’s stomach when he pushed her. He’d left things be because Kaneki had said things were fine. But perhaps they lied to him. Perhaps things were not fine. After all, Touka had also said that they’re okay without telling him the baby died. Maybe the baby wasn’t okay back then. Maybe there were complications because of what he did. Maybe Touka didn’t want to burden him and told Kaneki to lie to him. Maybe if he had listened and gone to visit, he’d have gotten a better idea of things. Maybe if he never had acted like an idiot, all of it wouldn’t even have happened. Maybe, if he had never left in the first place, he could be there for his sister through all the hard times.

 _Maybe… Maybe… Really, what’s the use in living in maybes?_ The fantasies swarm his mind, accompanied by his realities which continues to surface as well. His sister still cared enough to inform him after he had killed her child. She cared enough to continue wanting to see him. His sister still cares for the murderous piece of shit he is.

_Especially since this isn’t the first time he’s killed a member of the family._

He feels sicker than before. He didn’t think he could, but that one thought makes him feel like tearing himself apart, just as it tears him apart within. His mouth itches and still oblivious to Hinami’s initial explanations, he pulls away from her to stumble into his room.

“I need a stick…” he murmurs.

“No you don’t! Ayato, listen to me. Aya–” He cuts her off by slamming the door of his bedroom in her face and bolting it immediately. He hears her scream his name, rattling the doorknob and banging on it as she tries to get him out. He hears her, but he chooses not to listen, shuffling over to his drawer and pulling out the box of cigarettes and his lighter instead. He gives in to his wobbling knees, letting himself fall into a sitting position, back leaning against the bed. He realises his hands are shaking as he places one into his mouth and lights it up. His entire body is shaking actually. As he breathes in the fumes, he forces himself to relax, pulling the blanket on his bed with one hand to wrap it around his bare torso. Hinami has stopped screaming, but the doorknob continues to rattle.

“Ayato… I really need to go now… Please… answer me…”

He stays silent, pulling the blanket over his head, huddling into it. He’s surrounded by warmth and smoke. It smells bad, but it feels a little better.

“I’m going to leave so… can you promise me you won’t do anything stupid? Please? Don’t take anything. You don’t need cigarettes and alcohol. Just stay in bed or something. There’s class later so don’t forget about it… ” she sighs with one last, hard knock. He doesn’t give her an answer but he continues to listen and he hears her withdraw from her earlier spot and walks away. Her receding footsteps fade off slowly, only to vanish into complete silence as the door slams. He’s not surprised by her decision at all; it’s unlike Hinami to miss class.

But selfish as it may be, he wishes she had stayed.

* * *

At some point in time, he falls asleep. He doesn’t know when that happened, but he opens his eyes to realise he’s partly leaning against the small side table. He looks around. He’s still in his room, still dressed in yesterday’s jeans, still wrapped in the blanket. The cigarette had fallen from his mouth though and it lays on the ground, now unlit. Ayato sits up and reaches for his phone that he had tossed onto the bed earlier on. He checks the time and groans. He’s going to be late for class.

He gets up begrudgingly and drags his feet to the closet. His body feels too heavy to really move. He wants to just throw himself on the bed and sleep till tomorrow, or the day after, or perhaps the month after, or maybe even far beyond that. Never waking up might sound like the best option now. He can’t find any motivation to change what’s already on him. It’s not like they smell bad or anything and if anyone has an issue with it later in class, the might as well just move away or something. He can’t give two fucks about anything right now. He takes the first top he lays his hand on and pulls it on himself. His hair is probably in a mess. He hadn’t combed it when he woke up and he knows it probably got messed up again, but he honestly can’t really care.

He takes his bag from his study table, throws his laptop in and slings it over his shoulder before leaving the room. The first thing that hits him is just how dark the place had gotten over this short period of time. He looks out to get his answer immediately. The sky is overcast now. It’s probably going to rain. What an aptly sombre atmosphere for his sombre mood.

He sighs, trying his best not to think too much about things. He wants to go class. He hasn’t been working his ass off to pay for his expenses for nothing, nor did he do all those last minute cramming in high school just to make it into the university of _that man’s_ dreams just to flunk it. He’s reaching for the door when he happens to glance into the kitchen, seeing the container Hinami brought along still lying there. Curiously, he walks over to it. The spoon she had used to feed him is still there and he opens it to see the mostly untouched omurice.

He hasn’t actually eaten anything all day. At the sight of the food, his stomach takes the opportunity to remind him of it. Forcing down the lump that seems to have permanently lodged itself in his throat, he takes a spoonful and brings it to his mouth. The taste is still the same, even from fifteen years ago.

_It’s okay if you lose, Ayato. Father will make you something when we get home, okay?_

He feels tears in his eyes. He manages to swallow it despite the bitter taste that linger in his mouth. He takes another spoonful.

_Say ‘Ah!’_

He takes another. A tear falls out.

_There you go, good boy._

Another spoonful and another tear.

_You worked hard today._

Another spoon, but the tears aren’t drops anymore; they’re streams falling out of his eyes.

_Father is so proud of you._

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He curses as he stuffs himself with more food, till he empties the entire container. The taste continues to linger in his mouth and it annoys him to no ends. As long as the taste stays, so does the memories.

_Ayato, you need to work harder._

_Ayato, this isn’t good enough._

_You can’t play around too much, Ayato. How are you going to make it into a good high school?_

_Look where you ended up. If you don’t wake up, you won’t be able to make it into a good university._

_Kamii. I want you to enter Kamii._

_Huh? A sports scholarship? That’s bullshit, Ayato. You’re not doing that._

“Fuck!” he cries out, kicking the cabinet. _Ah, he forgot to wear his shoes._ His toes throb from the impact. A fleeting thought passes through his mind. He wonders if they’re broken, but he discards the worry immediately. Broken bones hurt even more.

Though not as much as what he felt while he was lying still, restricted and barely conscious on a hospital bed as Touka told him the godforsaken words. “He had a heart attack after he heard about the accident, Ayato. Father died.”

_Father died._

_The baby died._

They both died– because of him. They both died– because they were killed. They both died– because he killed them.

He feels sick. He stumbles over to the fridge and opens it. The only thing that’s ever in there is beer. It’s the only thing he really needs chilled anyway. Leaving the door open, he takes a can and pops it open, before chugging down the contents desperately, eager to wash away the taste of the omurice from his mouth. He opens cans after cans, forcing down the stale, bitter liquid as he begs for it to disappear. But it doesn’t, it only gets worse and as it does, the more he drinks.

His head starts feeling cloudy and light. All thoughts of class had vanished completely as he sits surrounded by empty cans, facing the opened refrigerator, squinting at the light directed at his eyes. He sniffs, bringing his hand up to rub his nose. It’s here he realises he’s still crying and much more than before as well. His nose is running because of that, and not the cold beer.

What time is it now anyway? It’s so dark that it feels like it’s night already. Maybe class is over now. Hinami should be coming back. She said she will come back, right? So why isn’t she here when it’s dark?

He fishes his phone out of his pocket, ignoring the pack of cigarettes and lighter that falls out along with it. He glances at the screen, staring at it stupidly for a moment. Why did he pick it up again? He wanted to do something. He racks his mind, but it’s too hazy for him to really walk himself back on his train of thoughts. Instead, he chooses to unlock the phone. He had left it at Touka’s messages. Her name is the first thing he really sees.

 _Touka… Touka…_ He snickers a little as he says her name out in his head. She has a pretty name– a pretty name for a beautiful person. He stares at it for a while and then, without really thinking, he presses on the phone icon beside it.

 _He’s calling her…_ He doesn’t know why he did it and he definitely have no idea what to say if she answers. He knows she will answer. She usually does. She always has her phone with her everywhere she goes. But as he waits, listening to the ring tone, he feels his heart sink– he didn’t even know it can go any lower.

“Sis…” he murmurs, listening to the continued ringing. “Sis… Sis…” He’s crying again, even more than before. It feels like he’s being ignored. He knows she’s looking at it. She has to be. She always has her phone with her.

“Sis, please answer… Sis…”

He wonders if this is how she must have felt whenever he ignored her calls. The line goes dead, accompanied by another burst of tears. He’s never cried so much and hard before, not ever since his mother died. But right now, in the safety and comfort of the dark solitude, he doesn’t have to keep any pretence up. Maybe it’s good that Hinami’s not around. She doesn’t have to see this. She shouldn’t. She’d be disappointed in him and there goes his chances with her.

He snorts at the thought, dropping his phone onto his lap as he reaches for another can. He empties it before he takes another one. He wonders if he’s drinking too much. It’s already more than usual. He might actually die. _Hah._

He’s almost dozing off again when he feels the sudden vibration. It takes a while for him to realise that it’s his phone ringing. It takes another short moment for him to locate it on his lap. It takes a much _much_ longer time for his eyesight to clear and for him to make out the words on his screen.

_Touka…_

His sister is calling him.

He rushes to answer it, worried that he might already have spent too much time before. He doesn’t want the call to get cut. He presses it to his ear, listening hard. All he hears is silences. He should say something. He knows that he should. But when he opens his mouth, the words fail him again.

“A-Ayato…?”

_Touka!_

She actually called him back. It is her. He knows that voice better than anything. He hasn’t realised how much he’s wanted to hear it again, until he actually does hear it now and it brings more tears to his eyes. Touka’s going to think he’s a wimp if she realises he’s crying. She’s going to tease him and start calling him a crybaby and–

_The baby died._

Hinami words resurface in his mind and he realises just what kind of a situation he’s in right now. The call isn’t between a sister and her brother. It’s between a mother and the killer of her child.

“Sis…”

“Ayato! What happened? Why did you–”

“Sis, I’m sorry!” he cries out, interrupting her. He chokes as he cries out, more tears falling out as sobs threaten to break out between his lips.

“Ayato, what happened? Talk to me.” She sounds panic and frightened and it dawns on Ayato that he’s probably making things worse and making her worry about him. She shouldn’t be worrying about him at all. She should hate him and detest him with all her heart right now. She should be cursing him to die. She should be slamming the phone down.

 _But will she really do that?_ His sweet, understanding and beautiful sister would never do such a thing, would she? Not even to the person who killed her child, because that person is her very own brother.

He wants to ease things and clear things up. He wants to make it seem like a whole big misunderstanding. At least it’ll allay her fears. “I… I…” He tries to speak but he doesn’t know what to say. “That thing…” He feels like an idiot. He knows he’s not making things any better; he’s making them worse. “I didn’t think…” Maybe shutting up entirely is a better option after all.

“Tell me where you are. I’m coming–”

He hangs up the moment he hears those words and merely seconds after he’s right on the verge of throwing himself off a cliff. This is ridiculous. He just wanted to make things better, but he’s just made everything worse. He can’t bring himself to go and see his sister. Her coming over is the last thing he wants. But he knows that Touka and Hinami are in contact. It won’t be that hard for her to find his address, especially if Touka brings Kaneki into the whole thing. Hinami won’t deny him of what he wants; that’s for sure.

Ayato feels sick and exhausted. He doesn’t think there’s any energy left in him to be upset anymore. He’s probably dried himself out from all that crying as well. He wipes his face with his sleeve again and reaches for the packet of cigarettes on the floor. He brings it up to his lips as he leans his head back against the cabinets behind him, letting his eyes close slowly.

_God, he fucked up._

* * *

Her knocks initially go unanswered. There’s no response to it and when she tries to open the door, it seemed like it is locked. Hinami didn’t see Ayato in lecture at all. She had taken down some notes for him, but she knows that lecture notes are the last thing Ayato needs right now. Her phone had been buzzing non-stop during class as well. When she finally got a chance to look at it, she saw thirty-five missed calls from Kaneki and a whole lot more messages, mostly saying, “Call me,” and “Urgent.” His final message had however been something very different, saying something about how he needs to enter a meeting so he can’t talk to her but he wants her to check on Ayato when she can. Touka is dying from worry apparently. He had also asked her for Ayato’s address, but Hinami knows better than to simply give it up. He got angry when she visited Touka and Kaneki. She didn’t want to anger him any further, especially not now.

It’s all her fault after all. Kaneki had said that she shouldn’t tell Ayato anything about the baby’s death. It had slipped out in the heat of the moment and Hinami had instantly regretted it. But she can’t take back what she said and even after she went on to explain what exactly had happened, he merely looked at her with glazed over eyes. Nothing she said had gotten to him. He had ignore every single word.

Hinami’s fishing into her bag for his keys when she hears a voice calling out from the other side, almost too deformed to recognize. The doorknob rattles for a moment, before there’s the sound of the locks clicking. The door swings open and immediately, Hinami feels an urge to slap the person standing in front of her.

“I thought I told you to stay in bed and lay off everything?” she murmurs.

Slouching forward, his hair hangs to curtain his face more so than usual and she isn’t really given a good look at his face. But what she does see is a can in one of his hands and a cigarette between the fingers of his other one. She watches him in silence, not really sure how she should be feeling right now. She’s upset he had not listened to her, but she also knows that it’s the last thing she should be worried about right now.

Hinami glances around, before she’s pushing her way into the apartment and closing the door behind her. The place reeks of booze and smoke and Hinami wrinkles her nose. Ayato looks up at her slightly through his bangs, eyes half-lidded and hazy. His mouth stretches into a small smirk.

“Oh… Hina… What brings you here?” He brings the cigarette to his mouth, placing it between his lips as he takes in a deep breath. He breathes out with a laugh, mumbling something under his breath that is too incoherent for her ears. She’s at least thankful that even when drunk, he’s considerate enough not to blow smoke into her face.

“I told you I’m coming back after class,” she says. Ayato furrows his brows at this, before he takes a swig from the can, completely draining it and tossing it aside. The can hits the wall, falls to the ground, rolling slightly before it stops. Hinami looks into the kitchen and she sees similar cans scattered around, much more than what she’s usually used to seeing. His phone seemed to be lying on the floor as well, right by his school bag. So he did consider going to class after all. She turns back to him to see him bringing the cigarette to his mouth again and she grabs it, dropping it on the ground and stomping on it. Ayato tuts, but he doesn’t make any further comment. He turns away from her and staggers into the kitchen.

“What are you doing?” she sighs. He doesn’t reply as he bends forward in front of the refrigerator to pull out another can. He’s in the midst of opening it when she rushes to him and snatches it out of his hands as well. “Enough!”

“What is your fuckin’ problem?” he grumbles, reaching out to try and take it back from her.

“Enough!” she repeats. Ayato glares at her, though it’s far from intimidating given his flushed cheeks and drooping eyes. Hinami tosses the can into the sink, the liquid within spilling out and gushing down the drain. She sees the container she had brought from Touka’s and Kaneki’s place lying in the sink as well, emptied of it’s contents– did he eat them all or did he throw them away? He had thrown up his first bite, after all.

Ayato gives an exasperated cry, reaching out for can and catching her attention back. He almost catches it when Hinami grabs his hand instead. “That’s enough.”

She doesn’t give him any chance to speak, instead pulling him along with her. Ayato stumbles as he follows her, but they manage to make their way to the bedroom with him leaning against her to stop himself from falling over. She pulls him into his bedroom, fully intending to force him to just sleep. But when she’s pushing him down, his arms encircle her waist and he pulls her down along with him. She’d have fallen right on top of him if she hadn’t managed to steady herself with her arms, pressing them down on the mattress. Ayato looks up at her with a smile, hair fanning out beneath his head, eyes clouded and dreamy. He looks as pretty as he normally does, but there’s something about the difference in the air around him today; she senses more vulnerability, more desperation.

“Let’s have sex…” he says. His arms move away from her waist, winding around her neck instead. He pulls her down, so that her ear was now close enough to his mouth for him to whisper to her. His breath brushes past her earlobes. His voice sends reverberations through her. The sensation is overwhelming, enough for her to tremble and her mind to muddle. It takes awhile for his subsequent words to sink in.

“I’ll let you fuck me.”

It takes much longer for the meaning behind those words to really hit her— him, giving up control. It seems absurd and it almost seems like one of his many games. She raises her head to meet his eyes, but despite the cheekiness of his tone, she doesn’t see his usually mischief and smugness. His eyes are clouded and withdrawn, devoid of life.

“What?”

“I said _I’ll let you fuck me_ ,” he says, childishly emphasizing on his words while clearly sure about his offer. “I’ll let you do whatever you want to me… I’ll listen to everything you say and do whatever you want me to do.”

Her mind takes an immediate leap into the gutter. She’s read situations like these before. It’s not out of the norm for her to come across such scenes in certain novels she’s read and she’s also had some eroticas as assigned texts for school. She thinks of times she’s tried to take control from him, but he’s always turned it around instead.

She watches him, trying to figure him out as she waits for any sort of change in his disposition. When she finally gets one, it’s not what she had expected. His hands loosen around her, trailing lightly along her body before it falls to his sides on the bed. His expression fades into a hardened grimace.

“No good huh…” he murmurs under his breath. “Even you wouldn’t do it with me anymore…”

She’s still on edge, still trying to figure this out. “What do you mean?”

He turns away from her, eyelids falling to almost close his eyes. “I’m a killer.”

_That again?_

“You’re not. It wasn’t your fault,” Hinami hisses. She pushes him by the cheek with one hand, forcing him to look at her. “It’s not your fault at all.”

She doesn’t expect him to be convinced by it at all. In fact, she’s sure that no one but Touka would be able to convince him. But there’s no chance of her making him understand, not if he’s never going to meet her.

If she can’t do that, she’s sure she can at least make him forget; even if she doesn’t know what to do exactly, she’ll give him what he wants. He’s looking up at her, eyes clouded and unfocused. He’s still drunk— maybe it’s not a good idea to listen to him. He might regret it next morning, or he might get annoyed at her for actually pulling through with it. But Ayato continues to silently plea through his eyes. Hinami watches him, eyes trailing away from his blue ones, down his flushed cheeks and to his lips. He licks his bottom lip and it glistens as he lightly nibbles on it, eyelids falling till he’s staring at her through half-lidded eyes.

 _Fuck me, Hinami._ She can almost hear his thoughts just from the way he’s looking at her. She can’t say no at all. She wonders if Ayato found himself in this predicament as well when she had gotten drunk, all those months ago, on the night they first did it and she gave herself up to him. It had been a drunkard idea on her part and he’d given in— or so she’d heard from him.

If that’s what he wants, then she might as well listen to him and make him feel better. She knows he wants her to be in control but she doesn’t know what to do. Ideas fly through her mind, though none really settle. There’s so many things she doesn’t mind seeing him do, so many positions she thinks he’ll look good in. But first, she’ll ask him to do his favorite thing in the world— what he’s always getting her to do.

“Beg.”

Ayato’s eyes widen. “B-beg?”

“If you want me to… _fuck_ … you…” She pauses, hesitating a little from the amusement she sees in his eyes. She needs to be more assertive; she can’t doubt herself from a simple word like that. She maintains a stoic expression as much as she can and speaks again. “Ayato, if you want me to fuck you, you have to beg.”

Ayato glances away. His cheeks seem redder now, or maybe she’s just letting things get into her head too much. She doesn’t move away from him, but chooses to run a finger down the side of his body, barely touching even his shirt and much less, his body.

“P-please,” he begrudgingly whispers.

“Please do what? What do you want?” It feels kinda nice, especially when she’s reusing his vocabulary on him. Her mind starts slipping falling deeper into the depths of the gutter. It really doesn’t help her situation that he’s looking far too adorable in his drunken, vulnerable state.

“Fuck… me…”

He’s still looking away from her and normally, Hinami would have asked him to look at her. This time, she grabs him by his chin and turns his head, forcing their eyes to me.

“Tell me what you want me to do to you.”

He’ll probably have a better idea of these things that she does, or at least he’ll know what _he_ likes. She gets to hear him beg and she gets some ideas as well.

“I… want you to…” He trails off, cheeks flushing even more as his eyes fall lower, downcast and bothered. “I want you to… mess me up.”

“What?”

“I want you to mess me up until i can’t think straight anymore…”

It’s on the tip of her tongue to remind him that he _isn’t_ thinking straight in the first place. He’s drunk. What he needs to do right now is sleep everything over and clear his mind. But he’s reaching for her before she can even say any of it, pulling her down and kissing her. He’s moaning her name against her lips as he parts his own, hands pressing down on her head to urge her to deepen the kiss.

 _Please… please…_ She hears his silent pleas loud and clear. She cups his face, tilting their heads to angle themselves better. Ayato trembles under her as her tongue slides incredulously slow along his wet, swollen lips She presses it against his teeth, running it along the hard edges, before finally coiling with his tongue. She tastes the cigarettes and smoke on him but she finds herself not minding it too much, especially as she drowns herself in the muffled songs of his moans. She feels his hips humping and grinding against hers as she continues to kiss him despite her burning lungs. Ayato must be far too lost in pleasure if he’s still not breaking apart. He always had the weaker stamina between the two of them, though he never admits it. 

He’s panting when she pulls away from him a little, lips still merely breaths apart. Ayato opens his eyes slightly and they stare at each other for a while.

_Is she really going to do this?_

“Ayato… are you sure about this?”

“Please…” he murmurs. “I want this, Hina… You can do whatever you want to me…”

“Whatever?”

“I’ll be your… pet… or slave.” His words are muffled as he speaks in a low tone, but Hinami’s close enough to hear it. “Whatever you want me to be…”

“Why? I already said it’s not your fault—”

“Please Hinami.”

“If that’s what you want…”

She hopes it’s enough to make him feel better at least. She wants him to calm down. She wants to talk to him about it. It’s not like he didn’t make a mistake, but he’s beating himself too much over it. Touka has said so after all, hasn’t she?

 _No more hesitation, now._ She reaches for his face, brushing his hair away from it slowly, stroking his head in the process. She leans forward and presses a kiss onto his cheek before she moves down to his neck. As she sucks and bites down on him, she feels his fingers dig into her waist, where they had settled some time back. Her hands move to take hold of them, pushing them down onto the bed and high above his head.

“Hold the frame,” she instructs, raising her head to watch him as his fingers wind around the metal in tight grips.

“I want to touch you too…”

“Are you questioning me?” She wonders if she’s being too harsh, but Ayato’s been harsher with her before, even during a casual session. She can’t doubt herself too much just from something as simple as this.

Ayato’s eyes widen at her statement and he looks away immediately, murmuring a soft apology. She could barely hear it though and she knows that she has to assert herself now— accept nothing below the bare minimum. Ayato has always been clear about what he expects and he’s always made sure she lives up to it. If she messes up today, he’ll probably never let her hear the end of it.

“Louder,” she commands. “Look at me and apologize.”

He looks at her, a slight grimace crossing his face. “I’m sorry…”

“I’m sorry, _who_?” It feels so good, Hinami muses to herself, to put him through what he’s put her through.

“I’m sorry, Hinami…”

That went well, or so she hopes. Ayato’s watching her, almost sulking but still trying to keep a straight face. She goes back down but this time, pushing his t-shirt up to gain access to his body and making sure she lets her hands run along his body as she does so. She pushes the shirt up, pausing the moment it covered half of his face. His mouth curves into a frown as his realises his eyes are shielded. Hinami remembers being blindfolded by him before and she remembers how good it felt for her. _Maybe he’ll like it too…_

Her hands slide down his chest. She ignores the confused murmur calling her name out as she begins to rub his chest lightly, flicking one of his nipples. He gasps softly, squirming under her and as she starts tweaking, he begins moaning her name out, begging for more.

 _More?_ She wonders what else there is for her to do. She can think of the usual— kissing and sucking his body. But she gets to do that whenever she wants to. Ayato usually lets her touch him as much as she wants. She supposes he likes it when she does it as well. But she wants to make him feel better than he usually does.

It’s hopeless. She can’t think of anything. She wishes she has a guidebook to follow for this— a step-by-step, dominating for dummies book can come _really_ handy right now. If only she had the internet…

_Oh._

She realises that she had paused her movements. Now she’s merely touching a nipple rather than doing anything with it. Ayato’s visibly bothered by it. He’s biting his lip far too hard. Hinami crawls off him and gets off the bed. Standing by the bedside, she eyes him, lying spread out his bed, partly naked, blinded and almost bounded _just because she had him do so._ There’s something about how slipshod it looks that turns her on even more than she had thought it would.

“Lift your hips,” she instructs and he does so. She bends over to slowly unbutton his jeans and unzip it, ignoring the obvious tent between his legs. She pulls them off him and tosses them aside, before pushing him back down onto the mattress and parting his legs. “Keep them this way. I’ll be back.”

“Eh? Hinami wait—”

She walks away as he speaks, rushing over to the kitchen. She had left her bag on the floor when she stepped in. She looks through it and finds her phone easily. She’s sure she’ll be able to find something online that can help her. A quick search brings her to a forum she had ashamedly visited before occasionally, with red cheeks and only after checking to make sure she’s alone in her room and the doors are locked ten times. It’s a place women discuss their sex lives and after her _thing_ (whatever this is) with Ayato had begun, she had visited the forum to familiarise herself with things even more.

Today, she’s on a page she’s never been on in that site before— the place the dominatrixes gather. She scans the page, reading their ideas and visualizing them. Everything seems so _dirty_ but at the thought of Ayato doing the things they suggest has her red, hot and extremely bothered. The fact that Ayato himself is pretty hot with a body that any one would either die to have or die to be able to do things with doesn’t really help the situation. But even while the idea of doing such things with him appealed to her, she knows she doesn’t even have half of the things mentioned in there. She wonders if Ayato does, but why would he even own any of such toys, right?

Eventually, she comes across an idea that seems somewhat feasible though she wonders if he’d enjoy it.

 _Ice_.

Hinami takes the tray of ice from the freezer and returns back, as quiet as she can. Ayato doesn’t seem to have moved an inch from she last saw him, though he squirms slightly as he lies on the bed, breathing deeply while waiting for her. He’s actually been doing pretty well. The forum said to praise them when they do well.

She climbs into bed and places the tray and her phone down beside him. Ayato raises his head, murmuring her name softly as she lightly strokes his taut stomach. The muscle trembles from her touch and she wonders if she’s already teasing him too much. She hasn’t really done anything though, but she can’t help the doubts that’s surfacing as she looks at him.

“Tell me if anything is too much, okay?” she instructs.

“I’m fine.”

“I want to try something with you… Is that okay?”

She sees a small smile on his face. “You don’t have to ask me for anything.”

“The forum says that you have to be comfortable with it… and that we should know each other’s limits.”

Ayato remains silent for a moment, before he lets out a soft chuckle. She wonders if he’s already sobering up. She can’t see his face enough to tell anything, but his voice is still soft and shaky.

“If… it’s you, then I have no worries,” he says honestly and while she flushed at the thought of him trusting her completely, she notices the way the ends of his lips tug into a smile. For all she knows, he might be mocking her as well. Does he really think she can’t pull this of? The thought makes her fume a little. She’s going to show him otherwise if that’s the case.

She crawls over him again and leans forward, taking a nipple in her mouth. Ayato sucks in a breath as she takes it between her teeth and tugs on it.

_Talk dirty. Comment on whatever you can._

She remembers the instructions from the forum she’s read and she decides to follow it as much as she can. She glances up at him, still unable to gauge his feelings from his hidden eyes, but his lips are parted and he’s panting loudly.

“Just from this…” she murmurs, glancing down at his clothed erection. She sees a damp spot and smirks slightly. _He is that turned on after all._ She supposes she’s actually doing pretty well.

 _Emasculate him._ She doesn’t really have any idea how she could but she has her suspicions. She bites down on the hard nub, licking it to ease the sting, and Ayato simply arcs his back along with his soft moans.

“You’re so turned on just from this. Maybe you’re just a slut after all,” she snickers. Ayato whines in protest. Hinami’s sure her cheeks are flushed. She’s never used such words before. They’ve always been too crude for her. Ayato used them occasionally on her, but only when they’re really into it, like back then in the alley. She supposed there’s a first for everyone and this is it for her.

Ayato seemed too lost in his own pleasure to really notice anything else. Hinami reaches towards the tray and pulls a piece out without him even reacting. It’s cold in her hand and it’s already melting after being left there in that short while. It’s a small piece and it’ll probably melt completely after she uses it for a while. But it’s the best she has for now.

The moment it comes into contact with his skin, he hisses and his body stiffens. She presses it against the nipple she had just been playing with, the one that’s already sensitive from her ministrations. It’s melting fast and it soon turns into a small puddle of water, dribbling down his chest. Hinami licks it off him lightly, listening intently to the sounds he’s making. It’s starting to become really obvious that he’s been holding his moans in all these while.

“Aya—” She pauses midway through his name. Hadn’t she read something about giving pet names? He had once mentioned how he hates being called that. It’s a name one of his exes had coined and his friends back in high school had picked it up as well No one calls him that anymore and he had made Hinami promise not to ever call him that. It was too cute for his liking. But she supposed she can make an exception for this case.

“Aya, let’s play a game…” she says, grinning at the grimace on his face. She picks up handful of ice, placing a cube on each side of his chest. He trembles and it moves slightly, almost falling off before she pushes it back in position. “Keep still okay? If it falls, I’ll have to punish you.”

She can’t believe she’s really doing this and saying such things. Ayato’s jaw goes slack and his body stiffens in place. He seems to be doing fine, but of course, that’s not just it. In the post she had read, it took a lot of training for the poster’s boyfriend to get it right. She wonders if Ayato would be able to.

“Do you think you’ll be able to keep it there till it melts?” she asks sweetly. She crawls off him and sits beside him, watching as he struggles not to move. She knows he’s focusing from the way he’s biting his lips. She reaches over to push the t-shirt out of his eyes, unveiling his face entirely. His eyes are squeezed tight and she muses at how he’s really concentrating on keeping still as she asked him to.

 _He’s actually pretty obedient._ He’s still holding onto the railings just like she asked him to. He hadn’t resisted at all and he’s been following her instructions. She’s almost… proud. If he’s her pet, then he’s clearly a good one.

With a piece of ice between her fingers, she presses it down on the top of his stomach, running to down along the ridges of his abs. Ayato’s face scrunches up more, his body shuddering. But he keeps mostly still and the ice, while shifting a little, doesn’t fall. The sensation must feel good for him, especially since his skin felt like it was burning, in contrast to the coolness of the ice.

“Do you think you can do it?” she asks.

Ayato opens his eyes slightly, staring at her almost haughtily. “Don’t… fucking underestimate me.”

 _How rude…_ She simply smiles back at him and turns her attention back to his body, now coated in water that’s dripping down his sides. Even though she knows it’s just water, she wonders how it’ll taste and feel to lick it off his entire body.

She continues rubbing the ice all over him with one hand. He’s already fallen silent and completely still, now entirely used to the feeling. But he’s much more turned on than he was earlier on, it’s apparently from the spreading damp patch on his boxers. With her free hand, she takes a handful of ice. This had been the final straw in the post— the act that always got the guy punished. But Hinami believes Ayato might possibly succeed.

She moves quickly, lifting up the waistband of his boxers and throwing a couple of ice cubes in there. Ayato’s eyes shoot open. She’s never heard a scream from him before and she assumes that what slips out of his mouth is one— loud, forceful and high. His body stiffens and curves his back, the ice sliding off his body in the process. His hands fall from their positions at the frame, with one moving to cover his mouth as the other reaches over to palm his dick through his boxers. Hinami watches in amazement at the sight before her. Never once had he looked so raw and desperate. He doesn’t seem to bother with the fact she’s watching and he continues to rub himself, calling out and whining for her.

“I want to come… I’m gonna…” He comes with a choke, his body going tense for a moment before completely slackening. He lays before her, curled up slightly, looking up at her with narrowed, exhausted eyes.

 _The ice cubes dropped. He let go of the frames. He pushed her away. He touched himself. He actually came._ She does a mental calculation and that’s five things he’s done that he shouldn’t have. And from what the forum had said, if they do what they’re not supposed to, they should be punished.

* * *

Hinami lies beside him in silence, staring up at the ceiling. They’re both naked and spent, though Hinami wonders if he’s satisfied. He had came pretty hard though so she supposes he felt good. It was a new experience for both of them.

Ayato is lying on his side, back turned towards her– something she finds completely strange. Ayato never does this; he’s always taking the littlest of opportunities to just look at her. It always made her feel warm and light whenever she notices him watching her. She turns to her side as well, staring at him, eyes trailing along the ridges of his muscles. She travels down, pausing at his hip in slight surprise. She hadn’t noticed he had a tattoo before. He hadn’t told her about it as well. It was a simple tattoo of a fish, which she recognizes as the dragon fish he had pointed out to her in the store the other day. He also owns one, so she does wonder if it might actually be a tattoo of his pet.

“Ayato…” she murmurs. “Are you awake?”

He doesn’t give her a verbal answer, but he moves his head in what she assumes is a nod. Hinami shifts closer to him, pressing herself against his back. She feels his body tense up and hears a slight hitch in his breathing. He doesn’t sound okay. He doesn’t seem okay at all. She’s lost count of how many times she’s told him that it isn’t his fault, though he only seems to continue clinging on to his own belief. It sort of annoys her how he doesn’t seem to be listening, but at the same time she knows she can’t understand what he must be going through right now. Hinami feels sad that Kaneki and Touka had lost their child and she’s sad over the fact a kid is dead. But it’s more for Ayato. It’s a death to a member of his own family. It’s a culmination of years of pain and guilt, amplified by the thought that he’s responsible for the death of his own sister’s child, of his own niece. No matter what Hinami says, it’s not going to help him at all. She’s a nobody in this whole problem he has with her. She’s an outsider. She doesn’t even know the full picture.

But still, she wants to try. She wants him to feel better.

“Ayato… won’t you look at me?” she asks softly, a hand stroking his back lightly. Ayato shakes his head, his body curling into itself even more. Hinami raises her head, leaning slightly over him and in response, he buries his face into the pillow, hiding his face. Hinami remains silent, reaching for his face and slowly pushing his hair out of the way, tucking it behind his ear. She still can’t see his eyes. His bangs still fall over them no matter how much she tries to push them away. They’re too short for her move away, but too long to stay out of his eyes. Yet, even if she can’t see his expression, she can picture it— the face he made at the alley the other day, only double the intensity.

“Do you feel better?”

“No,” he rasps. “I feel worse.”

“I’m sorry… I thought what I did–”

“It isn’t that. That was nice… Kept my mind of things for a little while… Now it’s crashing back down on me and I…” He pauses in his sentence, his breathing taking a hitch.

“Ayato…”

“Why did you come back here, Hinami? Why are you doing all this?” he murmurs. “I’m no one to you.”

“You’re not no one to me!” she insists.

“It’s not like you love me or–”

“I still care about you very much…” she sighs. She never knows what he is to her. It doesn’t feel right calling him a friends after all they’ve done. He’s not a friend with benefits because there’s so much more than just the sex. But calling him a boyfriend or lover still feels too wrong. This is probably the only thing that’s holding her back from being able to truly convince him of his importance to her. She doesn’t have a label for him– so does that mean she can’t even be bothered?

He falls silent again. Hinami can still see him breathing hard, mouth parted slightly as his lips tremble occasionally. She can see him holding everything back in; she can see him forcing himself to keep the tears in. He’s trying his best to hide them from her, just like every time he stiffened in the past at the mention of Kaneki, only for Hinami to write it off as simple jealousy. She doesn’t say anything. She simply moves into a half-kneel, knees bent and turned away from her. They’re both still silent as she cradled his face, leaning her own forward till she’s resting her forehead against his temple, face buried in his thick locks.

_It’s okay, Ayato. I’m here._

She doesn’t say it, but she thinks he hears it anyway. His body trembles even more. He lets out a choke, a sob and then the floodgates break. For the first time since she’s gotten to know him, he cries. He’s always been strong and tough. He’s always determined; he always faces everything with a brave front. Just like back then in high school, when he was at his lowest. But she doubts he can go any lower than he’s at right now. Perhaps he realizes that as well. Perhaps that’s why he’s letting go and giving up.

“I’m sorry… I’m… sorry,” he sobs, hands clenched into fists and rubbing his face. “I’m sorry, Sis. This is all my fault. I’m sorry… I killed them… I killed both of them.”

She doesn’t know who the other person he’s talking about can possibly be. She has no idea at all. But even then, Hinami tightens her arms around him, nuzzling closer. “It’s not your fault,” she says again and again, he doesn’t listen. He clenches his fists, rubbing his face and eyes as he weeps softly. Hinami doesn’t know what she can do, except hold him tight and silently repeat over and over again the same few words. “It’s not your fault. It’s okay. I’m here.”


	7. Chapter 7

He can’t sleep. It’s even more annoying because he can’t toss and turn too much. Hinami is still clinging onto him, pressed against his back and deep asleep. He doesn’t really know when she fell asleep. He might have dozed off at one point; he probably cried himself to sleep. By the time he guesses he woke up, she’s no longer awake.

His head hurts, but he doesn’t think it’s the hangover. This doesn’t feel like a hangover. He rarely gets that drunk, but he’s gotten them once or twice before. It’s not just his head that hurts. His body feels really heavy and exhausted as well. His throat is parched and stinging– probably from all that hard crying. He’s never cried this much before, not ever since his mother died and that was when he was ten.

He didn’t cry when his father died. He didn’t know if he should. He didn’t know how to react to it. So he had shut up entirely, channelled everything to anger instead. It was all Kaneki’s fault. Kaneki is the reason he was in front of that car. Kaneki is the reason he broke a huge bunch of bones in his body. Kaneki is the reason he can’t run anymore. Hell, he can’t even walk all that well. It’s barely noticeable to everyone else, but Ayato knows the limp is there. It doesn’t feel right.

Pushing the blame onto Kaneki had been easy to deal with everything, to give himself a reason to run away from it all. But was he really okay, when his first alternative to not being able to obtain his dream was to live for his father’s? It hit him that night– he’s never blamed Kaneki, not truly. After all, Kaneki might have been the one who pushed him in front of the car, but the reason they were left stranded on the road that night, the reason Kaneki raised his hand and the reason all of it happened, was Ayato’s own selfishness after all. Kirishima Arata died because his disappointment of a son couldn’t live up to what he wanted him to be. If he’s been a good, model straight-As student like his father wanted him to, this wouldn’t have happened. _Touka_ would never have made their father suffer from a heart attack; she sure as hell wouldn’t have killed him.

He hadn’t thought about his father much lately. As time went on after his death, it became increasingly easy to pretend it never happened, especially when he moved away from his family. The biggest tragedy of his life right now isn’t what happened to his father. The biggest tragedy in his life is Hinami’s stupid love for her stupid big brother and Ayato’s currently-stagnating relationship with her. He has pretty much convinced himself about it for a long period of time, completely forgetting about everything else earlier on. That is until Hinami said those words.

_The baby died._

He really doesn’t want to think about it at all. He forces the thought out of his mind, turning his attention to something else instead, like the hard pelting of raindrops outside and the occasional claps of thunder. It’s raining– no wonder it felt so cold. It’s cold, but it’s still pretty nice.

Ayato likes the weather when it’s colder. He used to hate the rain, especially heavy rains. Heavy rains made it impossible to play soccer. Even when he did, the ground is too muddy and slippery that it ruins the mood. He used to like the sun, but he doesn’t really have any reason to anymore. All the sun does is make him sweat and give him unnecessary sunburns. The rain is nice. It’s cooling and relaxing and it always makes him feel so much better about locking himself indoors.

The weather is nice like this. Maybe he’ll feel better after a walk.

He sits up slowly, moving Hinami’s hands away from his waist as he moves away from her hold. She stirs slightly from the movement, but otherwise remain mainly asleep. He heads to his closet and pulls on the whatever he gets his hands on, leaving the clothes on the floor still in the messy heap they’re in. Hinami still doesn’t wake up, so without another glance back, he walks out. He only means to take a short stroll, maybe to enjoy the breeze and calm his nerves. He doesn’t bother to lock the door behind him; he doesn’t bother to take anything along with him.

He steps out, shivering slightly from the cool air. It’s colder than he thought it’ll be and the rain in front of him is heavier than he had anticipated. He leaves his apartment complex, hesitating a little at the sheltered walkway before he takes a step out into the open. He’s drenched in a matter of seconds. The water is freezing and he’s probably shivering. But as he stands out in the open, he can’t really bring himself to walk back. _He should_. He’ll catch a cold if he doesn’t. Yet, when his feet do start moving, they move in the opposite direction and he’s walking further and further away from home as he speaks.

Thunder claps overhead. Ayato realises that he doesn’t know what time it is. It has to be really late at night since the roads are practically empty. He doesn’t see anyone wandering about as well. He’s pretty much the only one around. It has to be past two at least. There’ll be some forms of life otherwise.

Why’s he even doing this? He should head back. What if Hinami happens to wake up when he’s gone? What would she think if she finds him missing? The thought makes him hesitate. He doesn’t want to bother her. She has her own worries and problems already. She doesn’t need him to be an additional burden. He’s already gone too far with the previous night. She didn’t need to see that. She probably felt obligated to stick by him and help him out.

Would she care enough if she wakes up and sees him missing? It’s different from seeing him cry right in front of her. Maybe she won’t care about it too much. She might go back to sleep assuming he went to the bathroom. That seemed more likely. He doubts she’ll worry too much if she finds him gone. He doesn’t have to head back too fast. Another clap of thunder sounds and he shivers.

 _Well… That was counterproductive._ He sighs and then stops, realising where he had subconsciously arrived. He’s… _home_. Ayato stares at the small house in awe. He hadn’t seen it in years but it’s still just as he remembered it. There hadn’t been any changes made to it at all. Even the nameplate barely had any change. It still said ‘Kirishima’ with a small addition of ‘Kaneki’ to it. He’s not surprised to see that though. His sister has always been a sentimental one.

He doesn’t know what he’s doing there, but he knows for sure he has no intention of making his presence known. If he didn’t deserve to face his sister after pushing her down, he doesn’t know what he deserves right now. Probably nothing. He’s taken the lives of two closed ones away from her. He can’t expect anything from her anymore. He should just quietly leave and pretend this never happened at all– crawl back home, back to Hinami and back to agonizing over the fact that he can never have her love. That seemed more appealing than all this.

But nothing ever goes like he expects to it anyway. 

“Hey, can I help you?” The rain drowns out the voice mostly. Ayato can hear the words, but he can’t make out the voice of the person talking. By the time he recognises that person, it’s already too late. He’s turned and made eye contact.

“Ayato!” Kaneki gasps, eyes going wide. A short distance away, Kaneki stands rooted in his spot. He’s struggling to keep the umbrella he’s holding onto in place but with much difficulty. He looks only a little less drenched than Ayato is.

 _He should go._ Ayato turns away immediately and starts walking away. The rain’s too loud for him to hear the footsteps that rush towards him and he doesn’t notice Kaneki coming up to him until the older man has his hand on his shoulder in a tight, secure grip. Ayato stops.

“I’m going home,” he mutters.

“Yeah, you are. Come on.” Kaneki pulls him in the opposite direction, dragging him into the house. He tries to fight back but his body doesn’t seem to listen. It’s too cold; he can feel the chill in his bones. Kaneki opens the door and pulls Ayato in along with him. Kaneki doesn’t have his umbrella with him anymore. Ayato glances over his shoulder to see it lying on the floor, being pushed away by the wind. Kaneki must have tossed it aside when he came after him.

“I should… go home,” Ayato grumbles. It wasn’t clear when he spoke outside but now that he’s inside, he can hear the chattering of his teeth.

“Stay here,” Kaneki commands. He’s using that voice again– the stern, authoritative voice. Ayato supposes it’s the same tone he uses when he’s dealing with his suspects and other criminals. It’ll work a lot during the investigations Kaneki has at work, but Kaneki’s used it on him a lot as well. Ayato hates it. It always makes him feel unwelcome and it does so now as well. Even though he’s in the house he was born in and grew up in, he feels like he shouldn’t be here.

“I need to leave,” Ayato insists. Kaneki pays no heed to his words initially, shrugging off his coat, kicking off his shoes and peeling off his socks. He reaches to turn the lights on and Ayato realises just how drenched Kaneki is. If Kaneki is that wet, Ayato must be wetter. That probably explains why Kaneki is able to move around relatively normally while Ayato is still shivering by the door.

“Stay here. I’ll get you some towels and I’ll put some tea on. You should change into something warmer as well,” Kaneki says.

“No, I–”

“Stay. Here,” Kaneki exerts again, cutting into his words. He turns to walk deeper into the house. The place lights up more and Ayato squints, looking around. From what he can see, the interior hasn’t changed much at all either. The walls are a different colour now though. They’re white. They had used to be blue. Ayato remembers painting them with his sister and father. He remembers the exact colour; he chose it after all.

If he wants to leave, this is the only chance he has. But even as he’s aching to turn around to dash out of the door, his body is still insistent on not listening to him. He’s still frozen in the spot, all the more now since the house felt warm, making it more obvious how cold his body is. Perhaps taking a walk in the rain really is a bad idea.

“Ken, is that you?” Ayato’s eyes widen as he hears the voice of someone else, his heartbeat picking up instantly. He needs to leave. He really needs to go.

_Touka…_

“Hey, why you’re soaked? You’ll fall sick.”

It seems like Touka is with Kaneki, which means she has no idea he’s there at all. It’s for the best that he doesn’t see her. He doesn’t have the right to; he’s told himself that so many times already. He already troubled her far too much by calling her and he could tell from her tone that she got really worried. He can only guess how she’d feel if she sees him in the state he is in right now. Touka doesn’t need any more of that. She’s been through too much already.

Ayato turns around and shakily reaches for the doorknob. This was a stupid idea. He shouldn’t have done this. The walk was supposed to clear his mind, not land him shivering and drenched at his old home, feeling worse about it. If he hadn’t left, he would still be curled up in Hinami’s arms. He’d be warm and dry in the embrace of someone who might not love him, but at least cares about him. She said it before they fell asleep, didn’t she? _I still care about you very much…_

He shouldn’t have left. He should have stayed there. This was a stupid idea.

“I figured you’d be trying to leave the moment you hear her.” Ayato glances behind as he hears Kaneki’s sigh. Kaneki walks over and grabs his arm again, tugging him away from the door. “I don’t think so. You’re not going out there again.”

“It’s none of your business,” Ayato grumbles.

“No decent human being is going to let someone else walk in the rain like that,” Kaneki argues back. He throws a towel at Ayato, which Ayato disgruntledly accepts.

“But you’re not a decent human being so let me go.” Despite his verbal protests, Ayato knows Kaneki isn’t going to give in to him so easily. He presses the cloth against his body and while it doesn’t make much of a difference, it does soak in the loose droplets of water that have been falling off him and forming a puddle on the floor.

“Very funny,” Kaneki mutters. “I do believe that’s not something I’d want to hear from your mouth.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I may not be the most decent of humans, but Ayato, you’re not one to comment on it.”

He’s about to argue back, but he stops. Kaneki’s staring at him in hard eyes and it takes a moment for him to remember why such a forlorn expression might be on his face. It wasn’t just Touka who lost a kid, it was Kaneki as well. Ayato knows he’s not in any position to argue with Kaneki now. But he’s still not keen on following Kaneki in.

That is until a figure shows up behind Kaneki and Ayato realizes that his chance is up.

“Ken, why do you need two mugs? I don’t want any tea. I don’t even like it—” Touka pauses in her steps, holding two mugs in her hands. She looks so much different from the last time he’s seen her. She’s smaller, of course. She doesn’t have the belly anymore. Her hair is notably different as well. It was dyed and wavy the last he’s seen it. _She had it done_. But now her hair’s straight and flat. It’s back to its usual dark color. _She hasn’t bothered to take care of it_. Her hair is probably the last thing on her mind right now.

“Ayato…?” Her voice trembles as she says his name and for a moment, he’s worried she might drop the two mugs.

“I found him wandering outside,” Kaneki says. He walks to Touka and takes the two mugs from her. “I’ll be inside. Ayato, you should come and drink it before it goes cold.”

The place falls silent, aside from Kaneki’s receding footsteps, which eventually fades to nothing else as well. Touka stares at him with confused eyes and Ayato himself doesn’t know what to say or do. He looks away from her, pressing the towel to his head to dry his hair and more importantly, shield his face from her. He doesn’t want to look.

“Don’t do it like that. You’ll catch a cold.” He hears her voice closer and senses her presence right beside him. He feels her hands on the towel, pressing down on his head. She’s rough as she dries him off, but it feels nostalgic. She used to bathe him after their mother died after all.

“I’m going home,” he says after a while, pushing her hands away.

“But you’re already home,” Touka murmurs. She grabs onto one of his sleeves and he looks at her, trying his best to force out an annoyed expression. “You’ll fall sick… You should stay the night or at least until the rain stops.”

“You don’t want me here… not after everything.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just tired. Can we stop this already?” Touka sighs.

“Just leave me alone,” he grumbles, trying to pull his arm away. Touka tightens her grip and her dazed expression hardens to a frown.

“Leave you alone? Leave _you_ alone?” she snaps. “Who was the one who called me all of a sudden? Who was the one who suddenly showed up here? You can’t just do this and then take it out on me for trying to talk!”

“I was drunk just now. It was a drunk call. Don’t pay any mind to it,” he says. “Really, let me go—”

“No! The call might be a drunkard call or something but you still came here on your own accord, didn’t you? Are you drunk now as well? Because if you are then that’s all the more a reason for me _not_ to let you go now.” She’s holding onto his arm now and he knows that she isn’t going to let him go.

“Give it up already, Ayato,” Kaneki calls out from inside the house. “Your tea is getting cold.”

He doesn’t have a choice. Still trying to avoid looking at Touka, he kicks off his shoes and enters the house. Kaneki is sitting on the couch in the living room, drinking from one of the mugs. A towel lays over his shoulder. His hair is still wet, but it’s not plastered against his head anymore. Instead, the strands stick out awkwardly and Ayato supposes he didn’t bother much about them after he dried himself.

“You should drink it,” Kaneki says, nodding to the other mug. “After that, get yourself changed. God knows how long you were standing there before I showed up. You’re thankful it was me who saw you. Someone else might call the cops and this time, maybe they won’t let you off.”

“He won’t get into trouble,” Touka speaks up from behind. “This house is his as much as it is ours.”

“He didn’t pay for it.”

“Neither did we.”

Kaneki looks over at them, a slight annoyance crossing his face. He drains the cup of its contents before he gets up. “I’m going to take a shower. Ayato can take his after I’m done.”

Ayato nods initially, but as Kaneki walks away, he starts to panic. It means he’s alone with Touka now and he doesn’t know how to deal with that. The towel still remains on his head and it helps to shield his face from her, but he also looks like a total idiot doing it. He knows that Touka knows he’s trying to avoid her and this simply makes everything all the more awkward.

“Don’t stand there like an idiot. Your tea is gonna go cold,” she murmurs, lightly pushing his back.

“I’m not thirsty,” he says.

“It’ll warm you up,” she says with a sigh. She reaches over and pulls the towel off him. “And stop keeping that there, you look like an idiot.”

“I want to go back,” he says.

Touka takes a deep breath and sighs. “You can when the rain stops.”

“I don’t like it here,” he admits.

“I know. I know it’s hard and I know it brings back bad memories but–”

“I shouldn’t be here, Touka,” he cuts in. _I have no right to._ He almost says it out, but he knows it’ll only piss her off even more. She’s too forgiving. She’s made that clear from still showing him a lot of care and love even after all that he’s done.

“ _I know how hard it is_ –”

“No. No, you don’t,” he growls, turning to her without really thinking twice about it. It’s only when he’s looking at her that he stiffens.

 _Face your fears,_ his father used to tell him. That was regarding soccer in particular, but right now, he thinks it’s pretty applicable as well. He’s terrified of looking his sister in the eye. He doesn’t know what he should expect. Touka might be nice and kind to him right now but it’s always in the depths of one’s eyes that you see their true selves, that you see their true emotion.

What would he do if he looks in her eyes and sees the truth buried under those midnight eyes? What would he do then? Is he ready to know just how much he hurt her? He doubts so. And so, he hid. He hid from her and he hid himself from her. But right now, they’re looking at each other, all of their the deepest secrets all laid bare for the other to see.

“You don’t know how hard it is to be here,” he whispers.

Touka nibbles her lips slightly. Her eyes are down, he notes. He can’t really tell what she’s thinking. But slowly, she raises her head. His eyes meet her eye– the one that’s not veiled by her thick bangs. It’s glimmering in the bright light of the living room, watery from unshed tears. He’s speechless as he stares at her. He sees a lot of things in there– regret, despair, fear, to name a few. He doesn’t see a tinge of hate but that was not unpredictable. He knows she’ll hold nothing against him and it just makes him feel all the more worse. He wishes she just hates him instead. He wishes she had greeted him with a harsh slap instead of wiping his hair for him and pampering him the moment she sets her eyes on him. Those things are much easier to deal with.

“You should hate me,” he says and Touka frowns in an immediate response.

“Why? I can never hate you.”

“I killed them,” he replies and her frown deepens. She raises her hand and presses it to his cheek, lightly stroking it with his thumb.

“Who? You’ve never killed anyone, Ayato,” she says with a soft sigh.

“I have, Touka. Don’t lie to yourself.”

“My baby brother who wouldn’t drink at my twentieth birthday party because he’s too young for it is incapable of killing anyone. _That_ I am very sure of,” she says. Her eyes drop and her other hand goes to her tummy. “If you’re talking about her, it’s not your fault at all.”

“I… pushed you…”

She looks up at him with a grim smile. But even as she’s smiling up at him like this, he knows she’s not smiling deep down. He wonders if she cried– if she _let_ herself cry. She’s always keeping a strong front. He heard that she didn’t cry during their father’s funeral and that she went about running things without even a shaky voice. Whether that’s true, he doesn’t know since he wasn’t there, but he can picture it easily.

“Yes, it was a terrible and shitty thing for you to do and it’s worse that you ran away and never bothered to check on me at all,” Touka says, her voice stern. Ayato grimaces at the tone but Touka’s face softens. “She probably wouldn’t have made it even if that hadn’t happened. We were warned from the beginning.”

“Warned?”

“There were too many complications. The doctors told us to… get rid of her, that there’ll be no chance. But I wanted to hold on. I had my faith,” Touka explains. “I… just wanted her to make it, you know… I didn’t want to lose anyone anymore.”

Ayato’s head reels as Touka takes a step back, bringing her arm over to her face and wiping her eyes with her sleeve. She’s crying. His _always strong, always tough, always composed_ sister is tearing up. He feels a lump rise in his throat. _Okay, he_ didn’t _kill the baby._ But he doesn’t feel a tinge better about things at all, not when she sniffs again and continues to wipe her tears.

“Shit. Why won’t they stop?” she mutters under her breath. She’s suffered too much already. Her mother died a long time ago. Her father fell sick from overwork and lived his final years as a weakling until he died from a heart attack when he saw his son on the brink of death. Her brother survived, but even he left her, taking his bags, walking out of the house and turning his back on her. He didn’t realise it till now but, Touka hadn’t had time to grieve over their father because of Ayato’s accident. Yet, the moment he was out of the hospital, he chose to leave home immediately. In that short period of time, Touka had lost both of her closest blood relations.

It’s no wonder her bond with her husband is so strong; _he was there for her when no one else was._

Ayato feels sick. He feels sicker just from watching Touka, her hands fumbling even more as she struggles with keeping her tears in. Just how long is she going to do this? Just how long is he going to make her do this? _Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck._ Cursing and slapping himself mentally, he closes the gap between them, taking her by her arms and pulling her to him, until she’s pressed against him. His arms wind around her, hugging her tightly. Touka has always been his big sister. It’s only now he realises how small she is. She’s only a little taller than Hinami. When he’s hugging her, it’s like he’s enveloping her in his much, much bigger body.

“It’s okay… It’s okay, Sis,” he murmurs.

“A-Ayato…?”

“It’s fine now. Everything is fine now. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” he continues. How can he? He can’t even consider leaving her, not when she’s in such a state.

And for probably the first time since he was born, Ayato hears her wails. Touka’s arms cling onto him tightly, face buried deep into his chest. She’s screaming, loud enough that he feels her voice reverberated through his body. The louder his sister cries, the tighter he hugs her. He’s an idiot; he’s a jerk. Touka deserves better. He knows that so damn fucking well. But there’s nothing they can do about it. _He’s_ all she has. She’s not going to get another brother now. They both have to make do with it. It’s easy for Touka. Ayato knows that she loves him much more than she should, much more than he deserves.

The least he can do is try to act in a way that at least pays her back for that.

* * *

She hears a noise. It sounds a lot like a door being closed.

Hinami wakes up feeling cold. She knows immediately why she feels that way. It’s raining heavily from the outside and she’s naked. But what she does find weird is that there’s no trace of the heat from another person’s body at all. She opens her eyes a little and blinks the blurriness away. She’s looking right ahead. She sees the edge of the bed, the closet beside it and the window beyond that. She’s still on her side of the bed, which means she shouldn’t be seeing those things at all. It’s either she’ll be facing the other way to see Ayato’s study table and the short walkway to his bathroom, or she should be seeing him. It’s neither. In other words, Ayato isn’t in bed.

 _Maybe he went to the bathroom…_ That’ll explain why she heard a door. Hinami closes her eyes again, sighing softly as she tries to drift off to sleep again. But it’s harder than she thought it’ll be. She thinks about what happened earlier on, about how Ayato had cried himself to sleep in her arms. Ayato never cried in front of her before. She’s seen him in his ups and downs back when they were in high school. She remembers all those strange rumors. One moment, he was doing perfectly. She remembers how _everyone_ was talking about him. He got that big-name scholarship from that huge sports school or something– something that’s only reserved for the top of the nation’s talents. No one was too surprised. He was their school’s pride and joy in the sports field, so much so that the teachers all turned a blind eye to his grades. If there’s anyone in Kiyomi High School that would have gotten that scholarship, it had to be Kirishima Ayato. He was _that_ talented; he was _that_ amazing. 

But things changed all of a sudden. Hinami herself isn’t sure what happened and when it happened. They knew each other at this point in time– they had been in the same class in their first and second years– but they were not close to the point that she’d notice if he suddenly went missing from school. He did and about a week later, she overheard a pair of her classmates talking. That was how she found out. He met with an accident. He’s in a coma. Apparently, his father died when he heard about it.

Hinami’s eyes shoot open. _Oh, so that’s what he was talking about._ His father got a heart attack from hearing about the accident. That must have been what Ayato was talking about when he said that he killed _both of them_.

Hinami sits up. He’s surely taking awhile in the bathroom and she doesn’t hear a single sound, not even the flowing of water. Looking up, she realised that the bathroom light isn’t even turned on. Slowly, she gets up to her feet. She bends down and takes Ayato’s t-shirt from the floor, pulling it on as she slowly walks towards the bathroom. It falls to the mid-section of her thighs, the edges of the sleeves hanging off her hands. It’s far too big for her, but that comes with no surprise. Ayato is pretty well-built after all.

“Ayato?” she calls out as she nears the bathroom. “Ayato, are you in there?”

She doesn’t want to walk in on him if he’s in the middle of something. She doesn’t understand why he’d be in the dark. It’s creepy and she doesn’t think he’s into sitting in the dark that much. _It’s where the bugs hide_ , he had said once, and Hinami knows he hates bugs. She knocks on the door again but there’s still no response.

“Ayato, I’m coming in.” She pushes open the door with one hand as the other moves to flick the light switch. The room is illuminated and she doesn’t have to spend another moment staring at it to know it’s empty. She blinks at the vacant bathroom in disbelief until a sudden flash brightens up the entire apartment for a second, only for it to plunge the place back into darkness again. A few seconds later, she hears a loud clap.

_Lightning. Thunder. Rain. It’s almost like there’s a storm outside._

She rushes away from the bathroom and out of the bedroom. The apartment is silent aside from the sound of the raindrops falling harder and harder outside. There’s no trace of life aside from her and the three tanks full of fishes. She notices one of them staring at her. It’s the dragon fish again. It’s a pretty fish when she’s looking at it from the side, but now that she’s seeing it directly from the front, it looks strange. Its mouth is curved downwards. It’s almost like it’s feeling sad. Ayato does spend a lot of time looking at this fish, much more than his other ones. She’s always assumed it’s because it’s his favourite fish, but as she watches it swim slowly with that permanent expression, she wonders if it’s the melancholic vibe of the fish that really attracts him to it.

“Ayato!” she cries out. She walks to the kitchen and looks in. He isn’t there as well. There are no other rooms around and the apartment is far too small for her to have missed him somehow. She doesn’t know where he is, but she knows for sure that he has left the apartment. Another flash occurs, followed by another loud clap.

_He left the apartment in the rain?!_

Hinami glances over at the corner where he keeps his umbrella. He only has two of them and both of them are still leaning against the wall untouched. She’s sure he doesn’t own a raincoat. He must have walked out in the rain just as he is.

_That idiot Ayato…_

A wave of panic washes over her. What person in their right mind would do that? It hits her less than a second later– he’s not in his right mind right now. He had looked completely lost and confused last night, depressed and almost lifeless. He had looked at her with the eyes of a man that almost seemed dead, cursing his own fate. She doesn’t think he’s capable of doing anything too drastic, but even then, does she really know?

_The eyes of a dead man…_

_Ayato…_

“Shit,” she curses– she never curses– before she runs out, throwing the door open as she leaves his apartment. Her feet shivers the moment they come into contact with the bare zinc flooring, cold and wet from the rain. She screams his name, over and over again. He doesn’t seem to be anywhere in close to the apartment complex. She doesn’t see him even when she looks down at the street below.

_Ayato…_

She should go back and get some clothes and shoes. She should go back and get an umbrella. She should get her phone to call him. Maybe he went somewhere urgently. There’s a lot of things she can and should do. But instead, she’s scampering down the stairs and dashing out to the streets, looking around. She’s scared; she’s so so scared. She doesn’t know what he’s going to do and she’s even less sure of what he’s capable of doing. Out on the street, she looks around the place, the cold and the rain the last thing on her mind. She looks up, eyes lingering on the roof of the apartment complex. There’s nothing– no one– there. She relaxes, or tries to at least. She’s jumping to conclusions. He wouldn’t just do _that_.

_Ayato… Ayato…_

Or maybe he would, just not somewhere so predictable. Hinami’s breath catches in her throat and she starts running. She’s never been much of a runner. She doesn’t have that great a stamina and she barely passes physical ed. But she can’t be bothered about how she’s barely breathing as she runs. She can’t be bothered about how her lungs scream for air and her heart threatens to break out of her ribs. She runs all the way to their university, stopping at the entrance. The compound looks like a ghost town but she hears the screams and chattering of people, probably from the dorms right beside. _Another predictable place._ She starts running again, screaming his name at the top of her voice. Her eyes are streaming. She hadn’t known when it was that she started crying.

_Ayato… Ayato… Ayato…_

She’s being drowned but the raindrops and the claps of thunder. No matter how loud she screams, she can’t hear herself. She doesn’t expect him to at all. But even so, she screams it out, running through the street like a madman. She realises how obscene she must look right now in what she’s wearing. She’s only wearing his t-shirt. She hadn’t even realised how light it is. Her skin can practically be seen. Her nipples are hard and erect from the cold and they stick blatantly out through the thin cotton. _She feels so naked._

She needs to go back. It’s a bad idea to be out like this. She should have thought things through before jumping to conclusions. But she’s too worried. She can’t remain optimistic, not after she’s seen him at such a state. It still feels like he’s doing something, either dumb or tragic, but either way, she knows it’s drastic. No one just leaves home in the rain like this. Her own desperation is evidence enough that she should be worrying about Ayato. He probably did something stupid as well.

_Where are you? Where are you… Ayato…?_

She wants to throw up. He couldn’t have done… _that_ … right? The thought makes her head spin. Won’t she lose him for good if he does? Would he make that choice? He’d leave her behind if he did. She’ll be all alone; he’s all she has. Not even Kaneki can give her the comfort and warmth that Ayato does. Not even Kaneki can make her feel safe like Ayato does. Not even Kaneki will go to the extents Ayato does for her. She hadn’t realised it much before but standing in the middle of a street, soaked to the bones and entirely all alone, Hinami doesn’t think she’s felt fear like this before. It’s getting really hard to breathe and she knows this isn’t from her running. She thinks back to waking up knowing that she’ll never see Mama and Papa again. She remembers how crushed and broken she felt every morning as the thought fills her head and tears fill her eyes. Will this be her again now? Will she go to sleep crying for Ayato just as she had cried for her parents? Will she pray for him to suddenly show up in her bedroom every morning, just as she had done for her parents when she was a kid?

_Ayato… Ayato…_

She shakes her head. She can’t give up so easily. She runs all the way back to the apartment. The muscles in her legs ache as she climbs up the stairs, skipping steps as she goes. She hadn’t realised it till she’s on smoother flooring, but the soles of her feet were throbbing from running on rough tar for so long. By the time she’s outside his apartment, she’s barely breathing. She’ll get proper clothes and she’ll search the town again.

_Ayato… She needs to find Ayato._

She scampers into the room, but thoughts of getting clothes vanish the moment she steps in. _Her phone._ She sees it on the bedside table. She grabs it immediately, looking through her contacts for his name. She hits on it with shivering fingers, bringing the phone up to her ear, hands still shaking. _Please answer… Please answer, Ayato…_ As she listens to the ring from her phone, her ears prick at the sound of another tone coming from outside. Hinami hesitates for a moment, before she walks out, following it. The sound gets louder as she approaches the kitchen and when she looks in, she sees a lighted screen on the floor in the corner.

The tone in her phone stops and immediately, the one from the kitchen does too. She doesn’t redial, but instead, she approaches it. The screen remains lit for a moment before it blacks out. Hinami bends down and picks the object up. It’s a phone– the same model as hers, only it’s black instead of white. She lights the screen up. The familiar lock screen comes up, a photo of the back of a girl reading a book set as the background image. It’s not obvious just from that picture who the girl is but Hinami knows that it’s her. She knows that picture so well. Ayato had taken it when they were studying together some time back. On the screen, there’s also a small notification.

 _Hina_ ❤︎ _  
Missed Call._

It is his phone after all.

Her body is still trembling as she gets up, placing his phone on the counter. There’s no chance of contacting him now. She wonders if he left it at home intentionally. But that would mean he’s doing something terrible enough for him to want to remain uncontactable. Whatever it is, she can’t think of any reason why it will be on the floor out of all places. She’s read books and watched movies before and in every one of those scenes, it’s always an indication of a fight or some kidnap scene. She doesn’t think something like that happened but she’s sure it had to be something bad for it to be on the floor. Did he try calling someone only to get angry and throw it or something?

Curious, she unlocks his phone. She knows his passcode; it’s the combination of their birthdays. She checks his messages and call logs and right below her name, she sees her answer. The name on the contact he had called stares back at her as she watches it. She’s momentarily in disbelief. 

_Kirishima Touka / (_ ⁎ _˃_ ᆺ _˂)_ ＼

He called his sister. She glances at the time and realises that it was a few hours ago, before Hinami even returned from class. This call can’t possibly be the reason why he’s missing but this is probably the reason why Kaneki had spammed her with messages and calls when she was in class. Ayato must have said something to Touka that worried her, or maybe simply seeing that he had called her worried her. Either way, Hinami now has a vague idea where she should be headed to.

She can’t think of anywhere else he’ll go.

She makes a quick trip back to the bedroom to pull on more clothes– her panties, her skirt and the jacket that’s hanging on his chair. Wearing a bra would take too long and even though Hinami knows that he should be safe, she’s still worried and she wants to get here as soon as she can. But this time, she makes sure she puts on some shoes. She doesn’t bother with umbrellas and raincoats since she’s already drenched to the bone. She heads out of the house and goes towards her destination, running faster than she was previously. She didn’t think she had that much stamina. Maybe she’s fitter than she thought. Maybe all the sex helped. Maybe it’s something else.

There’s still the deep churning in her abdomen. Her heart is still being squeezed by the same grip of anxiety. She’s worried. Even though she thinks he’s safe, she’s worried. For some reason, she has to see him. She can simply call the place to check if he’s there. The idea had surfaced in her mind when she was leaving the apartment. She discards it immediately. She needs to see him for herself, in the flesh. She needs to know he’s okay.

_Ayato… Ayato… Ayato…_

She runs, not slowing down even when she sees the familiar characters on the nameplate of a house. She runs in, throwing herself towards the porch. She slams her fists against the door repeatedly, knocking it over and over again. The lights of the house are turned on. She knows someone there is awake. She’s crying out, but she’s not sure what she’s saying. All she knows is that he’s there. He should be there.

_Ayato! Ayato!!_

The door opens and she rushes in, only for a pair of hands to grab her by her upper arms and stop her dead in her tracks, holding her close to him. She looks up, expecting to see warm blue eyes behind the usual long, unruly dark bangs. The person who’s holding her is about the same height and build. It might be him. _It might be Ayato._

But when she lays eyes on who’s before her, her heart sinks immediately. It’s not blue eyes she’s staring at; it’s grey. The person’s hair is white. While he does have a gentle gaze, it lacks the burning intensity that is always residing in Ayato’s eyes as well. _It’s not Ayato…_ It takes a moment for recognition to sink in. 

“B-Big Brother!” she gasps, choking from the lack of breath.

“Hinami? You too?” He seems just as surprised to see her but his words make her eyes go wide. _You too?_ Someone else had come here as well. It had to be him.

_Ayato… Ayato is here. Ayato had come here. Ayato… Ayato…_

“Shit, you’re shivering so much,” Kaneki grumbles as he shuts the door. He pulls her close to him and hugs her tight. “It’s okay now. Come in.”

 _No. No!_ She’s shaking her head. It doesn’t matter if she’s shivering. It’s not about her. _It’s about Ayato. Ayato!_ She wants to scream for him but her breath is still caught in her throat, lungs still trying their best to stabilise after her long run. Kaneki pulls her into the house, now holding her close to him by his side. She doesn’t think he’s ever held her this long before, but right now, she can’t seem to care. Her eyes dart about the place as Kaneki leads her into the kitchen. She doesn’t see him anywhere at all.

_Ayato… Ayato…_

Was she wrong after all? Maybe he didn’t come here.

_No… Ayato… where are you?_

“Ayato…” she finally manages out. Kaneki looks at her with a raised eyebrow. “Ayato… where is he?”

“Hinami, calm down. We’ll get you warm first–”

“No!” she cuts in. “You don’t understand, Big Brother! He went missing. I can’t find him anywhere. I searched the whole town… I went to all his favorite hang out spots. I can’t find him at all. I’m so worried–”

“Hinami,” Kaneki sighs, but Hinami ignores him, continuing with her ramble.

“He was so weird last night, Big Brother! I’m really scared. Is Ayato here? Please, I need to see him. I need to know he’s okay. I’m scared he did something. I don’t want anything to happen to him. _I don’t want to lose him._ I–”

“Sis?”

Hinami pauses at the voice that she hears from a short distance away. Her heart stops for a moment, only to start beating much faster the moment she hears it again. “Guys? I’m done with the shower… Uhmm… Where are you guys? Touka?”

_Ayato!_

She pushes Kaneki away and runs out, coming to a halt the moment she lays her eyes on the familiar head of blue hair, the slope of his broad shoulders and the hints of the black ink of the tattoo on his waist that is peeking out of the pair of sweatpants he’s wearing. He has his back turned to her, but she’s silent as she watches him.

_Ayato… It’s really him… Ayato… Ayato…_

He must have heard her footsteps because he turns to look merely seconds after she stopped. His eyes shoot open the moment he lay them on her and his lips part. He’s in the midst of saying her name before she runs right to him, arms winding around his shoulder and face nuzzling into the crook of his neck as she pulls him into a tight embrace. _Ayato, Ayato, Ayato._ She breathes deeply, inhaling the smell of lavenders, probably soap, and also the scent that is undeniably his– the same scent she’s so used to smelling whenever they have their bodies pressed against each other.

“Hinami? What are you doing here–”

She cuts him off by meshing her lips against his, moulding them together. Even as she’s standing on her tiptoes, she’s pulling him down so that their lips can meet. She pushes her tongue into the cavern of his mouth, running it along his lips, teeth, tongue and even the roof of his mouth. She moans his name over and over again, her voice muffled against his lips, harmonizing with his own moans. _Ayato… Ayato… Ayato…_ She’s never wanted to feel him against her so much as she does now. She never wants to have him beside her the way she does now. There’s a fire burning deep within her that’s never been there before, or perhaps it has, only to be overlooked as she’s blinded by her own ignorance.

At this moment, Hinami realises that something has changed. Perhaps it might have changed sometime back but she was too dumb to realise it. Perhaps it really did take such a big scare for her to snap back into reality. Was losing Ayato really what she needed as a motivation to finally– _literally_ – push Kaneki away? She had never run into someone’s arms as fast as she had run into Ayato mere seconds ago, not even into Kaneki’s. The way she’s feeling is something very very different after all.

 _Eh?_ What is she thinking?

She breaks the kiss apart but stays as close as she can be to him. Resting her forehead against his, her eyes are narrowed into small slits. She watches the space between their lips; as small as it might be, it still feels like they’re too far apart.

This is _so_ weird.

Her eyes fix on the strand of their saliva connecting both of their moist, swollen lips. She can’t tell whose it is. It’s a mixture of both of theirs, almost like a union. She feels hot just thinking about it, about how her tongue was exploring deep inside of him merely a minute ago. They’ve made out before, but it’s never messed with her head this much before.

Strangely, she wants to kiss him more. She wants to keep kissing him until the end of time. She’s felt thirsty for him before, hungry to feel his naked body against hers or to have him buried deep inside her seeping core. But she’s never been so desperate to kiss him over and over again as she does now.

“Ayato,” she whispers, pressing her lips against his again. She nibbles on his bottom lip, tugging it a little. Ayato pulls her closer to him, hands resting on her hips, under the jacket but above the cotton t-shirt. She forces him to part his lips again and slides her tongue in. His tongue meets her and they run along each other, coiling and twisting. He tastes like mint; she wonders if he just brushed his teeth. From the dampness of his hair, the lavender scent lingering on him, and the (lack of) clothes he’s wearing, she assumes he just took a shower. She’s pretty sure the pair of sweatpants he’s wearing right now doesn’t belong to him as well.

Her hands move down his body, raking his back lightly with her nails. She’s moaning his name again. It’s all she’s able to say– _Ayato, Ayato, Ayato, Ayato, Ayato._ He kisses her back with a force just as hard, a passion just as powerful. His hands slide up her body, moving to her chest, cupping her breasts and pinching her erect nipples. She senses his surprise even if she has her eyes closed and can’t see it. She’s not wearing a bra, after all.

He pulls away from her for a few seconds, hands falling back down to her hips to lift her up. Her legs wind around his waist, one hand finding its place deep in the messy tresses of his hair while the other claws into his back muscles. He kisses her again and she murmurs his name silently. _Ayato, Ayato, Ayato._ She’s chanting his name like a mantra in her head. It had never occurred to her just how beautiful his name sounds being repeated over and over again. It’s rhythmic, even on its own.

She feels him move but she pays no attention to it until she feels her back hit what she assumes is a well. She too distracted to pay too much attention to that, especially when Ayato’s thrusting his tongue into her mouth this time. His body presses against hers, holding her in place, as his hands settle on her ass, massaging them skillfully as he grinds his hips against her.

It doesn’t bother her a single bit that she’s in Kaneki’s house right now and that he’s right next door in the kitchen. It doesn’t even cross her mind that he might walk out and see just how much of a slut she is for Ayato. She doesn’t care about any of that. At that point in time, the only one in her world is Ayato and she finds herself not caring if he’s the only person to there for the rest of time. Just the thought of losing him it too much to bear. She doesn’t want to go through all that again.

Ayato pulls away from her when they hear footsteps approaching and he sets her down immediately, eyes looking down at her with a look part-lust and part-confusion. All of this must have been a shock for him. He clearly was surprised to see her in the place. Whatever she just did must have shocked him even more. This isn’t how things normally are, after all.

But it’s expected. Because the truth is, _something really has changed._


	8. Chapter 8

“What are the two of you doing?”

Kaneki’s voice snaps him out of the trance he found himself in. He tears his eyes away from Hinami’s and turns to Kaneki, mind reeling in surprise and confusion. Why is Hinami here? Why is she so wet? Why is she wearing his clothes? But, most importantly, _what the fuck just happened?_

“I’d appreciate if the two of you keep that behind closed doors. I have a young daughter in this house,” Kaneki says, clearing his throat. He holds out a mug and nods at Hinami. “I have some hot tea… since _someone_ didn’t drink his.”

Ayato narrowed his eyes. Sure, he hadn’t drunk his because he had completely forgotten about it. But tea was clearly the last thing on his mind when he had his sister crying in his arms. By the time Kaneki had returned from his shower and Touka had calmed down, Ayato was mostly dried and the tea had gone cold. Kaneki had seemed annoyed that his hard work went to waste but Ayato couldn’t care less. Besides, just like his sister, he isn’t the biggest fan of tea.

Hinami looks at Kaneki, then at Ayato and then back to Kaneki again. Her brows are a little furrowed. She looks almost troubled. “Big Brother…” she says a little uncomfortably.

She’s still holding him. He realises that as her fingers dig into his chest. Even as she stares at Kaneki, she doesn’t seem to have moved an inch away from him at all. _And just how is that supposed to be anything but weird?_

“Hinami?” he murmurs.

Her head snaps to over to him, her eyes widening for some reason. “Yes?”

“Kaneki made you some tea… You should drink it…”

She turns to Kaneki again and maybe it’s only now that Hinami realises what’s going on. Her cheeks colour and she jumps away from Ayato with a soft squeak. She hurries over to Kaneki and takes the mug from him. “Right, tea. Thank you very much, Big Brother. You didn’t have to go through the trouble and make this.”

Kaneki watches her as she drinks, his brows furrowing a little. “It wasn’t much of a trouble… It’s actually Ayato’s tea–”

Hinami coughs, almost choking and spitting her drink out. She clasps a hand over her mouth, trying to regain her composure, as both Ayato and Kaneki stare at her in confusion.

“Hinami? Are you okay?” Kaneki asks slowly.

“I’m fine…” she says quickly. She drinks the rest of her tea in one go, chugging it down before she passes the mug to Kaneki. She takes a few steps away from him, rubbing her arm quickly. “Thank you very much, Big Brother. This was very delicious…”

“You should get dressed,” Kaneki says. “Ayato, can you keep this mug for me? I’ll go get Touka and we’ll get Hinami settled.”

“You don’t have to Big Brother… I’ll just go home now–”

“You’re not going home now. It’s in the middle of the night,” Kaneki snaps at her. He takes her by the shoulder, pushing her deeper into the house. He hands the mug over to Ayato as he walks past him before he leads Hinami down the corridor to the room right at the end. He knows that room. It used to be his parents’ room, but it seems like Touka and Kaneki might have taken over it. Perhaps some things about the house really did change. He wonders what happened to his room. Did that change as well?

_Did Hinami?_

The thought surfaces in his mind randomly. Hinami’s kisses were different, maybe something changed as well. Deep down, maybe something feels different for her. He wonders if that explains why it took her so long to pull away from him to go to Kaneki. She paid attention to him despite Kaneki being around. That’s an achievement, isn’t it? After all, it’s _Kaneki_ , the person she had obsessed over since god knows when.

A lump rises in his throat. His stomach feels weird; it’s churning, even though he’s not hungry or scared. He’s glad he’s alone. He probably has a stupid expression on right now. But the thought of there being _something_ , the thought of there being the possibility of a chance, even the slightest, sends his entire being into disarray.

He’s never really considered it before. He’s had fantasies but they’ve never gone beyond that. He’s never taken any of them too seriously, not even when Hinami made the promise to him that they could try and be more. But right now, he feels his mind wandering into a whole new territory. What would he do if maybe– just maybe– Hinami eventually comes to return his feelings?

* * *

It doesn’t really come as a surprise to him when Touka and Kaneki refused to let him and Hinami sleep in the same room. Touka especially seemed really adamant about it. She didn’t even seem happy about the fact that Hinami showed up, though she barely said anything about it. If Ayato hadn’t known any better, he’d have thought that Touka hated her on sight or something, but he doubts that’s the case. It’s likely there’s another reason for his sister’s annoyance. 

That’s how he ended up in his old room– the floor to be particular. Touka had said that Hinami could sleep with her in hers and Kaneki’s bedroom, their father’s old bedroom. Apparently, his uncle was staying over that night so the guest room was taken up and the kid’s room doesn’t really have the space for anyone else, which meant that Kaneki had to bunk with Ayato. Of course, they weren’t going to share a bed. Kaneki had left it to Ayato, but Ayato didn’t know how everyone else would take it if he made Kaneki sleep on the floor. It could go two ways– Touka hits Kaneki on the head for making their guest sleep on the floor or Touka hits Ayato on the head for making Kaneki sleep on the floor after everything Ayato has done.

Touka had gotten him a comfortable pillow and a quilt, but after tossing and turning a couple of times, it was clear he isn’t going to be falling asleep any time soon. He’s still partly conflicted over Hinami’s actions earlier on. She had seemed different, but now that he has some time to ponder over it, maybe he’s thinking too much of everything. Maybe he wasn’t. Maybe Hinami really did feel something for him. Maybe she didn’t. His head hurts as he thinks about everything that had happened all. He had waited so long for her that the thought of her possibly reciprocating his feelings now out of all time feels too surreal.

He gives up trying to sleep after a while and gets up. Maybe he’ll get himself a drink. He hadn’t drunk Kaneki’s tea earlier after all. Some coffee might do him good. Perhaps it’ll calm him down. He still feels a little on edge. It had been a long day and an even longer night. His mind is in a mess and nothing is helping to really clear things up much. He’s made up with his sister (somewhat) and he’s a step towards coming to terms with what had happened, but Hinami’s actions aren’t really helping to soothe him any further.

He leaves the room silently. The house is dark and Ayato’s reminded of times he had snuck out to mess around with his friends back during his high school days. They hadn’t done anything illegal or anything to get into trouble much, but it had been a lot of fun relaxing with them, especially back when his relationship with his father had been so tensed. But thinking about it, it was also after sneaking out on a dark night like this that he had ended up with broken bones in a hospital bed.

Ayato shakes his head. He doesn’t want to think about that again, not now especially. He enters the kitchen silently and switches on the light. It’s easy to locate the equipment for brewing coffee; Touka hadn’t changed anything much in the house. Touka had taught him the basics and he still remembers them. It’s not long before he has some coffee ready.

He’s pouring himself coffee when he hears footsteps behind him. He doesn’t pay much attention to them until he hears them stop behind him.

“You’re awake…”

He glances behind him. Hinami stands a short distance away, dressed in an oversized t-shirt and a pair of shorts. They’re probably Touka’s clothes. He doubts he’s seen Hinami in a pair of shorts before, aside from high school PE lessons. They actually look pretty good on her, though that comes as no surprise to him. Hinami looks good in anything she wears.

“You’re awake too,” he comments, turning back to his coffee.

Hinami comes over to his side and eyes him for a moment before she lets out a soft chuckle. “Coffee at such a time… Really?”

“I can’t sleep.”

“And the coffee is going to help,” Hinami sighs. He takes a sip, flashing her an annoyed look that earns him a soft laugh. As he’s putting the cup down, she reaches for it, placing her hand over his as she brings it to her lips. “I want some too.”

He’s silent as she drinks. He can’t help but look down at her, eyes narrowed slightly as she’s looking at the cup of coffee. Her thin lips part a little, pressed against the edge of the cup. Her hands feel warm over his, fingers hovering above his, almost touching but still not so much.

“It’s nice,” she comments, looking up at him. She doesn’t push the cup away or let go of it. Her hands continue to linger on his. She stares at him in silence for a long moment– or it feels like a long moment to him anyway. Whenever he has those huge brown eyes staring up at him like that, he isn’t exactly able to keep track of time. It could be forever, for all he cares, and he won’t have a problem with it at all. Her eyes are beautiful after all.

Hinami’s expression softens after some time and her hands press down on him a little more. “Are you feeling better now?”

Of course she’ll ask. He’s silent as he thinks of his answer initially. There’s still the heaviness that’s weighing down on him, dragging his heart down and burdening his shoulders. But after reconciling with Touka and holding her as she cries, he had felt a little better. The worry feels more like a void now. He doesn’t really know _what_ he feels. A step closer as he previously had thought, but not quite at the destination yet.

“I… don’t feel as bad as I was before at least,” he admits. She nods at his words, letting her hands drop to her sides. He must have worried her a lot. She did come looking for him in the middle of the night despite the heavy rain after all. He doesn’t really understand why she’d go to such lengths for him, but he feels happy thinking about it, a small, fleeting lightness that appears in the depths of his belly. Not to mention, _that_ happened as well. “I’m sorry I made you worry.”

“Oh, it’s fine,” she replies, shaking her head. “It’s nothing.”

“You ran through the rain like that… I doubt it’s nothing…” he says, with a soft sigh. “Why would you do that?”

“Why?”

“You know… it’s not like I’m _that_ important, right? You’re not in love with me or anything…” He says that without really thinking through it and it’s only after he says it that he realises it’s a dumb statement. It did seem a little inappropriate given everything that happened, though it is something that is burning in his mind. Answers would be nice.

Hinami’s eyes widen and she turns a little red. She chews her lips a little and shakes her head. “I… I thought you were going to kill yourself or something.”

“Ah… then…” He turns away, wanting to say something to her yet not knowing what to say. That explains it, he supposes. He almost feels stupid for thinking that it could be more. “That’s it? Someone else is about to kill themselves so you want to stop it… That sort of thing?”

“No, that’s not all… You’re more than just someone else… Ayato is someone I care about a lot,” she says.

“Care?”

“Yeah… well… You’re really important to me, you’re always there for me more than a lot of my friends are. You’re… you and I will worry about you because I care about you.”

Care, not love. He feels dumb for even hoping. Change? _What bullshit._ It’s the same as she had told him all those weeks ago. He’s important because he’s _him_.

He chugs down the remaining coffee and places the mug in the sink. “We should probably go back to sleep.”

“Are you sleepy?” she asks. “After that coffee?”

“Not really.”

“Then… we can stay here for a bit, right?” she says slowly. “I don’t feel like going to sleep either. It’s awkward sleeping in the same bed as your sister.”

Ayato can relate. He’s sleeping in the same room as Kaneki. Thankfully not on the same bed, but just the thought of being in the same room– sleeping in the same room– with Kaneki just gives him the creeps. He probably shouldn’t be too hard on Kaneki. There really isn’t anything he should hate Kaneki for right now, maybe except for that one time he might have _accidentally_ pushed Ayato in front of an oncoming truck, but other than that, Kaneki had been nice to his irrationally mean and bratty brother-in-law. But accepting Kaneki is one thing and sleeping in the same room is a whole other.

“Yeah, we can stay here for a bit… What do you want to do though?” he asks.

“Nothing in particular,” she murmurs, taking a step closer to him. They’re already so close and now it feels like she’s almost pressing against him. Hinami spins him around to face her completely, wrapping her arms around his neck as she pulls him downwards.

“Hinami,” he sighs, but she silences any further words by pressing her lips against his. She jumps right into it again, pushing her tongue into his mouth and pressing herself against him even more. She rarely kisses him like that, especially not when they’re not in the middle of doing anything. Her touch is desperate as it begins wandering around his body, hands moving down to the hem of the t-shirt he is wearing as they slide under.

“Wanna do it?” she murmurs softly against his lips, fingers stroking the taut muscles of his abdomen. He feels his belly clench, from both her touch and the implication of her words. He pulls away from her slightly, just enough to look at her face. Her eyes are narrowed, looking up at him sultrily, as her thin lips curve into a playfully smirk.

“Now? Here?”

“Yeah… Everyone’s asleep… No one will see…” she says softly.

“Is… everything okay?” he asks. 

“I want to do it with you.” She bites her lips as she mutters the words, turning her head away slightly. “Please? I just want to feel you.”

“I don’t know… I– Hinami?” He lets out a soft moan as Hinami pulls him into another kiss, one hand sliding down to lightly rub his crotch.

“If you don’t want to do it… at least let me do this,” she says. She pulls away from him and drops to her knees. It doesn’t take long before he’s hard from her stroking and Hinami grins victoriously at this. She looks up at him again, eyes silently asking for permission and Ayato relents, nodding slightly. She hooks her fingers at the waistband of his pants, pulling it down along with his boxers. Although he can’t see it, Ayato knows his cheeks are probably flushed. He’s standing in the middle of his sister’s kitchen, with Hinami on the verge of sucking him off. How would Touka react to this if she sees it? Or Kaneki? What if their kid comes in?

“Relax,” she murmurs, beginning to stroke him slowly. He looks down at her and she’s grinning again. She brings her mouth close to his dick, kissing the head lightly, but not doing anything else aside from her continued strokes. With his head pressed against her lips, Ayato aches to push himself in.

“Hinami…” he moans softly. She sticks her tongue out, licking the beaded liquid that’s starting to gather.

“What?”

“Can you…” He pauses, choking out a whimper as she licks his head again, this time twirling her tongue along its circumference. “Can you… take it… Ah!”

She wraps her lips around the tip, sucking lightly. She keeps her attention to the head, while her hand continues moving. Her tongue darts against him in kittish licks and it has his knees shaking, hips buckling at the building pleasure that’s barely enough to satisfy him. He grabs the kitchen counter with one hand as the other fists in her hair, urging her to take more in.

“Hina… Hinami please…”

“Very well.”

A moan that is far too loud escapes him as Hinami takes him in entirely, swallowing around his dick as he’s pushed into her throat. She wastes no time bobbing her head and Ayato thrusts his hips to the same rhythm. Her mouth feels so good– just the right warmth and wetness. He wants to feel it more.

“Hinami…”

She releases his dick, only to continue licking it– the tip, the length, the underside. She presses soft, open-mouthed kisses randomly to the sides, letting her teeth run against him. She’s teasing him. He realises it after a short while when he opens his eyes slightly to see her watching him playfully. He wants more and she knows that. _But she’s just not giving it_.

“Hinami… please…” he groans and she pulls herself away from his dick, only to press soft kisses on his balls. Ayato’s whimpering. He can’t believe he’s making those kinds of sounds, but he is. There’s something about being at her mercy that excites him so much, just like it had done a short while back when they were back in his place. Since when had she been the one to call the shots anyway? Just because he gave her one chance, maybe it’s starting to get to her head.

“Do you want to come?” she asks softly.

“What do you think?” he grumbles.

“If you don’t ask for it, I can’t give it to you,” she says. She licks his ball, before taking them in her mouth and sucking hard. Ayato chokes, doubling forward. His legs are trembling so much that he wonders just how he’s even still standing.

“Hina… fuck… Hinami… Please…”

“Please what?” She moves from his balls, going back to licking his length, almost as if she’s savouring it.

“Let me come… Please…” It didn’t even take that much from Hinami to leave him a begging mess and it this takes him by surprise more than Hinami’s attitude does. He doesn’t get much time to think about it though. Hinami has him in her mouth again, sucking him harder as she moves her head. He feels his tip hit the back of her throat repeatedly as it constricts against him. She swallows around him and the squeeze is just right it leaves him begging for more and more. _Just a little more… Just a little more and–_

She pulls away right as he’s about to fall off the edge. His eyes shoot open as he looks down at her, moving away from him and getting to her feet. Hinami meets his eyes with a cheeky expression, licking her lips in an exaggerated action.

“W-Wha…?”

She’s looking up at him with a cheeky smirk, victoriously. He’s almost annoyed. He was on the edge. He was right about to come. Just… _how dare she_? Ayato’s scowling at her and she raises her fingers to her mouth, licking off the pre-cum that seems to have gotten on them.

“I don’t think it’s fair if you’re the only one who gets to come, right– Ah!” He cuts her off with a rough kiss, pushing her against the counter as his body traps her underneath him perfectly. _This sneaky, sneaky woman._ Ayato pulls away from her lips, moving to her neck as he sucks and nibbles, making sure to leave as many marks as he can. His hand slides under her t-shirt, cupping a breast and squeezing it as hard as he could.

“Still no bra, huh?” he mocks as she lets out a breathless moan. He doesn’t wait too long; she’s made him wait long enough. He’s gonna make this quick– enter her and fill her up as quickly as he can. _Ah,_ he totally fell for her trap, didn’t he?He’s giving her what she wants after all. If that’s the case, then he should make sure he enjoys this as much as he can.

Ayato pulls her off the counter and flips her around, pressing himself against her back and burying his face in the nape of her neck. He kisses her softly as her hands press against the countertop to steady herself. He pulls the shorts off her and tosses it aside, wasting no time before he’s rubbing her hard through the damp cotton fabric of her underwear. Hinami grinds her hips against his finger, arching her back with a loud moan. This is what she wanted, isn’t it? She wanted to do _it_ right? If she wanted it, he’ll give her just what she wants. He pushes her panties aside with his other hand and plunges into her. Hinami cries out, legs buckling as he slams into her while still rubbing her hard with his other hand. He slips his hand under the fabric, rubbing her clit roughly with two fingers. She’s so wet.

“Right there… right there…” she whimpers. “Please Ayato… This feels so good.”

He fucks her faster, finger pressing against the bundle of nerves even harder. She’s dragged to her climax far too easily and Ayato smirks as she rides it out, moaning his name. But he hasn’t come yet and if Hinami’s words meant anything, he needs to as well or it won’t be fair. He nips her lightly on her shoulder before he pulls out of her, flipping her around to lift her onto the kitchen counter. Hinami slumps backwards, watching him with hazy, narrowed eyes. She seems to get the idea though as she spreads her legs slightly as he watches her.

“Come on,” she urges amidst her deep breaths.

He reaches for her panties and pulls them down in a swift movement, only bothering to unhook one leg and leaving it gathered at her left knee. He pushes her legs up, resting them on his shoulders before pushing into her again. Her hand moves to the back of his head, grabbing a fistful of his hair. She buries her face in the crook of his neck, kissing him lightly. It dawns on him that she’s practically hugging him, even as he continues to pound into her repeatedly, and that her touches and kisses right now were gentle and soft. A hard thrust to her weak spot has her clenching completely around him. She’s so warm; he fits in her so nicely, so perfectly.

He’s bitter. He wishes she is his.

“Ayato… Oh god, Ayato,” she moans against his neck.

“I’m gonna come…” he chokes out and she presses herself harder against him, hugging him tighter. He picks up his pace. He’s already going so fast and hard, but he drives into her with whatever strength he has in him. Hinami cries out strangled moans, her voice fading to mere choked gasps, almost void of any sound.

“Ah-A… Aya…to” He can barely make out his name as she comes again, squeezing onto him so hard he almost comes right there. But he lets her ride it out first, slowing his pace a little until she’s left as a writhing heap under him before picking up his pace and ramming into her again. He finishes deep into her with a soft groan, letting himself collapse against her. He’s barely able to pull himself out of her and he feels some liquid drip out along with his dick.

“Fuck… I came so much…”

“You made a mess,” she complains softly, still panting as she tries to regain her breath. Ayato raises his head to look at her and Hinami pouts at him in response. She hesitates for a while, reddening as he watches her before she speaks. “You should… clean it up.”

“Huh?”

“Since you made a mess… you should clean it up…” she says. “I borrowed your sister’s shorts, I don’t want to dirty them too much.”

 _Excuses._ But despite knowing that Hinami wasn’t being too sincere about the shorts, Ayato finds himself obliging as he slowly drops to his knees, adjusting his pants in the process. It feels a little weird. Hinami doesn’t really initiate anything much normally. But right now, just like a few hours ago, she seemed so desperate to feel and be close to him. Her touches never ceased and it felt like she’s constantly pulling him back, holding him tightly so as to prolong whatever they had.

He leans his head forward, sticking his tongue out and prodding her a little. He tastes both of them, the taste a strange union of both of their juices. It tastes good. The heavy scent of her arousal overwhelms him and he feels his mind fall back into the gutter. His pants are starting to get uncomfortable again. But all this simply makes him all the more eager to dive right into eating her out and when he sees the hints of white liquid dripping out of her slit, he loses it entirely He’s right by her fold, merely inches away, when he hears the clearing of a throat behind him.

“Just what are the two of you doing in _my_ kitchen?”

 _Touka_ …

Ayato glances behind, the voice killing any hints of arousal that was starting to surface in him. Touka stands at the entrance of the kitchen, dressed in a nightgown, with her arms crossed. Her hair’s in a mess and her eyes are still swollen from sleep, but she clearly is awake enough to kick his ass all the way to Hell and back.

“Sis?”

Hinami shrieks at the side, pushing him off and jumping off the counter. She stands awkwardly before Touka, forcefully trying to pull the t-shirt downwards. “T-Touka… I… This is…”

“Just one night and you two can’t keep your hands off each other,” Touka sighs, shaking her head.

“I’m sorry…” Hinami murmurs. Ayato looks over at her. She looks completely miserable and Ayato wonders if she’s blaming herself. It was her idea after all. Of course, he wouldn’t blame her for it. It’s not like he had any self-control when he pushed her onto that counter.

“It’s fine,” Touka says, musing over her words a little. “Guess I should have let the two of you sleep in Ayato’s old room or something.”

“I…”

“Go to sleep, Hina,” Touka sighs, walking over and flicking her forehead a little. “There’s something I want to talk to Ayato about so I appreciate if we could have some privacy.”

“Of course… I’m… really sorry about all this,” she says in a soft voice. She glances around the kitchen and goes to pick off her pair of shorts, pulling them on hastily before she runs out of the kitchen. She didn’t say anything to him, leaving without even passing him a glance. She must be so embarrassed.

“Now as for you,” Touka sighs. He turns to her and sees her opening one of the drawers, pulling out a spray bottle and a cloth. She holds it out to him. “Please clean the countertop.”

“What?”

“This is the kitchen, Ayato. I’d rather you clean it after your little lovemaking session with your cute girlfriend over there,” Touka instructs. “It’s what Kaneki always does whenever we do it so don’t worry too much about it.”

“Huh?”

“What?”

Ayato frowns, replaying his sister’s words in his mind. “Whenever you do it…?”

“Yes. Kaneki. My husband. And me,” she says, punctuating her words playfully. “What? You think we’ve never done it on the kitchen counter before?”

That is one image he clearly did not need in his mind. “Sis, I didn’t need to know that.”

“And I didn’t need to see my little brother’s head buried in the thighs of the girl who’s in love with my husband, but we don’t really get what we want, do we?”

“You knew?”

Touka furrows her brows. “It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? I can tell when someone has a thing for my man and I can tell when someone’s sleeping with my brother. I pretty much figured her out from the very beginning.”

Ayato turns away from her, turning his attention to cleaning the countertop as she had instructed him to do. He feels her eyes on him and he knows she waiting for a response from him, an explanation in particular. But he doesn’t really know what to say, especially not since he himself has no idea what goes on in Hinami’s mind lately, especially not the past few hours.

“Ayato,” she says seriously and he gives her a brief glance before turning his attention back to wiping the counter. “You don’t have to wipe it that much– god, look at me.”

He does, hands dropping to his sides as he turns his head. “What?”

“What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing.”

“That’s bullshit and you know that,” Touka snapped. “Why are you letting her use you like that?”

“I’m not letting her use me–”

“She doesn’t love you, does she?”

“No but…” he pauses, hesitating as he wonders if he can even try to make Touka understand. Touka’s always been lucky when it comes to romance. She nailed the right guy from her first relationship and the only reason why she hadn’t had a relationship till then was because she wasn’t interested in anyone. The first time she found someone and she got him easily. Ayato can’t help but feel jealous. He’s had many girls fall for him and confess to him as well, but ever since high school, Hinami was truly the only one he wanted. “I… love her…”

“So?”

“So…?”

“I know you love her. It’s written all over your shitty face,” Touka sighs. “So you’re gonna let her use you like that? As some kind of replacement?”

“I’m not… a replacement… She sees me for who I am.”

“Then, a second choice. You fine with that?” Touka challenges.

_No._

“It’s… not like that at all!” Ayato doesn’t even know why he bothers arguing. This is totally the case, he knows that as well as– no, maybe even better– than Touka does.

“She doesn’t like you, Ayato,” Touka sighs, “and I am pretty sure it’s not you who’s using her right now.”

“She does care about me…” he argues back weakly. “I mean, she came here. She was worried about me.”

“She thought you were going to kill yourself. How is that anything special?”

“How long were you out there–”

“That’s not the point. Answer my question right now. You know this isn’t healthy at all. I can tell from your face that it hurts you more than it helps so why are you doing it?” Touka cuts in. He remains silent, wondering just what he can say to get her to shut up. He doesn’t want to talk about it, simply because he knows that there’s no way he can justify himself to his sister. It’s easy pretending to himself that it’s all good even when he’s getting hurt, but what Touka has seen through everything, there’s nothing he can say that will get her off his case.

“Sis… I…” He tries to speak, but as he thought, he can’t bring himself to say anything.

“Were you lonely?” Touka asks slowly.

He feels his eyes go wide. “No, I wasn’t!”

“You were lonely, right? That’s it, isn’t it?” she challenges. His heart sinks. God, this sounds _so_ pathetic. Touka furrows her brows and takes a step towards him. “You were alone after you left home and Hinami helped you ease that loneliness, didn’t she?”

“That’s… not it at all.” He tries to argue but Touka is unflinching.

She smirks up at him in response, crossing her arms. “That is totally it, isn’t it? You didn’t have anyone else after you left home so you just clung on to her, didn’t you?”

“That’s not it at all! I tried to end things but it just didn’t happen.”

“Why not?”

“She said… I don’t know, it seemed like she was giving me a chance,” he grumbles.

“Because you were lonely, you let her use you however you like but when it starts getting tiring, you tried to break it off, except just one or two words she said gave you false hope so you got too carried away. But did anything change?”

“She lets me kiss her…”

“She didn’t use to?”

“No.”

Touka blinks, her eyes wide in shock. “Unbelievable. I thought I don’t really recognize my brother anymore and you know what? I’m right. I really don’t recognize you at all,” she snaps. “Did anything else change aside from being more intimate or something?”

“There isn’t anything–”

“Have you ever been honest about yourself to Hinami? Does she know everything that happened before you guys got together? She seemed really shocked when she realised I’m your sister,” Touka points out. “You didn’t tell her that the person she’s actually in love with is your brother-in-law, did you?”

“No…”

“Does she know why you left home?”

“No.”

“Does she know what Kaneki did to you?”

“What? Why does she need to know–”

“While she’s sleeping with you, does she have a single idea what the person she’s in love with did to you?”

“It’s an accident–”

“I know it’s an accident, Ayato,” Touka cuts in again sternly. Of course she does. It’s why she probably can still stand both of them at the same time. It’s ridiculous that he even brought it up with her.

“Why does Hinami need to know all that?” he asks weakly. Touka eyes him with a raised eyebrow– _you know why_. He lightly bites his bottom lip. She is right. He knows why. He’s not even maintaining a decent friendship with her by keeping everything to himself, especially not when she tells him everything about herself.

Hinami doesn’t know a single thing about him.

“When Hinami and I started sleeping together, it felt really nice,” he admits. “I had a crush on her for as long as I remember but when she did _that_ for me back in high school, I think I fell in love. So when she came to me I agreed, even though she had all those restrictions. But after a while, it got tiring and really messy. She’d stop everything all of a sudden but show up again a short while later. I think she started feeling terrible about it as well. At some point, she found out Kaneki is married. After that, we were supposed to try something else. She said we’ll take it slow. That was about a year ago and we’ve made no progress.”

There’s barely any change in Touka’s expression as she listens to him. She remains silent, contemplating his words before she sighs. Touka reaches for him, resting her hands on his shoulders and rubbing him lightly. “You’re not alone anymore. We’re together now. You don’t have to do this anymore. End things with her.”

“But–”

“Listen to me,” Touka cuts in. “You’re tired too, aren’t you? It’s nice to be there for Hinami, but you need to look out for yourself too. Please Ayato, just listen to me for once and end this. It’s for your own good.”

He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know how to react. He realises he’s not as quick to rebuke anymore and he finds himself going over her words. Maybe there’s some truth in what Touka is saying as well.

“I’ll think about it.”

* * *

Hinami is way too embarrassed to really fall asleep, but she wants to do it before Touka shows up. Touka had caught them in the kitchen. She had seen Hinami in such an embarrassing position. It must have been so awkward for Touka to see her own brother eating someone out like that and it’s all her fault. She should have stopped after they came, but somehow it hadn’t been enough. She just wants to feel him more and more; she can’t stop herself from reaching for him.

She’s never felt this way before. She’s right. Something had changed, but it felt so sudden that it feels insincere. Is she really like this just from the fear of losing him? Is she acting like that simply because she’s afraid he might leave her as well one day? It’s a thought that had never crossed her mind before. Ayato is supposed to always be there. He’s never supposed to be gone. He’s always there, even when she was fickle about their relationship. There’s no reason for him to leave her now, not when they’re more serious about their relationship, even if it is one she doesn’t have a name for.

She knows he’s waiting. She knows he wants to know what exactly it is that they have. He’s not her boyfriend, but he’s also a lot more than a simple friend with benefits. It isn’t just sex, it’s more. It’s not just lust, but does this mean it’s love then? Hinami turns to lie on her back with a cry of exasperation. Touka still hasn’t appeared. She wonders what the siblings are talking about outside. It clearly is taking some time. But it’s giving her some time to herself now, some time to think about what had happened and what keeps happening.

She hears footsteps outside and she turns to her side, back to the door. She listens, eyes closed, as the door opens and someone walks in before the door closes shut behind them. They’re silent as they walk over and climbs into bed, but they move closer to her and the moment she feels a fingertip brush against her arm, she knows that it’s not Touka’s hand.

She opens her eyes and turns to look. Ayato’s looking down at her, a blank expression on his face. “You’re awake.”

“Why are you here?” she murmurs softly. She sits up slightly, winding her arms around him. She still wants to touch him more. Their eyes are fixed on each other and Hinami feels warm. His expression is soft. In the darkness of the room with merely the dim moonlight from the window giving her enough light to see him, she doesn’t think he had ever looked more beautiful.

“Touka said we should sleep together instead,” he says. “I think she gave up keeping us apart.”

“We wouldn’t have done it in the kitchen if we were let to sleep in the same room,” she laughs softly. “What did the two of you talk about?”

He blinks and she swears she sees a flash of seriousness in his eyes. It is gone far too quickly, but she’s sure she saw it and she’s also sure that it was a scary expression.

“It’s nothing,” he says, his voice gruff.

“Really?”

“She asked me to clean the counter. That’s all.”

 _Oh, thank god._ Hinami lets herself calm down. “Then… do you… want to continue where we let off?” she asks.

Ayato’s eyes go round. “What?”

“No… I…” She hesitates, flushing as she turns away. “You were in the middle of… you know…”

He glances down at her and she sees him nibble lightly on his lip before he turns to her again, brows furrowed. “Is there anything wrong? You’ve been very into it tonight.”

He noticed it as well apparently. She’d have been more embarrassed about it, but Ayato’s hand is reaching towards her shorts. He presses against her crotch lightly, massaging it softly. She closes her eyes and relaxes, choosing to focus on his fingers. But it’s just not enough. She wants _more_.

“Ayato… can you…”

“Can I what?” She opens her eyes, fully intending to fume at his teases, but when she does look at him, he doesn’t look like he was joking at all. He looked serious, at a lost and almost distracted, even. She blinks, slight worry surfacing in her again. Maybe he noticed that as well as his eyes widen slightly before he leans forward, pressing his lips to hers.

He kisses her gently, soft and chaste. There’s no hunger in this, just sweetness. He’s gentler than he was just now, but even then, it makes her giddy. A fleeting thought surfaces in her mind. _Maybe it’s okay, even if it’s just this._ She loves the feeling of his lips against hers. He tastes like the coffee from before. His lips are a little chapped, but still a little damp, maybe from the kisses just now.

Even when he’s limiting himself, she finds herself pushing through. She wants more. No matter how much she feels and touches him, it doesn’t feel enough at all. There’s something missing, something that she so desperately wants to experience with him. But what exactly is it she’s at a complete loss.

 _What is this feeling?_ She’s sure she’s felt it before, but she doesn’t think Ayato’s made her feel like that before.

He pushes her down onto the bed and crawls over her. He withdraws his hand from between her legs and Hinami doubts she’s ever felt this empty before. She wants him to continue touching her; she wants to feel him more. Even as she’s shifting her hips awkwardly, Ayato doesn’t seem to pay much attention to it. He flashes her a weak smile and brings a hand to her face, pushing her bangs out of her face and lightly stroking her cheek.

“I love you, Hinami,” he murmurs.

 _Love…_ She wonders if it really is love that she’s feeling. It’s different from how she had always felt around Kaneki. Watching Kaneki had always made her feel small, a shy timid girl who can only watch from afar with burning cheeks and delusional fantasies. But with Ayato, she’s bolder, braver. She feels a fire burning within her that is only quenched by his touch, a desperate, deeper, darker desire that pushes past boundaries she never noticed she had been respecting. The intensity of the feelings felt similar, but both in very different ways.

Love or not, no one has made her feel the same way as he does.

“I know…” she says, swallowing for force a lump down her throat. She sounds like a croaking frog. “I’m… blessed… that someone like you will ever fall for me. I’m really thankful. I don’t know how I can repay you.” She was rambling. That made no sense at all. The truth is, she didn’t know how to respond and she simply said the first thing that came to mind, only to regret it right as she spoke it. It sounds so ridiculous and dumb.

“Repay me? You know what I want,” he says slowly. “But it’s something I’m never going to get, right?”

He wants her. He’s always wanted her. No matter how he might try to pretend not to care, she knows it’s what his aching for so badly. Perhaps, it’s not as unachievable as he thinks.

“I…” She nibbles her lip, wondering what she should say. Ayato watches her and lets out a soft sigh, crawling off her and moving away to sit at the edge of the bed. _Too far…_ She feels empty again.

“The truth is, Touka and I talked about something else as well,” he admits, right as she’s about to crawl over and wrap her arms around his shoulder, perhaps even removing his top and pressing a kiss to the distinct muscles of his back– _that would be nice…_ But she doesn’t move. She remains still, listening. “We argued about it for awhile, but now I think she’s right… I agree with her. This is what I should do.”

“What are you talking about?”

He’s silent again. This time, it’s longer. The silence drags on till it’s deafening. She crawls over to him now, pressing her body against his. Her arms wind around his waist, forehead resting between his shoulder blades. He still doesn’t respond for a while and Hinami feels her stomach knot up. She knows something’s wrong now, but she wonders if she should pry.

“Ayato?”

He shakes his head and starts to pull her hands apart, pushing her off him. He gets up, turning around to look down at her as she sits on the bed, staring at him in confusion.

“Ayato? What’s going on? You’re scaring me a little.”

His eyes are hard and emotionless– dead. She recognizes this look really quickly. It’s the look he has when he was on his knees in the store. It’s the look he had in the shower before she promised they could start over. It’s the look he had in the alley after they fought. It’s the eyes of a dead man, but a kind that’s different from earlier that night. This one isn’t regretting anything; this one is just exhausted.

_Something is wrong._

“Ayato! What is it?”

He presses his lips into a thin smile and laughs a dry, flat laugh. “Let’s end this.”

“End what?”

“All of this. Whatever we are. This weird relationship, the sleeping together– all of it.”

She’d be upset if she isn’t too confused right at this moment. Hinami furrows her brows, reaching for him, only for him to take a few steps back. Her mind tries to piece everything together. He’s pushing her away, avoiding her. He’s trying to end their relationship. He wants to end everything.

_Oh._

“You’re breaking up with me?” she asks dumbly. She almost can’t believe this. Ayato loves her, doesn’t he? Why would he do this? It has to be some kind of joke.

He starts laughing initially and Hinami sighs in relief. It really does seem like a joke. He must have been messing with her and he was successful. Her heart is beating so fast and her breath had gotten caught in her throat. She can’t even envision a break-up; she doesn’t want to. But as his laugh fades off, so does her relief. His amusement morphs into a sinister smirk as he shakes his head, like a villain looking down on his unsuspecting victim. There’s something so dark and horrid in the look that Hinami wonder if this really is Ayato.

“God, Hina,” he scoffs, his tone mocking yet flat. “How can we break up when we never had anything going on in the first place?”

He’s serious. He’s dead serious. Hinami can’t find the words to respond at all. This is different from all their previous breaks. Those were her own fickle whims and fancies which he had followed and tolerated. But Ayato is more serious than she can ever hope to be; his eyes aren’t lying to her at all. She’s left to watch helplessly as he leaves the room, saying something about sleeping in the living room. She doesn’t know what exactly he’s saying. She can barely hear or understand him.

He wants to leave her. He wants to end things.

She’s going to lose him.

She wishes he had given some explanation. Maybe she should run after him and argue back, or at least say something. But she doesn’t find the strength in her to go after him. All she does is sit there and stare at the door out of which he had just left, with nothing but her own thoughts to keep her company.

_He doesn’t want me anymore._


	9. Chapter 9

He tries his best. He knows he needs to forget. It’s why they ended things, why he started visiting his sister more and why right now, there’s a head of black hair beside him in bed instead of the brown he had gotten so used to seeing. Ayato sighs and turns to face the other side, pulling his hands away from her. It feels weird. He knows it’s been only a month and jumping headfirst into a relationship isn’t the best idea, but he simply got caught up in the flow. A couple of days after he ended things with Hinami, he bumped into one of the girls he had brought home from the strip club the other night. It had been awkward initially and she had been pretty annoyed that he brought her back despite having a girlfriend already but somehow, they decided to have lunch together and he told her what happened between Hinami and him. He left out many details so all she knew was that they shared a physical relationship, but it hadn’t worked out and they’ve ended things.

Her name is Oohashi and she is a graduate student at his university. She’s older than him, but he decided that he didn’t mind it too much. When she knew Hinami and him weren’t together anymore, she jumped at the chance– it seemed she was actually pretty interested in him.

He doesn’t know what made him say yes. After lunch, he brought her back home and fucked her a couple of times. A week after, they started dating. He kept it a secret, of course, even from Touka. Oohashi might have told her friends about it but that doesn’t concern him. He doesn’t think anyone needs to know anything about it right now.

Especially not when he himself feels so disgusted by it. After they do it– every fucking time– it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. He feels bad, but he doesn’t want to think too much about it. He knows why and he knows how he can deal with it, but he just doesn’t want to. He knows he doesn’t love her; she might not love him yet, but she might one day. She’s attracted to him but he can’t return the sentiment. He’s too busy thinking about how it’ll be nicer if her hair is shorter, if she dyes it brown, if her voice is a little bit higher, or if her dressing is more conservative. He knows he’s still clinging on to _her_ , that he’s only with Oohashi simply to ease the emptiness he feels now that he can’t have her anymore.

He feels like shit.

He doesn’t think he’s going to be able to go back to sleep. Careful not to wake the girl beside him, he gets up. He might as well take a shower and get ready for work. He also needs to prepare for class since he didn’t get anything done the previous night.

He heads to the bathroom and gets into the shower. Hinami’s things are still there– her shampoo, lotion and other products she had named before but he can’t remember anymore. He had told Oohashi that she could use them, but he doesn’t recall her ever doing so. She doesn’t smell like Hinami at all. It’s a pity since he likes Hinami’s smell the most.

He shakes his head. He’s doing it again— he’s thinking about her and comparing them again. She’s in his head again. It’s always like that. He can’t get over her even though it’s him who ended things. He can’t forget her and god, he can’t stop loving her even in his wildest dreams.

He picks up the bottle of her shampoo and pours some onto his palm. It smells just the way he had remembered her hair did– like flowers, a mixture of them. Hinami had always liked flowers anyway. They suited her as well— gentle, soft, beautiful and bringing joy to the people around her. He supposes she has hurt him before, but now that they’re apart, he can’t really recall the bad that much. He only remembers the good– the fun times, the moment he fell in love, the times they laughed, the teasings, the jokes, the special times and the comfort she had given him.

He’s standing in the same shower that she had promised to make things different, where she had told him that she wanted to move on and to try to fall in love with him. Back then, he had been happy to hear it. He found hope again, like he truly had a chance. He doesn’t know if anything truly changed in her. He felt like it did but yet he felt like it didn’t as well. He will never know the answer to that question, but he supposes it’s a good memory too– that she tried, at least. Perhaps her promise was a simple empty response to his outburst as he had fucked her against the very wall he’s staring at, but he likes to imagine that it was more.

It had felt good when they did it in the shower. It’s a pity they never did it again with both of them naked. His wet clothes had been a bother then. He wonders how it would have felt if they actually had done it. It doesn’t require much imagination for him to form the image of it. He knows how she looks and feels in the shower; he just has to pretend she’s there– pulling him, holding him, touching him and kissing him.

His hand has a mind of its own, moving down to his dick as he starts to stroke it. There’s still her shampoo on his palms and it does help with the lubrication– not that he needs any since he’s already unbearably hard and he’s under the shower. But the coolness of the shampoo, contrasted with the heat of the water, makes him shudder a little from his movements. He brings the other hand to his mouth. He wants to stay silent, he doesn’t want to wake Oohashi up, especially not from jacking off at the thought of his ex.

 _No, she’s not an ex._ He has to keep telling himself that. They never had anything. They were never dating. He didn’t break up with her. Hinami isn’t his ex at all.

He continues moving his hands, remember what it felt like to be inside Hinami, as he conjures up the fantasy of her holding him tightly in the shower, running her hands down his wet back, raking her nails down it in that very way he loved so much. It doesn’t take him long before he comes. He hadn’t come so fast in a long time and he knows it’s not because he hadn’t been having sex– he had been doing it almost every night.

But he supposes he is starved. He’s starved for _her_ touch. He might be able to find any random person and bring them to bed but no one is going to give him the satisfaction he got from Hinami. Because try as he might, he can’t forget her and he’s still just as obsessed.

Oohashi might be his girlfriend now, but somehow, he just knows he will never fall for her, not when Hinami is still around, not when he still remembers everything that Hinami had done for him, not when he’s still so madly in love with Hinami.

He misses her so much.

Touka was right. It wasn’t healthy that he had let Hinami used him as a substitute for someone else. But before he realised it, he had started using someone else the same way.

* * *

Ayato does a good job at pretending she doesn’t exist for the next month. Hinami doesn’t know how to take it. It hurts her far more than she expected it to. Every time they lock eyes, he turns away immediately. She always walks into that one class they had together expecting him to sit in his usual seat, only for him to turn away from her to sit with Naki and his friends instead.

He hasn’t talked to her at all. He hasn’t asked her about the keys to his apartment, or her things that are probably still there. She wonders if he has changed the locks or if he has thrown away all her things. The thought makes her want to cry. She has some of her favourite outfits with him, but more so than that, the thought of her meaning nothing to him anymore, that he just discarded her just like that, makes her feel weak, used and unwanted.

She knows better than to cling to it, she has to move on. Yet it’s far too hard for her to do so, not when every little thing makes her think of him. It’s like life itself is rubbing him in her face. She normally doesn’t see him around in school as much as she does now. They only have one class together and that’s the only time she used to meet him, but now, in every corner she goes, he is there.

Maybe hanging out with his friends is his method of moving on and forgetting her. Unfortunately, Naki and his group lived in the college’s dorms, which means she runs into Ayato even when she’s going back to her own room. Miza’s room is right next to hers and whenever they choose to hang out in her place, Hinami can hear them through the thin walls. She hears him talking, laughing and having fun, showing no hints of remorse over their break up at all.

It’s like he had forgotten her completely and it makes no sense to Hinami, not when he had sworn to her countless times that his love for her is real, deep and true. It feels fickle now– a laughing matter. She feels like a joke. Maybe it was all a joke. Maybe she was right at that time and this was really all about the sex. Just thinking about it feels like Ayato had ripped her heart out of her chest.

_It actually hurts._

It hurts so much that as she listens to him with Miza, Naki and all their friends laughing and joking in the next room, all she can do is curl up in bed and cry.

_I thought you cared about me. I thought I am important to you. I thought you wanted me._

_I thought you love me._

Maybe it’s karma. She had hurt him and used him… but he had been willing, hadn’t he? It was all his idea after all– _use me to forget the pain._ She wants to scream. She wants to slap him, to shove all the facts right before him. _It was you. It was your idea. You started this. You said it will be okay. It was all you._

She wants to hate him so much. But she can’t, not when he is the person she wishes is beside her right now. She wants to cry and scream and she had never felt safer doing this in anywhere but his arms. She’s never trusted anyone but him with her sorrows.

For the first time in her life since she knew him, this month is probably the longest she had gone with barely thinking about Kaneki. All she knows is Ayato. Her emotions are all over the place and she has no control over them; one moment she’s wishing Ayato is better off without her and in the next, she’s cursing him to eternal despair. She knows he has all the rights to end things with her, but seeing him act as if nothing had happened hurts her to no ends.

It’s painful– _it’s so so so painful_.

* * *

“Hinami. Hinami? Hinamiiiiii!”

Hinami blinks. Someone is waving a hand in front of her. Someone is calling her name from beside her. It sounds like the voice of a girl. Hinami turns her head and she sees Tomoe frowning at her.

“Oh, you’re alive now,” she scoffs, crossing her arms. “The lecture ended five minutes ago. How long are you going to sit there staring into space?”

 _Lecture… Five minutes ago…_ Hinami blinks at her and turns to look in front of her again. She is in a lecture theatre and the Professor is long gone. _Oh._ The Professor is gone. The lecture has ended. She glances down at her notes. She had only taken down what was probably the first fifteen minutes of a two-hour long lecture, out of which ten minutes had probably been the recap of the previous week.

“I’m dead,” she groans, slamming her notebook shut.

“Yeah, that’s like the third time this week. The eighth time this month,” Tomoe says. “Spit it out. What happened?”

“Nothing happened,” Hinami sighs. She starts packing her things, trying her best to ignore the way her friend is glaring at her. “I’m tired. I didn’t get much sleep last night. Miza had a drinking party with everyone next door last night and it was too noisy to sleep.”

“Miza’s parties never bothered you much,” Tomoe says.

“They did.”

“Miza has parties ever since we were freshmen and you never bothered much about them back then. So why now?”

“Who knows?”

“Is it because A–”

“It’s not because Ayato’s there as well,” Hinami cuts in hurriedly, almost dropping her pen in the midst of her flustered response. “She was just… extra loud last night.”

Hinami gets up and starts walking out, with Tomoe following behind her and catching up to her side. They’re silent for a long moment. It’s only when they’re almost at the canteen that Tomoe speaks up again. “I didn’t say Ayato just now, you know.”

“You were going to say his name, I know–” Hinami pauses, her eyes going wide at the sight before her. _Speak of the Devil…_ He’s there, standing a short distance away, talking to someone. He seems happy and really into whatever he was discussing with the other person. It takes Hinami a moment to recognize the other person as Rio, the vice-captain of their high school soccer team back when Ayato was the captain. Hinami continues watching them, not realising that she has come to a complete stop. Her hand grips the strap of her bag tightly. She can’t tear her eyes off them.

Ayato still looks so _happy_.

“Oh did you know the rumours from high school?” Tomoe asks casually. Hinami turns to her, confused, and she grins. “Oh, nothing, just that some people were very sure they were fucking.”

“What?” Her voice ends up louder than she means it to and she’s sure that those around her are giving her strange looks. She immediately looks back at Ayato. It doesn’t seem like he noticed. _Thank god_.

“What do you mean some people were very sure they were fucking?” Hinami hisses in a whispered voice, grabbing Tomoe by the arm and pulling her closer.

“I don’t know. It was just some rumour I heard. People were wondering why Ayato was single the whole time in high school and it was one of the stuff they came up with… probably.”

“He wasn’t single the whole time. He had girlfriends. He wasn’t serious about it but he had some. And they were girls. Not… not Rio.”

“Yeah, you’d know that, not me,” Tomoe sighs. “If I hadn’t known any better, I’d have thought you’re jealous of Rio–”

“I am not,” Hinami interrupts. “I can’t care any less about him.”

“Rio mentioned once when he was drunk that he’d take on the Kirishima name any day.”

“ _What_?”

“So I guess that means Rio is competition now.”

“He is _not._ ”

“Come on, Hinami. When are you going to be honest with me about it? What’s the deal between you and Ayato?” Tomoe sounds annoyed. She watches Hinami, sliding a hand into the pocket of her jeans as she waits for an answer.

“There is nothing between us,” Hinami says. They’ve had this conversation so many times and till now, she can’t find it in herself to be honest to Tomoe, or to anyone for that matter. Tomoe clearly doesn’t believe her but she shrugs and turns away.

“Well, whatever. I’m gonna go for kendo practice right now so I’d see you when I see you,” she says, throwing her words over her shoulders as she leaves. Hinami utters a brief farewell, before she turns her attention back at Ayato, only for their eyes to meet. It’s too brief for her to be sure of anything. She doesn’t know if he was watching her when she had been talking to Tomoe or if he had been looking around only to coincidentally make eye contact with her. Either way, he looked away immediately afterwards so it’s clear he plans to continue with his invisible Hinami act. The thought pisses her off and it only annoys her more when she realises that she needed to go past him to get to her favourite store. She’s not giving him the satisfaction of knowing that she’s walking past him with the full knowledge that he’s pretending not to see her. She turns around and walks off. Convenience store food would have to do.

It is ironic, however, that there’s nothing convenient about the convenience store nearest to her college. She has to walk quite a distance away to get to it. She wouldn’t have bothered much, but the fact that she has to walk past a certain familiar apartment complex has her nerves all on edge. She knows there’s a low chance of her bumping into Ayato on her way there. He was still talking to Rio when she left after all. But what would she do if she ran into him on the way back? What if he is with Rio when she bumps into him again? The image of them together makes her blood boil as Tomoe’s words resurface in her mind.

The risk is still worth it; it’s so much better than walking past Ayato in that canteen. This is the lesser of the two evils so she decides to take it. But when she reaches said apartment complex, she stops, staring at the empty driveway before her. The last time she had been there was on that stormy night when she ran around town almost naked trying to look for him. She remembers standing in the middle of the driveway, looking up to the rooftop, squinting her eyes desperately to see. She’s never been through anything as scary as that night, worrying if she might lose someone again, knowing that she had the power to stop it but might be too late. Nothing bad happened that night, not in that sense, and she had never been more relieved in her life than when she saw Ayato in his sister’s place again.

She wonders again why she did so much for him that night– that day, even. That day had gone by so fast. So many things happened that it’s still so hard to wrap her head around the fact it all happened in one day. On that day, she found herself reaching so desperately for him and on that same day, he decided to pull away. It was a first– a very painful first. Did she really do all that for him just for him to throw her away mere hours later?

“Hinami?”

Hinami blinks as she hears someone call her name. Tears fall out of her eyes as she does so and she quickly wipes them away with the back of her hand. She’s being an idiot, crying over the same thing again. She doesn’t want anyone to see her crying over Ayato out of all people.

“Hinami, is that you?” the same voice calls out. _Oh no._ She recognizes that voice. She really didn’t want to be caught, especially not at this point in time and by _that person_. Still, she can’t run away. She turns to the person and forces out a smile.

Kirishima Touka looks different from the last time they met. She looks more like how she did when Hinami first met her– curly light blue hair, a little makeup and a gentle smile. Well, Touka must be pretty happy right now. Even if it’s not the best of times, things are getting better for her. She’s walking towards Ayato’s apartment complex so Hinami can only assume she must be going to meet him. It’s good to see the siblings on good terms at least.

“What are you doing here?” Touka asks. Her eyes narrow suspiciously and she glances behind Hinami, at the apartment complex. A vague memory surfaces– it had been Touka who asked Ayato to break up with her, hadn’t it? Touka must still be looking out for her brother.

“Nothing much. I was just passing by,” Hinami says. “What are you doing here, Touka?”

“I’m here to visit my brother, of course.”

“He’s not at home though. I saw him hanging out with a friend in school when I left,” Hinami says. She doesn’t know why she chose to inform Touka. She should have just left it be. But Touka’s eyes widen a bit and she gives a sheepish smile.

“Well, I guess a surprise visit is a bad idea after all,” she laughs flatly.

“I’ll leave now. I want to grab some lunch.” Hinami gives a short bow to Touka before she starts walking off, only for Touka to call out to her again. “If it’s lunch you want, why not grab something together? We could use a little girl time. I’ve never had the chance to talk to you alone before.”

That is weird. Hinami had all along been sure Touka hates her or something. Why else would she ask Ayato to leave her anyway? It was her who put the idea into his head in the first place. The lunch offer comes as a surprise, but Hinami has no idea how she should turn it down. Without being able to say anything else, Hinami simply shrugs.

“Sure… it sounds… great.”

* * *

Touka’s taste is a lot like her brother. Hinami comes to the conclusion the moment they dropped by a small restaurant and Touka places her order. She avoided dishes with too much vegetables and stuck mostly to meat. It didn’t seem like eating healthily is a concern either of them had, though Hinami had to wonder how they keep so healthy nonetheless.

“What is it?” Touka asks. “You’ve been staring at me pretty weirdly.”

“Oh, no, it’s nothing.”

“That expression doesn’t look like nothing,” Touka admits.

“You just… remind me of Ayato from your order. He never orders healthy food as well,” Hinami muses. “He doesn’t take care of his diet at all.”

“Well he used to, back when he played soccer,” Touka says. “He was so serious about it that it was ridiculous. I’ve never seen him so dedicated to something. He really did enjoy himself. Our father didn’t really understand though.”

“Your father?” Hinami murmurs, picking up some of her noodles with her chopsticks. The food is still too hot to eat but Hinami doesn’t mind too much. She’s quite interested in what Touka has to say right now. Ayato barely talked about himself. This is a chance to get to know more about him. She wants to slap herself the moment the thought comes. They’ve already gone their separate ways, so what’s the use of knowing more about him? She should have asked him this way back in the beginning. Maybe if she showed a little more interest in him, he might not have left.

Or maybe it wouldn’t have mattered a lot since she probably was discardable to him.

“My father wanted Ayato to do well in his studies and make it into a good university. Well, Ayato made it to Dad’s first choice, but Dad wasn’t there to see it anymore. What happened when he was in high school… The shock of it was too much for his heart apparently,” Touka sighs.

“What happened…? If you don’t mind me asking.” Hinami watches as Touka’s expression morphs to a more serious one. She stares at Hinami for a moment before she places her fork and spoon onto the table, clasping her hands together.

For a moment, Hinami wonders if she should change the topic and not delve into this. She doesn’t _need_ to know more about this. Ayato is a past chapter of her life. Knowing more about him isn’t going to help her in any way. Yet, her curiosity got the better of her. Ever since she found out that something big had happened, she had always wanted to know what had gone on between them.

Besides, it’s not like it’s just Ayato’s story. It concerns Kaneki too. _Yes, Kaneki_. The man she’s in love with. She wants to know his past. _That’s it._

“Ayato said he never told you about everything that happened. Are you sure you want to know about it?” Touka asks.

“I… think so.”

“Ayato got into an accident and he got knocked into a coma for a while back when you guys were in high school. I’m sure you know that, right?”

“Yeah.”

“When my father found out about it, he had a heart attack. He was already sick to begin with. He was very weak. He couldn’t take it,” Touka sighs. She picks up her drink, mixing it about with her straw before she sips.

“I’m… so sorry…” Hinami says. Touka smiles weakly in response, nodding a little but she still remains silent. “What happened to Ayato? The accident… how did it happen?”

 _Ah, the topic went back to Ayato again._ One step at a time, she supposes. Kaneki would come up eventually. _That_ is what she’s really into.

Touka’s smile widens a little, though it looks grimmer than before. “He was pushed in front of an oncoming truck.”

Hinami’s eyes doubles. “Pushed? By who?” She had thought it was an accident all along. But he was pushed– _someone tried to kill him_. Who would even do something like that? Ayato can be difficult to deal with at times but she doubts that he has enemies.

“Ayato doesn’t want you knowing about this,” Touka says. Strangely, her expression seems to have a degree of amusement in it. It felt almost malicious to Hinami. Even if Ayato doesn’t want Hinami to know about it, Hinami’s sure Touka wants it.

“Who is it?” Hinami asks softly.

“You’ll regret it.”

“Just tell me.”

Touka’s smile fades to a slightly weak one, her eyes falling to her food before her. She’s silent for a moment before she sighs and looks up at Hinami again. “It’s Ken.”

Hinami almost laughs. It’s just that ridiculous. “Big brother?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re… kidding, right?”

She doesn’t think she’s seen Touka with an expression like this before. It almost makes her blood run cold. Touka’s eyes burn into her and Hinami feels a chill run down her spine. What kind of an atmosphere is this; what kind of a sudden change is this? She wants to turn back time and to take back the wish that she had made for Kaneki to come up in the conversation. This isn’t what she had been expecting to hear at all.

“You think I’m joking?” Touka says. _So cold_. She sounds so cold. “You think I’d make up stories about how my husband almost killed my baby brother? How a stupid argument and a simple push was all it took to take my father from me?”

“I… I didn’t mean–”

“No one should ever have to feel that way,” Touka cuts in, not letting Hinami apologize for what she felt had been her insensitivity. Touka glanced down at her food with a sigh. “I’ll never forget that day– the expression on Ken’s face when he watched the truck ram into Ayato; the scream Ayato let out when he’s tossed a couple of metres away; the way his body felt when I held him in my arms, weak, sticky and wet from his broken bones and spilt blood; the way my father sounded on the phone as I told him everything; the way Dad’s eyes looked as he saw Ayato’s body, right before he too collapsed. It was a terrible day…”

“Touka, I–”

“Dad’s last word… The last thing he said was Ayato’s name… He died thinking his son was dying, or that his son was probably dead… When Ayato woke up, I was so happy my brother is alive, but I was also so sad that Dad died before he could see it. I broke down immediately. I can’t help but think if Dad knew Ayato was going to live, maybe he’d have lived. You know, if I hadn’t told him that Ayato got into an accident, maybe it would have worked out fine. Ayato sometimes left home and stayed over at his friends’ place whenever he was pissed off with Dad. It was just one month anyway; if I had just pretended it was that instead of an accident, Dad would still be alive now. He’d have been angry when he found out the truth but… he’d still be alive…”

This sounds familiar– not the words, but the sentiments behind it. _I killed him._ It was the same thing Ayato had said the other day when cried. Ayato probably never knew that Touka blames herself for it and Hinami wonders if Touka knew that Ayato blames himself for it as well. Had they ever talked about it? She doubts they had since it’s only been a month since they reconciled.

“It isn’t… your fault,” Hinami says.

Touka stays silent for a moment, staring at her food blankly. Hinami doesn’t think that either of them has any appetite left. How is anyone going to be able to eat anything after that conversation? It takes a while for Touka to look up and meet Hinami’s eyes. Touka still seems somewhat hostile, very different from the girl Hinami had gotten to know the past few times they met. But really, what does she know about this woman? The woman she knew and had interacted with was someone who had tried her best to keep everything buried as she moved on from her past tragedies. Hinami doesn’t know Touka at all.

Just like she barely knew Ayato apparently.

“You’re telling me… it’s not my fault?” Touka sniggers, before she bursts into soft, dry laughter. “How many times do you think I’ve heard that from Ken? Whose fault do you think it is then, huh? Not Ken, clearly. Do you blame Ayato?”

“No! It isn’t your fault and it isn’t Ayato’s either,” Hinami says. “I know Ayato blames himself as well but… these things happen and you can’t do anything about it. You just have to–”

“What do you know about all this?” Touka cuts in. She’s almost snarling and although she’s simply glaring daggers at her, Hinami feels like she’s dealing with something more ferocious and threatening. All the pent-up emotions and anger are seeping out. Hinami sees Touka’s facade breaking right before her eyes. Touka gets to her feet, dropping the cutlery on the table. They’re making a scene. Hinami can feel everyone watching them. Yet, Touka doesn’t seem bothered. Her lips are quivering. Her eyes are watery, stray tears falling out, messing up her makeup in the process.

“What do you even know about the things we went through? What do you even know about the pain I felt, losing my father, almost losing my brother? I tried to stay strong then, to be there for Ayato as _his_ world came crashing down, desperately trying to ignore as mine fell apart as well, but he just… _left_!” she screams out. She slams her fist onto the table. “Dammit. Fucking… dammit.”

“Touka.”

“I’m leaving,” she says, taking up her purse and slamming a couple of notes onto the table. “Keep the change.” She walks out hurriedly, slamming the door to the restaurant behind her and leaving Hinami behind.

There aren’t many people around so not too much attention is fixed on her right now. She does see the waiters hesitating over approaching her. Hinami gets up as well and follows after Touka, ignoring the barely touched food. She doesn’t know what she should do right now, but her instincts scream at her to go after Touka, to find her and console her. Hinami feels like she’s stepped on a landmine. This wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t probed Touka about Ayato’s past. She was simply curious, but it seems she had only made things worse.

She doesn’t see Touka when she steps out of the place and it looks like Touka had already walked off somewhere. But Hinami’s determined not to give up. Ayato will probably hate her more if he found out that she made his sister cry. He seems to be weirdly protective of her, though ironically, he probably is the person who had made her cry the most. She continues to walk down the road before she starts to spot a recognisable figure in the distance. Hinami quickens her pace. A short distance away, at an empty children’s playground, she sees a familiar head of wavy light blue hair. Touka is seated on one of the swings, body bent over slightly as her hands desperately try to rub the tears out of her eyes. Hinami stops by the swings, watching her for a short while before she reaches over and lightly places her hand on Touka’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Touka says immediately, though she doesn’t look up. “I didn’t mean to snap at you… I just… lost it.”

“It’s okay, Touka.”

“No. No, it’s not okay,” she insists. She looks up at Hinami, her eyes red and puffy. Her makeup is running, black tear streaks marring her face. “I can’t believe I said those things to you. I was insensitive. You would know. Of course, you know how it feels like… I’m so… sorry. I just blew up. It’s rude–”

“No, it’s not,” Hinami says. “It’s okay, you can let out what’s inside. It’s fine. It’s better than keeping it in.”

Touka smiles slightly, before she takes Hinami’s hand, holding it tightly in her hands. “No matter how true that is, I said things I shouldn’t have said. I… realised it after I sat here and went through our conversation in my head again. I can’t believe I said those things to you. I should be thankful. At least, my brother is alive. At least, I still have part of my family.”

It hadn’t been personally bothering Hinami. She had been too worried about Touka– seeing her in that state was scary. She was too focused on that to realise what Touka was saying then and what the words meant to her personally.

“I”m sorry too, I spoke insensitively at some points too,” Hinami admits. “I… just found it hard to believe that Big Brother was the one who hurt Ayato…”

“You mean, given the fact I’m still married to him?” Touka laughs lightly. “You’re right. It is weird. I was really fucking pissed off initially. But after what happened with Dad, Ken was there all the time, you know. He stuck with me even when I was cursing at him and hurling mean words at him every time I saw his face. He was apologetic about it and honestly, it was an accident. And it was _Ayato_ who started the fight, Ken merely responded. It took me about two to three weeks to get over my anger and accept him back. Ken had no one else anyway. He lost his family. He has friends but aside from Hide, no one really close. You and him had lost touch too. Ayato and I were his only family… I mean, we weren’t married at that point, but it sure felt like it already. I couldn’t throw him away; he is family to me too.”

“They all mean a lot to you, don’t they?” Hinami muses. She tightens her grip on Touka’s hands. “Have you talked to Ayato about this?”

“Not really.”

“I think you should because I think Ayato blames himself for what happened to your father as well.”

Touka’s eyes widen. “He does?”

“He never said it outrightly, but I do think so. That’s why I think you should talk to him so that the both of you would realise it’s neither of your faults.”

“You make it sound so easy,” Touka sighs.

“It’s not… and I know that better than anyone else. I used to keep thinking too, if I had done something, maybe things would be different. If I hadn’t delayed them at home that day, maybe my parents’ car wouldn’t have been at the spot it was when the truck crashed into them. They had gone to buy dinner because I wanted to eat pizzas. Maybe I should have agreed with Mom’s suggestion and eat home-cooked food instead, or maybe I should have asked for ramen instead. There were so many things I could have done differently and if I had, they might still be alive.

“At one point, I too thought it was my fault, for being a selfish girl and wanting pizzas on that day, but you know, it sounds ridiculous now. It’s not like I knew what was about to happen. It took me years to accept that and even now, sometimes these thoughts still surface and it makes me sad thinking about it. But all we can do is just move on from what happened and not let it weigh us down, right?”

She didn’t mean to give one long speech to Touka, but the words simply came out against her will. She doesn’t know what kind of expression she has on her face right now– she feels the stretch in her lips but also the tears at the edges of her eyes. Touka is blinking at her in surprise before her face slowly morphs to a genuine smile.

“Look at me, being lectured by a younger girl,” she laughs. “You’re right. I get what you’re getting at. I’m trying to rationalise with myself too– it’s not fair if I had kept Ayato’s accident a secret from Dad anyway and I don’t think it would be possible. He’d have found out eventually. But it’s not easy believing that.”

“It’s fine. You should take your time, especially now that everyone is together again,” Hinami says.

“You’re a really nice person, you know,” Touka sighs. She wipes the final traces of tears away from her face and looks up to Hinami with a brighter smile. “You’re a really good person.”

“I thought you hated me,” Hinami says. Much to her surprise, Touka actually looks taken aback at this. Her eyes go wide for a moment before she narrows them and furrows her brow.

“I’d thought you were a sweet girl from the time we met, Hinami. I liked you from the beginning.” Touka admits. “Why would you think that way?”

“You told Ayato to end things with me, didn’t you?”

Touka’s eyes cloud over for a moment before she nods, looking away from Hinami and staring straight ahead. “That relationship you two have… it’s not good.”

“But to tell him to just cut me off like that… don’t you think it’s cruel?”

“I didn’t mean for that… I just wanted the sleeping together thing to stop,” Touka says. “You both know it’s not a good thing. I don’t know what kind of arrangement the two of you had, but I’m his sister and for now, all I see is a physical relationship that has been wearing my brother down. When the two of you started it, Ayato might have agreed not knowing what he was getting into, you know.”

 _It was his idea_ , she wants to scream, but decides against it. It doesn’t really matter whose idea it was, both of them at that point decided it was a good idea.

“I don’t think either of us knew what we were getting into,” Hinami admits. “I… hated it as well, honestly. In the beginning, after a while, I’d feel terrible after sleeping with him and I’d leave immediately after. But Ayato is someone who’s so familiar and reliable for me that I couldn’t stop myself from going back to him. Ayato too… he tried to turn me away but always ended up giving in… or well… that is what I thought happened.”

Touka chuckles softly and she turns to look at Hinami. “My brother really loves you, you know.”

Hinami can’t help but laugh– sardonically, that is. “I highly doubt it. He seems fine without me right now.”

Touka seems more amused than anything right now. She shakes her head and jumps to her feet, patting her skirt and easing the creases in it. “You’re wrong there. He’s not taking it well at all.”

“I see him in school everyday and he’s fine. I… can’t stop thinking about him. It feels weird not talking to him, not texting him and not seeing him at all. I feel so empty. But he’s _fine_. He’s okay. And _he’s_ supposed to be the one in love.”

“He loves you,” Touka says.

“He just wanted to have sex.”

“Even if that is true, it seems to bother you more than it should. What’s the matter? You want him back?”

“That’s not it at all. It’s just… I trusted him.”

“And he broke your trust by acting okay while everything is falling apart for you,” Touka chuckles. When Touka puts it that way, it sounds dumb. But Hinami doesn’t care if it’s dumb. It hurts and she hates the way it makes her feel.

“I thought he would be… more sad about it.”

“He is, trust me.” Touka looks at her for a moment, narrowing her eyes as she crosses her arms. She doesn’t speak for a while. She just watches, and Hinami stares at her in response, wondering over the sudden silence and the scrutinising look. And then, “You’re not in love with my brother, are you?”

There’s something that stops her from denying it immediately– something that makes her pause, her heart almost stop and her breath catch in her throat. The possibility had surfaced in her mind the night they were in Touka’s house but she hadn’t been able to arrive at an answer. In fact, she hasn’t even thought about it after that night; she has been too busy being upset and annoyed with Ayato to even consider why that is the case.

“I’m not…” she replies slowly, but she’s sure she could have been a little more confident about it.

Touka doesn’t seem to believe her but she gives her a smile nonetheless. “Well, then you’ll get over this easy.”

It’s been a month, yet nothing had been easy.

“You’re right… I will…” She forces the lump down the throat as she says this.

Touka is still grinning playfully. She starts to walk and Hinami simply stares at her, watching as she heads towards the entrance of the park. She stops, turns to Hinami and raises her eyebrow. “Come on. We haven’t actually eaten our lunch yet.”

She’s right; they had run out of the previous place after barely eating anything.

“Ah, I’m coming!” she says, running over to Touka.

“We’re going to have to go somewhere cheap though. I slammed most of my money on the table just now. Maybe the roadside ramen store down the street,” Touka suggests with a laugh. “This is so fun. It’s like I have a little sister now. We can talk and hang out.”

That thought isn’t a bad one at all. Hinami can’t help the smile on her face as well.

“Then I’ll call you Big Sister,” Hinami says. “Since you’re the woman married to my Big Brother anyway.”

“That makes me very happy,” Touka says, with another breath of laughter. She looks over at Hinami, a small cheeky glint in her eyes. “Who knows? Maybe one day we’ll be sisters for real.”

She could, but at that very moment, she decides not to worry about the implications of those words.

* * *

The time she spent with Touka and the conversation they had doesn’t really bother her much until she’s lying in bed that night, staring sleeplessly at the ceiling as her mind starts to go over everything that had happened and all that she had learnt. She had known nothing about it at all, despite the fact that she has all along thought of herself as the person Ayato is the closest to. He had never confided in her about all that happened; he had never even told her the reason he supposedly fell for her– _maybe he never did_. The thought makes her choke again, but Touka had been adamant that he’s just pretending to be fine. Maybe she’ll trust Touka. It’ll ease some of her worries.

But she still wonders if anyone else knew about what happened. Did he tell Naki and Miza about everything? Did he tell _Rio_? Rio had been his vice-captain in high school. If the accident had really been the reason he couldn’t play soccer anymore, Rio would know about it. He would probably be the one who knew all that happened. Hinami barely knows Rio so going up to him to ask him about it would be the most awkward thing ever. Maybe she should get Tomoe to do it, but Hinami will have to tell her why she wanted all these information and that will be awkward as well. As she had all along known, it’s best to keep anything regarding her relationship with Ayato to herself.

She tries to sleep, but she can’t, not when Touka’s words keep going on and on in her mind. It was Kaneki who pushed Ayato. It was Kaneki who caused Ayato’s dreams to shatter. All that time, Ayato had been sleeping with a girl who was in love with the very person who did all that to him. She doesn’t understand– just _how_ was he okay with this?

She’s confused. Nothing seems to make sense. What seemed simple and sensible to her is now just a whole complicated mess of secrets and lies. She wishes he had been honest with her all those days they were together. She wishes he had told her everything. It would have been so much easier to hear it all from him, to know what he thinks and feels about it all. Touka can only guess. She can’t tell Hinami what went on in Ayato’s mind when he decided he’s fine with their arrangement.

She supposes she can see Touka’s side on things better now. It’s clearer now that Hinami is lying in bed and properly processing everything. Touka is just protecting her brother from being hurt. In Touka’s place, Hinami would have done the same thing. But Hinami isn’t in Touka’s place right now; she’s in Hinami’s. Right now, she’s the one who’s confused and upset. Maybe talking to Ayato might help but he’s still pretending she doesn’t exist. Texting him won’t work either. She had tried in the first few days and all of her messages and calls had been ignored. She knows that he saw her messages. He simply did not reply.

She doesn’t get much sleep that night. She spends most of it lying in bed and thinking. She’s at least thankful Miza isn’t having a party over in her room next door. She doesn’t know how she’d take having to listen to Ayato having the time of his life while she’s in this state. Eventually, she does fall asleep but she has no idea how late into the night it is. When she wakes up, she realises she’s late for class.

Maybe it’s not too bad; every cloud has a silver lining she supposes. She has lessons with Ayato today anyway and maybe now isn’t the best time to see him. She can always ask Tomoe about what she missed anyway.

She doesn’t get out of bed much afterwards. She leaves her dorm a little before the lunch crowd, grabs some takeaway and gets back to her room. She considers watching a movie but she’s not in the mood to search something up. After finishing her food, which too took almost forever because she found herself spacing out far too much, she pulls out a random Takatsuki Sen book, got comfortable and started reading.

Books always give her a break from reality and despite her having already read this book more than three times, it still captivates her from the very beginning. Takatsuki Sen just has a way with her words, which is able to fully connect with Hinami and her own experiences. For the few hours which she spent reading the tales of a One-Eyed King leading a revolution of his kind, she’s able to forget what had been bothering her. Ayato finally gets pushed to the back of her mind as her imagination conjures up images of a war-wrought society, with humans and monsters fighting constantly.

Hinami wonders what it’ll be like to live in a world like that. Her world is normal. But even then, she has lost a lot and she knows people who had lost more. She wonders if her parents would still be around if they lived in the world Takatsuki Sen had created. What would it be like if she was born a monster like the protagonists’ kind? A truck clearly won’t be enough to kill her parents then. Maybe they really would have been alive and with her. She might not have gone to school, she might not have met Ayato, Touka and Kaneki and she might not feel the kind of pain she’s feeling right now. Maybe she’ll find people to be with like the King does in the story— a group of people who’d support her, be with her and always have her back. Maybe things would be better.

 _Or maybe it would be worse._ Maybe she’ll be in the crowd of lost lives, just another nobody that fell victim to the curse of that world. After all, for a girl who was once her mother’s little clover, she strangely never has any luck.

She closes the book and places it aside, before throwing herself onto her bed. It’s late. It’s past dinner time. She should get food, but she doesn’t feel hungry. She doesn’t even want to get out of bed again. Now done with her book, she’s alone with her thoughts again. She can’t stop her mind from wandering back to her memories, thinking of her conversation with Touka and also to Ayato breaking it off with her.

That one day had been eventful; so many things had happened– so many changes. Hinami sighs as she recalls his expression right before he left her. It was… terrifying. It’s so hard to believe that merely a couple of hours before that, she had him under her complete control, cheeks flushed, body trembling as he obeyed her every whim and fancy. That was fun. She’d never done something like that before. She’d never taken control away from him before. It was a new experience and she knew that the both of them liked it. She wishes she had another chance to experiment more.

Hinami closes her eyes. Her body feels uncomfortable. She hasn’t given in to her desires much this month, but when she does, it comes as a huge wave of desperation. Yes, she wants him by her side again, supporting her and comforting her, but she also wants to touch him again, to push him down and to pin him beneath her. She wants to do it again. She wants to fuck him again.

_If they do what they’re not supposed to do, they should be punished._

She grins a little as she remembers that from the forum the other day. She is annoyed, upset and somewhat turned on right now. She wonders if she’ll ever get the chance for a sequel to that night. Maybe a little of this would convey her current emotions to Ayato. If she could have him right now, she’ll make him apologise over and over again for it.

She has nothing else to do and her mind is already in such a place. Without really thinking much about it, she spreads her legs, lifting her skirt and letting her hand move down. She slides her hand under her panties, touching herself directly. She’s already a little wet, but it doesn’t take long for her arousal to heighten from her own touch. She lets out a sigh, opening her eyes slightly as she lets the pleasure wash over her. She’s never been the kind of girl to engage so willingly in such an act. She had done it before, but it had always made her embarrassed. Things must have changed in the past two years. When you’re so used to having sex, masturbation doesn’t seem like a big thing anymore.

She gives in to the building sensation, letting her eyelids fall shut again as her fantasies run wild. She can’t stop the images that are being formed in her mind and she’s almost surprised. It’s not Kaneki she sees; it’s Ayato. Maybe that makes sense. She was just thinking about him after all.

He moans her name the way he always used to when they have sex. His expression is an exact replica of the one from her memories. She pictures him on the bed, eyes closed tightly, cheeks dusted pink, mouth parted slightly as he writhed about beneath her. _Ah, it’s like that day again._ Her fantasy’s Ayato is begging for more, asking her to let him come, opening his eyes slightly just so he can look at her with that one adorable, pleading look. Her hand reaches for him, lightly stroking his face as she leans forward.

_Hinami…_

It feels so real. His voice sounds so real; it’s like he’s really there.

She kisses him and she feels his body stiffen from it. He jerks his hip against hers, his dick hitting against that one spot deep inside her– the spot she’s desperately trying to find with her fingers right now. She wants him to touch her but she remembers commanding him not to and he had surprised her by actually listening.

_Hinami!_

His voice is more urgent this time as if he’s been calling out for her for ages. She’ll give him what he wants, she supposes, moving her hips faster and rocking against his dick– her fingers– harder. She can imagine his pants right by her ear, calling her name again and again, begging for release. She needs this so much. She wants it so badly. She wants to feel it again– to have the control in her hands, to have him at her mercy and to look at her with those eyes her fantasy is looking at her with right now.

She wants to dominate him again.

It doesn’t take long till she’s at her climax, coating her fingers with her own juices. She lies on the bed with her eyes closed for a short moment, before she opens them and raises her hand, staring at the wetness on the two fingers. Even though she came, she feels far from satisfied. Maybe it was a bad idea to touch herself after all. She wonders what she should do now.

A loud knock on the door makes her jump. Whoever it is raps on her poor wooden door five times, with a force that makes her worry that the door might snap into two. They sound annoyed. She hopes they’re just impatient and it’s not her who had been so caught up in her dreams that she had not noticed them at the door. She gets up, absentmindedly wiping her fingers on her dress, and starts to walk to the door.

“Hey Hinami, are you alive in there?”

She freezes, eyes widening at the voice. Is this just her imagination or is it the real deal?

“A…ya–”

Another knock, and then, “Hinami!”

She jumps, shrieking softly at the sound of his voice. He’s there. He’s outside her door. She blinks, almost in disbelief, wondering if she’s going to wake up and find out it’s only just a dream. Maybe she’s still on the bed. Maybe she dozed off after touching herself and is actually sleeping right now.

“Hinami, open the door!”

If she takes too long, he might just leave. The thought makes her hurry to the door, only to hesitate right as she grabs the knob. _Why?_ Why should she open the door for him right now? He had ignored her for a full month. She doesn’t know what suddenly brought him to her room. He’s never dropped by before, not even when they were together. Why is he suddenly– angrily– asking her to answer the door?

She doesn’t have to open it.

“I can see your shadow, you know,” he says.

He knows she’s there. This is the best chance she has to give him a taste of his own medicine. If she walks away right now, he’ll know she’s ignoring him– just like she knows he has been ignoring her. There’s a childish part of her that really wants to hit him with all she’s got. Two can play that game, not just him.

“Are you angry with me?” Ayato asks, sighing softly. His voice is gentler now. He almost sounds regretful. God, if he’s here to ask her to pretend everything didn’t happen if he’s here to ask her to get back together, she’d… Even she doesn’t know what she’d do.

“Hinami, I promise this is nothing like what you think it is… Mado gave me some of your assignments and asked me to pass them to you as soon as possible,” he admits. “It’s just that. I’ll leave immediately so open the door.”

She could just ask him to slide them under the door. She doesn’t have to open the door to look at him. Yet, she can’t bring herself to let go of the knob. Instead, she’s turning it. He’s been ignoring her the entire time, pretending she doesn’t exist and he doesn’t see her, ignoring her calls and messages and acting as if they never had a thing between them. It had hurt so much and it still continues to gnaw at her as she starts to open the door. Even then, she can’t turn away from him, not when he’s finally calling her name again. She hates feeling so weak and giving in so easily, but she can’t help it.

She misses him so much.

Even if it’s for a mere few seconds, she wants to see him again.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: infidelity in this chapter

When he enters the classroom, he’s surprised to see that she’s not there already. Hinami is usually a punctual girl, or rather, she’s the kind who’s always early for anything. Normally, she’d be there by the time he arrives and she usually has a seat saved for him. So when he slips in a minute before class is meant to start and he sees that she isn’t there, he’s bound to be curious.

_Curious. Not worried. Curious._

Naki and Miza are already there. Ayato makes his way over and takes the seat right next to Miza. He doesn’t say anything, not even a greeting, but she notices him and immediately jabs him lightly with her elbow.

“Hinami isn’t here,” she says.

“Really? I didn’t notice.” He tries his best to sound as nonchalant about it as he can. Even though he already knows, he’s tempted to turn his head and look. Instead, he tries to focus his attention on his bag, searching through it for nothing in particular.

“Very funny,” Miza mutters. “Your eyes were glued to where she normally sits when you walked in.”

“They weren’t. I was spacing out.”

“You’re a terrible liar.” He turns and sees both of them looking at him. Miza seems unamused while Naki has a grin on his face.

“Don’t the two of you have other better things to do?” he grumbles. “Where’s Hooguro and Shousei?”

“Running late,” Naki replies. “Yesterday we went to this really cool place and Hooguro found this girl he likes and—”

“Don’t change the topic,” Miza cuts in.

“What? Okay, fine, Hinami’s not here. I noticed. Happy now?” Ayato hisses. Perhaps sitting with Miza might be a bad idea, but there isn’t anyone else he knows in class. Rio doesn’t take this class with him. The only other person he knows by name is Tomoe and that too because she’s Hinami’s friend. Besides, a little after he and Hinami had broken it off, Tomoe’s been giving him dirty looks. He knows that whatever she heard from Hinami had only given her a bad impression of him.

“Why isn’t she here?” Miza asks.

“How am I supposed to know? I haven’t talked to her in ages.”

“Yeah, you stopped talking to her a little after that day in the strip club,” Miza says flatly. “Good job bringing two girls home and cheating on your girlfriend.”

“Hinami wasn’t my girlfriend. She never was.”

“You guys were clearly together,” Miza argues and god, he wants to rip his hair out. He’s lost count how many times they’ve had this very argument. It’s really getting on his nerves.

“We were never together.”

“You were fucking her though,” Naki laughs. He’s loud enough that a couple of students around them look back at them. They turn away the moment he glares at them, but when he fixes the same glare on Naki, he only gets a playful smirk in response. “You were.”

“Yeah, I was, but that meant nothing.”

“You stole her virginity, led her on with sex and then dumped her for two random girls you found in a strip club,” Naki says, again a little too loudly.

“Can we really not talk about this here?” Ayato grumbles. “Look, we’re going over to Miza’s place later right?”

“Oh sure, we can talk about how you fucked Hinami up then. She can join in the conversation through the thin walls of the dorm as well,” Miza sighs. “Let’s go to Naki’s room instead today.”

“No way. It’s messy and it has a weird smell.”

“You know, I noticed you never come over to the dorms unless we’re going to my room.”

“He’s a pervert,” Naki teases. Ayato doesn’t know what the people around them have ever thought about him but the past few minutes must have changed everyone’s perceptions drastically.

“Naki’s room is messy and it stinks.”

“Hooguro’s?”

“He always has a girl in there so no.”

“Shousei’s?”

“His room?” Ayato pauses. He’s never actually been into Shousei’s dorm before and he doesn’t exactly have any plans on visiting it. “No.”

“Yeah, I thought so,” Miza sighs. “So unless you’re really a pervert who gets off on being in the girls’ dorm, why mine?”

“If you think I’m into you, you’re dead wrong.”

Miza gives him a wide smile. “I would never think that way. It’s disgusting.”

“Good.”

“Nice. It’s Hinami again.”

“Yeah— No. It’s _not_ Hinami again.”

“You come to my room knowing she lives next door hoping you might get a chance to see her,” Miza says flatly. “Or maybe you’re just a creep and the idea of being that close to her turns you on.”

“Or both,” Naki adds.

He wishes Naki would shut up, but before he can offer any comment, he sees Mado getting up from her desk. He flashed a glare towards him, but as always, Naki isn’t fazed by it at all. Sometimes he wishes Naki will at least react to his stare the way the others do, but he supposes someone who knows him as well as Naki wouldn’t be bothered by it at all. Hinami has never really been affected by it either— not that he uses it on her much.

Ayato’s grateful at least that now that class has started, he doesn’t have to continue the conversation and that Naki and Miza will probably forget about it later. He doesn’t like talking to them about Hinami. He does want to talk to someone about her at least. But no one knows anything about what is going on between the two of them and he’s sure that they probably wouldn’t be able to understand them anyway. It’s probably better for him to keep quiet about it.

“Okay before we begin anything, I should give out your papers.” Mado’s unbothered stern voice brings his attention back to class. He hadn’t been able to focus much on work lately and he knows he’s behind. He needs to catch up. There’s ton of things he needs to finish— readings and even assignments that he should have started days ago but have yet to touch.

The class is silent as Mado starts going around and returning their work. It starts to get noisier as more people get their scripts back— a usual thing, Ayato supposes. Eventually she comes to him and stops right in front of him. She scowls as she places his paper on the small desk in front of him.

“You know you can do better,” she murmurs before she walks away. He glances at the paper in front of him, freezing at the grade he’s gotten. Miza leans over from her desk and peeks over.

“That’s weird,” she sighs. “A C+? You’ve never gotten this bad a grade before.”

He’s never been the brightest student in class. He’s not Hinami. But he’s never gotten below a B. This is a first but he has to admit, as bad as the grade is, he’s not actually surprised. He had barely put any effort into this particular paper. He had done it the night before his submission and even then, it wasn’t an all-nighter effort. He finished it pretty quickly. He simply couldn’t be bothered about it.

“Yeah, I guess I was out of it.”

“Is it because of the break up?” Miza snickers, looking at him with a knowing grin. “You act like you’re okay but you’ve been so weird lately—”

“Okay, all of you can shut up now,” Mado says from the front of the class, her loud, sharp voice cutting Miza off. Ayato gives a silent thanks to her. He doesn’t want to have that conversation again. He’s so sick and tired of it, yet he knows his friends are never going to let go. He doesn’t even understand why they care so much about his relationship with Hinami. It doesn’t concern them at all.

“There’s some absentees today and it’s a bother to get them to come collect it from me directly since I’m going to be away the next couple of weeks. Is there any one who’s able to pass their work to them?” Mado asks.

“Me!” Naki cries out, his hand shooting out happily. “I can pass them to Shousei and Hooguro!”

Mado looks over at him and shrugs before she passes two sets of papers to him. There’s one more in her hands and it’s probably Hinami’s. A part of him wants to volunteer. If it’s a month ago, he would have done it. But he knows that Hinami has her own friends now and he should leave it to them. There’s Tomoe in this class after all.

“Ayato can pass it to Hinami,” Naki says and Ayato immediately freezes.

“Oh then perfect,” Mado says. She’s standing close to him right now, and it takes barely any time before she drops Hinami’s paper on his desk. “Right, pass that to your girlfriend then. Thank you every much you both. And now, for today’s discussion, everyone please get ready.“

He’s barely able to focus on the discussion. He doesn’t even remember what the reading was about, or even if he did the reading. He’s staring at Hinami’s paper. Her name stares back at him and it almost feels ridiculous that it’s there. It hits him that he has to pass this to her. He has to go and meet her. He has to interact with her. He’s been avoiding her so much and he’s been trying his best to pretend she isn’t around, but right now, he has to go to her.

Maybe he should pass it over to someone else to give it to Hinami. Miza lives right next door to her. She probably sees Hinami everyday. Tomoe might be willing to pass it to Hinami as well, but he’s not sure if he wants to even talk to Tomoe. He’s sure she’s staring at him with the intent to kill even right now. In the slight chance that he passes it to someone else and the paper doesn’t get back to Hinami, he knows that he’d get into trouble. There won’t be any official punishment or penalties, but an angry Professor Mado is something no one, not even Ayato, wants to meet.

He’ll make it quick. Pass it to her and leave immediately. _Simple_. How hard can it be?

* * *

“Shousei and Hooguro didn’t end up coming to class today in the end,” Miza murmurs. “I wonder what happened.”

“They probably got too drunk last night or something,” Ayato sighs. He and Miza continue to walk silently down the corridor. Naki had gone in the other direction, towards the college dorms so he could pass Hooguro and Shousei their work. Ayato remembers Hinami’s paper in his bag. He should be going along with Naki, but the thought of going to see Hinami makes him hesitate. He could always get some lunch first. “Honestly, you guys should start taking things more seriously.”

“You got a C+ on that paper, Ayato. You’re not one to talk,” Miza snaps. “Are you sure you’re okay? Both Hinami and you didn’t do well on that paper.”

He remembers the grade he had seen on Hinami’s paper— B+. Miza’s worry isn’t misguided. It is unusual for Hinami to get anything that’s below an A.

“I’m telling you, nothing happened,” he insists.

“You guys used to hang out more. I’ve barely seen you with her ever since we went to the strip club so I only assumed something happened because of that.”

“Strip club? What’s this about a strip club?” a voice interrupts them before Ayato is able to respond to Miza. It came from behind them and when they turn around, they see Tomoe standing with her arms crossed. She huffs when their eyes meet. Tomoe is practically radiating with hostility right now. She doesn’t like him and she isn’t making even the slightest effort to hide it from him. “Hinami’s been acting really weird for the past few days and I know it has something to do with you. So spit it out. What did you do to her?”

“I didn’t do anything to her at all. This is none of your business anyway,” Ayato snaps.

“Fine then. Give me Hinami’s paper,” she says.

“What?”

“Hinami’s paper, which Mado passed to you. I’ll go and pass it over to her so you don’t have to do it.”

He won’t have to see her in this case. He had hesitated over approaching her and getting her to pass the paper to Hinami, but now that she had come to him on her own free will, there isn’t anything to worry about. All he has to do is pass it to her and he can continue with not having anything to do with Hinami. Tomoe’s unlike his other friends. She’s reliable, from what he’s heard. He won’t face any problems.

But still, something makes him step back. “Why the fuck should I do that?” he growls. 

She ignores his question. Instead, she asks, “What grade did Hinami get?”

She’s getting on his last nerve and even Miza can tell. Miza flashes Ayato a glare, silently ordering him to calm down and keep his cool. Getting angry and worked up won’t help. It’ll make things worse. Tomoe isn’t going to be any more accepting of him if he’s too hostile with her.

“She got a B+.”

“A B+?” Tomoe cries out. “I knew there was something wrong with her. I just knew it. She’s been out of it for the past month.”

“Just like you,” Miza mutters, jabbing him with her elbow. “Aren’t you going to tell us what happened between you two? I’m starting to get very worried, Ayato. You’re not yourself lately. You’ve been quieter. You don’t play around much with us even though you’re suddenly always physically here. You’re always on the edge about something. The only time you ever seem normal is when you’re over at my place and I know that has something to do with how Hinami is just next door. It’s as if you’re trying to make her think you’re okay or something.”

“Why would he be upset? He’s the one who hurt her,” Tomoe jumps in, scowling at him. “I’ve seen the way Hinami stares at you the past weeks. What did you do to her?”

“I didn’t do anything!” he insists. The two girls continue watching him with matching frowns, clearly not believing a single thing he’s saying. He can’t lie his way out of this. “Alright. Fine. We stopped.”

“Stopped? Stopped what?” Tomoe hisses. She takes a step towards. She’s so small and he practically towers over her, but she doesn’t seem fazed at all. Though he supposes she won’t be afraid of him. He’s pretty sure she’s carrying a bamboo sword in her bag that she probably has no qualms with cutting him down with it.

“We stopped _what we had_.” He doesn’t to go into details. They won’t understand. He knows they’d just jump into whatever conclusions they can get their hands on in the spur of the moment.

“So you guys were dating,” Tomoe says, a victorious smirk forming on her face.

_No._

“I told you not to bring those girls home,” Miza snaps at him. She almost sounds like a nagging mother.

“What’s this about the girls? Does this have something to do with the strip club?” Even though it was Miza who had brought the girls up, Tomoe barely looks at her. She continues to stare at him, directing her question completely to him.

“This doesn’t concern you,” Miza says, huffing under her breath.

Again, Tomoe ignores her, but she narrows her eyes as Miza speaks. “Did you sleep with another girl even though you were dating Hinami? And then you dumped her after she found out. Is that what happened?”

“No.”

She waits for more after he responds to her and when it is clear that Ayato isn’t going to give her any further explanation, she takes another step forward, fuming. “You cheated on her.”

“I did not,” he says. He glances at Miza, who has a very similar expression to Tomoe on. “I don’t know why you both immediately assumed that has anything to do with the strip club because it doesn’t.”

“So right after you brought a pair of girls home, something else happened and you broke up with your girlfriend,” Tomoe scoffs. He’s never spoken to Tomoe much and he barely has any impressions of her. Right now, she’s not exactly forming the best impression. Maybe she’s a good friend, but she sure is scary to someone who isn’t a friend.

“Hinami wasn’t my girlfriend,” Ayato reiterates. It’s getting so exhausting, saying the same thing over and over again yet no one ever listens. Every time they make that assertion, it’s a slap to his face. He’d have died to be in a relationship with her, but the reality is that she’s in love with Kaneki, not him. She’ll probably never fall for him, no matter what he does and no matter how much he prays. He can’t change her feelings. He can’t force her to love him. He can only accept what he has before him. Hinami isn’t his girlfriend; she will never be. He had to settle with being whatever it was he used to be. How pathetic— he doesn’t even have a name for that.

“You were sleeping with her,” Miza says.

“Must be real nice having all the fun you wanted with her and then throwing her away the moment you don’t need her,” Tomoe snickers.

“That’s not true,” Ayato hisses.

“I thought you genuinely liked her,” Miza murmurs.

“I do!”

“Oh? _You_ like _her_? Don’t make me laugh,” Tomoe growls.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“If you liked her, why did you hurt her like that?” Tomoe cries out. “Do you know how much pain Hinami’s in right now? Do you know what you put her through?”

“What _I_ put her through?” He’s right on the verge of losing it. The accusations are getting the best of him. He can see Miza glaring at him, trying to silently ask him to calm down, but he’s just so close right now. He can’t calm down, not when Tomoe is like this. “What do you even know about Hinami and I?”

“All I know is that she likes you—”

“Hinami is in love with someone else, you idiot,” he interrupts. “I know because he’s all she ever talks about and all she ever cares about. Even when we’re fucking, I know for sure she’s thinking about that fucking bastard!”

Tomoe’s eyes go wide. “What? No. That’s not true! The way she acts… I know for sure—”

“You don’t know anything about Hinami and me,” he spits out. “ _I_ threw her away after having fun with her? Do you know how many fucking times Hinami has told me to stop what we have, only to come running back to me three days later when something goes wrong again? You don’t know a single fucking thing. Hasn’t Hinami told you anything about what she’s been doing?”

Tomoe glances away, a hand going to the back of her neck, rubbing it lightly. “She tells me that there’s nothing between you two… But I just know she’s hiding something. She won’t talk to me about it and I was getting worried about her.”

He smirks. “Well then, just stay the fuck out of it and—”

“Ayato,” Miza cuts in. She tugs Tomoe out of the way and stands between the two of them, looking up at him with a warning glare. “Calm down.”

“I am calm—”

“I said _calm down_ and stop raising your voice or you’re going to make a scene,” Miza instructs. She doesn’t give him a chance to say anything, or even to calm down like she asked him to, and she simply continues speaking. “I know Hinami is important to both of you and that clearly, something messed up is going on here, but you two need to stop screaming at each other and talk properly.”

“I am calm,” Tomoe insists. “But I just want to know one thing. Is that okay?”

He stays silent for a moment, looking at Miza and then at Tomoe. Their eyes lock and it’s clear that the hostile sentiments are still there and that even after hearing what he had said, she still holds him accountable for what happened. He doesn’t know how Hinami is acting. She seems pretty normal to him as well. She does avert her eyes when she sees him and she had spammed his phone with messages in the first few days of their break up. But everything went back to normal after that. He sees her with Tomoe almost everyday and they’re always talking happily. He’d just assumed she had moved on. That would be easy for her; she’s never been in love with him. He had assumed he’s the only one who’s still holding on, wishing to turn back time.

“What is it?” he asks.

“Why did you end whatever you guys were doing if you really like her?”

“I got tired.”

She raises an eyebrow. “You got tired of her?”

“No. I got tired of what we were doing. It’s draining. It hurts. I was sick of it,” he murmurs.

“Do you still love her?”

It’s an expected question and he had seen it coming. But when she does ask him, he pauses, genuinely considering things. The answer comes to his mind immediately, even as he thinks of reasons why it shouldn’t be like that.

“Yes. Yes, I do still love her.”

* * *

He decides not to go with Miza to hang out with the guys. After his conversation with Tomoe, he isn’t in the mood for socialisation anymore. He doesn’t go back to his apartment either. Oohashi is there. She’s the last person he wants to see right now. Miza stays with him till lunch, but they barely speak. The atmosphere is heavy and he can tell that Miza is genuinely worrying about him. He wants to tell her not to, that worrying about him really isn’t worth her time and effort, but he doesn’t know how he can convince her.

“What made you think all this was a good idea?” she asks at one point.

“I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking.” It really does feel that way. For all the time he spent with Hinami— for over a year— he really must not have been thinking.

“Why would you do that?” Miza murmurs. “Hinami is a pretty girl, but just _what_ about her made you fall so madly in love with her that you’d go that far?”

He gets up at this point. He’s done with his food. He gives her a simple shrug. “She saved me.”

“Saved you? Ayato, what does that even mean?”

He shrugs again. He has no intention of narrating his entire high school love story to Miza. He supposes he’s being a terrible friend, turning her away when she’s genuinely trying to help and understand him. But right now, all he wants is to be alone.

Ayato walks away, wandering about the college grounds absentmindedly. He tries to think of a place to go, but his mind is a blank slate. It’s his legs that seem to decide things right now. At some point, he arrives at the library— Hinami’s favorite place. It dawns on him that maybe Hinami might be in there and without a second thought, he walks in, looking around. There isn’t many people around and a first glimpse is enough for him to tell that Hinami isn’t here, but somehow, he finds himself walking around, looking in every nook and cranny of the library. He tells himself over and over again that he isn’t looking for her— that he _shouldn’t_ be looking for her. But it feels like he can’t help trying to keep an eye out for her, just like he couldn’t help looking at her empty desk in class earlier on.

She isn’t there. It takes him awhile to convince himself and when he does, he leans against one of the bookshelves and sighs, wondering what he should do now. He glances over at the books and sees a familiar name, _Takatsuki Sen_ —Hinami’s favourite author. He has to admit, he’s always been curious about her books, especially since Hinami always talked about them. He randomly picks one of the books out and brings it to one of the tables.

 _King Bileygr_.

He doesn’t really get what the book is supposed to be about from the title, but he reads it nonetheless. Ayato isn’t exactly the biggest reader in the world. He’s never been too fond of books, even when his father had read them to him before putting him to bed. But he still finds himself engrossed in the pages of this particular book. The author’s flair and the intensity of the story had him turning the pages of the book without him even realising it. The book is deeper than he thought it would be and it spoke of a revolution in a wrecked society, a story of the oppressed looking for hope through one person. Ayato supposes he knows how that feels like as well. He’s never been in the situation the characters in the book were but he knows what it’s like to feel like there’s nothing left for you. He knows what it’s like to have the hand of _one person_ pull him out of the darkness he was drowning it.

_She saved me._

His words to Miza is at the back of his mind when he looks up from the book. The library is emptier now. The librarian is walking around, returning used books to their respective shelves. He glances at the clock and he realises how late it has gotten. He probably should go back before Oohashi starts blowing up his phone with texts and calls. But before that, he has to pay Hinami a visit.

Ayato hadn’t finished the book yet and he doesn’t think he’ll continue reading it if he borrows it, so he simply returns it to the shelf. The dorms are at the other end of campus and it’s a pretty long walk there from the library. The sky darkens as he heads there, the sun beginning to set. It would be a nice and relaxing walk if it isn’t for all the students walking around, having fun and making a lot of noise. His friends are also probably hanging out in Miza’s place now. Maybe he’d drop by after visiting Hinami.

If the school was noisy when he was walking over, the dorms are ten times worse. People are hanging out in the lobby. There also are a few standing along the corridors while chatting. Ayato doesn’t really get them; talking in their rooms would be so much better than crowding the main walkway. He sees a couple of girls he knows as well and he has to look down to avoid catching their eye. He isn’t in the mood to talk to them. Ever since the rumour that he and Hinami had broken up was spread around, many of them had approached him, hoping for a chance.

Hinami’s room is closer to the end of the corridor and there doesn’t seem to be anyone around. He does hear voices from the room next to hers. Naki and the guys must be over at Miza’s place. He’ll make it quick with Hinami before he joins them.

He stares at her door for a moment. He doesn’t actually have to knock. He can simply slide it under her door. He doesn’t have to see her that way, or talk to her. He considers the option for a while. It really would be the better option, but against better judgement, his hand moves and he’s hitting his fist against her wooden door.

There isn’t a response— strange. Since Hinami hadn’t been in class, he doesn’t think she’ll be out now. She isn’t the kind to skip lessons on a whim. She probably wasn’t feeling well before class, which would mean she should still be in class. Maybe she’s asleep. He tries knocking again.

“Hinami…”

She still doesn’t respond so he tries knocking again, harder this time. Maybe she’s so ill that she’s too deep in sleep. Maybe sliding the papers under her door would be a better idea. Maybe he should just leave her to rest. All these thoughts are rushing through his mind, but his hands doesn’t seem to listen at all. He knocks again, harder and harder.

“Hinami!”

He feels his heart in his chest beating hard. He feels sweaty. A thought surfaces in his mind— what if she’s ignoring him? Maybe she really is upset with him. Maybe she hates him now. Tomoe had said that she’s been acting weird, especially when it came to him. Maybe she’s more affected by the separation that he thinks she is.

Or maybe something happened to her when she’s alone in the room. Maybe she’s so sick she collapsed. She might be lying unconscious in there right now and he might not even know.

He knocks harder again. He’s almost slamming his fists against her door now. “Hey Hinami, are you alive in there?”

There’s still no response. Maybe she really isn’t at home. Maybe she’s just ignoring him. He must be jumping to conclusions, right? There should be no reason for her to be that sick. He had just seen her the previous day and she was fine.

He tries again. “Hinami! Hinami, open the door!” If there’s nothing now, he’ll give up. He’ll slide the papers under and he’ll leave.

There isn’t anything. He gives it a couple of moments but she doesn’t respond, nor does he hear her door. Sighing, he gives in. There isn’t anything he can do now and knocking her door like a maniac isn’t helping the situation at all. At most, someone might find him and report him to security and that would be a huge problem for him. He reaches for his bag, looking down, and pauses.

She’s there, right by the door. His heart rate quickens and he can feel his palms getting sweaty. They’re so close, probably closer than they had been since they broke up. It’s just the door between them right now. She’s right there.

She’s right there, but she’s not answering him at all.

He forces down the lump in his throat and speaks again. “I can see your shadow, you know.” He sounds like a croaking toad. It weird, strange and maybe even creepy.

There is still no response from Hinami. He doesn’t see the shadow move. She doesn’t say anything. It becomes clear after a moment of silence that she probably is trying to ignore him and that she wants him to know that she’s ignoring him. Tomoe had been angry and it’s probably because she’s seen how Hinami is like when he’s not looking. It had been easier to tell himself that she won’t be affected by their separation before his conversation with Tomoe. But he had spoken to her and she had made it clear that Hinami is upset. Even if he hadn’t mean to hurt her, he did and Hinami wants him to know that.

“Are you angry with me?” he asks softly. She doesn’t reply and he doesn’t expect her to. Yet, he continues talking. “Hinami, I promise this is nothing like what you think it is. Mado gave me some of your assignments and asked me to pass them to you as soon as possible. It’s just that. I’ll leave immediately so open the door.”

There’s a brief moment of silence, which he supposes is her debating if she should listen to him, but he hears the knob of the door turn and it slowly starts to open. Hinami doesn’t look at him. Her eyes remain fixed on the floor, hair falling forward to curtain her face. When he sees her, he lets out the breath he hadn’t realised he had been holding. She’s there, in front of him. He’s almost in disbelief over the fact that she actually opened the door. He had been right on the verge of giving up.

“Hinami,” he murmurs. She looks up slowly. Her eyes are narrowed. Her cheeks are flushed. She’s sweaty and she’s breathing hard. She’s wearing a small green dress. It probably is her pyjamas given how short it is. One of the straps had slid off her shoulder as well. Her hair looks like it’s in a slight mess as well.

She looks hot and his throat goes completely dry. He forces himself to think of something else. Her appearance is probably because she’s sick. That’s why she didn’t come to class. That’s why she looks like _that_.

“Are you okay?” he asks. “You look terrible.”

She stares at him in silence, eyes trailing down his body. He takes a step forward and to his surprise, so does she.

“You look pretty ill, Hinami. Have you gotten a good rest?”

Her brows furrow. “I’m not sick.”

He finds himself doubting that. He takes another step forward and raises a hand to her forehead. She doesn’t have a fever but she is quite warm. “Maybe you should get some rest.”

“I really am not sick,” she sighs. She steps aside and nods towards her room. “Come in.”

He doesn’t need to go in. He shouldn’t go in. Seeing and talking to her is one thing, but he still needs to keep his distance or everything would simply go to waste. He can pass the paper to her while he’s standing at the door and then run over to Miza’s place where he can be safe from all these complications. He can still hear Miza and the guys. They sure sound like they’re having fun. He should head there too.

He _should_ but he doesn’t. Instead, he steps into her room and she shuts the door behind him and locks it. They’re alone now, aside from the voices from next door. He’s never been in here before. They had mostly spent their time in his place. Hinami’s room is neat, as he had expected, and pretty empty. She has an almost bare table, a shelf of books and a single bed at the corner, lying against the wall. The bed has a couple of pillows and a single plush rabbit. He remembers the rabbit; he had gotten it for her birthday. He’s surprised she still has it with her and that too so close to her.

“What do you need?” Hinami asks.

“I wanted to…” He pauses. His mind is blank. What had he come here for again? He looks at her and she stares back at him, waiting for an answer. He knows he came here for something, but all he can think about is her and the fact that he’s in her room and they’re alone. _Alone. In a room. With a bed._

He shouldn’t give in to the temptation.

“You didn’t just come up with a random excuse to enter my room, did you?” she muses.

“No. No, I didn’t.” It’s true but he had said it so quickly that he’s sure Hinami isn’t buying it. He takes a deep breath and tries to calm down, trying his best to remember everything that happened before this. Class— that’s right, class. He had to pass her the papers. “I came here to give you some of your work.”

“Work?” Hinami almost sounds surprised. He looks up and sees her sauntering over to him. Oh, _oh—_ She doesn’t have to walk like that. _Why is she walking like that?_

He tears his eyes away from her, hands grabbing his bag and opening it. Where did he place her paper again? He wishes his bag isn’t in such a mess and that he had been a little more organised when he kept this things. He’s desperately trying to find it as Hinami stops right before him, watching him carefully.

“Where is it?” she asks.

“I swear it’s in here somewhere.”

“Are you sure?” She sounds amused and he’s sure she definitely doesn’t believe him. He glances at her, but her expression is blank, eyes fixed on his bag.

“Trust me. I’m just here for the paper.” He pauses, finding it finally. “Oh, found it—”

“Yeah, you’d be here for work,” she murmurs, cutting him in. Her tone seems to have taken a drastic turn. The previous mischief and amusement is no longer present. She almost sounds disappointed. “It’s not like you have any other reason to talk to me.”

There’s enough bitterness in her voice to catch his attention and to turn him away from the task at hand. He raises his head, looking straight at her. “What are you going on about?”

“Nothing.” She glances away as she says it.

“It’s not nothing.”

“It’s nothing that you should concern yourself with.” She’s right; he shouldn’t concern himself with her too much, not when they had already gone their separate ways. Yet, he’s still curious, especially since he knows she’s referring to him. He wonders if this has something to do with what Tomoe was talking about. Hinami is acting weird.

“Come, on, tell me,” he urges. “Are you angry with me?”

“I won’t call it anger,” she admits. “It just _hurts_.” There’s a lot of hesitation when she speaks but he can tell she is being honest with him. Tomoe had already told him, but it doesn’t really hit him until this moment, when Hinami herself is admitting it to him. He has hurt her. He had done something he had told himself he never would.

It feels like he has sinned.

“I didn’t mean for it to,” he admits. He drops his bag on the floor and turns fully to her. “I thought you’d be okay.”

“You ended it all of a sudden and didn’t even give me an explanation. Then you go on living as if you’re completely fine,” she says plainly. “It feels like you threw me away.”

Tomoe’s words are coming back to him. He had sneered and mocked them when she said it, but now it starts to weigh down on him. This is what Tomoe has been seeing these days. It’s no wonder she’s angry with him; he’d be angry with himself if he knew this is what Hinami had been feeling, if he knew this is what he _made_ Hinami feel.

“You looked fine—”

“So did you,” she cuts in, “but are you?”

He’s takes a moment before he speaks, trying to calm himself down and not hurl himself straight into another mess. Hinami doesn’t seem to be rushing either. It feels like she’s just waiting. She’s just standing there and even if he runs out right in the midst of the conversation, it feels like she won’t stop him. She wants her answers, yet it doesn’t seem like she will actively search for them or force them out of him.

He wants to lie to her and tell her he’s fine, that he’s better off without her. But how will Hinami take that? It would hurt her even more, won’t it?

“No,” he admits. He lifts his hand and brings it to her face, pushing her hair away. Hinami leans into his touch and places her hand above his, lightly squeezing it.

“Why did you act like you were fine? I thought you were better off without me.”

“I’m sorry. I just wanted to move on,” he murmurs. Hinami steps closer to him. He feels a lump rising in his throat. He wants to clear things up with her and he does want to end all the misunderstandings, but he doesn’t want to go back to what they were— he shouldn’t. He can’t let himself be used again. She’s so dangerously close to him right now and while he knows that Hinami probably doesn’t mean anything by what she’s doing now, he knows what it might end up leading to. Neither of them have any agendas now. They’re just being swept along by the current, letting their passions, their emotions and their deepest desires within them dictate their actions. Why did he touch her? He had no reason to. He just _did_.

He drops his hand, sliding it into his pocket instead. He turns away from her, trying not to look at her. His eyes fall on her bed, lingering on the crumpled sheets. It’s a small bed, but even the smallest of beds is enough for anything to be done, especially when two people are trying to get close.

“It’s okay.” He turns back when he hears her reply. It feels like she has stepped closer to him again. There’s a small smile on her face and it doesn’t seem to harbour any ill feelings towards him. He wonders if she really had just accepted that half-assed apology of his and forgiven him. If she really is as hurt as Tomoe had implied, she’s forgiving him too easily.

“No, it’s not okay,” he says. “I was an asshole to you and that’s true. I should have been clearer about it. I’m sorry and I should make it up to you somehow.”

Hinami raises an eyebrow. “Make it up to me?”

“Yeah,” he says. He wrecks his mind, trying to think of something he can do to make her feel better. As cheap as it might seem, he gets an idea he thinks might work out. “How about I buy you some books?”

“Books?” She sounds incredulous.

“Or whatever you want, actually. I can get you some coffee or—”

“You want to _buy_ me something to make up to me?” She’s looking at him with an annoyed expression and he supposes it’s not really something she’d approved of. Hinami isn’t the kind of person who likes people spending money on her.

“What do you want then? Anything at all. I’d do it,” he says.

She stares at him, blinking a couple of times. “Anything?”

“Anything.”

Hinami nibbles her lips, glancing at the direction of her bed, then her table and then back to him. Her hand moves to the strap of her nightdress that had slipped off her shoulders, fiddling with it but not pulling it back on.

“Then,” she says slowly, “if I tell you to get to your knees, would you?”

He thinks he probably pales at her comment, as she turns bright red and looks away. He had said _anything_. He hadn’t set a boundary. He knows that if he refuses to do it right now, Hinami won’t have an issue with it— from how red she’s gotten and how she doesn’t seem to be able to look him in the eye right now, she looks like she’s regretting saying it already. The right answer now would be a “No.” He shouldn’t give in— not to her and not to his own desires.

But it’s like his body has its own mind. He falls to his knees before he can even speak, looking up for her, waiting for what’s to come next. Maybe she has something else in mind. Maybe she’s just playing.

 _Anything_.

“Hinami.” When he speaks, she looks at him, now looking down to meet his eyes. Her cheeks are so red. Her eyes are wide in surprise. He has to swallow the lump in his throat before he can actually speak properly. “What do you want me to do?”

She raises her hand— he can see it trembling— and runs her fingers along his face, brushing them lightly along his lips. They shouldn’t be doing this. He knows so well that this is where they needed to stop and he can see the hesitation in Hinami’s eyes again. But it’s hard to turn her away, especially when her hands are already on him. He hadn’t been able to satisfy himself lately. It’s always her that’s on her mind; it’s only her touch that he had been craving for. All the times he’d slept with his current girlfriend, he’d always been wishing it’s her. He doesn’t know what’s going on in Hinami’s mind, but he knows she knows as well as he does that they should stop. Maybe she’s been craving for him as much as he has been craving for her. But it’s hard for him to even consider that thought. He touches himself with her name on his lips; Hinami’s only ever wished it’s Kaneki with her. As Hinami leans forward to press her lips on his, he wonders what’s on her mind. Is she really kissing Kirishima Ayato or is she kissing someone else?

“Do you want this?” she asks. It’s a genuine question, one that isn’t binding him to anything. She’s giving him a choice. Does he really want this or does he not; yes or no?

_No._

“Yes,” he replies. She gets down as well, kissing his cheek, his chin and down his neck as he tilts his head to give her more access. She rubs his shoulders lightly before she starts to pull his jacket off him. Ayato remains still as she removes it. It falls to the floor silently. Hinami runs her hands down his arms and she pushes them slowly to the back, holding him in place.

“I had a lot of fun that night,” she admits. She doesn’t specify but he knows exactly what she’s talking about. “I’ve read up on some things and if you want, we can try them out.”

He nods and he feels her smile against his skin. Hinami gets up and she walks over to her desk. “You don’t mind getting tied up, do you?”

 _What?_ He feels his eyes double and he turns to look at her. She’s looking through one of her drawers. He wonders what she even has in there and he wonders if he should be worried. “Tied up?”

“If you’re doing this to make up to me, then it’s sort of like a punishment, right? I read up about some fun punishments,” she says. “You don’t mind, do you?”

He should. He should mind all of this. They should end things, not take things another step further.

“I don’t,” he says. He’s being honest as much as he knows he shouldn’t.

“You… want this too?”

He nods. “I do.”

* * *

He must have blanked out for a long while after they’re done. When he opens his eyes, he feels more relaxed. He’s exhausted and his entire body aches. But he’s satisfied— something he hasn’t felt in a long while. He feels sleep just right around the corner. His eyelids are heavy and he can only open his eyes a little. He’s tempted to close them, to let himself fall asleep. He really shouldn’t though. He’s in Hinami’s room. He already gave in once. He doesn’t want it to happen again. He should leave.

He should leave, but he doesn’t make an effort to move. He looks up at Hinami, who’s kneeling beside him. She has his arm on her lap, lightly stroking his wrists. He notices the red streaks on them and he starts to realise that they actually hurt. Hinami lightly touches the bruise and he winces.

“Does it hurt a lot?” she asks softly.

“A little, but not too much,” he murmurs.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, taking his arm and lifting it up. She leans her head down as well and presses a soft kiss on his wrist. It stings, but it’s bearable. “I’ve never tied someone up before so I might have done it too tightly. Next time, I’ll be more careful.”

 _Next time._ The words ring in his head and he wants to argue with her. There won’t be a next time— there shouldn’t. There shouldn’t even have been a _this time_. They shouldn’t be together, they shouldn’t be fucking and he shouldn’t be lying naked on her bed like this. He needs to stick to what he had decided. Hinami is the past. He can’t keep going back to her.

“I should go,” he says. Hinami nods and releases his hand. She shifts a little and watches him, probably waiting for him to actually go. He should leave. He really should. But his body just won’t listen to him. “Maybe, not now. Maybe, I’ll need a while. Give me five minutes.”

She smiles weakly. “If that is what you want.”

Just minutes ago, she had him pinned down while she gave him orders after orders. Now, she’s looking away from him, awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck as her cheeks burn red. He can’t tell what exactly that reaction is for. It looks like she’s embarrassed, or maybe she’s just feeling awkward. One of her hands remain pressed on the bed, grabbing the sheets tightly. He reaches for it without really knowing why and lets his fingers brush against it. Hinami looks over at him and flashes him another smile. Again, it looks sad and defeated. It’s not a good look for her. Her happy smiles are nicer, better.

“What is it?” she asks, taking his hand in hers, stroking the back of his palm with her thumb.

“Nothing really,” he murmurs. He just feels like touching her, perhaps. He didn’t get to touch her much with his hands tied.

“You should leave before the dorm closes. You might get into trouble for wandering in the girls’ wing,” she says. She gets up and starts to gather the discarded clothes from the floor. “Just stay there. I’ll get your stuff for you.”

“Thanks.” He watches as she bends over to pick them up. The atmosphere is still heavy and awkward, with both of them clearly avoiding the things that there is to talk about. He doesn’t want to think about them too much. It’s best for him to get out of there as soon as possible.

“Your pants are vibrating,” she chuckles, stopping as she holds his jeans. She slides her hand into his pocket and pulls out his phone, which is completely lit. She frowns at the screen. “Oohashi? Who’s that?”

_Fuck._

“Just some girl from college,” he says. He sits up. He better get that phone away from her.

“Oh. The call ended, but she’s left a bunch of texts for you,” Hinami says. Ayato doesn’t think she plans to read any of the messages, but it’s probably inevitable that she happens to see some of them. Her eyes widen right as he gets up and he knows immediately that he is fucked. “Ayato, who is this girl and why does she call you baby?”

“She’s a girl from one of my classes,” he says. He reaches over and pulls the phone out of her hands. He tries to keep calm and not panic. Maybe she hadn’t seen everything and he can still get out of this. “She calls everyone baby. It’s a term of endearment for her.”

“She said she’s waiting at your house and is going to give you the best night of your life—”

“Doing projects,” he cuts in. “We agreed to meet to finish up our assignments and you know, it’ll be late so the dorms would close so we decided to meet in my apartment.”

Hinami stares at him for a moment. It’s hard to gauge what she’s thinking from the look she has on her face right now. She doesn’t look shocked, or angry. She doesn’t even look sad— no watery eyes, no trembling lips like there normally would be. She just looks tired.

“Not once have you ever been honest with me, right?” Hinami asks.

“What?”

She nibbles her lips slightly, hands fidgeting with each other as she speaks. “I know I used you and I know I hurt you. I know what we had probably messed you up in ways I can’t even begin to imagine. You’ve had your experiences and I’ve had mine. But the truth is, Ayato, you know everything about me. I’ve never hidden anything from you. I’ve always been honest. I never withheld anything from you that would ever hurt you.”

He takes a moment to consider her words. She must have seen the texts and has figured everything out. Maybe he might still be able to talk his way out of this.

“Hinami, I can explain. Oohashi is—”

“This isn’t just about her,” Hinami cuts in. “From the very beginning, you’ve never been honest with me. You kept a lot of secrets and you never told me anything. Now, you’re trying to lie to me. Is it too hard to say you’re seeing someone else?”

“I thought it’s something no one else needs to know.”

“Not even me? Not even when you just slept with me again?” she asks. He doesn’t say anything; there isn’t anything to say right now. Hinami watches him, probably waiting for an answer. Eventually, she nods and lets out a soft sigh. She holds out his clothes to him. “I understand. Fine. Leave then.”

Her voice remains unwavering. Somehow, it feels like she has given up, like she doesn’t know what else there is for her to do. It’s almost a familiar feeling. When things are crashing down on you and everything is in a mess, all you can do is just wait, watch and let the flow lead you along. It’s what he had been doing all along, following Hinami’s flow, letting her decide the direction they’re heading. But right now, it doesn’t feel that way at all. She’s still; she’s just standing there.

He’s the course that’s pulling her along.

“Do you want me to leave?” he tries asking.

There isn’t a change in her facial expression. “It doesn’t matter what I want.”

He reaches for her. She must have assumed he’s reaching for his clothes as she releases her hold on them when his fingers brush against the fabric. But he doesn’t take them and they fall to the floor; he takes her hand. Hinami makes no attempt to push him away or even to reciprocate the action. She just stands there, watching.

“I want to know what you want,” he says.

“I don’t have a preference.”

“You’re fine if I stay or go?”

Hinami’s silent for a heartbeat and then she sighs, shaking her head. She looks up at him and this time, there is a change in her expression. Her lips tremble, her eyes are watery. “What does it matter? If you stay, you know what we’d end up doing eventually. If I ask you to leave, you’ll just go to someone else.”

“Hinami—”

“I didn’t think I was this replaceable!” she cries out. “You said you love me, but the day after our break up— oh, I’m sorry, our _separation_ — you act as if you’re fine. You’re always laughing with your friends. You’re so happy. You don’t talk to me. You ignore me. It’s like I don’t exist anymore to you. Your sister said you’re not okay and I want to believe that and I almost believed that, especially when you came here today, but a new girlfriend? Ayato, I don’t understand you anymore so do whatever you want— stay or go. I don’t care.”

His sister? When did she talk to Touka? He wants to ask her more about it, but there’s a bigger issue at hand right now.

“You don’t care?” He tugs her closer and she stumbles forward. She doesn’t try to fight him off, not even when he holds her close to him by her shoulders. She simply looks up at him, brows furrowed and probably trying her best to hold her tears in.

“I don’t,” she says.

“Then listen to me. You’re not replaceable, Hinami,” he murmurs honestly.

“So what about that girl?” Hinami asks.

He stops to think for a moment, wondering if he should be honest with her. It’s pathetic. He can’t imagine how he’s going to live peacefully if he ever admits to her that he is doing the same thing that she had been doing— the very thing they broke up over. He can lie to her again. He can come up with an excuse or just keep silent about it as he always does with her.

_Not once have you ever been honest with me, right?_

Hinami is right when she said that and if he lies to her again, she’ll continue to be right. She will probably be able to tell that he isn’t honest with her again and it’ll just upset her even more. He’s always hated Kaneki for making Hinami miserable, but he doesn’t think he’s ever seen Hinami more despaired than she is in right now. Kaneki might not have been able to return her feelings, but he’s never intentionally hurt her or broke her heart. Ayato did, and he probably owes her some honesty in return.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I just wanted to forget you.”

Her eyes go wide. “So you did that?”

“I thought someone else would help me forget you, or at least forget the pain of not having you with me anymore.” He wants to bury himself the moment he sees the change in her expression; it’s so embarrassing to actually say it out loud. She doesn’t say anything initially. She simply stares at him, eyes blinking in what looked like disbelief to him. They stay in that position for a long moment, the heavy silence weighing more and more on him as time goes on. Eventually, he has to break it. “Say something, Hinami. Please.”

And she does. “Do you still love me?” she asks.

“I don’t think I’ll ever stop.” It’s so cheesy. He never thought he could make himself cringe this hard. But it’s true and if Hinami wants him to be honest, he will.

She hesitates for a moment before her hands move, wrapping around his neck and pulling his face closer to hers. “Even right now? Even if I reject you again?” Her voice is softer now, just a whisper, but he hears a tinge of apprehension buried within her.

“Yes.”

“Then, in that case,” she murmurs. She pulls him into a kiss at this moment. It’s gentler this time, no hints of domination or power play. It almost feels loving and perhaps it would be if she actually returned his feelings. She nudges him lightly, urging him to step backwards till he feels the bed against the back of his leg. Hinami pulls away, only to push him to sit on its edge before she crawls onto his lap and starts kissing him again.

She breaks away again and stares at him for a moment. “Do you want to do this?”

“We shouldn’t.”

“You’re right, we shouldn’t,” she says. She grabs the edges of her nightgown and pulls it off her. She isn’t wearing a bra, understandably so since she’s only in her pyjamas. He takes her by her waist, slightly lifting her up before he places her on the bed and crawls over her. He buries his face in the crook of her neck, kissing the skin softly.

“We shouldn’t,” he murmurs again. “We shouldn’t but, fuck. Just for tonight.”

“Just for tonight,” she agrees. She gasps softly as he nips lightly on that one spot he knows so well. He’s grinding his hips against her, rubbing their bodies together. She trembles under him, soft pleas escaping between her parted lips. Her hands are around him, pulling him down and holding him close. “Ayato, please, now.”

She doesn’t want to wait and neither does he. He moves down, pulling her panties off and tossing it aside before he pushes into her. She feels warmer and tighter; she feels closer to him. If the previous time was just them having fun, now there’s not a single hint of it. He’s not having fun, but as he moves inside of her, he feels a small smile on his face.

“Ayato,” Hinami calls softly and he looks up to her face. She’s smiling as well, reaching for him and pulling him in for a kiss again. It’s soft and gentle. Everything feels so simple and satisfying at this moment. It’s hard to think they were both in such messed up situations. Nothing feels complicated anymore, or at least, he doesn’t want to think about them now.

He pulls away from the kiss and rests his forehead on hers. Hinami opens her eyes as well; they’re staring right at each other. He’s able to get a good look of her face now. He can see every lash of her eyes. He can see the different shades of brown in her pupils and the glimmer from the water in her eyes. Her cheeks are shaded in pink. Her brows are furrowed. _Beautiful_ — she’s beautiful.

“I missed you,” he says.

Hinami smiles, so wide that her eyes narrow to little slits, drops of tears falling out from the corners of her eyes. “I’ve missed you too.”

“You were all I could think of.”

“So were you.”

He narrows his eyes at her words. It can’t possibly be true. He’s sure she’d have thought of Kaneki more than him at least. Even at this very moment, she might still be thinking about Kaneki, as she probably always did when they had sex.

“That’s a lie. You thought of him more, didn’t you?” He tries to sound as jokey as he possibly can amidst his pants. He’s getting so close right now. He feels really good; it’s hard to even keep his eyes open to look at her.

“No, I didn’t. I could only— ah,” she chokes out a gasp as she speaks, breaking her statement apart. She shudders under him, squeezing him so tightly that she pulls him over as well. Ayato grits his teeth, wincing as he’s washed over by his climax. His limbs tremble and they give way under him. He’s so exhausted. He had already been tired from the previous time and he doesn’t exactly have the best stamina. He feels like he can barely move right now. He’s lying on her and he feels her arms wrap around his frame, one hand stroking his head gently as the other cradles it. “I didn’t think of Big Brother at all. I only thought of you.”

He’d had responded had he been more awake. But his eyelids are drooping. He hears her words but they feel distant and surreal, as if it’s all part of a dream. He can’t exactly make sense of them. They’re words; he knows what they mean individually. But what does she mean? He’s too tired to think, to sleepy to bother with this. He closes his eyes and it doesn’t feel like it’s going to take much for him to let go.

He feels movements and even with his eyes close, he can tell he’s on the bed now. She’s still holding him; he still feels warm. She’s still stroking him.

“Sweet dreams, Ayato.”

* * *

She wakes up when she feels movement, though it takes awhile for her sight to clear up and for her to orientate herself. Ayato is sitting on the edge of the bed, rubbing his neck. His back is turned to her. The bed is so small that they’d been so close to each other. It’s almost impossible for him not to have woken her up from getting up.

Hinami watches in silent as Ayato stands up, stretching a little. He looks around him before he bends down and starts picking up his clothes.

“Are you leaving?” she asks.

Ayato turns to her, almost surprised to see her up. “Yeah. I should go. It’s way past midnight.”

“If you get seen here, you might get into trouble,” she says. “Boys aren’t allowed in the girls’ wing at this time of the day.”

He grimaces. “What a stupid rule.”

“It is. But you’d get into deep trouble if you’re caught,” she admits. She reaches an arm out to him. “Just come back to bed.”

“Very well,” he sighs. He gets up and turns to crawl onto her bed, only to pause when his eyes seem to have been caught by something on her side table. He stares at it for a moment before he reaches forward and Hinami watches him pick her book up.

“King Bileygr,” he murmurs.

“I was just reading it awhile ago. It’s one of my favorite books,” she says, sitting up.

He stares at it for a moment before he looks over to her. “How does it end? Did the revolution succeed?”

“You’ve read the book too?” She’s surprised. She’s never known him to be much of a reader.

“Ah, someone happened to mention it passingly to me and I was wondering how it ends,” he explains.

“Oh, I see. The revolution succeeds, but not in the way you think it would,” Hinami admits. “They get what they want, but sometimes, you still question if it’s a happy ending.”

“It’s not a happy ending, then?”

“It is a realistic one, I suppose,” she muses. “Some people get what they want. Some didn’t. Some end up forgotten. Even in the new world, there is pain and heartbreak.”

“That’s depressing.” Ayato places the book down on the table and crawls into bed, lying down and pulling her down with him.

“Do you like happy endings, Ayato?” she asks and all she gets is a shrug in return. They lie in silence again and she supposes she should try to go back to sleep. But sleep doesn’t come to her and even though she isn’t facing him, she can tell that Ayato isn’t falling asleep either.

“So, Ayato, did you sleep with anyone else recently?” she asks, making small talk since there’s nothing else to talk about. The question had been burning in her mind since she saw his girlfriend’s messages just now. He had no issues sleeping with her just now so she won’t put it past him to be sleeping with more than one person at the same time.

“Not really,” he admits. “It’s just her.”

“Not even Rio?”

Ayato stiffens and Hinami feels her heart drop, not just at the thought of him sleeping with yet another person but also at the thought he lied to her again. She doesn’t have the right to dictate who he’s sleeping with now, not especially when they’re already living apart, but she has every right to be upset at his lies. It hurts to think he’s still lying to her, even after she had asked him to be honest with her.

She gets up and turns to him, staring down at him. “So you are sleeping with him.”

Ayato blinks at her before he gets up urgently as well, staring at her in confusion. “What made you bring Rio up?”

“Tomoe mentioned that there were rumors about the two of you doing it in high school and I saw you with Rio the other day,” she admits.

“Rio’s one of my closest friends so of course you’ll see us hanging out together,” Ayato snaps. “That doesn’t mean I’m sleeping with him. I hang out with Naki, Miza and the guys more than I do with him. You’re not suggesting I fuck all of them, do you?”

“No! I mean there were rumors about you and Rio so I just wondered,” Hinami admits. “So the two of you never did anything, right?”

“Yeah, about that…” His voice trails off and he looks away, rubbing his chin lightly. He seems hesitant and she knows that— again— he has something he’s hiding and that he’s debating if he should be honest with her. He and Rio probably did it.

“Ayato?”

“We didn’t do anything recently, at least,” he says frankly. He turns to her again. Hinami doesn’t know what kind of expression she has on right now but whatever it is, it is enough to send Ayato into a panic. He raises his hands up and waves them in denial, completely shifting his body so that he’s turned to her. “It’s not like that, really! Listen, that was a long time ago!”

“A long time ago?”

“Yeah! Like back in high school— first year of high school, that is!”

“I thought you said you had a crush on me in high school. But you slept with someone else still. Is that it?” she asks. She doesn’t really feel anger or disappointment right now, but she is curious and partly confused. Ayato must have the wrong idea though. It does seem like he’s freaking out. He probably thinks that he must have upset her more.

“It’s just sex, but no, I hadn’t liked you yet. It was still very early on in high school and we were just messing around,” Ayato explains.

“Was that how you lost your virginity?”

“Well, I guess,” he admits.

“Did it hurt?”

“Yeah, I mean, it was the first time and Rio’s a dumb idiot.”

“Oh, so you were on the bottom, then.”

Ayato falls silent and she watches him pale initially, before his cheeks redden, the blush rising up to his ears and down his neck. “Yes. Yes, I was.” _He’s so cute._ She amuses herself with watching him try his very best to calm himself down, only for the blush to redden even more. He slaps his hands onto his face, covering it entirely. “Stop looking at me like that! Stop it!”

“I’m sorry,” Hinami laughs. “It’s just really cute.”

“I’m not cute!” He peeks out from his hand and glares at her, though it’s simply more amusing.

“Okay, okay, fine.” She gives in, but she continues to laugh anyway. Ayato drops his hands, staring at her with a scowl still on his face. He turns away and crosses his arms.

“Well, is that all you wanted to know?” he grumbles. “Rio and I were just messing around. I had a thing for him in middle school, I guess, but he never liked me back.”

“But what about him saying that he’d take on your last name?” Hinami asks.

Ayato’s brows furrow. “He said he’d take on _my_ surname? Are you sure he mentioned me?”

“No, Tomoe said he said he’s take on the name Kirishima. I just assumed he meant you.”

“Ah, that.” Ayato sighs. He rubs the back of his neck, looking upwards as he smiles a little sheepishly. “You see, he liked my sister back then, or maybe even till now.”

“Touka?”

“Yeah, he liked Touka so that’s probably what he meant by it,” Ayato laughs dryly. “My luck is amazing. My first crush has a thing for my sister and my first love is in love with my brother-in-law. I must have fucked up pretty badly in a previous life or something.”

“I’m sorry.” Her apology comes almost instinctively, though she doubts it actually means anything. She has apologised to him countless of times already— _I’m sorry I keep using you, I’m sorry I don’t love you, I’m sorry I love him, I’m sorry I can’t love you the way you want me to._ She’s always said it so simply to him. She never really knew how messed up everything is until Touka laid everything out. Right now, she wants to apologize properly. After tonight, they may never talk again. She might never get the chance to be honest again. Even though she’s technically not at fault— this whole thing was still _his_ idea— she wants to apologize for the times she did hurt him, even if it was unintentional.

Ayato shrugs off her initial apology. She moves closer to him and places her hand on his arm. “I’m sorry, Ayato. It must have been hard. You were always with me and all I ever talked about was Big Brother, even though he’s the person who hurt you.”

“What are you going on about?” he mutters. “I already told you before. It’s fine. You apologised before and you don’t have to do it again.”

“I didn’t know everything back then,” she admits. “I saw your sister the day before yesterday. She told me everything.”

“Oh, she did, did she? Stupid sister,” he curses. Hinami sees him looking at her from the corner of his eyes. He raises an eyebrow. “So? What did she tell you?”

“Everything, I think.”

“Everything?”

“She told me about the accident and about how Big Brother—”

“She told you that?” Ayato cries out, interrupting her. “I told her not to tell you that, no matter what!”

“But I wanted to know as well.”

“You don’t _need_ to know all that! For fuck’s sake Hinami, I bet you feel pretty fucking terrible right now,” he snaps. Before she can really reply, he continues talking, sounding more annoyed than he was a moment ago. “Listen, forget everything that woman told you. It’s nonsense. None of that happened and there’s nothing that you have to feel terrible about. Kaneki didn’t do anything wrong. It was just an accident. Nothing was his fault. It doesn’t bother me that you love him or anything. I don’t give a fuck about all that— Hey, what are you doing?”

He stops his rambling, his voice taking on a more shaky tone, as she reaches out and lightly caresses his thigh. Ayato gave up soccer after the accident. He probably can’t play anymore because of how badly he must have gotten injured. That must have been the reason he studied hard to enter college; he couldn’t enter the sports school of his choice because he got hurt. Her previous assumption had been wrong.

“You didn’t have a choice in giving up soccer, did you?” she asks.

“No, I didn’t.” He sounds wary in his reply, probably still trying to keep as much as he can from her. Maybe in his own way, he is trying to protect her, to stop her from feeling so terrible about herself. Even if he thinks it’s for the best, she doesn’t think so at all.

“Is that why you worked so hard to come to Kamii? Since you can’t get what you wanted, you decided to do what your father wanted of you,” she continues. Ayato remains silent, eyes fixed on her hand on his leg. It doesn’t seem like he had any intention of talking about it. He might want her to drop it, but she’s tired of being kept in the dark and being fed half-truths. She wants to know everything. She’s already so deeply involved in their mess. She can’t back out now. “Tell me, Ayato. Tell me what happened. Please.”

“Why do you want to know?” It’s all he says. He doesn’t even look at her when he says it, though she would prefer if he does. Hinami lightly grabs his chin, turning him to face her. Ayato’s eyes widen a little, staring at her in slight suspicion. “What?”

“We’ve always talked about me. For once, I want to talk about you,” she says. “If tonight is our last night together, then at least let us end it on an equal footing. Can’t you be honest with me just for this moment?”

She can tell he’s considering her words as he stares at her. There’s a lot of hesitation on his part before he slowly nods his head and relents. “Fine, what do you want to know?”

“You came here because of that, right?”

“Yes. Yes, I did. After the accident, when I realised I can’t play soccer anymore, I didn’t know what to do. I thought, since Dad died like that, because of me, the least I can do is try to live up to his dream, so I wanted to make it to Kamii. But my grades weren’t good enough. Because of soccer, I hadn’t focused on my studies much and you know how hard it is to make it in here.”

“But you managed to, didn’t you?”

Ayato smiles a little— a sad, yet cheeky grin— and nods. “Yeah, because of you.”

“Me? What did I do?”

“Don’t you remember? At the end of high school you tutored me. You remember that, right?” His eyes are wide again.

“I didn’t tutor you. We just studied together a lot, didn’t we?” she says. She tries to think back to back then. She can’t remember what exactly had happened or how things led up to that, but she’s sure she spend her last months in high school with him a lot. They hung out together and studied with each other. It’s the reason why they had gotten close as friends, even though their third year was the only year they weren’t in the same class in school. It’s because of how close they were then that they ended up being close in college, that she agreed to follow him to that party that night and that they had gotten so drunk that the first night leading to everything else had happened.

“You did tutor me!” he argued. “I was an idiot and I had too many questions. You answered all of them for me and explained it so clearly I got everything really fast.”

“I don’t remember it that clearly, I’m sorry. But I’m glad I managed to help out.”

“You didn’t just help me. You saved me. When I didn’t know what to do and when I almost gave up, it’s because you were there that I had a little hope. I didn’t think I could make it to Kamii, I couldn’t play soccer. I didn’t know what to do. Dad was dead and I couldn’t bear to look at Touka or Kaneki. You gave me a shot at something,” he continues. He turns away, the blush returning back to his cheeks. “Though I don’t know if it’s worth it. I might have gotten to Kamii, but after this, what do I do? I only knew soccer and I wanted to make that my career. I’m not really interested in anything else.”

“You can still make it your career,” Hinami points out. His words are slowly weighing in. It does feel good, knowing that she’s at least done something good for him. It makes her feel less terrible about all the pain she’s put him through. Ayato’s looking at her now, his doubts over her precious statement apparent all over his face. She simply smiles in return. “You can’t play it but there’s so many sports-related job out there. You could be a reporter or an analyst. There’s so many possibilities.”

He’s silent as she spoke, his expression blank. It takes a couple of heartbeats before she sees a slow smile bloom on his face. He grabs her by the hand and pulls her to him, onto his lap. Her hands hold onto his shoulders to stable herself after the sudden movement. He’s looking up at her, grinning.

“You’re right. I never thought of that before. Fuck, I really never thought of that,” he says. “You just keep giving me reasons to love you.”

He pulls her into a kiss. She’s still somewhat confused. She hadn’t really completely thought about his admissions earlier on. What he told her about his life, about her, is still fresh in her mind. He isn’t giving her the chance to really think about what he’s said, not when he breaks apart from their kiss only to continue kissing down to her neck, attacking the sensitive spots he knows so well.

“Ayato, wait,” she gasps. “Slow down.”

“You don’t understand,” he murmurs against her skin. Even as the air around them is somewhat cold, his breath is warm. Her skin tingles as it brushes past her, only to burn up more when he presses his lips against her. “You don’t get just how much you’ve done for me. God, I fucking love you.”

He’s nibbling on her skin, probably leaving marks on her just like she had done on him earlier on. Her mind spins from the way he’s touching her. She’s wet again. She wants him inside again. But Ayato clearly has no plans to rush this. He pushes her on the bed and continues kissing and sucking her skin, leaving cool, wet spots around randomly. She can feel his desperation from the way he touches her. She can tell how much he longs for her and how begin this close to her is all that he really wants. She has never understood it, even though it’s always been there.

“Ayato, you never told me before,” she manages to say amidst her gasps and moans. “Why did you fall for me?”

“I just told you less than five minutes ago.”

 _Five minutes ago._ She tries her best to remember what he had just told her. It’s hard to think when he’s touching her like that and making her feel so good. Her mind is already in a mess, falling apart more and more every time his lips brush against her now-sensitive skin. Part of her just wants to forget about the conversation, to just focus on how good he’s making her feel. But she still wants to know. She wants to know everything about him, everything he hadn’t told her before. Now is the only chance she has. So no matter how hard she wants to give up, she doesn’t. She forces herself to recall.

“Wait,” she cries out softly, trying to push him away. Ayato raises his head, fixing her with a partly annoyed glare “You fell for me because I _tutored_ you?”

“Don’t make it sound so dumb,” he scoffs. “Like I said, you gave me a chance when I thought all hope was lost. When I felt alone and depressed back then, it was you who was beside it.”

“I didn’t mean it to be that way. I just thought we were studying,” she admits.

“Well it meant more to me.” He almost sounds childish, scoffing at her like this. But he’s still smiling and that puts her at ease a little. He’s being open and honest and there doesn’t seem to be anything making him uncomfortable. It’s almost like he’s trusting her with what’s always been locked deep inside. She feels his hand on her cheek, lightly stroking her. “It might have been trivial to you, but to me, it meant a lot, which is why I told myself that if there comes a time where you would need me by your side, I would be there for you.”

“Which is what you did.”

“Yeah, which is what I did,” he agrees. He grimaces slightly and lets out a dry laugh. “Well, I didn’t think it would turn out to be _this_ messed up.”

They both fall silent, a slight awkwardness hanging in the air. The atmosphere is heavy. Knowing Ayato’s motivations and past doesn’t really help Hinami feel any better about herself. It’s impossible to really blame herself for it. She didn’t actually do anything _wrong_. It was Ayato’s idea and she had agreed. She might not have done something wrong, but she did give him a difficult time and perhaps, it is really for the best that they end things here.

But as they had agreed, just for tonight, it will be different.

She pushes him down and gets on top of him, immediately jumping right into it. Ayato pulls her along, his hands resting on her hips to help her movements. She doesn’t think she’ll ever get tired of this feeling— him, buried deep inside her. She loves they way it feels whenever he moves in her. She loves the way he pants her name out in broken syllabuses as the pleasure starts to take over. Every moment they spend together like this is precious. She doesn’t think anyone, not even Kaneki, has ever made her feel this satisfied and relaxed. Maybe it’s because she’s never done this with Kaneki before or maybe it’s because she knows she doesn’t have to worry about anything if she’s doing it with Ayato. There’s so many reasons that she can come up with to explain the ecstasy that surges through her. But the fact that this night is their last remains. The moment morning arrives, the moment Ayato steps out the door, this will come to an end for good.

“I don’t want this night to end,” she breathes out.

He sits up, hugging her body to his and nestling his head against her neck, hands still assisting her movements. He gives her a soft kiss. “Me too.”

He feels the same way. The thought gives her a slight hope. Maybe there’s something else that can be done. Maybe there’s still a chance. Maybe there’s another way.

He finishes inside of her with a choke cry of her name, with her following right after. Ayato falls back to lie on the bed, pulling her along with him. He holds her tight as she lies on top of him, completely enveloped by his arms. Ayato’s hold is warm and comfortable. She doesn’t feel alone when he’s around. She feels happy. She feels safe. Hinami raises her head slightly and Ayato looks down to her, their eyes meeting.

“Do we have to end this?” she asks. She knows the answer, but she gives it a shot anyway.

“You don’t want to end it, huh?” he sighs thoughtfully. “Why does it matter so much to you? I’m just a fuck buddy to you, aren’t I? It’s not like this is anything special.”

He’s wrong. He’s more than that. He is special.

“Once you’re gone, I don’t know what to do. You’re the closest person I have,” she admits. She remembers what she told Kaneki all those months ago— _I have one really important person and I think he’s enough for me_.

“That’s not true. You have friends. Tomoe has been really worried about you,” Ayato says.

“Tomoe is a friend, but she’s different from you. I can’t tell her all of these. When you’re gone, it feels like I will be alone again.”

“You won’t be alone,” he says sternly. He frowns slightly, takes a deep breath and continues talking. “Look, one day, someone amazing will come into your life. They’ll sweep you off your feet and they’ll love you deeply as well. That person will make you forget all about Kaneki. When they come, trust me, you will be happy and you’ll never be alone again. So even if it might be hard, you have to stay strong and wait till that person comes, okay?”

“Fine,” she huffs. Ayato chuckles softly and he lightly strokes her hair, watching her with soft eyes. He’s looking at her that way again. Whenever he has that expression, she feels soft and weak inside. It feels as if he’s looking at the most important thing in his life, as if he’s looking at the brightest ray of sunshine in the darkest of forests. Maybe she might be that important to him, but he deserves better. He deserves someone who looks at him this way as well, someone who treats him as well as he’d treat them.

“One day,” she says, choking, “you’ll find that someone too. For yourself.”

She wants him to find his happiness, yet the thought of him finding happiness with someone else makes her uneasy. She closes her eyes and rests against his chest. She pictures him with another woman, living together, starting a family and finding their own happiness. She pictures him living a life without her, without even thinking about her, and she almost feels like crying.

“I don’t think there’ll be anyone else out there for me,” Ayato laughs.

She lets out a sigh of relief in her mind, as selfish as it might seem. She looks up at him again, somewhat doubtful. “Are you sure?”

He grins. “Yeah. You’re the only one for me, Hinami. If I can’t have you then…” He pauses, taking a deep breath. Hinami watches him, anticipating his words. “If I can’t have you then, I’ll have to live with it.”

She almost wishes he had said something a lot different. She’s read a thousand romance books and she’s seen all kinds of boyfriends and lovers. It’s completely out of Ayato’s character, but she imagines him saying a different line and she can’t help the tremble that runs through her.

“ _If I can’t have you then, no one else will_ ,” he says in her fantasy.

Of course, he never would say that. Ayato isn’t the possessive kind, especially not of someone that isn’t even his.

“Ayato?” she calls out softly.

“Yeah?”

“Tonight is our last night, right?”

“Yeah.”

She gets up, straddling him again, and cups his face. They’re merely centimetres apart— so close she can feel his hot breath on her. “Then can I pleasure you over and over again?”

A cheeky grin surfaces on his face. “Of course.”

“Good. How many more rounds can you go?”

* * *

Leaving Hinami is easier said than done. When he wakes up, he doesn’t immediately leave. He lies still in her bed, holding her close without saying a single thing. As long as he doesn’t get up, whatever they have won’t end. As long as he’s holding her, she’s still there by his side. He knows that Hinami is up as well. She wakes up much earlier than him normally. He wonders if she’s thinking the same thing. As long as he doesn’t leave, this will not end.

Eventually it starts getting much brighter and he knows that it’s already late in the morning. He has to go. He can’t procrastinate any longer.

But when he gets up, he’s immediately pulled down into a deep kiss.

“Just one kiss,” she murmurs against his lips before she kisses him again.

The next thing he knows, they’re making out, and then, he’s inside of her again. This is their last time. The thought plays over and over again in his mind as he fucks so deep into her that she’s mewling and crying at the top of her lungs. Her neighbours can probably hear her right now, but she doesn’t seem to care and Ayato can’t too.

He gets up after he comes, even though his body protests and asks him to rest a little. Temptations are too strong. He has kept giving in. He can’t let it happen again. He gets up, pulls on his clothes and grabs his bag, almost forgetting the actual reason he came here— her paper.

“I’ll just put this here,” he says. He drops it on the table and starts to head to the door.

“Ayato,” she calls out. “Wait.”

He’s right at the door. He can still leave. Yet he stops and turns around. She walks over to him and stops right in front of him. She winds her arms around him and, while standing on tiptoes, kisses him again. _Fuck it_. He kisses her back, hard and forceful, spinning her around to push her against the door.

_The last time. This is our last time._

He can’t resist her. He can’t stop himself. Hinami is undoing his pants as they kiss and the moment they’re undone, he hoists her up and enters her. Her legs wind around his waist as he fucks her against the door. He doesn’t last long this time, but he lasts long enough to bring her to another orgasm. They’re both spent by now. It’s not like they really had a good sleep last night. He’s tempted to carry her to bed and climb in again, to sleep with her longer. But god knows what they’ll do if he brings her back to bed.

He needs to stop. Every time he tells himself this, he just ends up fucking her. As long as he’s in her room with her, as long as they’re alone, he will end up giving in.

Ayato puts her down and adjusts his clothes, before opening the door slightly and slipping out. This is the only thing he can do to put a full stop to it all.

“I’ll go now. Thank you for everything. I’ll see you soon.”

He closes the door before she’s able to give a response. It’s the only way. He’ll go back home now, back to Oohashi and back to his Hinami-less life. He’ll have to treat the previous night as simply nothing more than a good dream. It’s easier to pretend it never happen than to go on with the thought that he had given up half way through their separation and fucked her too man times to count in one night.

* * *

“Where were you last night?” Oohashi asks the moment he walks into his apartment. She’s in the kitchen, washing a plate. He watches her and while it hadn’t bothered him as much as it should have last night, the guilt starts crashing down on him. She’s his girlfriend, yet he had slept with someone else.

“I met a friend for a project. Then we lost track of time and I ended up sleeping over,” he lies. Oohashi studies him and for a moment, he wonders if she’s able to see through his lie. A couple of moments later, she shrugs and turns away.

“Well, that’s college for you, I suppose,” she muses. Perhaps dating an older woman has its benefits as well.

He watches her for a moment and starts wondering again why he even got into a relationship with her. He might have tried to use her to forget Hinami, but that hadn’t worked at all. Sleeping with her hadn’t made him feel any better. It had only made him long for Hinami even more. Oohashi feels different from her. It’s not the same feeling he had been craving for all these while. Last night, he had managed to feel it again and right now, immediately after that, he doesn’t think he’d be able to take sleeping with someone else. It will just disgust him even more.

“Oohashi, I’m sorry,” he says and she looks over with a curious expression. “I can’t do this anymore. Let’s end this.”

She doesn’t react much. She remains silent, considering what he told her. Ayato doesn’t wait for her response. His decision is final. He doesn’t need to keep clinging on to someone. He doesn’t need to make the same mistake Hinami did, especially not when he had ended things with her for this very reason. He remembers what he had told Hinami— someday, someone will come— and Hinami had said the same thing to him. _Someday, someone will come._ He recites it in his head a couple of times. Someday, someone will come. That person is not Oohashi and as much as he wishes for it, that person will never be Hinami.

He’d been living his life constantly clinging to the hope that one day, maybe she will turn around. One day, she might fall for him. Perhaps even during the course of this entire separation, he’s been waiting for her to suddenly show up one day and to tell him that she wants him back. She never did that. It’s him who went to her last night. Maybe he really was all she could think about this month, but he doesn’t want to keep his hopes up. There’s a lot of reasons why this could have happened— he hurt her _that much_ or maybe she was just lusting for him. The idea that she might have fallen for him surfaces in his mind, but he discards it immediately. He needs to accept the fact that she will never fall for him. As long as a slight hint of hope exists deep within him, he will always cling to her. Last night will continue to happen.

“What’s gotten into you?” He hadn’t noticed Oohashi coming up to him until she speaks. She climbs onto his lap, kissing him slightly before she nuzzles into his neck. Her fingers fiddle with his jacket, pushing it off his shoulders. “Did something happen? You’re acting weird. If there is anything wrong, you can tell me—” She stops, cutting herself off as she sits up. Her eyes widen, before her brows furrow. She tugs on the collar of his t-shirt, trying to unveil more skin.

“What are you doing?” he sighs.

“What are these marks on your neck?” she asks.

He glances down. It’s hard for him to see from that angle, but he could make out some lightly bruising on his skin. He brings a hand to it, lightly rubbing it. Hinami had left a ton of hickeys all over his body. If Oohashi sees them, he won’t know how to explain. The thought had surfaced in his mind then, but he had forgotten about it almost instantly.

“It’s nothing,” he says.

Oohashi frowns and then stands up. “You were sleeping with someone else last night, weren’t you?”

He has no reason to lie, especially since he’s ending things with her anyway. “Yes, I was.”

“I shouldn’t have expected anything from you, I suppose,” she sighs. “You cheated on that girl, didn’t you?”

He isn’t in the mood to argue. He simply shrugs.

“Was it her you went to see last night?”

“Yeah.”

“So, were you cheating on me last night or were you cheating on her this entire time with me?” she asks. There’s some truth to the question, he supposes. Oohashi probably would be suspicious.

“I didn’t cheat on her.” 

“Well, whatever. I’m leaving,” she mutters. She starts to walk off and then she stops, looking over at him. “You know, me aside, you really shouldn’t break that girl’s heart. She seemed like a good girl who genuinely loves you.”

He almost laughs out loud.


	11. Chapter 11

Normally, she’d be asleep at this time of the day. But she had started a very good book and it’s far too interesting to drop it to go and sleep. In fact, when her phone rang, she’s tempted to ignore it and continue reading. It’s the semester break now and she has no projects or assignments that would require anyone to contact her. She doesn’t even call or text her friends much. Tomoe is rarely on her phone and Hinami doesn’t really have any other friends. She had hung out with Miza and Naki before but she was never really close to them. They were more of Ayato’s friends and when he was with them, she had joined in. But now that Ayato and her barely talked, she doesn’t interact much with them either.

Hinami lets out a sigh. She puts her book down, gets up and walks to her table. Her phone continues to vibrate. The screen is lit and she sees a name that some time ago, would probably have made her very excited. She’s actually surprised that when ‘Big Brother’ continues to flash at her from the screen, she doesn’t hesitate in nervousness, her palms don’t sweat and it doesn’t feel like there’s a change in her heart rate at all. She picks it up casually.

“Hello?”

There are different kinds of sounds aside from Kaneki’s breathing on the other end of the line. She can hear background noises— clinking of glass, laughter and people talking. But she doesn’t hear his voice.

“Big Brother?”

“Touka… is that you?” Kaneki’s voice is soft and haggard.

“No, Big Brother. It’s me, Hinami.”

“Hinami?” he murmurs and for a second, it sounds like he doesn’t recognize the name. A brief moment of silence follows before he coughs and chuckles a little. “Oh! Hinami! What are you doing with Touka’s phone? Did you come over?”

She’s confused for a moment. She checks the phone in the hand. It is hers— Ayato had gotten her that custom-made cover for her birthday in their first year of college. She places it back to her ear. “This is my phone and I’m in my dorm.”

“I am pretty sure I called Touka though,” he sighs. His voice is a little slurred and she’s never heard him like that before.

“Are you drunk, Big Brother?” she asks.

“No, I’m not!”

“You’re drunk, aren’t you? Where are you now?”

“I’m at Miss Itori’s place. Uh… what’s it called again?” He’s louder when he asks for its name, probably directing it at someone else. Whoever is with him, perhaps the Miss Itori he mentioned, answers him, though her voice is too muffled for Hinami to make out. Hinami freezes. A ‘Miss’. He’s at a woman’s place. What does this mean? Who is this Itori anyway? Does Touka know about this?

“Big Brother, where are you again?”

“I told you. I’m at Miss Itori’s place. It’s a bar called Helter Skelter.”

Hinami relaxes. So Miss Itori is probably the owner of the bar he’s at now. She’s still a little suspicious, though. He seems well-acquainted with her. Hinami wonders if Touka knows about this person.

“Big Brother, it’s late. Don’t you think you should be going home—” She’s cut off as she hears some crashing noises, followed by loud voices talking over each other. She tries calling for Kaneki a few times, but there’s no answer. The call continues on without being cut, but Kaneki doesn’t seem to be on the phone anymore.

Her heartbeats might not have picked up just now but now they’re racing. She doesn’t get a response from him at all and she knows that he’s in a shady and probably really dangerous place. Something might have happened to him. Without much hesitation, she takes her coat and pulls it on. As she leaves her dormitory, she pulls up the map on her phone, searching for directions to the place he had mentioned. She wonders if she should inform Touka about it. The last time she had talked to Touka was the day they had gone for lunch together three months ago. After that, she hasn’t seen or heard from her. Touka will probably figure that something is up if she calls her. Hinami really didn’t want to worry Touka, especially not if it turns out to be nothing at all. She’ll check up on Kaneki and then she’ll decide what to do.

* * *

Helter Skelter is a bar in a more quiet part of town. It’s a pretty secluded place. She had to walk through an alley before she could arrive at the entrance. The moment she steps into the area, she already dislikes it. She wonders why Kaneki would even be here. It looks like the kind of place someone like Ayato would hang out in, not Kaneki.

A small lump rise in her throat. Thoughts of Ayato continue to surface in her mind, even at the most random of things. She thought that it would be easier to forget him. After that night they had, it felt like she had gotten to understand his side of things before and that she had gotten the closure she didn’t manage to when he broke it off with her the first time. She believed that it would have made it easier for her to forget him, but it didn’t. She couldn’t stop herself from pulling him back when he was about to leave. They did it twice in the morning even though she had promised herself that night was their last. She didn’t want to let him go. She didn’t want to lose him.

But she did and now she has to live with it.

She shakes her head before she pushes the door and slides in. The bar doesn’t seem too crowded and it’s a lot quieter than she had expected it to be. Things did seem pretty wild when Kaneki had called her but now it looks like everything had died down. There were a couple of others seated around the place, but Hinami finds him at the counter immediately, hunched over and holding a half-filled glass in one hand. In front of him, on the other side of the counter, stands a woman. She’s dressed pretty erotically. Even though she’s wearing a dress that Hinami assumes probably falls to the floor, the back is completely bare and her cleavage is emphasised a lot from the low-cutting collar as well. She’s without a doubt beautiful, despite her heavy make-up. Her hair is bright pink. It’s probably dyed, but it’s a colour that seems to suit her a lot.

That woman is probably Miss Itori.

Hinami walks over to Kaneki and sits on the seat beside him, lightly shaking him. “Big Brother!” she hisses.

Kaneki groans but other than that, there’s not much response. Hinami tries again, shaking him harder.

“He drunk quite a lot today,” the woman says. “I’ve never seen you around before. Such a beautiful girl. Are you perhaps the Touka I keep hearing about? I’m Itori. I run this place. Could I get you anything to drink?”

She really does seem close to Kaneki. Hinami finds herself being wary of this woman. Even if there’s nothing suspicious going on between Kaneki and her, this woman herself is just too shady. “No, it’s okay. I’m good. And I’m not Touka.”

“Oh?” Itori seems surprised. “Kaneki has never mentioned another beautiful girl in his life before. Are you perhaps… his side bitch?” There’s a glint in her eyes as she speaks.

Hinami can probably throw up from the thought. “No, he’s my Big Brother.”

“How adorable! I didn’t know he has a little sister,” Itori laughs, clapping her hands together. “The two of you look nothing alike, though.”

She could admit that they’re not related, but somehow, she feels that it might only bring about more complications. Instead, she shrugs and changes the topic. “I really should bring him home now, so if you’d excuse me.” She turns back to him, trying to shake him again.

“That’s easy,” Itori says. Hinami pays no mind to her, though she can see the woman moving about from the corner of her eye. She’s still shaking Kaneki when it happens. One moment, everything is normal and the next, his head is wet and he’s jumping to his feet. Hinami looks over at Itori, who’s holding an empty glass in her hand with a smirk.

“What’s the big deal, Miss Itori?” Kaneki groans aloud. “I’ve had a long day.” 

“Your dear little sister here is trying to take you home but you’re not waking up so I thought I’d help her.”

“Huh?” Kaneki frowns and then looks to Hinami, taking his seat in the process. “Oh, why are you here, Hinami?”

“You called me and then you stopped talking all of a sudden and I heard some weird noises so I was worried and I came to check up on you. Is everything okay?” she asks.

“Everything is fine,” Kaneki insists.

“So what was the noise?”

“I don’t know.”

“Nothing really happened. If you’re the one he was calling just now, some fight was happening and someone happened to bump into him in the process and he turned his attention away from his phone. He must have forgotten about the call,” Itori sighs. It seems like she’s about to talk some more but a middle-aged man appears and sits down three seats away. Itori excuses herself and goes to him instead.

“Come on Big Brother, let’s go home already,” Hinami sighs, tugging on his arm.

“Let me finish this drink first,” he murmurs. She watches him. At the speed in which he’s sipping the drink, it’s going to take a long time. “You can go back first if you want.”

“No, you’re too drunk to be going home by yourself,” Hinami sighs.

“I’m fine. I’m not that drunk.”

“You were asleep when I came in,” she points out.

“I had a long day at work and I came here for more information. I’m not so drunk that I cannot return home on my own, Hinami,” he says.

“Drunk people do stupid things. You’re not fine.”

“That sounds like experience,” Kaneki chuckles. “Didn’t think you were the type to drink. What happened?”

“It was only once,” Hinami admits, turning away from him. She hesitates before she speaks again. She’d rather not tell him about this, but if Touka knew what was going on between her and Ayato, she won’t be surprised if Kaneki does too. Maybe she might get something out of being honest with him as well. Her feelings for Kaneki aside, it’s also true that she misses the time she was able to confide in him about everything, back when they were still close and he really felt like an older brother. Siblings confide in each other a lot, don’t they? It’s the impression she got from the books she’s read before. “I lost my virginity.”

Kaneki’s silent for a moment. He takes a sip of his drink and places it down before he starts to rub his temples. There’s a slight grimace on his face. “Touka is right. You’re not a little kid anymore. I need to stop thinking that way,” he sighs.

“What do you mean?”

There’s another moment of silence from him as he stares at his glass, rubbing the sides with his thumb. His face seems thoughtful. Perhaps he’s remembering the conversation he and Touka had when she had told him that. He places it on the countertop, crosses his arms and lets out a sigh.

“You and Ayato… when Touka told me the kind of relationship the two of you have, I didn’t like it at all,” Kaneki admits. Hinami feels her cheeks heat up immediately. She never wanted Kaneki to find out about this, but she had never told Touka to keep it a secret from him either.

“Big Brother, about that,” she says quickly, “we’re not doing it anymore.”

“Yes, but you’ve already done it, haven’t you?” he laughs. “You’re already over 20. You’re an adult now. Even though to me you’ll always be that little girl I had to look after at one point, I have to move on from that thought and accept that you’re all grown up.”

“Is that so?” Her cheeks are probably still red. Yet, this embarrassment doesn’t feel like those in the past which had her timid and sheepish around Kaneki. It feels like Kaneki is doting on her too much and Hinami simply has no idea how to deal with all the attention he’s giving her. She really has changed after all.

“Ayato is…” Kaneki pauses to take a sip and then stare blankly at a wall for a second or two before continuing, “Ayato and I have our differences. Things have happened in the past that can’t be undone. I don’t think I will ever forget all the pain he has put Touka through and he definitely will never forget what I did to him. Even then, he’s really worried both Touka and I a lot the past few years. I tried my best to look for him and with my resources and my job, I could, but Touka wanted to give him space so I had left it be. Still, she continued to worry about him like the caring big sister she is.”

Kaneki chuckles to himself and takes another sip. It feels weird sitting with him and talking to him about this of all things. Hinami doesn’t know how exactly to take all this. She remains silent, not knowing what to say. She’s supposed to move on from Ayato, but here she is talking about him and thinking about him again.

Just like every single day since they’ve separated.

“Despite all that happened,” Kaneki continues, “he’s a good person deep down, Hinami. I know he’ll take care of you so please take care of him too. The two of you suit each other.”

And now, her heart starts to race and it’s almost hard to breathe. The place is well-ventilated and it is far from being crowded and stuff. But even then, it’s suffocating. Kaneki’s words hang in the back of her mind like an added burden. _The two of you suit each other._ She feels like choking. She feels like being honest. _No. No, we don’t suit each other._ She can’t suit him, especially not after how much of an idiot she had been around him and how much she had unknowingly done to hurt him.

“We’re not together anymore,” she admits.

“Huh?” There’s genuine surprise in his voice as he turns and looks at her. Hinami wonders if Touka had told him about this too. Maybe he’d forgotten, or maybe Touka really didn’t. Either way, he seems completely taken aback and Hinami can see it in his eyes that he doesn’t believe her.

“We stopped doing _that_. We promised to stay on as friends but we barely spoke after that unless we really need to. It’s awkward being around him. I can’t even look him in the eyes when we pass each other in hallways,” she sighs.

“You two broke up?”

“Didn’t Big Sister tell you?”

Kaneki frowns. “Touka? She didn’t tell me anything.”

“Big Sister told us the kind of relationship we had wasn’t healthy and she’s right. We’ve only been using each other and it just became too complicated for either of us to bear,” Hinami says. “I shouldn’t have done it. Because Ayato was in love with me, maybe he really wanted it but I was never in love with him so I should have objected to it.”

Kaneki’s frown doesn’t falter. He simply stares at her for a long while before speaking. “I think you’re misunderstanding a lot of things.”

It looks like she’s getting herself into another lecture. First with Touka and now with Kaneki.

“Like what?” Hinami asks.

“Well for starters, are you sure you’re really not in love with him?”

It’s almost instinct for her to deny any attraction to Ayato, especially when she’s talking to Kaneki. But she hesitates. The truth is, she still doesn’t know what kind of feelings she has for him. He’s important to her. Living without him right now makes her feel empty. She still longs to touch him again despite the long night they had shared with each other before separating.

Kaneki watches her for a moment, but it seems like her silence gave him the answer he needed. He turns away and takes another drink. This time, he chugs the remaining liquid down, finishing it all in one go, before slamming the cup on the countertop.

“You’re still not all that grown up after all,” he muses.

“Big Brother?”

“It’s cute how lost and confused you are right now,” Kaneki chuckles. “But listen to me, Hinami, you are in love with him.”

This time, her instincts take over. “No, Big Brother, I definitely am not in love with him! Ayato isn’t even my type and I’m not really into hot guys either. The one I love is you and—” She stops, cutting herself off immediately. But it’s too late by then. She’s said it and Kaneki clearly heard it.

It’s all over now. He found out. They won’t be able to keep this relationship any longer. It’s going to be too awkward. Maybe he might even find her strange and creepy, to fall for the older brother figure in her life. Maybe he’s going to be warier around her now. Maybe he’s going to cut her off completely. She doesn’t want that— not at all.

Ayato’s already gone. She doesn’t want anyone else to leave.

She expected a weird expression on Kaneki’s face but when she gets the courage to look up at him, he only seems thoughtful. He doesn’t even look shocked. In fact, he’d seem more surprised when she said she wasn’t in love with Ayato.

“Big Brother, about that—”

“Hinami,” he cuts in, sighing softly. His voice is soft and gentle, just like the Big Brother she had always known and loved. “You’re not in love with me.” 

“No, Big Brother, I was— I am. My feelings for you are real,” she says. She can’t bear to look at him. It’s too embarrassing. She’s terrified. She doesn’t know what this would mean for them. She doesn’t know how he’s going to handle it. “I know this might come as a big shock but I hope this doesn’t change anything about us. I won’t come between you and Touka or—”

“It’s not really a shock, not right now at least,” Kaneki interrupts again. “Touka had told me a while back that she suspects you liked me and well, it was a shock back then. Maybe you might have those feelings for me at one point and maybe they were real back then but I know for a fact that it’s not the case now.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Do you remember that rainy night when Ayato came over to our place? You had thought something happened to him and you came here too, right?”

Of course, she remembers that day. It was the day that changed everything.

“Yes.”

“Do you remember what happened when you entered my place?” Kaneki asks.

She takes a moment to think hard and she realises she doesn’t. She’d been a mess at that point. She was so worried that she hadn’t cared about anything but Ayato. She was trying her best to look for him. Nothing else registered in her mind except that she had to find him and she had to make sure he’s safe. She can’t remember anything, aside from finding Ayato in the living room and pulling him into a heated make-out session. She wonders if Kaneki was talking about that. He had caught them after all.

“That was… I thought he was going to do something to himself and I was worried. I lost myself in the worry and kissed him and then things started getting more heated and that’s all!” Her voice gets muffled the more she speaks. It’s too embarrassing admitting all these to Kaneki, even though she knows he saw it all.

“Not that,” Kaneki sighs with a slight annoyance lingering in his eyes. “I mean when you first stepped in. You couldn’t be bothered to give me a second glance, you were not listening to what I was saying and you pushed me away a couple of times. It’s like you were possessed or something. All the time I was holding you, you were trying to pull away from me. It’s quite hard for me to believe you’re in love with me when you acted like that.”

“I was worried, Big Brother.” She doesn’t know why she’s arguing with him. What’s the point of continuing this conversation? What does it even matter who she likes? Kaneki is married and she has no chance with him. Ayato doesn’t want her anymore— he shouldn’t.

“In my line of work, I’ve seen a lot of worried people. I can tell from your eyes. You weren’t worried about any random friend. There’s something different about him— something special,” Kaneki says.

Kaneki’s words are so cheesy and absurd. Hinami knows it must be the alcohol talking. She shouldn’t take any of this seriously. She hopes he doesn’t remember this conversation when he wakes up the next day. She knows that she’s the kind to forget whatever had happened when she’s drunk. Till now, she can’t recall the first time she slept with Ayato. He’s able to remember it so he’d told her about it, but since she can’t remember, the experience still feels foreign, like she’s watching a scene from the lenses of a third party.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she huffs. “You’re too drunk.”

“Drunk or not, I’m not blind and I wasn’t drunk then,” Kaneki argues. “Hinami, listen, when I saw you the other day, I realised that you’d do anything for him without even realising it.”

“He’s just a good friend, Big Brother. Why can’t I be this dedicated to a friend? He still is important to me,” she insists.

“Why are you so desperate not to be in love with him?” Kaneki asks, genuinely interested. He scoots closer to her and raises an eyebrow. “Won’t it be easier if you really are in love with him? That complicated and weird relationship you had won’t be complicated anymore, will it?”

She wonders why herself. She remains silent, thinking about it. She’s yet to come to an answer when she feels Kaneki shifting closer and she turns to see his face merely inches away from hers. He’s close enough for her to feel his breath on her, for her to see the minute details of his face and for her to bask in the complete attention he’s giving her. Kaneki has never looked at her like this before and he’s never been this close to her before. This is everything she’s ever wanted.

Or so she thought.

“Big Brother?”

“Can I ask you a question?” he asks slowly, voice deep as he takes his time to articulate every word. He sounds… _sexy_.

She forces the lump down her throat. Her palms are starting to sweat a lot. “What is it, Big Brother?”

“If I’m not married right now, what will you do?”

Her eyes go wide at this. Kaneki’s close enough for her to see herself reflected in his eyes. She looks like a total idiot– confused and somewhat flustered. She considers his question, genuinely pondering over it. If he’s not married right now, she can do whatever she wants. If he’s not married, they won’t be cheating or betraying anyone. If he’s not married, there’s nothing stopping her from getting what she wants.

_If I can’t have you, then I’ll have to live with it._

She feels suffocated. Her eyes are burning.

_One day, someone amazing will come into your life. They’ll sweep you off your feet and they’ll love you deeply as well._

She feels like crying.

_That person will make you forget all about Kaneki._

Her stomach churns. She feels like throwing up.

_When they come, trust me, you will be happy and you’ll never be alone again._

This is everything she ever wanted, right? Even as she keeps reciting it in her head, it hurts all over. Her hand moves to her chest, clutching her top.

_So even if it might be hard, you have to stay strong and wait till that person comes, okay?_

She made a promise to him.

_Ayato…_

“No, I–”

Kaneki looks away and she stops. He raises his head. His face lights up, as if he recognises someone from behind her. “Oh, Ayato?”

Hinami freezes. He’s right behind her. God knows how long he’s been there. Kaneki had been watching her. He wouldn’t have noticed it either if Ayato had been there earlier on. He might have seen them; he might have seen them being so close. She can’t even start to imagine how it’ll feel for him to see her and Kaneki sitting this close, looking into each other’s eyes. He might get the wrong idea.

 _He might think something is going on_.

She doesn’t want him to think that way at all.

“Ayato! This isn’t what it looks like!” She’s up on her feet, screaming as she turns around. Only, she doesn’t see Ayato. The only person before her is the old man sitting a few seats down, who’s too drunk to pay any mind to her, and Itori who was serving him. Itori looks over at her and raises an eyebrow and Hinami turns away immediately, glaring at Kaneki. Her heart is still racing in her chest. She’s breathing hard. Sitting in silence now, Hinami realises just how unsettled she had gotten from that small incident. Kaneki, on the other hand, is sitting upright and watching her with a victorious expression.

“Big Brother, what was that?” she hisses.

“You got really worked up over him,” Kaneki muses.

“I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea! What if he tells Touka about it?” Hinami cries out. Kaneki raises his eyebrow at her in complete disbelief and he’s right to feel that way, she supposes. Touka hadn’t crossed her mind at all. It wasn’t the thought of Touka that had prompted her to say something. It was the thought of Ayato seeing them and getting the wrong idea. Somehow, for some reason, Hinami hadn’t wanted Ayato to think that there’s something going on between her and Kaneki.

_What is this feeling?_

“Well whatever you say,” Kaneki sighs. He gets up, slamming a couple of notes onto the countertop. “I should go home now. Touka would probably still be up waiting for me.”

He sways as he walks and Hinami knows that she really shouldn’t let him go off on his own, even if he isn’t driving. She gets up and follows after him.

“I’m coming with you. I’ll send you home,” she says.

“All the way home?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah but he is–” Kaneki pauses, frowning for a moment before he smiles and nods. “Okay. Thanks, Hinami!”

* * *

“This is boring,” Ayato says, amidst his yawn. Beside him, Touka nods in agreement. Despite their boredom though, both siblings continue to watch the action movie playing on the tv. Ayato has no idea what’s going on anymore. The plot was lost to him halfway through the movie. The actors and actresses are pretty good looking but there’s only so long before he starts losing interest in watching hot people do the same stunts over and over again. His mouth itches for a stick but he’s made a promise to himself not to smoke in Touka’s house. “Sis, why aren’t we in bed again?”

“You can go to sleep if you want to. I’m waiting for Kaneki. I have no idea what that idiot is up to so late in the day,” Touka says flatly, eyes still glued to the screen. Even though she’s looking in the direction of the television, she looks preoccupied. Something must be bothering her.

“What’s so special about the gem they’re protecting, again?” he asks.

Touka shrugs. “I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Then what were you doing?”

“I was thinking about stuff,” Touka admits.

“Stuff?”

“You, mainly.” He looks over at her. Even though she had started talking about him, she’s still not looking at him. The two of them are silent for a short moment before Touka sighs and slumps further in her seat. “How are you doing?”

He knows where this is going the moment she asks him that question but he chooses to feign innocence. “I’m fine.”

“I find that hard to believe when you keep coming here to sleep over almost every night,” Touka points out.

“You want me to come home more, don’t you?”

“I do and I’m really glad you do come back frequently,” Touka says, though her voice betrays her bitterness. She turns and looks at him, frowning. “Why don’t you just move back in here then? You’re wasting money on rent.”

“Not a chance,” he scoffs.

“Why?”

“Why? Because…” Ayato pauses. He had immediately discarded the idea of moving in; it had been almost instinctive. It would be financially easier on him if he simply moved back home. He and Touka aren’t on bad terms anymore so there’s nothing keeping him apart. He had broken up with Oohashi and she had left the place, which meant he’s just alone in there. Hinami and him are supposed to remain as friends, but she still keeps her distance from him. She’s not living with him anymore.

_But what if she comes back?_

He brings his knees up onto the couch and hugs them tightly, eyes returning to the tv screen. There’s nothing going on much in the film now. The main characters are having a heated, intimate moment after narrowly escaping danger with their lives— a very generic and boring scene.

“I need space for my fishes,” he says flatly after a long time of silence. Touka’s sigh comes immediately. Glancing at her from the corner of his eyes, she sees her shaking his head.

“There’s enough space here for your fish tanks,” Touka says.

“Fine. I can’t smoke in here with Ichika around,” he snaps.

Touka frowns. “Then you can just drop the habit entirely.”

“Never happening.”

“You could do it outside the house. No one would have a problem with that,” Touka points out. He falls silent again, trying to think up another excuse. When he’s silent, Touka smirks and continues, “You worried that you won’t have the privacy to bring girls home or something?”

“No,” Ayato snorts. “I don’t even bring any home.”

“Sure you don’t.” Touka doesn’t sound like she believes him and she would be right on that aspect. He does bring girls home, but it’s never a frequent thing. Aside from Hinami, there were only two others times this year and they were with the same girl, whom he’s very sure isn’t going to appear before him anymore.

“Maybe I should consider moving,” he relents. _Maybe it’s for the best._

“What if Hinami comes back then? You gonna ask her to live here too?”

He tries his best not to react much, but his body language must have given more away than he intended it to. When he turns to Touka, she’s smirking at him victoriously. He can’t help the way his throat tightens up or the way his heartbeat picks up when she mentioned Hinami. He doesn’t have an idea what kind of expression he has on right now. But even without him saying anything, Touka has it all figured out.

He could really use a stick now.

“She won’t come back,” he says. She shouldn’t. He shouldn’t let her. 

“You sound really disappointed,” Touka chuckles. “I didn’t tell you about this at all but a while back, I met Hinami. We talked a lot. I got to know her better.”

“I know. She told me.”

“She did? I thought you guys weren’t talking anymore.”

“I met her the day after to pass some of her work to her. We talked a bit,” he recounts. “Hinami told me that you told her everything, even the things I don’t want her knowing. Why did you do that?”

“I wanted her to know. It isn’t fair that she only knows half the story,” Touka says it frankly. He knows from her tone that no matter what he tries to say or do, Touka won’t change her mind. To her, this is the right thing.

“She got hurt by it.”

“Knowing that we were hiding stuff from her also hurts her. At least with this information, she’s given the chance to come to terms with it herself and move on afterwards.”

“I hope she gets over it quickly,” he murmurs. “I don’t want her being held back by this.”

“Really? You don’t want it at all?” Touka snickers. “The thought doesn’t appeal to you at all? Hinami thinking about you every day, every moment of her life? Don’t you want to be that important to her as well? Oh, you’re turning red.”

His cheeks are burning indeed. He feels terrible about it but Touka isn’t completely wrong. It never used to matter to him what kind of relationship they had as long as he could be close to her. Maybe he really was acting selfishly all along. Sometimes he finds himself wondering: was everything really about making her feel better or was it about making himself feel better? What does it matter how she feels if he could sleep with her? He can’t be her boyfriend but he had her in bed, he was her first and he was the one she’s only ever been with for now. Hinami’s a popular girl and a lot of guys would die for the chance to do anything with her; but it’s only Ayato who’s been able to touch her, kiss her and fuck her almost every night when they were together. It was a good arrangement for him. He had nothing to lose.

_No._

He shakes his head. _No_. That isn’t it. That’s never been it. He doesn’t want to think that way, not even to comfort himself.

He doesn’t care about those other guys. It wasn’t supposed to be about him. It was supposed to be about her. It was supposed to be about making her feel better. Just thinking about all this is making him feel really sick. It’s too tiring to think about it. He doesn’t have the energy to do it. Maybe if he could smoke something now it would be good. Perhaps he should head back to his apartment that night instead of staying here. Touka might be fine with him smoking on the porch, but he doesn’t have any cigarettes with him. He had made a vow to himself that Ichika should never see him with them. He doesn’t even know why he did that. Pretend as he might, the fact still remains that he’s probably the worst person she’s associated with right now.

“Ayato.” He turns to his sister when he hears her voice. Touka isn’t smiling anymore. Her face is more serious now. Her brows are furrowed. She’s leaning towards him a little. “Hey, I was just teasing you. Ayato? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” It’s obvious from his tone that it’s a lie but Ayato couldn’t care much about it. He’s with Touka. He has nothing to hide from her.

“You know, I’m actually glad I had that talk with Hinami,” Touka admits with a sigh. She scoots over to him so they’re now seated beside each other, arms touching. “We talked about a lot things. She told me stuff about you I didn’t know as well.”

“Like what?” Ayato can’t think of something about him that Hinami would know which Touka didn’t. Hinami doesn’t know anything about him. He’s never told her anything about himself. He never wanted to worry her with his problems, especially when she has her own issues to deal with.

“You know, about Dad.” Touka’s a little hesitant as she speaks. Their father is still a sore topic. Even when they had made up, she hadn’t brought it up and neither did Ayato. He was the reason they both fell out completely in the first place. As much as he hadn’t confessed out loud, Ayato is happy to be reunited with his family. He doesn’t want them to fight again. Bringing up their father was too much of a risk. But here Touka is mentioning him. Ayato isn’t sure if he should keep the conversation going or end it before things got bad. Touka doesn’t end up giving him a choice though. She simply continues talking. “It feels a little weird saying this but, I always thought it was my fault, you know. If I hadn’t told him about your accident, maybe he’d still be here. If I hadn’t said it over the phone, maybe it wouldn’t have been that big of a shock. Maybe I could have done things differently. If I hadn’t fallen for Kaneki—”

“Don’t,” he cuts in. “None of those are your fault, especially not the last one. Kaneki is… good for you.”

He sees a small smile surfacing on her face. “Yes, he really is good for me. He’s so important to me, you know? I’m happy I met him. I’m happy to be married to him. I can never ask for a better husband. But when I’m missing Dad I sometimes find myself wondering if he’d still be around had Kaneki and I not gotten together. If Kaneki wasn’t there with us, the accident wouldn’t have happened. Dad wouldn’t be dead. Maybe… I should have gone there myself, without bothering Kaneki. Or if I hadn’t only thought about myself. Or—”

“If I hadn’t gotten into a fight with those boys, you wouldn’t have had to come to fetch me. If I hadn’t been an asshole and picked a fight with Kaneki, he wouldn’t have pushed me. In the first place, if I hadn’t caused Dad so much stress in the beginning, his health might have been better. There are so many reasons all those things happened, Sis, and when you look at the chain of events, there’s nothing suggesting that you were the cause of it,” he says.

“So Hinami was right,” Touka murmurs. “You do blame yourself for it.”

It sounds pathetic when Touka says it like that. Ayato scowls and turns away from her. “It’s not that. I don’t blame myself at all. I’m just saying that if you want to find the cause of the accident, it’ll be me so you don’t have anything to blame yourself for.”

“It’s not your fault, Ayato.”

“It’s not yours, Touka.”

Touka laughs a little. It’s easy for them to say such things. Telling the other that they’re not at fault isn’t hard at all. But admitting that they themselves hadn’t done anything wrong would be harder, especially after three years of punishing themselves for it. It’s been a while since their father had died, but neither had moved on from this tragedy, simply clinging onto whoever they had left by their sides after it all went downhill— Touka to Kaneki; him to Hinami. They hadn’t had each other when they needed each other the most. But now, maybe they could make amends.

“I hadn’t been to Dad’s grave since the time you brought me after I got discharged from the hospital,” Ayato admits.

“I go there every Sunday,” Touka says.

“Then, is it okay if I come along as well?”

Touka smiles again. “Sure. I’ll be happy to have some company.”

* * *

He’s on the verge of dozing off when he hears the doorbell. Touka gets up and starts heading over. It’s probably Kaneki. She had been up waiting for him anyway. Touka hadn’t said anything about it but Ayato could tell that it’s gotten late enough that she was starting to worry about him.

Ayato picks up the remote control and starts changing the channels. There’s really nothing on the tv. Everything is such a bore. He hears voices in the background but he doesn’t pay much attention to it. Touka seems to be annoyed with something. Kaneki must have been out doing something stupid and Touka probably feels stupid for worrying about him. The thought puts a small smirk on his face.

And then he freezes, right as he hears a familiar voice.

Ayato’s throat clenches up. He’s staring right at the tv but nothing on it seems to register in his mind. He’s too focused on that voice— Hinami’s voice. Why is she here? Why is she coming back with Kaneki? What were the two of them up to so late in the night? His mind jumps straight into the worst possible solutions, images that make him want to throw up surfacing in his mind.

 _No._ Kaneki would never do that. He’s too loyal to Touka for anything to happen. He might not get along with his brother-in-law, but Ayato knows that he can at least trust Kaneki when it comes to this.

He hears footsteps and he gets up, walking forward a little. He stops the moment Touka and Kaneki come into sight.

“I don’t know why I wait up for you sometimes,” Touka scoffs, marching on ahead as Kaneki trails after behind her.

“I’m sorry, Touka. Listen to me. I promise you I wasn’t out drinking! I went to see Miss Itori for some information and she offered me some drinks and that’s about it.”

Their petty argument over that continues as Touka heads towards her bedroom and Kaneki follows after her. He can’t hear them the moment the door slams shut but he’s sure that they’ll make up in a matter of minutes like they always do. Kaneki and Touka argue over the silliest of things, but he supposes that is what makes them such a good couple in the first place. No matter what the argument is, Ayato knows that they will never fall apart and they know that too.

“A-Ayato?” He hears that voice again, this time in a loud, sharp gasp.

Here he goes. He turns his head towards it and she comes into view. Hinami is staring at him in disbelief. Her fists clench harder around the strap of her small bag. She looks so pale– like she’s seen a ghost.

“Hinami,” he greets. He tries to keep his voice as steady as possible but he still sounds like he’s gotten pins in his throat. He wants to pretend he doesn’t care about her— he shouldn’t anymore— but just seeing her face is enough to send him spiralling down into the depths.

He’s really a hopeless case, huh?

Hinami stares at him for a couple of heartbeats, before her eyes widen and she turns away. Her face reddens. “W-what are you doing here?” she asks quickly.

What a ridiculous question. This is his sister’s place. This is his home. There’s nothing weird about him being here. It’s weird that _she’s_ here. But instead of pointing that out, he simply shrugs. “I wanted to see my niece so I decided to come over and it got late so I’m staying the night.” That’s a lie. But there’s no way he’s going to admit to Hinami that he couldn’t bear staying in a place that reminded him so much of her, that he felt it would be easier to get over her if he surrounded himself with other people rather than live in silence with nothing but cigarettes and alcohol to distract him from his own thoughts and memories.

“I see,” she murmurs. She fiddles with her bag, still refusing to look at him. Her hair falls forward and he can’t see her face any longer. He can’t tell if she’s still blushing. Probably not. Even if she is, he shouldn’t think too much about it. She’s likely just embarrassed. Nothing more.

“What are you doing here?” he asks. He’s stupid. He doesn’t know why he’s continuing the conversation. He shouldn’t do this. He should just walk away right now and pretend she isn’t here.

“Big Brother was drunk so I thought it would be better if I escorted him back home,” she admits.

“Oh, so you were with Kaneki all the while, huh?”

Hinami stiffens and she turns to him immediately, her fingers grasping her bag strap so hard that her knuckles are turning white. Her face is completely red and her eyes are wide and teary. “Nothing happened between us I swear!”

Her outburst is so sudden that even Ayato is taken aback for a moment. Hinami looks so flustered; she turns away the moment she realises her words. He doesn’t think her face can get any redder but it does. This is starting to get really weird. She’s never blushed this hard before, not even when they were having sex.

He stops himself there. That’s the last thing he needs right now. Picturing Hinami in bed isn’t going to get him anywhere good. What he needs to do now is to leave her, go to his room and get to bed. He’s right about to leave when Touka returns, sighing as she rubs the back of her neck.

“What a pain… I’m sorry about the bother, Hinami. Thank you for accompanying him back,” Touka sighs.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Hinami admits softly. “He was drinking so I got too worried about leaving him alone.”

“Yeah. I don’t think he’s that drunk but you can never be too safe. People do stupid things when they’re drunk after all,” Touka laughs a little.

“I-I know. That’s why I followed him back,” she whimpers. Her body’s stiffer again and Ayato knows exactly what she’s thinking about right now. God, if he hadn’t been an idiot that night and gave in to her, all this wouldn’t have happened. They’d still be just friends. His feelings for her would just be a simple one-sided attraction instead of the mess that it is right now. There would be nothing stopping him from being by her side. There are so many things that went wrong because of that one night. Touka is right; people do stupid things when they’re drunk.

“I’m going back now,” Hinami says. “It’s good to see you, Big Sister.”

 _Big Sister?_ When did Hinami and Touka get that close? Ayato turns to Touka, hoping for some answers, but Touka’s attention is still fixed on Hinami. She’s frowning right now. Touka glances at the clock on the wall and then back to Hinami.

“It’s too late for you to be walking back by yourself,” Touka argues. “Stay the night.”

Hinami’s eyes widen. There’s no hiding that the suggestion horrified her. “No, it’s fine. I don’t want to impose!”

There’s also no hiding that she glanced at him when she spoke. Though she really had nothing to worry about. If she does take up the suggestion, he’d leave for his apartment on the pretence that he has something urgent to tend to.

“You’re not imposing. We don’t have extra rooms so you can easily just sleep in Ichika’s room. I could get a futon out for you. It’s not that hard,” Touka says.

Hinami glances at Ayato again before she shakes her head. It’s either she’s not bothering to be inconspicuous and wants him to know how uncomfortable he’s making her feel or she’s too flustered that she’s doing it subconsciously. At this point, Ayato doesn’t even know which one he prefers.

“It’s fine. I really should be getting back to my dorm before it closes,” she says.

“Oh, is that the case?” Touka murmurs thoughtfully.

Ayato glances at the clock. Hinami is lying. Her dorm had closed hours ago. He really ought to point that out. But if he does, Touka might force Hinami to stay here. The streets aren’t _that_ dangerous right? He’s been out there at this hour before. It’s not like he’s gotten killed or anything before. But Hinami’s a girl— a really pretty girl at that. There’s no way it will be safe for her. It would take just _one_ creep and god knows what could happen to her. Ayato doesn’t know what to do. He wants her to be safe of course. But they had promised not to get involved with each other anymore, hadn’t they? He can tell Hinami glanced at him again and he knows that she saw him looking at the clock. She knows full well that he had noticed what’s going on. She’s probably waiting for a reaction from him as well.

What would she think if he said nothing? Would it hurt her if he doesn’t care?

It doesn’t matter either way. Touka continues talking before he’s able to say anything.

“Well, then, I guess I’ll see you soon?” Touka says, smiling a little. She pulls Hinami into a brief hug, but as she pulls away, she pauses and turns to look at Ayato. “Actually, since you’re here, why don’t you walk her back?”

“What? No! That’s fine!” Hinami cries out before Ayato could even finish processing what his sister had just said. “I’ll be okay. I’ll get home myself. It’s fine. The streets are safe. I won’t walk into dark alleys—”

“Bullshit,” Touka cuts in. “Anyway, it’s better to be safe than sorry, right?”

He wants to scream at Touka. She’s the one who told them to part ways in the first place. But he knows that Touka is right. He’s never going to forgive himself if something ever happens to her because he has too much pride to forget a stupid agreement and walk her home.

“No, it’s okay! I’m fine by myself.”

“That’s stupid. I can’t leave you on your own out there.”

Hinami is still trying to turn the suggestion down, pushing Touka away and shaking her head while Touka keeps forcing the idea. It looks like neither of them are going to back down.

“The streets are safe!”

“Hinami,” he sighs. Hinami freezes but she doesn’t turn to him. “It’s fine. I don’t mind walking you back.”

“I don’t think…” she trails off, shaking her head while still fiddling with the strap of her bag. If she really doesn’t want it, he supposes he can’t force her. He’s right about to give up when he catches Touka’s eyes. His sister is staring at him demandingly and he knows Touka isn’t going to give either of them an option. Ayato sighs and walks forward, taking Hinami’s hand and tugging her towards the door. “Come on, let’s go.”

“I really don’t need you to—”

“Shut up.”

* * *

Ayato doesn’t let go of her hand even when he’s pulling her out. Hinami doesn’t know if he’s doing it knowingly or if he simply just forgot to let go. She supposes it’s the latter. He doesn’t look too pleased about being out with her right now. He’s only here because Touka didn’t give him a choice. The atmosphere around them is already awkward enough. Knowing that he doesn’t want to be here just makes it worse, especially when her mind is still reeling from her conversation with Kaneki.

_Are you sure you’re not in love with him?_

Her heart is going to leap out of her chest simply thinking about it. She dares herself to look up, staring ahead at Ayato’s back. She doesn’t want to even consider the thought that she might be in love with him and that too, at such a point in time. How would Ayato even react if— hypothetically speaking— she suddenly confesses to him right now? Would he be happy? Would he get angry? Would he tell her she’s too late? Maybe if she’s lucky, he might just forget everything and they would be able to get together and become a happy couple. Everything would be good.

But even that is just a fantasy, she supposes.

She remembers seeing him glance at the clock and yet remain silent back at Touka’s place just now. He hadn’t wanted to walk her back. He knew that she was lying about her dorm being open right now. It didn’t seem to matter to him as much as it mattered to Touka that she was going to walk home alone. Hinami herself hadn’t wanted him to come, but she feels a sting deep down realising that it didn’t matter to him if anything happened to her.

“Where are you going to go now?” he asks. Ayato breaks the silence so suddenly that she almost jumps. She looks away from his head, dropping her eyes, only for her gaze to fall to their connected hands. He’s still holding her. They’ve never held hands outside before, except for that one time when they met Touka and Kaneki and Ayato had wanted to get away from there quickly. Thinking about it, didn’t she get upset on that day? They had a big fight and she had thought he was only using her.

_Every time you looked at me like that, it felt like I fell in love with you all over again._

Will he still feel that way, she wonders, if she looks at him like that again?

“Back to the dorms,” she replies.

“The dorms, huh?” he sighs. He stops and it’s too sudden for her to keep up without running into him. She moves away quickly but it’s not like she can move too far from him with him still holding her hand. Does he not notice?

“Yes, the dorms.”

He turns to her with a raised eyebrow, their eyes meeting. “It’s closed now isn’t it?”

“I’ll climb over the gates,” she says as an excuse— anything to just get him to start walking or to turn away again. She can’t keep staring at his eyes like that, not with Kaneki’s words still playing in her mind. _Are you sure you’re not in love with him? Are you sure you’re not in love with him? Are you sure—_

“In that?” he laughs out.

She hadn’t thought much about her outfit but she looks down and regrets it immediately. There’s no way she’ll be able to climb over the gates in a tight pencil skirt without tearing it or lifting up far too much. But the only other option she has right now is to go back with him. If it has to come to this, she supposes she could do with one less skirt.

“Don’t underestimate me,” she scoffs instead.

He blinks and then smirks. “Oh, I know better than to underestimate you, Hinami.”

She’d have given him a light punch for that had it been some other time but right now, all she can do is stare at him in silence. The smirk fades from his lips and his eyes drop to their hands. He smiles slightly— weakly— and releases her. He slides his hands into his pockets and turns around, continuing to walk as if nothing had happened. They hadn’t been holding hands. They hadn’t talked. _Nothing_.

If there’s anything that she picked up about him the past two months, it’s that Ayato is very capable of pretending that everything is alright with him even if his world is in shambles. She’d been with him for two years and never once had she ever guessed all that he was harbouring from her. Even till now, he’s never going to be honest about anything.

“Ayato,” she calls out. He stops and looks over his shoulders. He doesn’t say anything, simply waiting for her to instead. It feels like she has a lot of things to say to him, but now that he’s standing there waiting for her to say something, she realises that she has nothing to say to him. She can ask him a lot of things she supposes but she already knows all the answers to them. The only answers she doesn’t have are to the questions she has to ask herself. Why did she get so upset that day at the alley? Why had his disappearance that night worry her so much? Why did their separation change her life so much? What exactly does she want from him?

“What is it?” he grumbles after a moment of silence. Hinami shakes her head and he frowns. “Then let’s go—” Ayato stops talking, looking up to the sky. She could feel it too.

It starts as soft pats on her face and arms. But in a mere matter of seconds, it starts coming down harder and harder, until she can barely see what’s in front of her. Her hair and clothes are plastered against her skin. She’s soaked and it’s freezing. The rain had been sudden but it didn’t come with a surprise. The weather had been pretty overcast that day. In front of her, Ayato squints as he walks towards her, grabbing her wrist to start pulling her along again, this time into a run.

“We need to get to shelter!” he shouts, trying his best to be loud enough for her to hear him. Even then, she can barely hear him over the rain. “There’s no time to get the dorms. Let’s go back home.”`

“No!” she cries out. He ignores her, trying to pull her back down the direction they had come from, but Hinami tries her best to struggle against it. It’s too weird being in the same place as both Kaneki and Ayato. She’d get no sleep the whole night and her heart would probably never calm down. She’s still thinking about that conversation. “I’m going back to the dorms.”

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” He stops trying to pull her, turning to glare at her. “We’d get sick.”

“I don’t want to go back there,” Hinami insists.

“Why not?”

“Because I just don’t want to!”

“Something happened between you and Kaneki just now, didn’t it?” Ayato snorts. She thinks he’s smirking. She can’t see his face clearly amidst the rain while she’s squinting her eyes, but she hears the victorious haughtiness in his voice. “Fine then. Let’s go to my place.”

“No!” Her cry comes out faster than she had meant it to, almost as if it was an instinctive response to his suggestion. But Ayato’s place is definitely a worse idea. Not only will she go crazy thinking about everything that had happened, Hinami doesn’t trust herself alone with him anymore, definitely not after what happened in her dorm room. They’re not supposed to be doing anything, she reminds herself, but she also knows that the both of them have terrible self-control.

“What now?” Ayato yells. “The dorm’s way too far, Hinami, and there’s no way you’re climbing up the gates in this rain. You’re going to get hurt.”

“You’re exaggerating,” Hinami argues back. She can tell that Ayato’s right on the verge of losing his shit and she can’t blame him. He didn’t even want to accompany her here. He got forced to then and now he’s caught in insanely heavy rain with her out of all people. “Look, you can go back first. I’ll be fine by myself.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’m serious— Ah!” She’s cut off as he pulls her closer to him and lifts her up. It takes a moment for her to realise that he’s carrying her and that she’s pressed against him, with his hands on her waist. She feels herself stiffen, everything freezing around her. She’s too close to him. They hadn’t been this close in so long. He hadn’t touched her in so long. Even though she has her clothes, her body prickles at his touch. By the time she snaps out of her slight trance, he’s already thrown her over his shoulder and is walking off in the direction of his apartment.

“Hey! Put me down!” she screams.

“Shut up. People are going to get the wrong idea about this if you keep struggling,” he growls.

“Let me go!” Her voice gets shriller but it doesn’t make much of a difference as the rain gets louder and heavier. She’s way too soaked and cold to put up a decent fight against Ayato, but she has no plans on giving up. She doesn’t want to go back to his apartment. It’s loaded far too much with her memories of him. She doesn’t trust herself to be swayed by them and to give in to whatever drives her at that point in time. It’ll be a miracle if she can get through an hour without either pulling him to his bed or being pulled to his bed.

He reaches his apartment complex in less than half the time it would take them to get to the dorms. Even when they’re under shelter, he doesn’t put her down, ignoring her screaming and cursing. People definitely will get the wrong idea and if any of his neighbours happen to open their door right now, it’ll probably land both of them in hot water. But Hinami can’t be bothered about that right now. She just wants to do whatever she can to stop herself from entering the place.

“Ayato, please wait—” She’s cut off as he lifts her off his shoulder and pushes her against the door. He’s still holding her off the ground. Back pressed to the door, she’s staring straight ahead, at him. Their faces are levelled and close, less than an inch apart even.

He furrows his brows and speaks in a soft whisper. “If you’re uncomfortable with it, I don’t mind going back to my sister’s place.”

“What? In that rain? No,” she grumbles. “If you’re going to run back through the rain, I might as well do the same and return to my dorm.”

“I’ll come in my apartment, change and leave. I have umbrellas. It will be fine. I won’t get caught in the rain on my way back,” he says.

Being alone in his place doesn’t sit well with her either but it is a better option than being with him in there. Maybe she’d find some time to think through everything that’s going on right now. Maybe being in _his_ apartment might actually help. She’ll also get to save her skirt.

“Fine,” she relents. “But you promise you would leave, right?”

“If that’s what you want,” he murmurs. Just like that, he releases her. As Ayato unlocks the door, she waits slightly behind him, trying to calm herself down and even her breathing out. It’s easier to breathe now that he’s not touching her but she realises something else she hadn’t notice immediately when she was so close to him.

His breath started smelling like smoke again. She had paid not much mind to it a month ago when they slept together, being so overwhelmed by everything else that she hadn’t put time and effort into thinking about it. But it’s worse now. He must have started smoking more this month. Simply entering his apartment is enough to tell her that. The smell is almost suffocating.

“God, how much did you smoke in here?” she complains the moment he shuts the door.

She sees a flash of panic in his eyes before he pushes past her to enter the kitchen. “Not much. I didn’t open my windows so the smoke must have stayed too long in here. I have some air freshener somewhere.”

It’s a stupid excuse. She knows he’s been smoking a lot and the number of empty beer cans she sees on the kitchen counter and the table in the living room doesn’t help his claim. He always smokes when he drinks.

“I thought you promised to stop,” she says when he comes out of the kitchen. He’s silent for a moment, placing the can of air freshener on the table before proceeding to pick up his empty beer cans.

Eventually, he says softly as he picks up the last can, “You promised to kiss me whenever I needed a stick.”

He’s right. That was the promise. But she can’t kiss him when they’re apart. He must have fallen back to his old habits when they parted. She knows it’s not her job to babysit him and lecture him over things like that. He should take care of himself on his own. He’s not a kid anymore and even if he is, he’s still not her responsibility. But she does wonder why every single one of his coping mechanisms had to somehow be harmful in one way or another. If he’s not kissing and sleeping with the girl he loves who doesn’t love him back, he’s smoking and drinking himself possibly to death.

But that’s his problem and she knows she has to leave it to him to deal with him. She drops the subject there as Ayato turns to his room. Hinami wonders if she should follow him. She could always use the bathroom in the living room if he’s using the one in the bedroom. She opts to follow him nevertheless, entering the bedroom behind him. Lightning flashes in the distance, followed by the loud, sudden rumbling of thunder. The rain is getting heavier. Hinami wonders if it’s really a good idea for Ayato to leave now.

“I have extra towels here and clothes. I don’t have your clothes anymore so you can borrow mine if you want,” he says, opening his closet.

“What about you?” she asks.

“I’ll leave after I get changed,” he replies. He reaches into the closet and pulls out a towel, holding it out to her.

“Aren’t you going to take a shower as well?”

“Nah. I’ll just head home instead.”

Hinami nods, walking over and taking the towel from him. She doesn’t look at him, simply walking to the bathroom before closing it instead. She stands still for a long moment, back to the shower, face to the mirror. She’s stood here many times before during happy times and sad times as well. This bathroom itself holds a particular memory. She still can’t tell if it’s good or bad— that moment when things started to slowly change, initially for the better and then, for the worse. She probably didn’t realise back then how much of a false hope she was giving him. She had been sincere. She seriously wants to try. But maybe they were really not meant to be and there’s nothing she can do about that.

_You are in love with him._

She chokes and shakes her head. She shouldn’t let those ideas get into her head. She just needs to focus on what she has to do now– her shower. Besides, Ayato would be leaving anyway. She shouldn’t worry about him.

Her shower is faster than usual. She tries not to think about it but she continues remembering their moments in there– her promising him that she’d give him a chance, him taking care of her after what happened in the alley. They were very different memories, but both make her heart ache. The relationship with him that she had held so dear has come to an end. It feels like there’s an evil being beside her right now, continuously whispering and reminding her of the times, tempting her to give in and run back to him, to fool him into thinking that she’s giving him what he wants.

 _Tell him_.

If she tells him she loves him, maybe he will let her stay.

_Lie to him._

But is it truly a lie now? Kaneki surfaces, reminding her once again what he thinks. Her mind is like a courtroom, both Kaneki and her throwing out their opinions, arguing over everything that’s going on. But nothing gets resolved and thinking too much only gives her a headache. She needs to leave– not just the bathroom, but his apartment too.

There’s nothing she can do about the clothes. Hers are still too wet to wear. She supposes she can leave them in the laundry basket for now. Since she’s taking some of his anyway, she could always take them back from him when she goes to return his clothes to him. She picks out a sweater from the closet which he had once complained to her over how oversized it was. When she puts it on, it’s as good as a dress and she didn’t have to worry about showing anything she didn’t want to like the previous time she had dashed out of Ayato’s apartment on a rainy night while wearing his clothes. Holding her bag tightly in her hands, she starts to walk out, only to stop when she’s in front of the door, right at the entrance of the kitchen. The stench of smoke was too overbearing. She knows it’s new.

Entering the kitchen gives her answers immediately. Ayato is still there. It doesn’t seem like he had expected her to show up so quickly. Sitting on the floor, with a stick in his mouth and two other buds on the floor beside him, he looks up at her with wide eyes.

“Hinami? Wait, what are you doing here?” he asks.

She’s tired of this. Even though she knows it’s not her business, she knows that she can’t just leave this be.

“Stop it,” she says.

“Stop what?” He knows damn well what she’s talking about. She can tell he’s faking it.

“Stop smoking,” she snaps.

“It’s too rainy outside. I can’t smoke there,” he says. “It shouldn’t bother you in the bedroom if I smoke here in the kitchen. Not unless you stupidly decide to show up here anyway. What are you doing here?”

She ignores his question. She can’t tell him that she’s planning to leave. “Why are you still here?” She sounds so haughty and she hates herself for it. She’s in his apartment. She has no rights to chase him out.

“I was going to leave after… this.”

“After that stick?” she asks.

Ayato hesitates before answering. He clears his throat. “No. After this box.”

That did it; it’s way too much. She drops to her knees and pulls the cigarette out of his mouth before flicking it to the floor. Ayato scowls at her and reaches for it, but Hinami manages to kick it away in time, barely avoiding getting the soles of her feet burnt in the process. Ayato seems annoyed but he makes no effort to take that particular stick. He does have a box, she remembers. Ayato tries to push her away, probably to get up and leave so he can smoke the rest of his box in peace since she knows she’s making it obvious that she isn’t letting him smoke anymore. The box is in his hands and she tries her best to take it away from him. But Ayato is so much stronger than she is and it’s barely a hard task for him to overpower her physically. The scuffle ends with him pinning her down on the floor, pressing her hands down at the sides of her head. Their faces are so close, him still glaring at her while breathing hard.

“Your breath stinks,” she snaps at him.

“Why does that matter to you?” he yells. “Just leave me alone already. Let me do what I want. I have no business listening to you when we’re not doing it anymore.”

“So you stopped smoking just to have sex with me, is that it?” she challenges and Ayato grits his teeth in response, the hesitation evident in his eyes.

“Yeah. Yeah, I did that. I did so many things so I could fuck the girl I like. You’d do the same with Kaneki, won’t you?”

_Again._

“Why do you keep bringing him up every time?” Hinami feels like crying, though she knows she’s not sad. She feels angrier right now. It feels like she isn’t the only one who’s holding them back from moving on with this relationship. Nothing is going to come out of it if Ayato doesn’t change as well. She might fall heads over heels in love with him but as long as Ayato is convinced that he’s a mere replacement, they will never find satisfaction with what they have.

And maybe, that really was the case. Maybe they really are in love with each other. Maybe there isn’t a complication at all. Maybe it’s just them, them being so convinced that this relationship was messed up that it clouded their eyes to the realities of him; her being so obsessed with the idea of being in love with Kaneki that she fails to see that she’s long moved on from it and that she’s found someone else. Ayato was right, perhaps. Someone really did come and sweep her off her feet.

“What else is there to talk about?” Ayato shouts back. “It’s always been about Kaneki and it’s always going to be about Kaneki, both here and back home. I’m never going to be free of it, am I? Everything I care about, everything I want– he’s going to take it. _He_ has it all and I’m left in the dumps with nothing.”

“Your smoking has nothing to do with Kaneki–”

“You shut up! You know it damn well has to do with Kaneki. He’s the reason everything fucked up in the first place!” Ayato continues, cutting into her. “This relationship has never been about the two of us at all. It was always about him.”

Even when he’s yelling at the top of his lungs, she can see just how miserable he is. Hinami doesn’t know what she can do to convince him of anything right now. He seems so staunch in his beliefs. It’s as if he’s recited all these things to himself over and over again that he genuinely believes in them– Kaneki is the reason everything went wrong, Kaneki took Touka and Hinami away from him, they will never love him, _she_ will never love him. But he’s wrong. She knows he’s wrong but she doesn’t know how to tell him otherwise. 

_But listen to me, Hinami, you are in love with him._

She needs to let him know, but how does she convince him of it even when she’s questioning it herself?

They fall silent and Ayato’s hold on her weakens, before he moves his hands away, releasing her and resting his palms against the floor. His body is heaving and his head hangs forward. She can’t see the expression he has on his face right now but she can imagine how anguished it must be right now. She can’t think of anything else to do, except to each forward, wind her arms around his trembling frame. Sitting up, she pulls him to her, resting his head against her shoulder and stroking his hair gently.

“You’re wrong, Ayato,” she murmurs. “Kaneki didn’t do anything to you.”

“Except push me in front of a truck,” he says immediately.

“He didn’t steal Touka or me away from you, Ayato. We’re here.”

Ayato’s silent for a long moment before he relaxes in her arms. “I know,” he says slowly after a while. “I know it’s not his fault but it’s not fair. I know I stand no chance and I told myself– I keep telling myself that– but… I… I don’t know. Kaneki is so good to my sister. He’s so kind and caring to you too. He’s never actually done anything to hurt me aside from one accident and even though we don’t really get along, I knew he’d help me out if I ever need anything.”

“It’s going to be okay, Ayato,” she says softly. She pushes him away slightly, just so she can cup his face and stare into his eyes. “It’s going to be okay.”

“It’s not.” He furrows his brows as he speaks. He sighs and closes his eyes. “It’s not going to be okay, Hinami. This is all I’m going to have.”

“That’s not true,” she argues. “I’m sure it’ll get better.”

He pulls away from her, turning away. For a moment, she worries he might leave but instead, he sighs again and sits down, leaning against the cabinet. They’re silent for a moment– him looking up at the ceiling and her watching him. Ayato shakes his head.

“It won’t. I know it won’t,” he whispers.

If there’s any time for her to say it, she supposes she should say it now. “Ayato, if I say something now, will you promise to take it seriously?”

He shrugs. “I don’t think there’s anything I won’t if it’s from you.”

“If… I say I love you, how will you react?” she murmurs.

He shrugs again, his nonchalant disposition starting to really bother her. “I don’t know.”

“That’s upsetting.”

“Why?”

“Because I kinda do think I like you… in that manner,” she admits.

He’s silent for a long time again. There’s barely any change in his sullen expression. It’s a far cry from the overwhelming ecstasy she thought he’d respond with. She’s convinced herself for a long time ago that if she ever falls for him and confesses to him, he’d be happy. But now, she doesn’t feel any of that and a part of her worries she might be too late. Has he gotten over her?

“Where did this suddenly come from?” he asks.

“I was talking to Kaneki just now and–”

“Kaneki?” he cuts in, looking at her with raised eyebrows.

“Yes, Kaneki,” she responds somewhat annoyed. “Listen. Anyway, I was talking to Kaneki and I told him what happened. He says–”

“Let me guess,” Ayato cuts in. “You made a fool of yourself and confessed to him and he says that you’re wrong and the person you’re in love with is me.”

Hinami turns to him. “How do you know that? You weren’t there, were you?” She can’t help but remember that slight moment Kaneki had pretended Ayato was there– he wasn’t, was he?

“No but it sounds like the kind of dumb shit you’d do,” he scoffs. “So because he said that, being the idiot you normally are, you believed him, right?”

She pauses before responding, raising her eyebrow at him. She’s sensing so much hostility from him that it’s confusing her. Maybe given the circumstances, it’s understandable that he might not be happy to hear this but she doesn’t think it would make him annoyed, but there he is, sitting in front of her, with a scowl scrawled on his face.

“What’s with you, Hinami?” he grumbles. “Can’t you ever think for yourself?”

“I do. I’m not saying this because Kaneki told me. All he did was make me realise that–”

“No, all that’s bullshit!” Ayato cuts in, raising his voice again. “You’re always like that. You’re always bringing him up. It always just goes back to him. I bet he also said some shit about how we’re made for each other and how he wants us to be together and you completely bought into that poor boy Ayato thing Kaneki was playing at. Just know that’s not the case and I am completely fine living without you!”

She doesn’t realise when it got so tiring to deal with Ayato. At one point, he always listened to what she said and his cynical attitude was generally bearable but mostly because he never directed it to her.

“It didn’t feel that way when you were whining about your life on my shoulder just now,” she mutters. She annoyed. She’s getting angry and upset as well. Nothing is going well; nothing is going like how she anticipated it to. “Ayato, can we just… try again?”

“Try again?”

“Or do something at least, I don’t know. I don’t want to keep ignoring everything. We’ve been apart for one month and nothing has changed for me. I still feel so empty,” she continues. “Do we have to pretend there’s nothing? Can’t we just get back together again?”

“I’m leaving,” he says, getting up.

“What? Why? That’s the opposite of what I’m asking for,” she cries out. “Ayato, for once, please!”

He’s walking towards the door and she scrambles to her feet, just in time to grab him by his sleeves before he could reach for the door handles. She tugs him backwards and he turns to scowl at her again. “What do you want Hinami?”

“Do you really have to go? Can’t you stay?” she asks. “The rain is still heavy. It’s dangerous for you to go.”

“You were really hellbent on me leaving just now. Why does it matter now?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” she says. “I don’t know but… don’t go.” _Not when I’ve just said all that._ She would have said out her thoughts. She would have been honest with him. She wanted to. But Ayato’s looking at her like she’s crazy, like she’s just said something wrong.

“I don’t believe you, Hinami,” he admits. “This is so sudden and after Kaneki told you all that too. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t trust you when you’re saying things like this. The last time you said something like that, it didn’t work out.”

“I promised you that we’d take it slow and that one day it would work out, but it won’t happen if you’re not going to give it a chance,” she says urgently. She holding onto his sleeves with both his hands right now.

“How do I know you’re not lying right now?” he challenges.

“How do you want me to prove it to you?” she shoots back.

They both fall silent because honestly, there isn’t a way. There’s no way Hinami can prove her words to him, especially not when she’s thinking about them herself. Ayato has a point– does she really love him or does she only think she does because Kaneki told her so? Is she perhaps still being swayed by her feelings for Kaneki? Her mind’s a mess. She can’t decide even if she should let him go now. Him staying might make things awkward and perhaps, it might make everything worse. But him going might do the same.

“How about you just think about it?” he says, roughly pulling his arm away from her grasp. “Just stay here. I’m going home.”

Perhaps his apartment didn’t feel like home anymore. Maybe he too can’t stand the memories in it.

Hinami remains silent, unable to say the right words to convince them both of what she had just said, completely clueless over what she should do to get him to stay. He leaves the apartment, closing and locking the door behind him. She’s left alone now and she simply stands there, staring at the door, her mind a blank slate. Eventually, she moves, having nothing else to do. It’s late. She throws himself on his bed, pulls the blanket over herself and tries to sleep. She’s exhausted but even then, it is hard for her to keep her eyes close.

_It smells just like him._

* * *

He doesn’t think it’s a good idea to be leaving the apartment right now, but he doesn’t say anything either. Nothing good is going to come out of the both of them spending the night together. Even meeting her in her dorm the other night just to pass a piece of paper to her was a bad idea. He can’t imagine what would happen if they were staying together. Simply staying there too long must have made her insane for her to say those things to him.

_If… I say I love you, how will you react?_

No.

 _Because I kinda do think I like you… in that manner_.

He doesn’t want to hope again.

He needed to discipline himself, to stop turning back to her and clinging onto false hope. He’s already told himself that nothing is going to come out of waiting and wishing. As long as a little inkling of desire and hope resides in him, he is going to keep his distance from her. Until he’s sure he’s not going to do anything stupid again and start something that would once again hurt both of them, he will not approach her.

He didn’t have a choice when Touka made it clear that she wanted him to walk Hinami back but he has a choice now. Even when Hinami suddenly changed her mind, he stuck to it. He doesn’t trust himself anymore. He’d eventually have chosen to believe if he had been there.

The rain had gotten heavier from when he and Hinami had run to his apartment on the way back from Touka’s place. If it was cold then, it’s colder now. Even with an umbrella, he’s getting wet. He can barely hear anything over the sound of raindrops. He can’t see that far ahead in front of him either. It’s so late in the night already. It’s really a bad idea to be out right now. He’s stupid for doing this. Touka will probably yell at him when she hears about this. But he’ll deal with that when it happens. Right now, he has to focus on walking forward despite the temptation to turn back to his apartment and to tell Hinami he changed his mind.

The rain continues to fall down on him. The umbrella offers not much protection, especially with the strong winds. He’s trying his best to stay under it, but with every blow of the wind, the umbrella is tugged along with it and he’s staggering as he tries to pull it back and to stay beneath it. His jeans are already drenched, weighing him down with every step he took. He wonders why he’s pushing himself so much like this. He wonders why he isn’t turning back. Turning back is the logical solution, but he supposes stubbornness runs deeper through his veins than he initially thought so.

There’s a flash followed by a clap of thunder again, so loud and sudden it makes him jump. Right after that, another blast of wind comes and he hasn’t had enough time to get over the shock from the thunder and to pull himself together. He staggers again as the umbrella is pulled along, but this time, it slips out of his hands. He tries to reach it but the wind has it in a matter of seconds, taking it along. His sight is so compromised that he can’t see where it landed. He’s squinting too hard to keep the water out of his eyes.

It’s so cold. His clothes are soaked in a matter of heartbeats. He can feel his hair plastered against his head. His bangs are falling too much into his eyes and it’s making visibility worse. He continues to walk but bothers him but in truth, his body is trembling from the cold, his muscles are contracting and his teeth are chattering. Screw going back to his apartment, he doesn’t want to move an inch from the spot he’s at. He wants to sit there, curl into a ball and just wait out the storm. But it doesn’t look like it’s stopping any time soon. He can already feel his nose stuffing up and his throat itching. If he stays out any longer, he probably would fall really sick.

He pulls his hood on and continues walking. The walk feels like forever, much longer than when he had dragged Hinami back to his apartment. He did feel pretty bad about it. Maybe he should have apologized to her about it. He wonders why she had hesitated to come with him in the first place. She wouldn’t have done that if she meant what she said to him. The conversation with her replays in his mind. Her touch was gentle as always and she’d spoken to him understandingly again, even when he’s pissed off and screaming at her. He doesn’t know how Hinami remains so calm whenever he loses his shit but she must have gotten used to him after spending time with him for so long.

Maybe they should have talked things out a little more. Simply storming out and leaving her like that was probably not a good idea. He’s probably going to see her again the next morning. He doesn’t think she’ll leave so early unless she doesn’t want to see him which he supposes would be unlikely since she’s almost begged him to stay earlier on.

He stops, turning backwards. Maybe he’d acted too rashly. Maybe he should go back and talk to her. Maybe he should just pretend that everything’s okay and take Hinami’s words as the truth. Lie or no lie, what matters, he supposes, isn’t what Hinami truly feels but what he believes she does.

He should go back. He really should.

But he supposes he doesn’t really have a choice. Everything happens in a blink of an eye. He hears the screeching of tires somewhere behind him and when he turns towards it, he sees two bright spots of lights— headlights— hurling right towards him. His heartbeat quickens and he hears something inside him screaming at him to jump away. But his feet are rooted in the ground. He feels himself being transported to sometime back, to a memory he’s tried so hard to forget but has only ever been unsuccessful in doing so. Yet never once has he remembered it so vividly as he does now— a rainy night, screeching of tires, bright headlights and then pain. He closes his eyes, squeezing them tights as he waits for the impact to come, to feel the strong vehicle ram into his feeble body to send him flying, to feel all his senses dull as his body erupts into excruciating pain.

All that comes is blackness again.


	12. Chapter 12

Before she fell asleep, it felt like she was going to end up spending the whole of that night waiting– first, it was Kaneki and now, it is Ayato. Touka’s not even sure if Ayato is planning on returning or if he is going back to his own apartment. Since it’s raining, she assumes it would be the latter but lately, it’s hard to predict what Ayato is thinking. She doesn’t want him to be trapped outside in the heavy rain if he happens to come back so she had decided to keep waiting in the living room. Yet, even after hours, he still isn’t back yet.

Her eyelids are drooping even as she tries to focus on whatever there is on the television. She doesn’t even know what she’s watching. One moment, it’s a movie and in the next, she realises it’s a nature documentary. She dozes off occasionally but finds herself jumping awake whenever she hears anything loud and sudden. Eventually, she starts wondering if she should just give up. She turns off the television and picks up her phone. She had already dropped Ayato a few messages but it seems like he hasn’t read any of them yet. A part of her wonders if he and Hinami are together right now and if they might be doing something yet again.

Touka sighs, slumping down on the couch. She wants to believe that they’re okay but she knows that they are far from that. Ayato might pretend everything is okay when he’s with her but she knows her brother better than he thinks she does. She’s sure that he spends most of his free time moping in his room rather than do anything productive. She doesn’t blame him; it’s not easy getting over someone you really love, especially if it’s been for a really long time. She’s not sure how Hinami’s taking all this either. She had looked pretty bothered when Touka had asked him to go along with her just now. She didn’t want to make Hinami needlessly awkward but she’s heard the stories from Kaneki about people who walk alone out in the streets at such late hours of the night. It is better to be safe than sorry.

It bothers Touka because she can no longer tell Hinami’s feelings. Initially, she had felt nothing from the girl. It had looked like Ayato was merely a toy to her. But her perception of Hinami has slowly begun to change. It changed when she had her honest conversation with Hinami at the swings. She questioned back then if Hinami really felt nothing for Ayato– she gets far too worked up over him for someone who has no feelings for him. It’s the same thing right now– if she really doesn’t have feelings for Ayato, why all this awkwardness? Why does she look at him as if she has something buried deep down inside of her?

The phone rings and Touka groans, getting up and walking towards it. It’s 4 am by now and she doesn’t know who’d be calling at such an hour. Ayato would normally call her on her handphone instead.

She picks the phone up. “Hello?”

“Hello, is this the home of Kirishima Ayato?” The voice on the other end sounds deep and stern.

“Yes, he’s my brother, but he’s out now,” she replies.

“Yes, Ma’am. We called to inform you of something. Your brother’s been in an accident.”

There’s a moment of silence after those words are said. Touka freezes. Those words made no sense to her.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Your brother, Ma’am,” the person on the other ends says. “He’s been in a car accident and was brought here to Kanou General Hospital.”

“My brother has been in an accident?” she repeats. Her mind tries to keep it together, to keep herself in the moment, but she can’t. She feels herself moving away, going back to _that day_. Ayato in the middle of the road. A truck. Tyres screeching. A horn. A loud bang. Him bleeding on the floor. She chokes, almost doubling over.

The woman on the other end of the phone continues to speak and it takes almost all of Touka’s willpower to listen and focus on what’s she saying– he’s fine, he’s not dead, just some bruises, he’s there now. Touka can’t wait. She knows she’s can’t. They might say he’s okay but she isn’t going to be able to rest until she actually sees him. The moment the woman gives her the ward number, she slams the phone down and grabs her car keys.

She should wake Kaneki up and tell him what happened. But she’s too worried. Her heart is beating too fast. The longer she wastes, the crazier she’s going to get. Kaneki can stay at home with Ichika. They’ll be fine. It’s Ayato she’s worried about now. It’s Ayato that’s not okay. As she drives to the hospital, she tries to stay calm, knowing that panicking will only make things worse. She needs to at least make sure that she ends up safely in the hospital as well. But her mind is in shambles and it feels like she’s thinking about a thousand and one things at once. What happened? What did Ayato do? Is he really okay? Why was he out there? Was he alone? What about Hinami? What happened to her? The woman hadn’t mentioned a single thing about Hinami.

She reaches the hospital but doesn’t bother to park her car right. Even though she’s wearing simply her home clothes, she doesn’t look out of place in there at all. Everyone’s frantic or worrying about something and the atmosphere doesn’t help to calm her nerves at all. She remembers the room number the woman had told her over the phone. The moment she finds the directions to it, Touka rushes towards it.

_Please be okay. Please be okay._

She might have Kaneki and Ichika now. Ayato isn’t her only family anymore, not like the last time he’d been in a hospital for an accident. But even then, she can’t lose him. She can’t lose anyone anymore. He’s still her younger brother and she can’t imagine the pain of losing him— she doesn’t want to.

When she arrives at the room, she sees a doctor standing by the door, talking to a couple of nurses. It takes a moment but she recognises the doctor immediately– Nishino Kimi, the girlfriend of one of her close friends.

Kimi looks over and her eyes widen a little. “I thought Kirishima sounded familiar. Is he your brother?” she asks.

“Yes,” Touka says, gasping for breath as she speaks. “How is he? How is Ayato?”

Kimi smiles. “He’s okay. He hit his head quite badly and got a concussion from that. Other than that, there’s a couple of bruises here and there. He has a cut on his arm. He did mention his leg is hurting but there’s nothing wrong with it when I checked it. I might have to run some more tests.”

“His leg?” Touka murmurs. She tries to peek into the room but there’s nothing much she can see from aside except for the edge of the bed. Even if Kimi tells her he’s okay, it feels like she can’t rest unless she sees him for herself.

“His left leg,” Kimi says. “It says in his records that he once injured it very badly. I figured we’d keep an eye on him for a bit so I’ll have him here for a few days.”

“Oh, okay, yeah sure. Can I see him now?”

Kimi nods towards the room. “Go ahead. He’s in there.”

“Okay, thank you so much,” Touka says and before she gets any sort of reply from her, she’s pushing past her and entering the room.

Ayato’s lying on the bed with his back turned towards her. Kimi closes the door behind her, leaving the two siblings alone in the small room. She knows Ayato well enough to know that he’s not asleep right now and that he’s very much awake but he doesn’t acknowledge her presence in the room at all, not even when she walks up to him and runs her hand through his hair.

“Ayato,” she says softly.

“I’m fine. Leave me alone,” he grumbles. He pulls the blanket up to his face and curls his body up even more.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,” he says quickly.

“You were supposed to be with Hinami, weren’t you? Where is she?”

“She’s okay. This happened when I was on my way home,” he replies and before Touka can say anything, he continues, “I want to sleep now, Sis. Good night.”

“Sure, go to sleep,” Touka murmurs. She’s desperate to know what exactly happened and to rip the blanket off him so she knows exactly how badly he’s hurt. But Ayato does sound very tired and given what had happened in the past, she hadn’t expected anything else. She walks to the other side of the bed so that he’s facing her right now and pulls a chair up to sit by his bedside. Ayato has his eyes closed but she’s still sure he’s awake. With his head buried in the pillow and the blanket pulled up to his face, she can’t see much aside from the small bandage on his forehead under his bangs. She remains silent but reaches for him, taking one of his hands in hers and holding it tightly. A couple of heartbeats pass before she feels his grip tightening as well and even though she can’t see it clearly, she can tell he’s relaxing a little.

She leans forward, resting her head on his bed as well. “I’m here Ayato. Big Sister is here.”

* * *

When she wakes up, it’s already bright outside. It must be midday by now, or close to it at least. Hinami opens her eyes, squinting at the sunlight streaming in from the window, before turning around and burying her face into the pillow. She’s so tired. She feels like going back to sleep again.

It takes a moment for her to remember where she is right now and how she had ended up there. She’s in Ayato’s apartment, in his bedroom, on his bed. That’s nothing new to her, but being in that place alone? That is new. She doesn’t ever recall being alone in this place for longer than ten minutes. The only other time when he had left without her, she had run after him.

She’s alone but she doesn’t feel lonely. His blankets and pillows smell just like him. Being wrapped up on his bed feels like she’s being enveloped by his arms, snuggled up against him like she had been doing every night up till two months ago. Or maybe she is lonely. Substituting him with blankets and pillows sounds exactly like something a lonely person would do. He’d probably call her an idiot if he ever finds out; she has to make sure he never finds out about this.

She wonders when had it been since she had started craving for him this hard. It feels new to her, but maybe it isn’t. Maybe she had always felt this way but had never noticed since he’s always right there beside her. Or maybe it is new. Maybe it’s something that came out just yesterday when Kaneki had planted the idea into her head and her Kaneki-worshipping mind had immediately jumped to accept whatever he had said. Ayato has a point. It might not definitely be the case, but she can’t rule it out as a possibility. Whatever she said to Ayato yesterday was entirely unfair. She shouldn’t have done it; she should have kept it to herself until she’s very sure of it. He had told her to think about it and she supposes now’s a good time to do so. He’ll be coming back soon and she’ll have her answer out by then.

She turns to lie flat on her back, looking upwards at the blue ceiling. Kaneki had been so sure of it. Ayato had been so sure that she’s mistaken. She wonders what Touka thinks about it. It would be nice if she can talk to her again. Maybe Touka might be able to sort things out better. But she also knows that Touka doesn’t know her as well as Kaneki does, but Kaneki doesn’t know her as well as Ayato does. Would that make Ayato right?

She shakes her head. No. Ayato might be wrong. He has his own beliefs and he’s stubborn when it comes to them. If he had convinced himself that she doesn’t love him, even standing on top of a building and professing it to him in front of the world might not change his mind.

She can’t rely on anyone. She just needed to make her own judgement. She supposes that she’s relied on people enough at this point.

Rolling about in Ayato’s bed is nice but she supposes getting some coffee might help her think better as well. She gets out of bed and enters the kitchen, only to stop at the soft, but clear buzzing noise she hears. She looks around and spots Ayato’s phone on the kitchen counter. He must have placed it there where he was smoking last night and forgotten to take it along with him since he had left in a rush after their argument.

Hinami ignores it initially, going to make coffee for herself, but the phone continues to buzz. Ayato’s a pretty popular guy but she doesn’t recall his phone ever being this busy. She wonders if there’s an emergency that someone needs Ayato to attend to or something; maybe it’s better to check. She picks the phone up and takes a look at the screen. There’s a bunch of different messages which she chooses not to read, but there are also 20 missed calls from Rio.

Hinami stiffens at the name. She knows Ayato and Rio are close and Ayato had told her that there’s nothing between them, but the rumours mentioned by Tomoe still surface in her mind. In this one month, anything could have happened. Things could be changed; _feelings_ could be changed. For all she knows, the reason he turned her down was that he might have moved on.

The phone starts vibrating again and Rio’s name appears on the screen. She knows she shouldn’t do it. She knows that she should be respecting Ayato’s privacy. She should leave the phone be Ayato gets back. He should be getting back soon. It’s already way past noon. But even when she knows all of that, her hands move on their own accord, picking up the call and moving the phone to her ears.

“Hey! You finally picked up! Is everything okay?” At the other end of the line, Rio speaks with an urgent, worried voice. He’s talking so quickly that Hinami can barely make out the words he’s saying, especially amidst his hard pants. “Your sister called me but I didn’t pick up till morning and I got caught up in something so it took me awhile. I’m on my way to the hospital right now. Are you okay? Everyone’s really worried. You should reply to their messages when you feel like it, okay?”

Hinami remains silent, her mind spinning from what she’s heard. None of this makes any sense. Hospital? Why is Rio going to the hospital? Why is he telling Ayato about this? What’s going on and why did it seem to make everyone worried? She knows she can simply ask Rio about everything but the words were failing her.

“Hey, are you there?” Rio asks. Hinami still chooses not to say anything. There’s silence for a long while before Rio sighs and continues speaking. “It’s fine. You don’t have to say anything. The accident must have been hard, huh? I’m almost there. We can talk more then if you want to. See you.” He hangs up right there, leaving Hinami with a bigger headache.

Accident? _What accident?_

She takes another look at the phone but this time, she scrolls through the notifications and reads the messages. A voice in her head is screaming at her to respect his privacy but it’s too faint now for her to give it any attention. She skims through the text she sees, picking out the important bits— Miza, Naki, their group, Rio, the soccer guys from high school, an accident, hospital, worries, visiting. It doesn’t take long for her to piece everything together from what she’s read and heard from the call.

Her knees go weak and she chokes up, dropping his phone in the process. _Shit, no_. She needs to hold herself together, but she can’t. She can’t believe what she’s seeing. There’s no way.

Ayato got into an accident last night— after he left; after _she_ chased him away. Touka had called Rio and he had told everyone else. They’re all messaging Ayato asking how he is and everyone’s really worried. But he can’t reply to any of them, not when the phone isn’t with him right now.

Hinami freezes, her eyes widening at another thought. The last time this happened, he had almost died and had gone into a coma for months. Maybe it happened again. Maybe something worse happened.

She doesn’t even want to consider what happened, but she knows she needs to find out. If something happened to him on his way home from the apartment, the only person who can be blamed is her. It is her fault. If he dies right now, it is because she didn’t stop him and because she had made such a big fuss and had made things too awkward for him to stay with her. If he had stayed with her, they’d both be here right now. If he dies, she can’t think of anything else aside for the fact that it would have been just as good as her sending him to his death.

She rushes back to the room for her phone. If Touka informed Rio, she must have done the same for her— or at least Kaneki would have. She scrambles to turn it on and waits for the messages to load up. She waits and waits, staring at the screen for minutes. But no matter how much she waits, there isn’t a message at all.

It seems like they didn’t want her to know at all.

* * *

He doesn’t sleep well that night. Every time he closes his eyes, he’s jolted awake really quickly from the images that flash through his mind and the sounds that ring through his ears. It doesn’t feel like he’s slept at all. He’s so exhausted, his body hurts everywhere and his leg throbs continuously.

But he knows that he’s sleeping. One moment he opens his eyes, Touka is still there holding his hand. The next, she’s standing and she’s on the phone. After that, he doesn’t see her but he hears her talking to Kaneki behind him. The next moment, his uncle is there with Ichika as well. He must be falling asleep and waking up at intervals.

“You should eat something.”

This time, it’s Kaneki who’s there and it doesn’t seem like there’s anyone else. Kaneki is sitting on the chair Touka was sitting in the beginning. He has a book in his hands and he speaks without looking up.

Ayato sits up, ignoring the screamings of his body. Looking down at himself, he realises he’s not that badly hurt at all. He has bandages on him but he knows that beyond cuts and bruises there are no other injuries. He didn’t break anything this time. His leg is still hurting but when Ayato lifts the blanket of it, he sees that it’s not badly twisted or anything, just bandaged and a little swollen. He moves it and realises that he can move it and surprisingly, there aren’t any sharp pains that shoot through it like the last time.

“You’re fine,” Kaneki says. “Your injuries are not bad at all. You only gave everyone a huge scare, yourself included.”

Kaneki is smiling at him now, a weak but very concerned smile. Ayato looks around the room. It’s only the two of them now. He doesn’t see Touka anywhere.

“Where’s Touka?” he asked.

“Touka’s been here since the accident so I told her to get some sleep at home. She brought Ichika along. Yomo went back to the cafe,” Kaneki says.

“Oh.” He wants to say more; he knows he should say something at least— an apology or at least show some gratitude for them making the time to keep him accompany. But his mind is reeling and his voice is failing him. He doesn’t know what to say to Kaneki. He doesn’t even know what’s going on. It still feels like everything is a mess right now. Everything had happened so fast, just like it did before. One moment he’s okay and the next, he’s not. One moment he’s walking back to his apartment and the next, he’s in the hospital. 

“We told your friends already. Touka called Rio and he’d inform everyone else,” Kaneki says. “But… about Hinami…” Kaneki hesitates, looking up at him with a grimace and although Kaneki didn’t say anything he knows Kaneki is asking him about her.

“She’s at my apartment. She’s safe,” he says slowly.

“Okay, sure. Do you want us to tell her or do you want to do it yourself?” Kaneki asks.

The thought of informing Hinami hadn’t crossed his mind. Hinami had barely crossed his mind. She should still be at his apartment if she hadn’t already left. He hopes she isn’t waiting for him. He doesn’t know when he’d get back. If she is waiting, he supposes he should come up with an excuse. He doesn’t know how “I got into a car accident and couldn’t come home for a few days” would work on her.

It’s strange how distant he feels with everything that had happened. In his sleep, it had kept coming back to haunt him. Maybe he’s used up all fear he had in him in his dreams. Right now he feels empty, drained. He feels like a spectator watching everything unfold. 

“Ayato?” Kaneki calls out softly. “Do you want me to call her instead?”

“You haven’t called her yet? You told Rio about it.”

“We don’t know what happened between you and Hinami so we didn’t want to be too hasty. You were fine so Touka thought she’d leave it up to you if you want us to tell Hinami about what happened,” Kaneki explains. When Ayato doesn’t say anything, Kaneki sighs and continues talking instead, sitting forward in his seat to move closer to him. “Look, Ayato, I don’t know if I’m thinking too much into this and it’s totally fine if you don’t want to talk about it, but did something happen between you and Hinami last night? The time of the accident… I know you went to walk Hinami back home but the accident happened about two hours after you left our home. It’s too late and I really want to know why exactly you were walking in the middle of the heavy rain by yourself.”

He thinks for a moment, running himself through the events of the previous night. He feels his heart beating faster and he calms himself down by trying to avoid the incident entirely. It’s fine if he pretends it never happened right. Maybe he should imagine that he slipped and fell in the rain instead— that would help. He remembers everything that had happened and the events that had led up to him walking out of that door— Hinami’s words and Kaneki’s part in all of that. He had been angry— so angry— but he’d also been stupid and he realised that, didn’t he? That’s why he stopped; that’s why he was in that very spot when the car came skidding towards the sidewalk.

He was going to go back to her. He was going to apologise, to talk. But he wasn’t allowed to do it. It’s as if the world was stopping him from going– as if it was telling him that he and Hinami were meant to be apart.

He forces the lump down his throat. “We went to the dorms but they’ve been closed so I walked Hinami back to my apartment and started coming back home when it started raining. That’s why I was late.” He’s lying through his teeth and he knows that Kaneki out of all people can tell. He’s a cop. He’s used to dealing with liars. He can read people like a book and know when they’re being untruthful. This lie is useless.

“Ayato,” Kaneki says, a little more sternly this time. “What happened?”

He wants to scream at Kaneki. He isn’t one of Kaneki’s criminals. He isn’t in an interrogation right now. He has no reason to abide by it and tell him every single thing that had happened. Kaneki has no business in his life. Just because he married his sister doesn’t give him the right to pry into every single nook and cranny of Ayato’s life. He hates this. He hates this situation. He hates Kaneki. He hates everything.

“Look, Ayato, I’m worried about Hinami too. I remember saying some very weird stuff to her last night and I have no idea if it contributed to all this. If you don’t want to talk right now, that’s fine, but please don’t lie to me,” Kaneki continues.

He feels a little guilty. Ayato knows that Kaneki has his best interest at heart. Kaneki’s always like that, taking things up that he really shouldn’t need to and helping them out when it’s none of his business. It was Kaneki who had paid for Ayato’s hospital bills and Arata’s funeral expenses a few years ago even though he and Touka were not married yet. He’s always like that and Ayato knows he should be thankful— he is thankful. But it pisses him off as well. All of it was his mess; he fucked up big time. It should be him who’s paying for and dealing with it. But instead, it’s Kaneki. It’s always Kaneki.

“I’m sorry for causing trouble for you again,” Ayato murmurs.

Kaneki shakes his head. “It’s not like that at all.”

“All of this is none of your business. You don’t have to get involved. You never had to. But because you did, things had been easy on me and it’s not fair,” Ayato continues. “You should just leave me alone. Just let me deal with all this. This is my problem, not yours. Don’t pay for this. I will.”

“How? You barely get enough to cover your rent from your part-time job,” Kaneki says.

“I’ll deal with it,” Ayato snaps.

“No, no you’re not,” Kaneki argues, raising his voice a little. “Touka and I are not leaving you alone in this. We’re not going to leave you in anything. You’re part of the family, Ayato.”

“We’re not family—”

“We are,” Kaneki interrupts. “We’re family and family helps one another, okay?”

“This is… All this is…” Ayato stops, breathing hard, his hands gripping the edges of the blanket tightly. He’s mad. He’s just so mad at everything right now— at Hinami who had said all those stuff, at the stupid driver for running into him last night, at the rain which caused the accident, at Touka for getting him to walk Hinami back, at Kaneki for always helping him and at himself, for being so useless at the face of everything that life throws at him, for always needing someone and having to rely on people.

“You know, my father died when I was very young and my mother and I struggled a lot. She died a little after that because of how much she worked. We had a lot of debts to pay and my aunt also kept asking for more money. Mom just worked and worked and in the end, I suffered a lot from it,” Kaneki says. “It’s never good to be in a position where you always need money. A part of me always wanted Mom to stop giving Aunt money because we had none ourselves. I could never understand why Mom would do it. But I see you now and I see how you and Touka are. I’m not like my Mom. I have money. I have money but before you and Touka, after Hinami moved out, I had no family. It was lonely. But I met Touka and things started getting better. I want to protect this, Ayato, and that includes you. It won’t be the same without you. Trust me, those years showed us enough.”

“I’ll still be there even if you let me pay my own bills,” Ayato grumbles. He doesn’t want to look at Kaneki right now. He doesn’t want to know the kind of expression Kaneki has on his face.

“You know, I have every reason to hate you,” Kaneki continues, “ and sometimes, I wonder how the hell you even are related to Touka. But if not for you, I will do all this for Touka. She will fall apart if something happens to you and I will not let that happen.”

“My sister is not weak,” Ayato snaps. “She’ll be fine.”

“She’s not weak, you’re right. But she’ll still fall apart. Her strength will help her pull herself together again, that I am very sure of. But she will still be hurt and I don’t want that to happen as much as I can.”

“What does that have to do with my bills?” Ayato grumbles. He lies back down on the bed, pulls the blanket over his body and turns away from Kaneki.

“I want you to accept my help, to let me help you, for your sister’s sake. Ayato, please.”

 _For Touka’s sake…_ Ayato glances at his hand— the very hand Touka had held onto last night and had helped him through his nightmares. She must have rushed here the moment she found out what happened to him. They must have woken her up. She must have been tired. But she still came.

“If it would give Touka a peace of mind, then fine.”

He hears Kaneki’s grunt of approval behind and he closes his eyes. He falls asleep surprisingly fast, but the images appear again. He’s in the sidewalk again. Kaneki is there now for some reason. He’s pushing him to the middle of the road. There’s a truck on one side and the car on the other. He’s trapped. His ears are overwhelmed with the screeching of tires. He closes his eyes and he wants to scream. But his voice is stuck in his throat. He can’t say anything. He can’t do anything. He opens his eyes and looks towards the sidewalk. Kaneki isn’t there anymore. It’s Hinami, looking at him with a big frown, eyes streaming with tears mouthing some words.

He doesn’t see anything else afterwards.

Ayato opens his eyes and he’s back in the hospital, still on the same bed. He’s stuffy. Everything around him feels like it’s burning. His body is wet and sticky; his clothes are drenched in his sweat. Hinami was in his dream and he’s sure she was saying something to him. He frowns at the ceiling, taking a moment to collect his thoughts and recall what she had said.

_I’m sorry._

She has nothing to be sorry about.

_This is all my fault._

It’s not. She asked him to stay. He chose to leave.

He’s glad Touka and Kaneki hadn’t told her about this. Maybe Hinami not knowing would be a better idea. He’d get out of the hospital and go and see her after that. He’ll just pull some act about being really pissed off or something and then he’d apologize to her. It would be better than having her needlessly worry about all this.

He turns his head to the side. Kaneki is still there, but he had dozed off. Beside Kaneki, he sees another face, flipping lazily through the book Kaneki was reading just now. It’s Rio. It confuses him for a moment what Rio is doing here, but then he remembers Kaneki mentioning that Touka had called Rio over.

“Rio?”

Rio’s head snaps up at the sound of Ayato’s voice and he jumps to his feet, leaning over and smiling widely. “You’re okay. Thank god.”

“Yeah. I guess.” Ayato tries to sit up and Rio immediately offers him a hand, just as he always used to do in the past when he’d gotten injured during soccer.

“Sorry I was late. I had soccer training,” Rio explains. “I didn’t check my phone till after and I saw Touka’s messages and missed calls so I called her immediately. You gave me such a fright, you know. You didn’t even say anything on the phone just now.”

“The phone?” Ayato mumbles dumbly.

“Yeah, when I was on the way just now, remember?” Rio says, laughing a little.

Now that he thinks about it, he hadn’t checked his phone at all. It’s the last thing one would think of after getting into the second car accident of his life. Ayato glances over at the two tables he has beside his bed. He doesn’t see his phone anywhere. His clothes are neatly folded and placed on one of them but he can’t find any of his other belongings with him. He might have left it at home. He doesn’t recall taking it along with him when he left.

“I… left my phone at home,” Ayato says, looking around again. Maybe he missed a spot. But it doesn’t seem like it’s anywhere.

“Really? That’s weird. I was really sure one of my calls got picked up,” Rio says. “Was it someone else, then?”

“It’s at my apartment so…” Ayato says slowly, letting himself collect his thoughts. “It’s Hinami.”

“Hinami?”

“Yeah, I told her she can stay over since it was late and the rain was heavy,” Ayato says.

_She knows._

He had wanted to keep it a secret from her. He needs to talk to her.

“Give me your phone,” he says to Rio immediately and before Rio can even question him, he’s reaching into his pockets and pulling the phone out. Rio watches him, partly annoyed, as he dials his own number and waits for a call. The ringtone goes on and on but there’s no answer at all. He tries again but to no avail. He tries the landline and gets nothing as well. Hinami might have left already. He tries Hinami’s phone number as well, but that doesn’t work out either. She doesn’t pick up.

“She’s not picking up,” he complains.

“Yeah, that’s because I don’t know her that well, Ayato, and I don’t have her number so there’s no way she’s going to pick up some call from a random stranger,” Rio points out.

Rio’s right and Ayato knows that. He looks around and his eyes fall on Kaneki, who’s still sleeping at the chair beside the bed. Maybe if it’s Kaneki, Hinami will answer.

“Kaneki!” he shouts.

Kaneki jumps at Ayato’s loud voice and wakes up immediately, rubbing his eyes sleepily. “Ayato? What is it?”

“I need you to call Hinami now,” he says urgently.

“Huh?”

“Just do it,” Ayato snaps.

“Okay okay, calm down,” Kaneki grumbles. He pulls his phone out and starts to call her. The moment he sees Hinami’s name on the screen, Ayato reaches out and grabs the phone from Kaneki’s hands.

Hinami answers almost immediately. “I’m so sorry, Big Brother, this is all my fault. I’m so sorry.”

“Hina—”

“Ayato ran out because of the things I said to him. I messed up again. I’m so sorry. I can’t do this anymore,” she continues, not giving him a chance to speak at all. “I keep hurting him no matter what I do. I’m just not right for Ayato. You’re wrong about it all. You’re wrong, Big Brother! I’m sorry I should never have come into his life. I don’t think my feelings for him are real either.”

“Wait—”

She really must not be listening or she’d have been able to tell the difference in the voice. But she continues speaking, thinking he’s Kaneki. “I can’t face Ayato anymore. Even if he doesn’t blame me, I know this is my fault. I can’t bring myself to see him anymore. Please tell him how sorry I am and that I wish him all the best. I will see you soon. Goodbye.” With that, she cuts the line. _Just like that_.

The silence that follows drags on for a long time. Both Kaneki and Rio watch him without saying a thing until Kaneki reaches forward and grabs the phone of out Ayato’s hands.

“She hung up already,” he says bitterly.

“Yeah, she did,” Ayato murmurs.

“What did she say?” Rio asks.

“She said…” Ayato pauses, thinking back. She said a lot of things. She said everything that he thought she would say. Everything went like he thought it would. It’s bad. He needed to stop her; he needed to tell her it isn’t his fault. But he didn’t. She didn’t give him a chance to.

Kaneki groans as he watches the blank expression on Ayato’s face and dials Hinami’s number himself. Ayato looks over, only to see the call cut almost immediately after.

“She turned off her phone,” Kaneki says.

He hadn’t gotten a chance to say anything to her yet and at this rate, he doesn’t think he will. Hinami won’t give him a chance to say anything; she’s not going to talk to him on the phone. But Ayato knows he can’t just sit by and leave everything be. He needs to clear everything up with her. Hinami can’t blame herself. It isn’t her fault.

It hurts to move but he forces himself to, sliding off the bed and getting to his feet. His left ankle screams in protest but he knows he has to ignore it.

“Wait. What are you doing?” Rio asks, grabbing his shoulders and trying to push him back to the bed.

“I need to go and see her,” Ayato insists. He tries to push Rio off him but it’s hard to fight against a fit person when you’re injured and had been spending the past twelve hours or so in bed.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Ayato, you need to rest,” Rio says.

“I need to settle this,” he argues.

“No, you don’t!” Rio snaps. “I’ve been telling you since Day One that this whole thing is a bad idea but you’ve never listened to me. You don’t have to go to her now. Whatever it is, you can wait till you’re better.”

“No!”

“Stay down, Ayato!”

It’s useless. He knows Rio isn’t going to budge. He turns to Kaneki, who frowns and shakes his head. “No, Ayato. I’m with Rio on this. If anything happens to you, Touka will kill me.”

“It’s just this once, Kaneki. Please let me go,” he says. Ayato has never pleaded with Kaneki before. This is a first, but if he has to resort to begging, he would as well. He knows that keeping silent about this is wrong. He needs to clear up the misunderstanding as soon as he can. He needs to let her know she’s wrong.

“Ayato, I can’t.”

“I need to do this, Kaneki. Please. For Hinami,” he whispers. He’s never been this sincere with Kaneki. It’s always been the opposite. He never wants to rely on Kaneki. Ayato had just made it clear to him how he hates having to accept Kaneki’s help. But right now he doesn’t have any other choice and he knows Kaneki is able to tell just how desperate he is from the way he’s begging right now. If he has to fall on his knees, he would.

After a long moment of silence, Kaneki closes his eyes and sighs. “Fine. Just this once, and make it back as quick as you can.”

Ayato blinks in disbelief. He really did want Kaneki to agree but he hadn’t thought Kaneki would actually give in. Rio seems annoyed but Kaneki doesn’t notice it– or if he does, he doesn’t bother to acknowledge it. Instead, Kaneki goes over to take Ayato’s clothes and toss them to him.

“Rio and I will distract the nurses. You try to make it out in five minutes and I want you back as soon as possible,” Kaneki instructs. “Don’t exert yourself.”

Ayato doesn’t think Touka could have married anyone better.

* * *

She decides that barricading herself in her room is probably a good idea. After the incident with Ayato’s phone, Hinami had run out of the apartment and all the way back to her dorm. She isn’t in the mood to talk to anyone right now. She doesn’t want to have anything to do with anyone. She wants to be alone. Miza and Tomoe drop by but she ignores both of them. They’re probably here to talk to her about Ayato, especially since she hadn’t returned their calls or replied their messages either. She gets a call from a new number as well and she supposes it has to be Rio. He’s probably calling to inform her about what happened. But she already has everything figured out from Ayato’s phone. She doesn’t need them telling her.

She feels terrible enough and no one else needs to know about it. Or so she thinks _._

A short while after the call from the number she assumes is Rio, she receives another one. This time, she rushes to pick it up. It’s Kaneki. She picks up already knowing what he is going to say, which she still doesn’t want to hear. She picks up for a whole different reason. She picks up because she needs to say something instead. It’s Kaneki who had given her all those ideas. It’s Kaneki who had prompted her to start that conversation with Ayato. She knows it’s not Kaneki’s fault everything happened— it’s hers— but she wants Kaneki to know the truth. He is wrong. She isn’t fit for Ayato. She doesn’t love Ayato. They’re not meant to be. They’re not good for each other. She shouldn’t be with him at all.

The moment she picks up, she starts talking. The words flow out of her mouth like a heavy torrent. She barely has any idea what she’s saying. She can’t be bothered. She speaks and speaks, letting her heart guide her through the words and emotions. She pours everything out, not giving him a chance to say anything. When she’s exhausted of things to say, she hangs up immediately, turns her phone off and tosses it away. She doesn’t want to talk to Kaneki. She knows what he’ll say in response. He’ll tell her she’s wrong and that it’s not her fault. He’d ask her to go and see Ayato. Maybe he might blame himself for even telling Hinami all those weird things, but he’ll insist that those things are true. He might convince her again that she’s in love with Ayato. He might convince her to go back to Ayato. Hinami knows how weak she is. She knows how pathetic she is. Ayato is right. She can’t think for herself. If she gave Kaneki the chance to say that she’s wrong and that she should go to Ayato, her stupid mind might have believed it and done just that.

Ayato doesn’t deserve a sheep like her. The accident must be the Gods’ reminder to her. Never again should she have the cheek to think that they’re meant to be. Never again should she try to fool him with her half-assed feelings.

She lies in bed, curling up to herself and for the first time since the start of the day, she cries. Her eyes have teared up a lot in the past few hours, but right now, she’s a mess of tears and screams. She buries her face in her pillow and shouts. She yells out her frustrations, her hatred, her anger, her despair and her fear. Everything comes out— curses, apologies, pleas, prayers. She wants all this to end right now. She’s so exhausted. She never thought things would get this bad and she still doesn’t know how bad Ayato’s condition is. For all she knows, he might not even be around tomorrow. He might not even be alive now; maybe Kaneki called to say that he died. The thought makes her scream even more. Her chest hurts. It feels like there is an invisible claw grabbing her, digging its long fingernails right into her heart.

She hopes he’s okay. She wants nothing more than him being well and alive right now. She doesn’t even want to think about him gone, but she knows that no matter what, he is gone to her. She shouldn’t go back to him anymore— or even to Kaneki and Touka since they might just lead her back to him. She needs to go back to the time before she and Ayato became friends, back to her first two years of high school, when even though she saw him in class every day, she never talked to him and he never really meant anything to her except for being that random soccer guy who everyone is really into for some reason.

She hears a knock on the door but pays no mind to it. She doesn’t want to talk to anyone right now. She knows that some people might genuinely worry about her. Everyone knows that she and Ayato are close. Her friends must be worried about her. But she really doesn’t have the mental capacity to deal with anyone right now.

There’s a part of her that’s also worried. These people might be carrying bad news. Maybe they’re trying to tell her about something. Maybe they’re here to call her to his deathbed— _he might go anytime, so you don’t want to miss this, do you Hinami?_ But she doesn’t want to know about such news. Maybe oblivion is better. Even if he’s dying right now, she can pretend he’s still healthy and well— it doesn’t hurt as much.

There’s a knock again. “Hinami? Are you in there?”

Hinami freezes, recognising the voice immediately. What is he doing here? Is this her imagination playing tricks on her?

“Hinami, it’s me. It’s Ayato. I really need to talk to you.”

It is his voice. She’d recognise that voice anywhere. If he’s here right now, does this mean he’s okay? Had he gotten discharged? She gets up immediately, rushing to the door and reaching for the doorknob, only to stop right before opening the door for him. Isn’t it too soon for him to be out? No matter what, hospitals would keep him for at least a day, right? How can he be outside? Her mind wanders through many countless possibilities, even the absurd ones. What if it’s someone else pretending to be him? What if it’s someone else but she’s hearing his voice out of desperation? What if that is his ghost here to bid farewell to her before he moves on to the afterlife? The third one, no matter how ridiculous, makes her choke up.

“Hinami, I can see your shadow again, you know,” he sighs. “Please. Don’t ignore me.”

“I’m not ignoring you,” she whispers. She hurriedly wipes her eyes with her sleeves and opens the door.

Ayato stands before her, but she has to pinch herself to believe that this is real and that this isn’t a dream. He’s breathing hard, slumped against the door frames, eyes narrowed as he watches her with his typical annoyed expression. Neither of them says anything, not even as Hinami reaches forward and runs the tip of her finger down along his cheek— the left side, which wasn’t bandaged. _He’s real. He’s here. It’s really him. He’s alive._ She studies him carefully, eyes focusing on every small bruise that she could find and the various areas of him which are bandaged. She wonders how many injuries he has under his clothes and how bad they actually are. His face doesn’t look bad, but she can see that his right arm is still bleeding. He’s clutching it with his other hand, but the bandaged is clearly soaked with wet blood.

“Your… hand…” she says, nodding towards it.

Ayato looks down at it and grimaces. “Yeah, I think I might have reopened the wound or something when I was running here. I went to my place and you weren’t there so I came all the way here.”

“You were running— No, whatever, come in.” No matter what the situation is right now, she can’t have him standing at the doorway. She should at least let him sit down. She’s not such a heartless person that she’s going to put him through that sort of pain. She watches, trying not to react much, as he struggles to kick off his shoes and walk in. As Ayato limps into her room, she knows she’s made the right decision letting him in but she’s sure Ayato has done something stupid.

“What are you doing here?” she asks as she gently pushes him to sit on the bed. She pulls his hand away from the bleeding bandages and observes it carefully. She doesn’t have any first aid in her room but she has some towels she supposes he could use for now.

“I needed to see you,” he says. She remains silent as she’s talking the towels, giving herself time to think through what he’s saying.

“Did they let you out of the hospital already?” Hinami asks. She sits beside him and presses the towel against the bloody bandage, letting it soak up some of the moisture. “You still look very bad to me. Where else does it hurt?”

“My ankle but they said it was nothing too bad,” he says looking down at his bandaged foot. He winces as he moves it. Hinami can tell despite the bandage that it probably hurts a lot. It’s not bleeding but it looked a little swollen– much bigger than his other foot.

She realises that he hadn’t answered her first question and turns to look at him. “They discharged you already? When you’re like this?”

He grimaces. “Hinami, there’s something I need to tell you.”

He’s avoiding her question again and that gives her the answer– he hasn’t been discharged and he probably snuck out of the hospital to come here. Her throat feels dry, clenching up in her attempts at holding in her frustration. _Just why is he like this?_ He left the hospital despite being injured like this to come and see her.

“Kaneki called you just now and you picked up, right?” Ayato continues speaking, either completely oblivious to her silence or blatantly ignorant of it. She nods and he frowns, sighing. “It wasn’t Kaneki who called you. It was me.”

Hinami freezes. Her mind immediately goes back to the call, trying her best to remember what she had said, but she can’t remember a single thing. She had just spewed out whatever came to her lips. Her brain hadn’t been functioning. Thinking it was Kaneki, she had said a bunch of stuff and had been completely open and honest with him. Even though she can’t remember what exactly she said, she knows for sure that those are words not meant for Ayato’s ears. But while she has no idea what they are now, Ayato does.

“Please ignore that call,” Hinami says immediately, trying her best to remain as composed as she can. She gets up and walks over to her table to pick up her phone. “You shouldn’t be here. I’ll call Big Brother to come and pick you up.”

“Don’t,” he hisses.

“I’m calling him.” She’s right about to call him when she notices Ayato beside her, reaching over and snatching the phone out of her hands. She turns to him, annoyed, holding her hand out and staring at him instructively. He simply frowns back at her, holding the phone behind him, still breathing hard.

“You shouldn’t be here, Ayato,” she argues. She considers reaching over to take it. He’s hurt so she might be able to successfully take it away from him. But she can see his bleeding arm from the corner of his eyes. She might hurt him more in the process. She’s done enough of that; she can’t hurt him more– she shouldn’t.

“We need to talk,” he says.

“We can talk when you’re better,” she says, though she has no intention to. She doesn’t have any plans to have anything to do with him at all. It’s not that hard. They’re in their final year of college when the next semester starts. She doesn’t think they’ll see each other much. It’s not that hard to avoid him since she knows his usual hangout places. At most, she’ll have to find somewhere else to stay which is not that hard at all.

“No, we need to talk _now_ ,” he insists, grabbing onto her arm with his uninjured hand. “I can’t have you going on thinking those things you said.”

“What things? I can’t remember,” she grumbles. She’s tired and exhausted and continuously seeing how injured he is right now isn’t helping her mood. He’s like this because of her. She knows he’s going to try to talk her into thinking otherwise but she doesn’t see how this can be anyone else’s fault.

“All those things you said, Hinami. They’re wrong. They’re scary. They _hurt_ ,” he whispers. They hurt. Of course, they hurt him. That’s all she’s ever done to him and all she’s ever going to do. “You’re not at fault Hinami so don’t ever say stupid things like how you can’t show your face to me.”

“Did I say that?” she wonders bitterly. “I’m not in the mood to have this discussion right now. Please let me call Kaneki.”

“It’s not your fault,” Ayato insists.

“Ayato, stop.”

“No, listen to me. It isn’t your fault at all, okay? You didn’t do anything. You asked me to stay,” he hisses. He’s gritting his teeth as he speaks, trying to pass it off as his annoyance but Hinami can tell that’s not the case. He’s in pain right now. He’s perspiring so much. The colour is being drained from his face. He needs to be at the hospital right now. He needs rest.

“Ayato now’s not the time for this. Give me the phone,” Hinami instructs, holding her hand out. She takes a step towards him and he takes a step back, wincing. She glances down. His leg is trembling. “Ayato, at least sit down.”

“Not until you listen to what I have to say.”

“You need to calm down. You’re getting worked up and it’s not healthy for you right now,” she says. Another step forward and he takes another one back. Maybe if she keeps walking closer, he’d walk back to the bed and she can push him to sit at least.

“It’s not your fault. Don’t cut things off between us because of this.” She’s still moving forward and he’s still backing away. She sees the bed right behind him and reaches out, pushing him lightly. Ayato stumbles backwards, falling to a sitting position and dropping her phone. He groans in pain and taking this slight moment of distraction, she snatches the phone and rushes to call Kaneki. Ayato watches her in disbelief, his eyes wide.

“Wait, Hinami, don’t call,” he snaps, but by the time he’s said it, she’s already on the phone and she can hear Kaneki picking up.

“Big Brother, Ayato’s in a bad condition right now. Could you come to the dorms and pick him up? Don’t let him leave the hospital again please,” she says.

“Hinami? Did something happen?” Kaneki asks, confused but also worried.

“He’s just in a lot of pain.”

“Okay, I’ll be there in ten minutes.”   
  


She hangs up and tosses the phone on the bed. Ayato is frowning at her now and she can tell he’s really angry, though she doesn’t think he has any reason to be. She supposes she can entertain him a little.

“We have ten minutes,” she informs him.

“It’s not like you’re going to listen to me, are you?” Ayato mutters.

“I’ll hear what you have to say at least,” she offers.

“I just needed to see you after all that you said. I want you to know that nothing is your fault, but talking to you now I realise I cannot convince you. You’re too stubborn,” he complains.

“I shouldn’t have made things awkward in the first place. From the beginning I should have asked you to stay when the rain was so heavy,” she says.

“You did.”

“Not at first,” she points out.

“You didn’t put me at the sidewalk, you know,” he says, clearing his throat a little. “I shouldn’t have been so stubborn. I should have just dealt with everything and control myself a little. I got too angry.”

“You’re right. You got too angry, because of the things I did and said,” she says. “Ayato even if you try to convince me that it isn’t my fault that this happened, you cannot convince me that all this pain we’re going through is not the culmination of that stupid arrangement we had.”

“It’s hard to think that us fucking since two years ago led to my accident,” Ayato grumbles.

“But it did. If we had stayed friends, none of this would ever have happened. If we never got acquainted in the first place–”

“Maybe I might have killed myself over depression after my father died,” Ayato cut in. “You saved me Hinami; you gave me hope. I already told you that. Don’t give me the we-should-never-have-met bullshit right now. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

She doesn’t know how she can accept those words. She can’t be the best thing that happened to him, not when she has reduced him to the state he is right now. He would have been better off without her. This time, she’s going to make sure she can’t fuck things up for him anymore.

“Then will you do something for me?” she asks in a small voice. She’s asked him this so many times and as always, he looks up at her, eyes wide, slightly wary but mostly curious.

He nods. “Yes, anything for you.” His voice is a whisper as he says it, just as it always sounds, mainly because he always knows that he’s going to regret it– that what Hinami says is not going to be something good for him. But he always does it anyway, because he always wants to make her happy.

If she’s in love with him, which she is not– she has to keep telling herself she’s not or she might just believe it– she thinks this is the part of him she’ll love the most. He’s so dedicated and loyal to her. Whatever he does, he does it for her best interest. When he left last night, she’s sure it’s because she made it seem like she was uncomfortable when they first got there. She was. She really was. If it wasn’t for that conversation they had, she would have continued to feel that way. In fact, she only saw him in the kitchen because she felt too awkward that she wanted to leave his place. Ayato knew all that, which is why he left. He wanted to make her feel better so he left. He was only concerned about her so it didn’t bother him that he had to leave.

He’s always done things for her sake, but she’s never been able to do things for him the same way. He had gone on about the studying thing but Hinami knows that’s nothing. He thinks it’s big but it’s simply his warped senses talking. There was nothing special about what she did for him– nothing at all.

But right now, she’s going to save him for good.

“You were right, Ayato. I don’t love you,” she says. It pains her to say this more than she thinks it ever would. But she holds her head high and stands firmly by her words– the feelings aren’t natural and they’re because of what Kaneki had said.

There isn’t a change in his expression. That statement must not have been a shock to him, which is understandable since he didn’t believe her in the first place. He must be relieved now to know that he’s right and to know that he didn’t make the wrong decision by believing her.

Hinami gets to her knees in front of him. Ayato seems confused as he watches her but he doesn’t say anything, not even when she places her hand on his knee, rubbing it slightly.

“Will you please forget me?” she asks.

“Huh?”

“Nothing you say can change my mind about my feelings. I know what I want and I do not want you in my life anymore,” she says.

Now, she sees the pain in his eyes. He shakes his head immediately, grabbing her hand with his. “No, you listen to me. You don’t have to punish yourself for this accident.”

He’s wrong. She does.

“Being with you is going to hurt me more,” she says. “Everyday I will think of this and never will we move on from it.”

“But… but…” He tries to argue back but his voice is failing him. He shakes his head again, frowning, probably thinking deeply. “There has to be a way.”

“Will you respect my wishes, Ayato?” she asks.

“You don’t have to put it that way–”

“Will you?”

“I…” He hesitates, looking away from her, refusing to make the promise. “I was going to come back to you. I thought it didn’t matter anymore. Your feelings… I couldn’t be bothered about it. I thought if that’s what you believe that so be it. It doesn’t matter how you came to the conclusion. I couldn’t care anymore if Kaneki planted it in your head. When walking away, I realised we should have talked things out more calmly, about your feelings especially.”

“You were right. I don’t love you. There’s nothing to talk,” she says. Her throat clenches and she chokes as she speaks. She doesn’t know why it feels like she’s doing something terribly wrong by saying this. She feels a stab to her heart the first time she did it and she feels it again now. She wonders if it means that maybe she might be wrong about it and she’s jumping into conclusions after everything that happened, but she immediately discards the thought. She doesn’t want any of this anymore. She wants to move on; she wants both of them to move on.

He looks at her and smiles. He hadn’t smiled in a while, especially not to her. This smile is void of pain. This smile is true and genuine. This is the smile she thought she’d see when she confessed to him the previous night. This is what she had wanted to see.

“If that’s the case, why does it sound like it hurts you to say that?” he asks.

“Even if it hurts me, it is the truth that we’re not good for each other and we should not be together. We need to–”

There’s a knock on the door that cuts her off and she sighs in relief. She opens the door quickly, letting Kaneki in. Ayato looks horrified. Clearly their conversation is being cut short as well; clearly, he’s not going to get what he wants. Hinami feels a little bad about it but she knows this is for the best. She has let him say what he wants to and she has given him a reply.

Hinami remains silent as Kaneki looks disapprovingly at Ayato, nagging about his recklessness as he helps Ayato to his feet and starts to help him out. He gives Hinami a nod as he walks out the door while Ayato stares at her, a silent plea passing between them.

_One more time._

She can’t give this a second chance. She can’t give herself a second chance.

She shakes her head, holding onto the door as she watches them leave. When they’re out, she closes it, only after murmuring a final farewell to the both of them. She stands by the door, envisioning them passing through the dorm’s hallways, down the elevator and out the building to Kaneki’s car. The further they go, it feels like more of her gets sucked away from herself.

She doesn’t want to see Ayato anymore. It’s for his own good. But even then, tears stream down her eyes. They continue falling out of the corner of her eyes as she picks up her phone, turns it off and removes the tiny SIM card she has inside before tossing it into the bin. She stares at it for a moment. Then, her knees give away and she collapses. Her eyelids are heavy again. The tears are falling out rapidly. She’s crying again.

She can still turn back. She can take that card, put it back into her phone, call Kaneki and ask him to let her talk to Ayato. It’s still possible. It’s not a lost cause yet. Maybe she can imagine that her love for him is real. That might lessen the pain, right?

Hinami shakes her head. She reaches into the bin and picks up the small card. Without giving herself time to doubt her next decision, she snaps it into two.

She’s going to need a new number.

* * *

His injuries look worse than they actually are. In actual fact, they’re not that bad at all. But his little expedition had worsened a couple of them and he ended up staying in the hospital much longer than he initially had to. Kaneki was wrong; Touka did not kill him when she found out what happened, though she was right on the verge of it.

Even then, aside from the cut on his arm and his ankle which took a longer time to heal, it’s in a matter of days that Ayato notices his strength returning. His body is scarred a little, his limp has gotten a little worse than before– thought the doctor assures him that it will get better and he’d revert to his pre-second accident self in a matter of time– and it takes him a long time before he stops jumping everytime he hears the screeching of tires. But given everything that happened, he thinks he’s okay.

The only thing that didn’t come out of this unscathed is his relationship with Hinami, who pulled a complete disappearing act on him. When he got back his phone, he left her probably close to a hundred texts. Every time he called her, he gets the notice that the number is unavailable. He tries it with Touka, Kaneki, Rio, Miza and Naki, borrowing their phones to text and call her. Everyone got the same result. It’s like Hinami has her phone permanently switched off.

Two weeks after the accident, he heads over to her dorm, only to find that she had vacated it. Tomoe and Miza who live beside her hadn’t known about any of it at all either. She had left without telling either of them. But he continues to give her space and time. He’ll see her in school. They’ll talk then.

And he does. It’s about a few weeks into class when he happens to see her in a walkway. They make eye contact and the moment this happens, Hinami turns around and hurries off. He chases after her, calling her and trying to catch up but right as he’s so close, she slips into the women’s washroom. He could wait for her and he tries to, but the walkway is small and crowded and waiting outside of the women’s washroom for someone who ran away from him is just plain disgusting. Instead, he leaves. He supposes he could lie in wait for her somewhere else like the main entrance but since he doesn’t know where she’s staying now, he can’t guess where she’d come out from. He could alternate and spend a day waiting at each entrance but again, he knows better than to be a creep.

As much as it pains him and as much as he knows that all of this is as a result of a misunderstanding on Hinami’s part, he knows he has to respect her space and decisions too. He can’t force her anymore. He doesn’t want her to suffer from being with him anymore. If there’s anything that made sense from what she had said to him two weeks ago, it was that their relationship is the root cause of all their pain.

It’s weird and ironic. It had been him who had been adamant on ending everything initially. But now he’s running after her like a dog would its owner. Ayato doesn’t even know what he wants to do when he reaches her. When he manages to catch her and turn her to face him, what will be the words he’s going to say to her? It’s not your fault? You did nothing wrong? He laughs at those options. He has already said them to her. He’s never going to be changing her mind on them.

One semester passes and he doesn’t get to talk to her. He’s convinced at this point that she has changed her number. He had seen her with her phone one time. He was standing at a distance and she had not noticed him. He called her but the line was still unavailable. He supposed that maybe she must have had his number blocked. It’s easy to confirm this. All he needed to do was borrow someone’s phone while pretending that his died and he had to make an urgent call. When he did this, he realised that her number is still unavailable although Hinami was happily using her phone a distance away. She couldn’t have blocked this random person as well. The chances are likely. She must have changed her number.

Tomoe might know a thing or two about what’s going on but asking her gives him nothing, though it’s not like he expected something either. Tomoe is clearly going to be on Hinami’s side here.

He sees her less in their final semester and he fails again at getting a chance to talk to her. He still doesn’t know where she’s staying right now. He never manages to get his hands on her new number. She still runs away whenever she sees him, but he gives up on chasing her. He’s confused. He’s hurt. Hinami thinks she might have hurt him before, but he doesn’t think that can compare to what he’s feeling right now. He rather gets hit by ten cars than have her ignore him so openly like that (he takes back the statement the moment it surfaces in his mind though– he’s good with what he has).

No one tells him anything but he has a feeling burning deep in his gut that graduation would be his final chance at setting things right. Somehow it feels like, after that, he’s never going to see her again.

He’s right, but he’s wrong as well.

He doesn’t see Hinami after graduation. He doesn’t see her during graduation as well. He hears from people that she called in sick all of a sudden so she can’t make it. Whether that’s true or not, he realises he missed his final chance.

After that, no matter how hard he looks, he doesn’t see her again. He could rely on Kaneki for help again but he stops himself. This has nothing to do with Kaneki. This is something he can do on his own, for himself. He will find her and he will tell her what he wants to tell her.

A year in, and he’s pretty stable now. Ayato did what Hinami suggested. He got a job at a reporting agency, writing short commentaries in the sports column. It’s more fun than he thought it would be. He gets to go to most of Rio’s games and he doesn’t miss anything. He gets to write about anything his best friend does as well. He realises he’s better at it that he thought he would be. He never really liked reading and writing, but maybe writing about sports is not too bad. It’s fun.

Two years in, he tries to move on. He has made no progress in his Hinami hunt at all. He realises he doesn’t know anything about her aside from her relationship with Kaneki and him. He knows Hinami was on a scholarship but he never knew what it was for. Maybe if he did, he would have some leads, but right now, he has nothing to go on.

He goes on with life blindly. He goes to work, hangs out with Rio, drinks with Miza and Naki and spends quality time with his family. He moved back home and he spends most of his free time playing around with his niece. Ichika gets excited whenever he teaches her soccer. She seems talented at it as well and she spends a lot of time happily kicking balls around the house, much to her father’s chagrin whenever he hears the smashing of yet another vase.

Three years in and he tells himself that he needs to move on. It’s not like he swore himself to a life of celibacy. How he went a year without having sex and merely relying on jacking himself off is beyond him, but maybe keeping himself busy with work and Hinami hunting had helped. He starts dating this one girl but it doesn’t work out. He dates another one and it doesn’t work out either. Third time’s a charm, they say, and Ayato gives it one more go, only for this too to end in failure. He simply can’t forget Hinami at all.

When dates fail to satisfy him, he opts for something else. If he can’t fall in love, he can still fuck others. Sex is sex no matter who it is. Or so he thinks. He sleeps with a few people– he tries to ignore the similarities between them like their brown hair, their short and small stature or their gentle voice– but something feels wrong. The sex feels empty and boring, even though he’s actually feeling really good. Something is missing and even though he knows what that is, he refuses to admit it.

Four years in and he’s slowly starting to forget her, which is ironic because love is all around him right now. Naki and Miza are engaged. It happened after Miza found out she’s pregnant. Rio finally finds himself someone, but he refuses to tell Ayato anything about that person. They met online apparently. Hooguro has a girlfriend too. Ayato never thought that guy would ever take any relationship seriously but apparently, this one is different.

Touka gets pregnant again. This time, he tries to be there for her and to support her, even though he’s making plans to move out to his own apartment. When he does move, Touka, Kaneki, Ichika and Yomo (who was dragged along by Touka) help out. Ichika gets really excited by her uncle’s new place. She especially loves one room in particular. When she looks out the window, she can see the playground in the park and it makes her very excited. Ayato uses that one as his guest room, mainly for Ichika to sleep in when her parents decide to come and stay over in his place. They set it up mainly to her tastes as well– a pink room with apple-patterned wallpapers. It’s cute, though it doesn’t match the whole theme to the house. Touka had laughed when she saw it.

Touka’s weekly visits to the cemetery stop for a moment as she gets too big to travel around much but Ayato continues doing so. Occasionally, he drops by Hinami’s parents’ graves. He’d accompanied Hinami there once before so he remembered the location. Going to the cemetery without Touka gives him the confidence to take a peek. He doesn’t know how Touka would react seeing him there; he had managed to convince her and Kaneki that he had forgotten and gotten over Hinami completely. While he supposes he is moving towards forgetting her, he knows he’s still far from it.

The graves give me a clue to Hinami’s whereabouts. He knows that no matter what she feels about him, she’d continue visiting her parents. But as he continues to visit them every week, he realises that no one else had come. There aren’t flowers; Hinami always leaves flowers behind. He wonders if she had left town. If that’s the case, he has no chance of finding her.

He thinks of Hinami the most when he’s in his apartment, alone. It’s bigger than his previous one and it looks so much better. It’s clean. The fridge is well stocked. He has room for bigger tanks for his fish. The furniture is new and they did not come with the place. Everything is to his taste. But he has no one to share all of this with. He tries his hand at bringing girls home again. But just like before, the sex keeps feeling empty. Eventually, it starts to feel like a chore. He craves for contact and companionship but even then, he can’t find any that satisfy him.

In the fifth year, he tells himself to give up. He openly declares to himself that he isn’t going to look for her. He discards the oath he had told Hinami a long time ago. He will find someone else. He will settle down. He will start a family. He doesn’t know where Hinami is anymore. He doesn’t even know if she’s alive. Life is so transient. Youth doesn’t guarantee anything. He knows this better than anyone.

He should not wait anymore. She should not seek her out anymore. He has to find someone else.

Touka’s delivery is a safe one this time. He’s there when it happens, holding Ichika outside and entertaining her along with her granduncle. It’s a boy this time. As Ayato watches Kaneki and Touka with both their son and daughter now, he wonders how nice it would be to have one of his own as well. He’s already in his mid-twenties now. He’s pretty stable careerwise. He’s not advancing fast, but neither is he at any risk of a sudden retrenchment. A family isn’t ideal but it’s not an unattainable fantasy either.

Of course, he has to find someone to start a family with. Ayato sighs at this thought. He’s not too desperate for one, but he supposes he has it pretty high up in his future plans now. It weird. He actually has plans for the future. The Ayato of the past never did; he just went with the flow.

Hinami has changed him in many ways he realises. Some for the better and some for the worse. But he realises one more thing as he sits and contemplates his future. If he’s ever going to get married and have children– that’s a big _if_ – he can’t do it with Hinami absent. He cannot imagine a wedding without Hinami. Even if she’s not on the altar with him, she has to be present there, just like Kaneki, Touka and everyone else who are really important to him. She’s someone very important to him and that goes far beyond simple romantic interest. Sometimes, there’s more to relationships with other than romance. He knows that. He wants Hinami to know that.

They don’t have to be in love. They can still be friends. He wants to tell her that, but he can’t do it without finding her.

He supposes he just can’t give up in his search just yet. He sighs. After all of his progress, it looks like he had slipped and fallen back down to the first square.

This is going to be a long year.


	13. Chapter 13

Even over the loud rock music playing, Hinami managed to hear the beeping of her phone. Her bag is only a short distance away from her but it’s going to be difficult to get it. Just a short while with this new guy and she can already tell that he doesn’t like interruptions.

But she doesn’t get many messages recently so it’s either something really important from work or it’s Tomoe.

She tries to push the guy away and he simply responds by pressing her arms down to the couch. He presses his lips against her skin, nibbling on it softly. She’s so close to him that she can smell the strong stench of cigarettes that clung onto him. It stinks and she still hates it as much as she’s always had. But she buries her face in his thick jacket, breathing it in instead. She hates the smell, but she just can’t help being pulled into it.

She hears her phone again and she sighs, nudging the guy lightly with her knee. He looks up, annoyed, but releases his hold on her. Hinami reaches for her bag and as she’s taking her phone, she feels his hand on her waist, pulling her closer to him again. Her phone doesn’t stop ringing now– Tomoe’s calling her. Trying to ignore the guy beside her even as he’s back to kissing her neck, she answers the call.

“Tomoe, hi! What’s the matter?”

There’s a moment of silence before Tomoe speaks up, her voice annoyed. “Hinami, are you busy now?”

She is, but she doesn’t take much mind to the guy. “Not really.”

“You’re breathing really hard right now,” Tomoe comments with a soft cough. “Well, since you’re probably with a guy right now, I’ll make this quick. Are you free this weekend?”

“This weekend? Yes. Are you coming over?” Hinami asks.

“No, I was hoping you’d come over,” Tomoe admits.

Hinami pauses. This time, she pushes the guy off her with more strength, surprising him enough to get him to stop. She gets off the couch and walks a slight distance off, holding her phone in place with her shoulder as she adjusts her half-undone skirt. “Tomoe, we’ve had this discussion before. I’m not coming back to Tokyo.”

“I know,” Tomoe says, sounding almost exasperated, “but this is different. Trust me.”

“Fine, fine, tell me about it.” As she speaks, Hinami looks over at the guy she’s with. He looks really annoyed right now, especially since Hinami had completely pushed him off and Hinami wonders if she really should risk it staying in there right now. He’s drunk, it looks like he’s got a temper and he has a whole collection of glass bottles beside him if he decides that throwing something at her might be a fun game. She’s seen some pretty terrible people recently and according to her colleagues, she’s simply asking for trouble by going after a specific kind of men. Hinami points to the phone, mouthing something about important work issues she has to attend to before she grabs her clutch and starts heading towards the door to his apartment. The guy starts yelling and Hinami quickens her pace, slipping on her heels and rushes out of the apartment. Tomoe had fallen silent as well. She’s probably listening to whatever the guy is shouting as well. It’s only after Hinami had left the apartment and is safe in the elevator that Tomoe starts talking again.

“That dude had a temper,” she chuckles.

“Yeah, well, they all do,” Hinami grumbles.

“Knowing the kind of men you go for, I am not surprised,” Tomoe sighs. “Maybe it’s time you stop chasing after a certain past and move on–”

“Anyway, why do you want me in Tokyo?” Hinami cuts in. She’s had that conversation about her ‘type’ with Tomoe before and she’s had it with her colleagues thousands of times. _Hinami, you’re going to get hurt one day. Hinami, you’re asking for trouble. Hinami, he doesn’t look safe. Hinami, what is wrong with you?_

“I got a free stay at Tsukiyama’s hotel. It’s for two,” Tomoe explains.

“Oh. Mr Tsukiyama,” she murmurs. She’s out of the apartment complex right now and she looks up to the apartment she was just in. She sees the man. He’s lighting a stick, holding it in his mouth. He isn’t looking at her and he isn’t coming after her. She’s safe. Hinami quickens her pace, heading towards her own apartment.

“You know him?”

“Mr Tsukiyama? Yeah, somewhat. Big Brother and him worked together once and I met him then,” she explains. She’s only met him once but he’s such an eccentric figure she knows she’ll never forget him. But he’s also really knowledgeable and he’d taught her the names of flowers she’s never seen before. She was only fourteen back then and this had made a big impression. She’ll never forget the nice uncle that taught her the names flowers. “His hotel is pretty grand.”

“Been there before?”

“Nope, heard about it,” Hinami says.

She could take the quick way home but Hinami knows there’s nothing to do there. Instead, she decides to take a short detour as she talks to Tomoe. There’s a park close by to her house. It always calmed her down whenever she’s on edge about something. She found herself visiting it frequently. She sees a bench, right by the pond, and takes a seat. The air is crisp and cool. The water is still. There’s silence around her, aside from the occasional chirping of crickets.

“Come over,” Tomoe says. “I don’t have anyone to go with and I haven’t seen you in years.”

“We met last year, didn’t we?” Hinami laughs softly. “I can’t. I told myself I won’t go back to Tokyo.”

“Come on, Hinami. It’s not like you have to avoid the whole city. The hotel isn’t close to where he lives. You won’t run into Ayato,” Tomoe says.

“Why’re you bringing him up? This has nothing to do with him,” Hinami says quickly. “I didn’t leave Tokyo because of him.”

“You did actually leave Tokyo because of him. I remember you crying to me about it after you left,” Tomoe scoffs. Hinami can sense her annoyance. She herself is getting pretty annoyed. They always end their call on a good note whenever this topic is brought up. Tomoe’s insistent that Hinami’s being dumb about the whole issue and nothing Hinami says can ever change her mind.

“I can’t face him,” Hinami says instead.

“Why not?”

“Because… Because I did all that to him. I did things I shouldn’t do to someone I care about–”

“You mean someone you love,” Tomoe laughs, interrupting her. “It’s been five years and you haven’t moved on from him, Hinami. Five years.”

“What does it matter? That whole thing we did. It was stupid. I realise now how stupid we were and how stupid I was for even agreeing to use him like that. I can’t just go up to him knowing all that and just pretend like nothing ever happened,” Hinami continues.

“I’m not asking you to go up to him. I’m asking you to come to Tokyo and stay in a hotel room with me. The last I check, Tokyo isn’t synonymous to Ayato, though it might be to you,” Tomoe comments flatly. She seems unbothered and partly tired and Hinami can’t blame her for it. Tomoe must be getting pretty tired of this repeated conversation as well.

“Just the hotel, right?” Hinami sighs.

“Yeah, nothing else.”

She hesitates, wondering if she’s making the right choice. There are so many things that could go wrong with that decision. Hinami shakes her head. “I’m sorry, Tomoe. It’s just too risky.”

“If you don’t come over, I might just _accidentally_ text your address to Ayato later.” Tomoe’s reply is quick, sharp and snide. Hinami almost wants to punch her. That’s one trump card that Tomoe always had up her sleeves, but she’s never played it before and Hinami never thought that she ever would. They’re friends, for goodness sake. How can she do such a thing?

“That’s really low, even for you,” Hinami grumbles.

“I’ve been keeping your secret since the last year of college. I can tell Ayato knows and he’s simply refraining from asking me just out of respect for you. I kinda feel bad for the poor guy,” Tomoe says. There’s a cheeky tone to her voice now, but even if she sounds like she’s joking, Hinami doesn’t know how far she can push her luck.

“If I come over for Tokyo for you this weekend, can you promise me you’ll never use that move again,” Hinami sighs.

“Well, that’s a pity, but yes, I will.”

“Fine, I’ll come to Tokyo.”

“Yes!” Tomoe sounds victorious over the phone and it puts a smile to her face. She supposes this trip isn’t all too bad. There might be good things that can come out of it. She hasn’t seen Tomoe for a long time and as much as she can try to pretend that being out of Tokyo makes things easy for her, she does miss the city she grew up in greatly.

“This weekend, right?”

“Friday night!” Tomoe says.

Hinami had been thinking Saturday, but she supposes a couple of hours wouldn’t make much of a difference. She has nothing to do anyway. She spends most of her Fridays with her colleagues in a nearby bar anyway and for most days, she doesn’t really end up back in her house the next day. This wouldn’t be too far a shift from her usual plans.

Hinami pauses for a moment. It seems like that’s about all that Tomoe had called to tell her, but their calls never simply end just like that. There’s a reason Tomoe hasn’t put down either. She’s waiting for Hinami to ask that one question again– the thing she always asks whenever they talk on the phone or meet in person, the one thing that keeps burning in her mind no matter how far away from Tokyo she might be or no matter whose bed she’s sleeping in that day.

“How… is he?” she asks slowly, her voice weak and soft.

“He’s doing okay. I saw him the other day, in fact,” Tomoe replies, carrying on as usual, as if she’s talking about the weather or her day at work. Perhaps, to Tomoe, it might just be another random conversation topic, but to Hinami, it makes her heart speed up and her palms sweat. “I heard from Miza he broke up.”

“Broke up?”

“You know? I was telling you that he’s dating that one girl from his middle school some time back, right? The one you totally freaked out over?” Tomoe chuckles.

“I don’t remember.” It’s a lie. She remembers everything, much clearer than Tomoe does probably. She’d gone over to check after Tomoe had informed her, digging up their old social media accounts to find out more about the girl. She’d seem like a nice person. She’s working in the library. She looks kind. She’s good for him. Hinami knows she’s good for him, but even then, it had left a bitter taste in the mouth and as she tries to be nice to the girl, her mind tries to conjure up possible flaws about her. She hates herself sometimes. She hates how it’s her who left, yet she can’t help but feel jealous whenever she finds out that Ayato is dating someone new.

Hearing that they broke up allows her to sigh in relief, though she doesn’t know why– it’s not like she has any chance with him right now, not while she’s not giving herself any chance.

“What else?” Hinami asks.

“That’s it.”

“That’s it?”

“Well don’t sound so surprised. I’m not Kirishima Ayato’s personal paparazzi or something. I don’t stalk him or anything and this is what I’ve heard recently,” Tomoe complains.

Maybe she should hire a private investigator to follow him. The thought itself makes her blush; it’s too weird and creepy. She can’t help wanting to know more and more about his life and about him but still, refuse to go meet him. She knows he’s long over her already. Even if Tomoe says he’s still looking for her, Hinami finds it hard to believe that when he’s already had at least three different girlfriends since she left. He doesn’t have to be in love with her to be searching for her as well. They were friends before that.

She remembers his words to her about how no one will ever be able to sweep him off his feet. He’d been so sure and confident about his love for her back then. Hinami had been doubtful. Now, she knows she’s right. His feelings aren’t that sturdy after all. People could change them. Those girls managed to win him over. They probably deserve him anyway, so much more than Hinami can ever hope for.

But a part of her still holds on to the slight ray of hope she has. Maybe he hasn’t forgotten her. She’s lost count of the number of guys she’s spent time with over the course of the five years since she had left Tokyo. She’d dated one man as well. That hadn’t turned out well. She hadn’t been able to commit herself to him as well. Besides, he wasn’t that nice a man as well. When he found out about her previous relationship with Ayato, he had called her a creep and had accused her of doing the same thing with him. Maybe he wasn’t that far off, but he’s wrong in one thing– if she truly was using him to replace someone, it wasn’t Kaneki.

But Hinami knows she hadn’t dated him as some kind of replacement for Ayato. She’d tried to forget Ayato then. She still hadn’t understood back then why Ayato occupied her mind so much– she’d been too convinced her feelings were as a result of Kaneki’s words. It’s only after her whole predicament with her now ex and the couple of flings she had after that she decided she can’t run away from the truth anymore.

At some point in time, she really did fall for Ayato. She can run away from him. She can run away from her actions. She can run away from Tokyo. But she’ll never be able to run away from those feelings.

Dating isn’t for her, but she had dated someone while being in love with Ayato. Maybe Ayato did the same. It’s a possibility that the most optimistic part of her does not want to let go off. Even if she can’t be with him, just knowing that she still has a place in his heart is enough to give her some strength.

As cursed as it is, Hinami supposes she always has to live with that figure from her past. She’s always going to be led by her feelings for him. She can’t imagine moving on. She wonders if this is how he had felt when he was with her all those years ago– an intense, surging desire which feels like it can never be quelled. She doesn’t think that anything can change her feelings right now, not even Kaneki suddenly signing for a divorce and appearing before her with a declaration of his love for her.

 _He doesn’t have to be in the past._ As always, that tiny voice in her head sings in her ears. It’s right. She can always turn back. She can always grab a quick ride to Tokyo and go back to everyone she had left behind. They’ll still be there– _Ayato_ will still be there. She knows that he will never forget her and that he will always be waiting for her. It’s her that ran away from him. Maybe now they can fix things. He had broken up. She can try to make him fall for her again.

But she knows there’s no point. She can’t return to Tokyo. It’s too scary. Putting a distance between herself and the city– between her and everyone in the city– has made it easier to deal with everything. Her final year of college was a mess. She had just barely met the requirements for her to keep her scholarship and reap its benefits. It might sound alright for most people but she’d been constantly maintaining a perfect score throughout, only for things to start to pummel in the final semesters– after Ayato and her had decided to end things.

She can’t return, but she can still go for a two-day visit. She just won’t be seeing his face. That should be fine. _Right?_

“I’m going to hang up now if there’s nothing else,” Tomoe says.

“Oh, yeah, there’s nothing,” Hinami replies quickly. She hadn’t noticed she was spacing out. “I’ll text you the details about what time I’m coming over.”

“Nice! I’ll pick you up at the station. Bye, Hinami.”

“Bye.”

Tomoe hangs up and Hinami’s left in complete silence again. Even the crickets had fallen silent. Hinami looks at the phone in her hand. She’s just one call away from him. She still has his number– she doesn’t think he’s changed it. All she has to do is call him and things might be better for her– for them. But she had avoided him so long that she doesn’t know how he’d respond. Would he look at her with those painful eyes again? Would he get angry? Maybe he’d lose his temper like those guys she’s been with– picking up the nearest object and hurling it at the _useless fucking cunt who’d just leave after a good fuck_.

She hates those people. They’d always end up a disappointment in one way or another. Even if they may look like him, style their hair like him, dress like him, smoke like him, drink their beer like him or even talk like him, none of them are him. They’re always wrong in one way or another, but in most cases, it’s their personalities. They’re warped and disgusting. Just a short time with them and Hinami already knows she’s making a mistake. Ayato would never look at her in that manner. He might love her and he might want to sleep with her, but never once had he looked at her with terrifying leery eyes. Even when he was fucking her in the alley, outraged from the things she had said, he never treated her that badly. She knows she can always count on him. No matter what, it’s safe beside him. None of the men she had met were like that, not even her ex-boyfriend.

She misses Ayato. She misses what they had. She misses what they could have been. She wishes he had never left that day. She wishes she hadn’t made him so uncomfortable in the first place. If things had gone differently, maybe they might be a couple now; maybe they might have a family.

She shakes her head. That’s just wishful thinking. Had she never left, she might still be stupidly believing that she’s in love with Kaneki.

Hinami scrolls through her contact list. She still has his number. She taps on Ayato’s name, staring at the tiny photo of him in amusement. She’d taken this in high school, during one of their study sessions. He hadn’t noticed her. He was too busy focusing on the math problems in front of him. He actually looked really good in it— he looks good in most photos that she has of him.

She has a lot of photos of him on her phone. She has never deleted any of them. When her phone memory started to get full, she found herself deleting off recent photos– photos of herself, photos of her and colleagues and every single photo she has of her ex-boyfriend. But she never touches a single one of Ayato’s. She doesn’t look at them but she doesn’t delete them either. When her phone reached a point where she desperately needed more space, she simply went on a diet for a couple of months so she could afford one with more memory space.

This time, she looks at them. She’s going back to Tokyo anyway. She can afford to be more rebellious regarding the oath she’s made. Staring at his face, she realises that it’s been so long since they’ve been together and that she had already started to forget how he looks like. Had his eyes always been that big? She never noticed how long his lashes are– or had she, only to forget in these five years? His lips are pretty thin. Hinami had recalled them being really soft. She can swear they must have been a little thicker.

 _Oh_. She reddens a little, realising she’s staring at his lips out of all things. She shakes her head and changes the picture. But the more she goes, the more obscure her observations start to get. She remembers how soft his skin is. She remembers the sound he makes whenever she kisses junction where his neck and shoulder meet. She remembers how sensitive that area between his shoulder blades is. She remembers the strength of his grip as he pinned her down on his bed–

She stops herself right there, closing the photo app and locking her phone. She doesn’t need more memories, especially not these kinds. She needs to stop right now. She needs to bury everything deep down. She shouldn’t get distracted in Tokyo. If she thinks too much, she might get tempted into doing something she’d end up regretting. She’s going to get to Tokyo, spend some time with Tomoe and leave as soon as she can. She has to forget about Ayato.

* * *

The rest of the week passes by rather quickly and uneventfully. On Friday night, she gets on the train to Tokyo, carrying simply a handbag with some of her clothes. It’s only for two days. She doesn’t need to bring many things. She can always just buy whatever she needs.

When she gets off, Tomoe is already there. Tomoe isn’t a touchy person, but she still smiles widely at seeing Hinami and gives her a hug. It’s so rare for the two of them to meet that every meeting brings out Tomoe’s more emotional side.

“Thanks for coming,” she says.

“It’s fine. I think I needed a break from all the grading anyway,” Hinami laughs in response.

There’s so much for them to catch up on and they talk excitedly as they walk towards the hotel. The hotel isn’t that far away– the Tsukiyamas must have picked that spot for this reason. Hinami listens as Tomoe tells her about what is going on in her life right now. She’s working to play kendo professionally, while also working part-time as a coach for young children. There’s someone from work that has been annoying her– a rich kid who made it to where he is now because his parents could afford to hire the best coaches from the country to train him.

Hinami tells her about her life as well. Her students this year are a little mischievous, but she knows that deep down, they do want to learn– every child wants to, in one way or another. She’s teaching in a small school so there’s not much stress. The staff are kind. She can turn to the principal during hard times. The parents of the children aren’t too demanding as well. Workwise, she doesn’t regret her choice.

“So leaving Tokyo wasn’t that bad, huh?” Tomoe muses.

“It might be harder to teach here. I don’t know if I can find the same kind of connection with the students here,” Hinami admits.

“What’s the chance of you coming back to live here?” Tomoe questions.

She doesn’t have to think much. She’s pondered over this question enough. “Probably zero.”

“I see.” Tomoe seems understanding but Hinami can sense the sadness from her voice as well. It must be hard for her. Hinami is her closest friend and yet she can’t see her that often. Hinami knows that everyone else from their college and high school still meets up frequently– she sees the photos whenever she does some looking up on their social media accounts. Tomoe has never been too close with them, but she does show up in the photos occasionally. They must have become better friends in the past five years.

The hotel lobby seems pretty crowded when Hinami and Tomoe arrives. Hinami’s surprised, but after thinking about it, she realises it makes sense that one of Tokyo’s top hotels is crowded on a weekend. Even then, it seems a little too crowded; there must be some kind of an event going on there.

“Just wait here while I go deal with everything,” Tomoe says. Hinami nods. Tomoe heads over to the reception desk while Hinami remains at the corner. There isn’t much for her to do aside from admiring the place– the glass chandelier hanging in the middle of the ceiling, the delicate carvings of the wooden staircases, the intricate golden designs on the beige walls and the maroon velvet curtains by a couple of the windows. Most of the guests are well-dressed– the men in various suits and the women in different sophisticated dresses. Hinami can’t help feeling out of place in her simple white dress and cream cardigan. She should have worn something a little fancier. She should have at least worn some heels.

Her eyes lazily scan the crowd until the stop at a familiar face. She stiffens, immediately moving away so that she can slide behind a pillar. Her heart is racing, beating so hard that she’s afraid someone might hear it. She pulls out her phone immediately and rushes a text to Tomoe.

_What is Big Brother doing here??_

Tomoe seems to be waiting for something at the reception desk and she’s been using her phone for the past minute or so. Her reply comes immediately.

_How am I supposed to know?_

Hinami looks over to the crowd again, only to jump back even faster this time. Kaneki isn’t alone. His whole family is here. She’s about to type more but is cut short by her phone ringing. Tomoe is calling her.

“What’s wrong with you?” Tomoe complains the moment Hinami picks up.

“Big Brother is here with his wife and kid!” Hinami hisses.

“So?”

“His wife is Ayato’s sister!”

“It must be some kind of corporate event for the company he’s working for. They usually invite families. It’s normal for the wife to be there,” Tomoe says relaxedly. “Don’t worry, the love of your life isn’t going to show up.”

Tomoe continues talking but Hinami isn’t paying attention anymore. A familiar voice had caught her ears and when she turned to it, she must have died right on the spot. She knew this was a bad idea. She shouldn’t have come. She should have stayed at home. She’d probably be with her colleagues now, or at some guys’ place. Tokyo is a mistake.

“Ayato is here,” she squeaks softly.

“Huh?” Tomoe seems confused but for some reason, her voice doesn’t sound surprised at all. “Must be a mistake. Maybe you saw someone else that just looks like him.”

Hinami shakes her head. He’s standing a distance away from her but he’s right in front of her. He’s grumbling on the phone about how he can’t find whoever he’s talking to and the crowd is so annoying that he just wants to go home. He does seem annoyed as well. He’s tapping his foot, his brows are furrowed and his lips are pursed. Hinami’s throat goes dry simply from watching him. He’s _right there_. His hair is pushed back and he’s in a suit. She’s never seen him in formal wear before. He looks good– too good.

Is this what she’s been missing out on all these years?

“I’m fucking serious, Sis, I can’t find either of you at all–” He stops. He’s been looking around all the while. Hinami should have known that he eventually is going to turn to her direction. She should have stepped away. She should have hidden behind the pillar better. But her brain and body had failed her the moment she saw him and now, she’s frozen right before him. She can’t move. She can’t run away.

She almost doesn’t want to.

“I’ll call you back.” He says slowly, hanging up his phone and sliding it into the pocket of his pants. He stares at her warily, probably wondering if what he’s seeing is real. He takes a step forward, then another and then another, and soon, he’s walking towards her in long, hurried strides.

He says nothing when he reaches her, hands resting on her shoulders and pushing her back to the pillar. He stills, staring at her with wide eyes that are now clouded with so many emotions that Hinami doesn’t know what kind of reaction she should expect from him. She doesn’t know what he’s going to do. She doesn’t know what she should do.

It feels like another five years have passed before Ayato speaks. “I found you.” His voice is soft. He sounds so different as compared to when he was yelling on the phone to his sister, but he’s always sound like that when he talks to her– gentler, kinder, so much nicer. She’s seen sides of him he’ll never show anyone else.

“I… need to go,” she says quickly. She pushes him away and pushes past him to start to leave. She still has time to return home. The last train is not until hours later. She did promise to spend the weekend with Tomoe but that promise is the last thing on her mind right now. Tomoe had assured her that she won’t see him, but she has now and she’s too unprepared for this. She doesn’t know how to react. She doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t even want to think about it. She just wants to leave.

Her heart is racing. She can’t breathe right. The world is spinning, moving far too fast for her to pay any attention to anything. She can’t think right. Why is this happening?

Ayato grabs her wrist and she stops, turning to him against her better judgement. He seems unsure as well. It doesn’t look like he knows what he’s doing either, or what he should be doing. It pleases her, more than she’d like to admit, to have him stop her like that– to have him hold on to her. It makes her feel wanted by him. It makes her feel special. Maybe she still has a chance or a place in his heart.

She shakes her head. What Ayato feels should not bother her now. She had made up her mind back then. He belongs to her past. There’s no place for him in her present, especially not in her future– there shouldn’t.

“I need to leave,” she says. She tries to push his hand away but he resists, tightening his grip instead.

“No,” he insists. “I’m not letting go of you.”

She could people starting to notice the two of them. She doesn’t want to attract any unwanted attention. She doesn’t want to give people the wrong idea either– not about her or Ayato. She relaxes a little bit, stepping closer to him. “Let me go. We can talk outside.”

Ayato hesitates, probably wondering if he can trust her. He releases her slowly– a finger at a time– before his hand drops to his side. It is a good time to run away right now, but she doesn’t know how he’d react. If he chases her, he might still catch up to her. He’d never trust her again then. She knows she has to give in for now.

Ayato follows her as she walks out, staying close enough to stop her in case she does choose to dash off, but still far enough to give her her personal space. She can tell from just walking beside him now just how much their relationship had deteriorated. Not that she should be surprised. They hadn’t talked in more than five years and she had pulled a complete disappearing act on him. She shouldn’t have expected anything more, but the current situation still makes her really upset.

She doesn’t know where she’s going. She just walks and walks. Ayato follows behind her until he probably got tired from all the silence and speaks up. “Did I do something wrong?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she replies immediately.

“Are you angry with me? Did I piss you off somehow?” he asks, his voice sounding more annoyed than before. “If it’s something I did, can you please tell me instead of ignoring me like this?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong. You should go.”

“Go?”

“Yes, you should leave now.”

She hears an exasperated groan from him. He grabs her hand again, pulling her into the alley they happen to be walking past. He pulls her slightly inside, away from the bustling crowd of the streets, and pushes her against the wall. He stares down at her with furrowed brows and Hinami tries her best to stay calm, to ignore the way her heart was beating like crazy from his touch or to slink under his gaze and just give in to him right there and then.

“You said we’re going to talk,” he growls. His voice sounds as if he’s right on the verge of snapping. She can’t blame him for getting angry. She’d have gotten angry too if he’d done this to her. The least she should have done was say something to him back then.

“I only said that because I didn’t want to cause a scene in the hotel,” Hinami replies. “There’s nothing for us to talk about.”

Ayato grimaces, shaking his head. “There might be nothing for you to talk about. I might mean nothing to you anymore. But it’s not the same for me. I need to know. I need to clear this up right now or I’m never going to move on.”

She doesn’t know how truthful he’s being right now. He sure did seem like he had moved on when he was dating those girls Tomoe had told her about, but then again, Hinami had dated someone too and it never worked out nor helped her with her own issues either.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Hinami says.

“There’s always something to talk about,” Ayato argues. “Even if you don’t want to talk about us, there’s a lot of other things out there for us to talk about. How are you? What are you doing now? What’s your life like? You know, just catch up.”

“Maybe I don’t want to catch up,” she argues back, pushing him away. Ayato’s eyes widen and she sees the familiar look flash in his eyes– the same look he’d have on his face whenever she spoke of Kaneki, whenever she pulled away from his kisses or whenever she had no words for him after he told her how much he loved her. It the expression she’s seen on his face the most. It reminds her once again just what her presence in his life meant for him– pain, helplessness, loneliness. She can’t bring him through all that again.

“Fine. If that’s what you want,” he says in a small voice, rubbing the back of his neck as he takes a step back. He’s looking away from her now, his face red in embarrassment. “I’m sorry.”

There’s nothing for him to be sorry for and she knows she should correct that. He’s going to keep thinking that he did something wrong and that he must have pissed her off. She knows he’s never going to be able to let go of that; she knows she’s never going to be able to let go of this. Ayato seems to be waiting for her to leave but she can’t bring herself to walk away. She simply stands there in silence.

There’s soft rumbling overhead and Ayato’s head shoots up immediately. “It’s going to rain,” he says slowly.

“We should get indoors,” she says. She starts to feel the raindrops on her face. It’s slow, still a very light drizzle, but she knows that she needs to leave soon or she’s going to get caught in the rain. She has to go back to the hotel anyway. Tomoe’s probably waiting for her. Hinami doesn’t know how long had passed since she’s left, but she hadn’t felt any messages or calls on her phone at all. She’s quite surprised she hadn’t heard anything from Tomoe. She should have gotten their room now.

“Let’s go back to the hotel.” Hinami starts to walk as she speaks, but she barely takes five steps before Ayato grabs her arm again, this time gripping her tighter than before.

“We won’t make it. It’s going to pour soon,” he says, his voice constricting as he speaks.

“It’s just a little rain. We can still run through it.”

“No, it’s too dangerous.” His eyes glaze over as he speaks. He shakes his head insistently. “You won’t make it to the hotel.”

“You can go wherever you want. I’m going back–” She falls silent as thunder rumbles again, drowning out her voice. The rain is slowly starting to get heavier.

“No,” Ayato says sternly and it doesn’t seem like he’s going to give in to her. His grip is tightening, starting to hurt her hand a little.

“Let me go. It’s only a little rain. It’s not going to kill me-” She stops, realisation dawning on her. She can try arguing with him about this, but she’s never going to win this, especially not with Ayato– especially not when he could have been killed under the rain before. “Fine. I’ll find the nearest shelter and wait out the rain, okay? Please let me go. It hurts.”

“Oh, sorry,” he whispers, dropping his hand and taking a step back again. “I’m going to go home now. My apartment is close by. If you want to drop in–”

“No.” Her answer was immediate and it makes him grimace again.

“I must have done something really bad to make you this pissed off,” he says weakly.

“You didn’t do anything,” Hinami says.

They arrive at the street and they both stop. Hinami looks around. The rain is getting heavier by the second. It’s getting hard to see without squinting. Her clothes are getting really wet as well. She tries to look for a place to wait under, but aside from a bus stop slightly down the road, her only options are the different apartment buildings that line the street– all somewhat a little too classy for a drenched girl to be waiting out the storm without looking out of place. She supposes she should try to ignore the world while she waits, or she could always try to squeeze herself under that crowded bus stop.

“Here,” Ayato murmurs. She hadn’t noticed him taking off his jacket until he puts it over her head.

“You don’t have to do this,” she grumbles, but she holds onto it to make sure it doesn’t fall.

“I’m fine. I live right across the street anyway,” he replies.

Hinami pauses, turning to him in disbelief. “No, you don’t.”

Ayato frowns slightly but there’s a cheeky glint in his eyes. “I do, actually.”

“Those apartments are really expensive!”

A smirk surfaces on his face a little. “I know.”

The road is empty and Ayato takes a glance towards both sides before he dashes across it. Hinami isn’t particularly fond of jaywalking but since the road is empty anyway, she runs after him. He’s waiting for her on the other side, still smirking and with an arm raised about his head. He starts walking and Hinami follows behind him.

“What is it? I thought you didn’t want to come with me,” he says.

“I don’t. I’m just headed to that bus stop,” she says insistently. It’s ridiculous– the bus stop is full of people taking cover from the rain– but she can’t really think of anywhere else to go. She doesn’t want to step into one of those apartments looking like this.

“You’re not going to fit under there,” he laughs.

“Then what do you suggest?”

“Come over to my place. You can dry up as well,” he says, just as she expected him to. She could take up on the offer– she really wants to see what the inside of those apartments look like– but she knows she can’t accept that. The last time she did, it ended very badly. She doesn’t want a repeat of it.

Hinami doesn’t know what expression she has on her face right now, but Ayato seems to be able to tell what she’s thinking simply from watching her. He sighs and Hinami turns to him. He’s smiling weakly. “I promise nothing will happen. You can stay in the guest room and I won’t bother you in there at all.”

The rain keeps getting heavier and Hinami knows that the only thing keeping Ayato from running off right now is her. His jacket gives her head some shelter at least– enough so that she knows she won’t fall too sick. But he’s completely drenched from head to toe.

“Fine,” she says softly. “But you don’t talk to me at all.”

“After you’re all settled, of course,” he says. He puts his arm around her and quickens his pace, pulling her along with him. Hinami follows, letting him lead her past a couple of buildings before slipping into one of them. This building doesn’t seem to be as sophisticated as the others, but it still does look like it probably costs a lot. Hinami doubts she could afford it with her current pay. She follows him in silence, walking up to the elevators. She pulls his jacket off her head, letting it rest on her shoulders instead. As they wait for it to arrive, Hinami finds her eyes being drawn to him out of all things she could be looking at. His white shirt is practically transparent right now– soaked and plastered against his skin. It seems he has been maintaining his body from the last time she’s seen it. He probably still spends a lot of time in the gym. She supposes that means he didn’t sustain any permanent injuries in the accident, unlike the first time it happened.

She follows him into the elevator in silence and then follows him down the hallway till his apartment. When he leads her into the apartment, she stops, her eyes widening in surprise. It looks far nicer inside than the rest of the building does. He must be taking really good care of it somehow, unlike his previous apartment.

“I don’t actually own this place,” he admits. “This building belongs to my workplace and I simply rented a unit. It’s much cheaper for us.”

She looks over at him and he’s rubbing the back of his neck, a slight blush on his cheeks. “You’re working as a reporter right?”

“Yeah. For a sports magazine,” he says, and then he frowns. “How did you know that?”

She pauses for a moment. She really isn’t supposed to know that, especially if she wanted to keep her unbothered act going. She looks away immediately and shrugged. “Tomoe mentioned it just now.”

“Just now? You don’t keep in touch with her either?” Ayato sounds surprised. Maybe Tomoe had mentioned something to him about them being in touch. Hinami hadn’t told her to keep everything silent, just where she was living.

Hinami clears her throat. “Well, not exactly.”

“Oh. I thought you’d at least have kept in touch with her,” he admits. It does seem like he’s genuinely sad, but Ayato doesn’t push the conversation anymore. He kicks his shoes off and walks in. “You know, if you’re too uncomfortable here with me, I can leave. I can just grab a change of clothes and an umbrella and then I’ll go–”

“No,” she cuts in immediately. “It’s fine. This is fine.”

Everything is eerily similar to their last meeting. It almost feels like the gods are giving her a second chance at this, telling her not to mess up this time. Even if she can settle what they have, she can at least try to keep him safe from harm. She won’t know what to do if she chases him out of his apartment in the rain again, only for something to happen to him.

“I’ll get some towels. Come in and make yourself at home,” he says. He leaves her there and walks into one of the rooms. Hinami steps out of her shoes. His couch seems waterproof so it shouldn’t be a problem for her to sit. As she waits for him, she starts out the window, watching the rain fall heavier and heavier. Just like that day. Everything is just the same.

She doesn’t notice him returning until she feels the towels over her shoulders. She looks up at him and he offers her a smile. “Want something to drink?”

“Yeah something hot will be nice,” she says.

Ayato nods and he leaves for the kitchen. His current apartment is unlike his previous one and she can’t see the kitchen from where she is in the living room; it’s all covered up now. The apartment looks so much better than his previous one. He must be doing very well now. Hinami’s sure he probably still isn’t the happiest he can be— he’s much more suited for being out on the field than standing by aside and watching everyone play.

She lets herself relax a little, leaning back and relaxing in the seat. She uses the towel to dry herself— particularly her hair, before she takes off his jacket. Her clothes aren’t too wet thanks to it, but they’re still too damp for her to feel comfortable in. She was only wearing a thin cotton dress after all. It didn’t require much rain for it to get soaked. She’s just thankful that she had chosen to wear a dark colour.

Lightning flashes outside, illuminating the room for a moment. A short while after, the rumbling of thunder follows, only to be accompanied by a sudden sound from the kitchen— a loud clank of ceramic hitting something hard. Hinami glances over at the kitchen. There’s silence that follows. She doesn’t even hear him moving about anymore. She gets up and starts to walk over.

“Ayato, is everything okay?” she asks the moment she enters. Ayato jolts a little when he hears her voice, turning to look at her with an embarrassed smile.

“Oh, it’s nothing. The thunder kinda startled me and I dropped a couple of the cups,” he laughs, though it sounds forced to her.

She looks over at the sink he was staring down at before she had spoken. A pair of white cups lay at the bottom. They don’t look broken to her, but Ayato seems really tensed for some reason.

“Is everything okay?” she asks, lightly touching his arm. “You’ve appeared a little spaced out since just now.”

“Yeah,” he says quickly, though it’s obvious that he’s lying to her. Hinami remains silent, watching as he takes out another pair of cups from the cabinet above and starts to pour the coffee. His hands are somewhat shaky but as he continues to pour it, she can see him stabilising a little, his body relaxing as time passed. But she knows something is on his mind right now and she can’t help feeling a little curious.

“Are you scared of thunder?” she asks. Ayato remains silent, finishing up the coffee and placing the kettle down. He takes a cup and passes it to her. He doesn’t say anything in response to her until he takes a couple of sips from his own drink.

“It’s not thunder I’m scared of. It’s just that today, just like that day…” he pauses and then shakes his head. “It’s fine. I don’t want to bother you or anything. Like I promised, I’ll show you the room you can stay in—”

“Wait,” she cuts in. “It’s fine. It’s not a bother. Tell me.”

Ayato raises his eyebrow. “Weren’t you the one who didn’t want me talking to you?”

“I…” She sighs shaking her head. She doesn’t know what to say. He’s right. She is supposed to stay as far away from him as possible.

“I think it’s okay,” he says instead. “You can let yourself go now. I don’t know what you’re up to but it feels to me like you’re punishing yourself. It’s been five years since everything happened.”

“I know,” she says softly.

Ayato puts his cup down. “We don’t have to do anything you know. That relationship we had is in the past. That has ended. But it doesn’t mean we still can’t be friends, right? We were friends before all that.”

“We were,” she agrees, looking down at her coffee and nodded.

“So I think it’s okay to forget what happened—”

“I can’t,” she cuts in really quickly. “I can’t forget what happened. Everything that happened to you was so painful and it hurts just to think about it. I know it’s all my fault. You were in pain because of me and yet I didn’t do anything and ignored your feelings and used you and—”

She falls silent as he grabs her by the arms, the sudden jerk causing her to drop the cup of coffee she’s holding. It falls to the ground with a loud crash, only after spilling all over him. Hinami freezes. The coffee is scalding hot. It’s going to hurt him.

“Ayato, your shirt,” she says quickly, pulling the towel off her shoulders and pressing it against his shirt. Ayato winces a little but his eyes remained fixed on her, silently watching her as she tries to wipe the coffee off him. She can feel the heat from the coffee as she touches his shirt. It had dried up a little since the rain but now it’s damp again and it might end up staining as well. She hadn’t meant for it but it looks like she’s causing trouble for him again.

“It’s fine now Hinami,” he murmurs but Hinami shakes her head. It’s not fine— not when it might have scalded him through his clothes. She tugs on the hem of his shirt, freeing it from under the waistband of his pants, and lifts it up slightly. His skin is slightly reddish, but it doesn’t look too bad. They’re lucky. If she hadn’t used her towel immediately, it might have gotten worse.

“So cute.” Hinami looks up at his words, but she doesn’t have time to react before he’s holding her chin and pulling her face closer to him. He tilts his head slightly. His lips part a little. Her eyes linger on them. She’s right. They are thicker than they look in that particular photo; it must have been a bad angle. Her eyes narrow a little and her vision starts to blur from her eyes watering. So she still remembers that well huh? She remembers everything about him so well. She knows exactly how those lips would feel if he leans forward to kiss her right now. His touch is just like before. His eyes… She looks up at his eyes. His expression is the same as usual. He looks slightly sad, but also a little happy. He still looks at her like she’s the most important thing in his world.

She feels like crying.

“You don’t feel anything for me, right?” he asks. It’s hard to deny anything when they’re this close, when he’s holding her this gently and when her heart is beating so hard it might just break out of her chest. It’s hard to lie to him when he’s looking at her like that— when he’s bearing everything out to her.

“I don’t love you.” Somehow she forces it out. Just like back then, she denies it for him— he deserves someone better, someone who doesn’t have a terrible past with him like she does.

“You said the same thing the other day, Hinami, and I’m going to ask you the same thing back. Why does it sound like it hurts you to say it?”

She hadn’t been able to answer him the other time because Kaneki appeared at that moment. But the question had remained etched in her mind. Every night she went to sleep thinking about it, wondering what she’d have said and what would have happened had Kaneki come five minutes later. If she had been sure of her words, of course, nothing would change. But she hadn’t been sure of them. She’d spoken the words as they surfaced in her mind. She hadn’t even thought about things. She just went with it all.

She feels like she’s going to explode. She can’t keep it in anymore. She’s kept everything to herself for more than five years.

“It sounds like it hurts because it does, you idiot,” she cries out, tears streaming freely down her face. Ayato’s eyes widen and he takes a step back, though his hands remain on her. Hinami brings her hands to her face, trying her best to wipe the tears that are now not stopping. “It just hurts. Not being with you hurts. Not seeing you hurts. Being separated like this hurts.”

“But you were the one who left,” he grumbles. “Where did all this come from? I thought you happily moved on. You brought all this on yourself.”

“You wanted to end it in the first place!” She tries to push him away but he steadies her with his hands, holding her in place.

“Be careful. There’s the broken cup on the floor. I don’t want you to get hurt,” he warns, looking down before he pushes her slightly away from the cup. “Here. It’s safe.”

“What does that matter? It can’t compare to how much you’ve been hurt,” she complains. “Let me go.”

He does. He releases her this time. He doesn’t say anything but when she looks up, she sees a look on his face that makes her step back from him. He’s fuming. His brows are furrowed, his eyes are narrowed and he’s looking at her with the intent to kill. He takes a step forward and she takes one back quickly, squeaking out a quick apology. Ayato grabs her hand, pulling her to him.

 _Oh no_. She messed up. She doesn’t know what he’s going to do. She doesn’t even know what he’s capable of doing. He pulls close, stopping her right before she runs face first into his chest. He pauses for a moment and she can’t tell if she’s sensing hesitation or control from him at this moment. But the pause last for a heartbeat. In the next moment, she’s against him, his arms around her. He buries his face into her hair and she can feel him nuzzling against the top of his head.

“Is this what’s been bothering you all the while? You’re so stupid.” He’s back to being gentle again. There’s only thin cloth that’s separating her from his bare skin right now. It’s still pretty translucent. She can still see his body, even if she can’t feel it.

“It’s true.”

“It pisses me off every time you say it. You never did anything to hurt me, Hinami,” he says. He tightens his embrace and against her own wishes, Hinami relaxes. Even on a cold night like this, he’s so warm. It’s soothing to have him hold her like that. He’s held her this way as she cried in his arms before. He’s always been patient with her. He had listened to everything— about her parents, about Kaneki, about how lonely she is. Maybe not much has changed after all.

She forces the lump down her throat. “The accident—”

“If you bring up the accident one more time, I really am going to get mad. You told me to stay. I left. That’s the end of the story. You’re not at fault.”

“Then, everything else,” she says instead. “That sleeping together thing. It’s dumb. It’s stupid.”

“It was my idea, wasn’t it?” he reminds. She can’t argue against that. It had been his idea. He’d been so in love that he’d suggested something stupid and she’d been so in love that she had accepted it. She nods against him and she feels him stroke the back of her head. “I’m kinda guilty as well. I complained about it to you all the time, but I think I’ve been slipping into that as well. I couldn’t forget you so when there were other girls who wanted to sleep with me, I…”

He trails off and they both fall into silence. She can picture him being approached by various girls. He’s attractive. He’s nice. People love him. He has a social media following that Hinami can only dream off— it continues to climb steadily as she’s seen in her many visits to his accounts in the five years. He has the pick of the lot. He can sleep with anyone he wants and they won’t even care if he doesn’t reciprocate his feelings.

But then again, hadn’t it been the same for her? She thinks about the many bad experiences she’s had with men over the past five years. She thinks about the many time they’ve given her their number expecting a call, only for her to toss the paper into the bin on her way home.

“It’s hard to drop the habit. Me too. I did it too.”

“Who did you think of?” Ayato asks.

“Who did I think of?” she murmurs to herself, lazily tracing a pattern against him. She closes her eyes, letting herself lean on him completely. “I stopping thinking about Kaneki long before we stopped sleeping together.”

“You mentioned it before,” Ayato says flatly.

“But you never believed it.” She pulls away slightly— just a little— to look up at him. Ayato looks a little confused, like he’s struggling to accept the words he’s hearing right now. “Just like you didn’t believe my confession. You said it was because Kaneki put it in my head.”

“Yeah, but I also thought I didn’t care,” he says. “The accident happened because I turned back— because I thought it doesn’t matter how you fell for me. If you believed that you’re in love with me, that’s enough for me.”

She remembers him mentioning this vaguely when he went to see her in her room. But she’d been too focused on her own emotions back then that she hadn’t thought much of his words. After that, she just chose to forget. But it comes rushing back right now. She hadn’t listened to him properly; she hadn’t wanted to.

She slumps against him again. “It’s unfair. That’s unfair.”

“It’s unfair that you’ve left me hanging all these years,” he grumbles back.

Hinami feels herself smiling— a slight one at least. “I’m sorry.”

“You’ve got to make it up to me,” he says, coughing slightly. Hinami stays silent, closing her eyes again. Her heart hasn’t slowed down. Its rapid beating continues rapidly. It’s almost hard to breathe like this. But leaning against his chest, she can feel his heartbeat as well. She remembers the many times she has lain against his chest like this, listening to his heartbeat as it lulls her to sleep. He’s been calm then, but right now, she can tell he’s nervous

It probably took a lot of courage for him to ask that question.

He pulls away, hands dropping to his sides before he brings one to his neck. “I’m sorry. That was stupid. Just forget I said that.”

He turns away from her but stays in the spot, rubbing the back of his neck. He doesn’t say anything else and for a moment, she doesn’t say anything either. They hadn’t talked about. She had brought it up briefly but they’d never actually talked about it. Yes, her feelings were a huge mess back then— she may or may not have loved him when they were sleeping together. But Hinami is still sure of one thing. Amidst the confusing whirl of emotions within her, there had, at the very least, been some sort of physical attraction to him. _That_ was mutual and she sure it still is.

“Ayato,” she says and his glances at her from the corner of his eyes. She holds her hand out to him. “Please let me make it up to you.”

His eyes widen tenfold. She’s sure he hadn’t expected this at all. He stares for her hand for what she believes has to be a whole minute at least. He reaches for her hesitantly, warily looking to her face as he does so. He takes his hand and she can swear she sees a flash of surprise in his eyes when her fingers wrap around his as if he’d been waiting for her to pull her hand away and declare it a joke.

“Are you sure?” he asks, his voice cracking a little.

She is. She’s sure about it and she knows she wants to do it before she changes her mind. She might regret this when she wakes up at night— she isn’t too sure. But she’s sure she will definitely regret turning away now.

“Where’s the bedroom?”

He doesn’t give a verbal reply. Instead, he pulls her along, avoiding the broken cup as they walk. He probably should clear that up first. She considers telling him about it but chooses to leave it be; she doesn’t want to ruin the mood. Besides, since she had spilt all the coffee onto him already, there’s none of it left to stain the floor.

Ayato pulls her into the room, still in silence. He continues to hold her hand as he closes the door behind them. They pause for a moment, Hinami taking the chance to marvel at the difference between his current bedroom and his previous one. The layout is still pretty much the same, but the room is much more spacious. It’s also a whole lot darker than his previous one, which had windows facing a busy street. She’d never expect back then that Ayato would ever be able to afford such a place. He barely had enough to pay his rent.

“Are you sure about this?” he asks.

Her eyes move to the unmade double bed in the middle of the room. She wonders how many girls had been on it— how many times had Ayato brought a girl in this room, holding her hands, as he closes the door behind her? Tomoe had mentioned he had a few girlfriends after Hinami left and she knew about him bringing other girls home as well. Of course, Tomoe doesn’t know the numbers and it’s not like Ayato is going to post pictures of every single girl he fucked online. She considers asking Ayato but she wonders if she’d be able to handle the number. It’s only a tad bit— or maybe it’s a whole lot— but she feels jealous brewing deep within her. In these five years, she had missed a lot and she can never get them back. She knows it’s a useless emotion to feel. She’d been sleeping with a lot of guys as well. She’s in no position to judge him. But still, she isn’t happy with it.

“Hinami?” he calls out softly.

Hinami turns to him. The wariness is still in his eyes. She can tell he’s ready to let go of her and take ten steps back if she ever changes her mind. It’s ridiculous how considerate he’s being of her. She wishes he’d be a little more selfish. She releases his hand and there’s a brief second of panic, before the usually sombre expression takes over. She can roughly guess what’s on his mind right now— _ah, maybe she doesn’t want this after all_.

She keeps him in her view from the corner of her eyes as she takes a few steps away from him and towards the bed. He’s watching her silently, trying not to let his confusion and slight disappointment show. Hinami stops. She brings her hands to her shoulder and slowly, she peels her cardigan of her. Ayato’s eyes widen slightly as he watches the cardigan fall off her shoulder and noiselessly down to the floor. She turns around, facing him, and sits on the edge of the bed.

“What are you doing over there?” she laughs.

He reddens a little. “Nothing. I just thought…” He stops speaking and shakes his head. He walks over to her, undoing the buttons on the cuffs of his sleeves. He stands in front of her and looks down at her, lightly brushing her hair away from her face. “Tell me what you want.”

“I want,” she says lazily, her finger hooking itself on the waistband of his pants and tugging softly. Hinami can’t help grinning and she looks up at him and Ayato mirrors the smile. “I think I want these off.”

“My pants?” he says, feigning ignorance.

“Everything.” She undoes the button to his shirt slowly, moving upwards one button at a time. He watches her in silence, without moving an inch. After she’s done with the final button, she presses her hands lightly against his stomach, before pushing them upwards, running up the ridges of his abs and chest and to his shoulder. She brings her hands down his arms, feeling the slight tremble in his biceps against her fingertips. His shirt falls to the floor, right by her cardigan.

Hinami leans forward, pressing her lips against his body. They hadn’t kissed yet today. The fleeting thought crosses her mind. It feels like she’s back in the days when she had not allowed her to kiss him. It had been such a ridiculous restriction. How did it matter if he kissed her or not when they were having sex almost every day? But back then it had felt important. It felt wrong for her to let him kiss her when her heart was with someone else. She’d been so childish back then. But she wonders if it’s unfair of her to force him into abiding by that rule when she hadn’t done so herself. Ayato didn’t kiss her when she was in love with Kaneki, but she had allowed many other men to kiss her when she was in love with Ayato.

She grits her teeth slightly, looking up at him. Ayato seems to be waiting for her. She doesn’t know if he’s still unsure about this— about her. He clearly wants this, but Hinami knows that all his hesitation is for her sake.

She climbs backwards onto the bed, eyes locked to his. She nods her head to call him to her. Ayato bites his lip, staying still for a moment. She watches him take in a deep breath and let it out in a soft sigh. He climbs on with her— over her— while keeping his eyes fixed on hers. He brings a hand to her face, pulling her closer to her, closing his eyes and tilting his head a little.

If she had been unfair to him by making all those men kiss her, she’s going to make it up to him now. She’s going to have to kiss him as much as she can. The thought doesn’t bother her at all. If anything, it excites her.

When their lips touch, she loses herself momentarily. This is what she’s been missing, she realises. This is what she’s lost in those five years— what those other girls had gotten. She feels butterflies in her tummy. She can feel her body trembling slightly. It’s like she’s experiencing everything for the first time again; it’s just like losing her first kiss. She hadn’t remembered her first kiss— she’d been too drunk. But it had been Ayato so there’s nothing to suggest that it would feel any different from this, or for the other countless kisses they had shared.

His fingers are playing with the strap of her pink dress, tugging on it and pushing it off her shoulder. Her hands wind around his body, one cupping the back of his head to hold him in place, to keep him as close to her as she can, while the other roams his back. His skin is as smooth as before, his muscles as taut as they were. She deepens the kiss, sliding her tongue into his mouth. His taste makes her giddy, but she pulls back immediately, staring at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Did you stop smoking?” she asks.

Ayato blinks in surprise, probably taken aback by the abrupt stop. It takes a moment for him before he answers, grinning cheekily and letting out a soft laugh. “Yeah, I did actually.”

Her head spins. That taste that she’d particularly looked for— that disgusting, bitter tinge that she had always hated but tasted on his lips and tongue— isn’t there anymore. In the past five years, it was that taste that allowed her to close and eyes and pretend that she isn’t kissing a random stranger, but Ayato. It was that taste and the putrid stench that stuck to their clothes and body. She moves closer to him, burying her face in the crook of his neck as she breathed in deeply. She doesn’t recall smelling it while she hugged him just now; she doesn’t smell it now. She smells rain, coffee and a little sweat clinging onto his skin. But the smell that had been so familiar and surprisingly comforting isn’t there any longer.

She pulls away again. “Why?”

“I moved back home after college. I didn’t want to smoke when Ichika’s around and she hated the way I smelled because of it too,” he says.

Hinami pouts. “You never stopped when I told you to. I hated it as well.”

Ayato laughs again. “Yeah, well, you’re not my ten-year-old niece.”

He must have managed to build his relationship with his family in her absence. He must be close to them now.

“Are you happy now?” she asks.

He moves closer to her, kissing her shoulder before stopping right by her ear. “Right now? Yes. Very happy.”

Ayato kisses right below her ear, before moving down towards her chin and neck. She closes her eyes, hugging him. She tilts her head to give him more access and he greedily presses harder against her, nibbling her skin slightly. She’s going to have to wear turtlenecks if he keeps going like this, but Hinami has no intention of stopping. She keeps her eyes closed, savouring the way her stomach clenches in pleasure at his actions.

His hands snake to her back and he tugs the zipper of her dress down. He pulls away from her, only to immediately start ripping the dress off her. He tosses it aside before he pushes her down on the bed, kissing her again.

Her undergarments are mismatched. She hadn’t even considered sex for the night and hadn’t bothered about what she wore. If she knew earlier on she’s going to be on someone’s bed— that too Ayato’s bed— she’d at least have worn black and maybe some lace. But here she is in plain white and beige. She looks dumb, but it doesn’t seem like Ayato noticed. His hands are under her right now and he’s already undoing her bra clasp. He hadn’t even taken a look at her in her underwear.

She feels a lot better about herself when he removes the bra and throws it aside. He pulls back a little now, looking down at her, reddening a little at her bare chest. It almost feels like he’s getting embarrassed from looking at her breasts.

“What are you doing?” she sighs.

He looks up at her, reddening a little more. “Ah, no. It’s just. I wasn’t sure.”

“Wasn’t sure?”

“This is okay, right? I hadn’t really asked you how far you wanted to go,” he admits. She’s confused for a moment. But he does look genuinely worried. It doesn’t look like he’s faking anything or teasing her.

“I want to do it, of course,” she says quickly. “I’m not leading you on or anything and I’m not going to leave you hanging this time!”

He reddens even more and turns away. “Idiot.”

“Get down,” she murmurs. She pushes him off her to lie on his back and straddles him. “You have too much clothes on.”

She can feel his eyes on her as she moves down to undo his belt. It takes awhile for her to figure it out and he waits patiently in silence. She unbuttons his pants and starts pulling them down. She’s so used to dealing with skinny jeans that this doesn’t take much effort at all. She realises again that he’s wearing formal wear this time and how unusual it is for her to see him in such clothes. She doesn’t know how frequently he dresses like this; she doesn’t know what she wears for work. She can’t really get these sorts of details about his life from Tomoe. Her throat clenches again as she realises just how much she had missed out and how she’s only been able to see just a small fraction of him the past five years.

Ayato kicks his pants off and he pulls her down. “You’re making a sad face.”

“Am I?” She tries to force out a smile. Ayato chuckles, his hand moving to stroke her head again.

“What’s wrong? Do you not want to do this? You don’t have to force yourself,” he says.

She shakes her head. “Nothing. I was just thinking about how I missed you.”

“You could have come back, you know. I was always waiting.”

“What about your girlfriends?” she asks. “Tomoe kept telling me about them.”

“She kept telling you?” He frowns, confused. “I thought you said you didn’t keep in touch with her.”

She had forgotten what she told him earlier on. “Oh, no. I meant that when we met just now she kept filling me in—”

“You were in touch with her, weren’t you?” he cuts in.

She looks up at him, meeting his eyes. She could continue with the lie, she supposes. But there’s something about this moment right now which stops her from doing so— something making her feel the need to be honest to him. Being close to him right now feels sacred and lying to him feels like it would taint it; it won’t feel as special anymore. Lying might just push her back to the path she was on. She’s afraid that once she starts, she won’t stop.

“I was.”

“Did you ask her about me?” He doesn’t seem angry or upset— just curious.

She nods. “I did. Everytime we spoke.”

He smiles, though it looks sad and weak. He reaches to cup her cheeks. “You could have just come back, you know.”

She nods again. “I know. I should have. I shouldn’t have left.”

“If there’s a problem, we could have worked it out together,” he says.

She’s still nodding but she can feel tears on her face. She brings her hands to her face, taking his hands and holding them together. “I know. I know.”

“Promise me,” he whispers. “You won’t run away anymore.”

“But I can’t,” she chokes. “I can’t leave everything behind. I have my work, my home.”

Ayato smiles and sits up. He wipes the tears off her face with his thumb, cupping her face and leaning his forehead against hers. “Hey, that’s fine. It doesn’t matter where in the world you are. Just don’t run away from _me_.”

She doesn’t get it, but he doesn’t give her the chance to speak. He’s kissing her again, reverting their positions and pushing her down on the bed. His kisses move lower, down her body and towards her waist. He stops at her hipbones, lifting his head up to look at her.

“Can I remove them?” he asks, fingers hooking onto her waistband.

She hesitates for a moment this time. It’s been a long time since she’s been completely bear for him. Even though he’s seen her plenty of times, she can’t help feeling self-conscious. It’s stupid. He isn’t the only one who’s been this intimate with her. She’s been sleeping with guys constantly; the last time she did it was just last week.

“You can,” she says, her voice meek. She closes her eyes as he does so. She feels the cool air brush against her bare skin and she presses her legs together. Her cheeks are burning. She must be so red. Just the thought of that is enough to make her embarrassed. She brings her hands to her face, covering them.

_God, what is this?_

“Hinami,” Ayato chuckles. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” she says immediately, peeking out through her fingers.

“Don’t you want to do this?” he asks.

That question is here again. At this rate, he might actually stop for real even if she tells him to continue. She nods her head and spreads her legs a little.

“There’s nothing to be shy about. I’ve seen you before,” he says flatly. He pushes her legs apart even more and settles between them. “Everything is the same.”

Everything isn’t exactly the same. For one, her heart never beats this crazily when they’re doing it. Even though she realised her feelings for him a long time ago, this is the first time they’re doing with her knowing it.

This is the first time she’s having sex with the man she loves– after realising her feelings, that is.

Right as her brain forms those words, she feels her embarrassment up tenfolds. She squeaks as he brings his face closer to her, feeling his breath against the most sensitive parts of herself. Her legs try to close on instinct, only to be obstructed by his body.

“What’s with you, Hinami?” he asks, somewhat annoyed. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

He’s really going to stop if she continues like this. She nods quickly and drops her hands from her face. She props herself up on her elbows and looks down at him. Ayato has a slight frown and when their eyes meet, he raises an eyebrow.

“Well? Are you sure about this?” he asks again.

“I am. I want to do this with you, Ayato.”

“Are you sure you won’t regret it tomorrow?”

She shakes her head. If she does end up feeling that way, she’ll deal with it the next day. Ayato turns his attention back down. He flicks his tongue out, running it up her slit and then circling her clit. Hinami closes her eyes, letting herself fall back on the bed. She feels his finger pushing in her and she tenses up instinctively. He moves his finger slowly, rubbing against her walls gently. His lips are pressed against her, licking her clit along with the rhythm of his fingers.

She throws her head back, eyes squeezed shut. She feels so good right now even if he’s taking it slow and gentle. She’s been eaten out rougher and harder before, till her eyes blank out from the sheer pleasure and her voice escapes from her throat despite her best wishes to hold it in. She doesn’t feel that way now, but she feels a different kind of good; she feels satisfaction those other men were never able to deliver.

This is real. This is happening.

Ayato lifts his head, looking up at her with a grin. He sits up, looking down at her, chest heaving from his deep breaths. He clears his throat.

“You want this, right?”

“Yes,” she assures him. She’s lost track of how many times he had asked her. Ayato nods and looks down, pulling his boxers down in the process. She’s sure she’s reddening again when she sees his dick. She holds her breath as he leans over, rubbing his tip against her. He’s so hard and she’s so wet right now. They haven’t even done much. They barely spent any time with foreplay. But Hinami doesn’t want to wait any more. Five years is more than enough.

He pushes in and she closes her eyes immediately. He isn’t as big as some of the others she’s slept with, but he fills her up anyway. This. This is what she’s been looking for all while, what she’s never been able to find in these five years. She hears him moan her name as he moves and she opens her eyes. She wants to see him; she doesn’t want to miss a single thing. Ayato looks down at her with furrowed brows. His lips are stretched into a smile, his cheeks dyed red.

Hinami raises her hands, winding it around his neck to pull him to her. She kisses him again, her tongue running along his as she pushes it into his mouth. She feels his hands move against her. One grabs a breast as the other pushes her legs even further apart to let him push deeper into her. He picks up the rhythm, slamming into her harder and faster. Her head is spinning again. She feels her eyes tearing. Ayato continues to kiss down her chin, before latching onto her throat, sucking and nibbling.

He pushes her legs up higher and rests them on his shoulders. He’s going even deeper, hitting that one spot that makes her see stars. She tries her best to keep her eyes open and fixed on him.

“I’m close,” he murmurs.

“Me too,” she says immediately.

“Are you still on the pill?” he asks, gritting his teeth. His movements are getting erratic, desperately seeking the final release.

“N-no,” she gasps, right as he hits deep into her with all his might. She’s barely able to pay any attention to the conversation. Her eyes close despite her wishes. “Outside. You have to— ah.”

Her body tenses up, jolting at the sudden pleasure washes over her. She’s sure she hears his names slipping from between her lips. She has no idea what happens as she rides it out. Her body is trembling, satisfied and spent. She hasn’t felt this way before. No matter how good the previous times had been, she’d never felt this satisfied before. They might be bigger than him, they might be better than him, but all these never mattered to her; they never satisfied her– not the way Ayato can.

It takes a while before she’s back to her senses. She opens her eyes and sits up. Ayato sits in front of her, watching her.

“Don’t worry. I pulled out. Gotta change the sheets later,” he sighs, before turning away.

They fall silent, the previous awkwardness returning with both of them looking away from each other without saying anything. Her heart still hasn’t calmed down. In fact, it seems to be going crazy right now. She can’t seem to calm herself down. It feels like two opposing sides of her are screaming at each other right now. What has she done? What should she do now? This feels like a mistake, but also the best thing to happen to her since she left Tokyo.

“What do we do now?” he asks. There are so many things that they have to talk about right now. But Hinami doesn’t want to worry about all that right now. She doesn’t want to think about the outside right now. She doesn’t want to consider what this means or what it’s going to lead to. She doesn’t want to think about the fact that she can’t be with him, that on Sunday, she’s still going to have to leave Tokyo to go home, back to her life without him. She just wants to enjoy what she has for now.

She leans back into the pillows, holding her hand out to him. “Round two?”

* * *

It’s still dark when he wakes up. He looks up at the window and sees the sky a pink tinge. It’s morning, but it’s still early. The sun must still be rising. He normally doesn’t wake up till it’s bright outside but he had gone to bed rather early the previous night. He’s holding someone close to him and when he looks down, he’s shocked for a moment. He sees the face he’s longed to see for years, but he had never imagined she’ll be this close to him again.

 _That’s right._ Last night did happen, even if it felt like a dream. They did it. He did it with her. After all these years, it finally happened. He managed to find her and she didn’t run away.

He sits up slowly, pulling himself out of her arms while trying not to wake her. Hinami stirs a little, but her eyes remain closed. He watches her for a moment. Only when he’s very sure that she wasn’t woken up does he let himself relax.

It still feels surreal that he has her in his bed right now. He can’t even come into terms with the fact that he found her— what more bringing her to his home and sleeping with her? Throughout the course of last night, he found himself wondering plenty of time when she’d claim to have changed her mind and run off just like that. It never happened and even when time went on and it became obvious that she was staying, he still couldn’t let go of the fear he had. He had already somewhat forced her to come home with him. He didn’t want to do anything else that could be upsetting to her.

When he brought her back, his heart kept beating hard and fast. It had been hard to keep ahold of himself. Sometimes it felt too hard to breathe. Last night felt too similar to the night of the accident– him and Hinami running from the rain, them going to his house, the awkwardness. It had been too similar that it was a struggle to keep himself on top of things, but perhaps it worked to his benefit after all. It was because Hinami noticed his nerves that she started talking about it to him. They had tried to talk then. They managed to talk a little. But there’s still more to discuss. Where do they go from this? What does this mean? What does last night mean?

He considers waking her but decides against it. She looks too peaceful in her sleep, her features smoothened out. He reaches forward still, just to brush her hair out of her face and tuck it behind her ear. He can see her face clearer now. She hasn’t changed at all since the last time he saw her. Even if five years had passed, she hadn’t aged at all. She’s as beautiful as ever. Her being here with him feels too good to be real. He doesn’t know if he can call her his at this point. But if he can, that’ll be a dream far too good for him to believe.

He’s tempted to lie back down beside and her pretend he’s asleep. He still feels the distance between them. He doesn’t know how to approach her. He’s not too sure what’s acceptable and what’s not. He only did everything she wanted to last night. Right now, if he kisses her on the forehead, will it be okay or will she wake up screaming at him? He wants to, though. She looks so pretty just lying there, almost as if she’s without a care in the world.

Maybe in her sleep, she might be carefree and relaxed, but he knows she’s far from that. The Hinami he fell in love with was a kind girl who was always willing to help everyone, even if it meant sacrificing some of her own time for herself— the one who gave him hope and a whole new chance at life. But the Hinami he had gotten to know after was a little bit selfish, a whole lot of destructive and just a big mess of conflicting emotions and unattainable desires that he had to slowly uncover as time went on. His love hadn’t wavered, even if he did question why he keeps doing that for her. He wishes to be as important to her as she was to him, but he knows that the chances of that are unlikely.

But one this is for sure. No matter what she does, no matter how she feels, his love for her is real. If it hadn’t faded in the course of these five years, he knows it won’t fade.

He turns away from her. He should take a shower or something and then get some breakfast. He hadn’t eaten dinner after all. He was supposed to attend Banjou’s wedding reception with his family, but he had left after seeing Hinami. That was his dinner for the day and aside from one sip of coffee, he hadn’t taken anything else, which also reminded him that he had left his coffee on the kitchen counter.

Groaning, he gets up and heads to his closet. He pulls on a pair of sweatpants and picks up his phone before he heads to the kitchen. There was a couple of messages from last night, mostly a couple from Touka demanding to know where he went. He ignores them, pausing at Rio’s message instead.

_Have fun ;)_

Ayato raises his eyebrow and instead of replying, he dials the number instead. He heads outside as he waits for Rio to pick up, entering the kitchen and wincing at the mess he sees on the floor. Hinami’s cup had broken into much more pieces than he had noticed last night. His coffee still remains on the counter. He pours the contents into the sink, turning the tap on to let it wash the drink away. Right as he starts to pick the broken pieces up from the floor, he hears Rio answer the phone.

“What the hell, Ayato? It’s early in the morning,” Rio grumbles.

“Spit it out. What are you up to?” Ayato snaps.

“Nothing, really. I’m just in a really comfortable hotel room right now in one of the top hotels in the country,” Rio laughs.

“I met Hinami last night,” Ayato says, lowering his voice to a whisper as he glances to the entrance of the kitchen. Just as he hoped, Hinami isn’t there. She must still be sleeping, or in his room at least. “Your ‘have fun’ message is a little suspicious.”

“Did you have fun?”

“Yes, but that’s not the point. What’s going on?” Ayato scowls.

“Fine,” Rio huffs. “You know about that conference the other day where they got a bunch of athletes together, right? Tomoe and I met and we talked a bit and the topic of conversation happened to turn into the both of you. We realised you two are two useless idiots who aren’t over the other even after five years so we came up with a plan to get the two of you to meet.”

“So it wasn’t a coincidence that Hinami and I met.”

“Nope. I knew you’re supposed to attend the wedding so Tomoe tried to get Hinami over. It worked out in the end. The both of you had a good fuck and Tomoe and I had a pizza party in a five-star hotel,” Rio continues.

Sometimes he wonders if he’s thankful for his friends. It was a stupid plan they got but it worked and it had given him something nothing in the world had managed to. He sighs, thanking Rio briefly before hanging up the phone. He’s thankful, but he’s still going to get Rio to treat him to a beer for planning such a thing behind his back.

He gathers the remaining broken pieces from the floor and throws them into the bin. Since he’s in the kitchen already, he decides to wash the cups he had left in the sink from last night. If he keeps them there, the dishes will only pile and he’d get lazier and lazier to do them. Touka would come over one day and see the mountain of dishes and she’d wrinkle her nose while nagging at him to wash them. He rather finishes them himself than have her yelling at him. He’s pretty sure he’ll end up seeing her soon if he keeps ignoring her messages like that. But he wants to sort things out before he contacts her again. He’ll have a talk with Hinami and when they have agreed on what’s going to happen next, he’ll call his sister and tell her what happened.

He doesn’t hear the sound of approaching footsteps behind him as he continues to wash the cups. He doesn’t realise Hinami’s there until he feels her hands wrapping around his waist and he feels her lips brush against his back.

“Morning,” she murmurs.

“You’re up early,” he comments. He turns off the tap and turns around to face her, her arms winding tighter around him after he does so. She looks up at him, smiling.

“So are you. I woke up when you opened the door and went out and then I called Tomoe for a bit,” she says. “You won’t believe what she told me!”

“That last night was their plan to get us together? Rio told me.”

Hinami makes a face— partly annoyed but mostly just amused. “I can’t believe I came all the way here for her. I trusted her and she broke it just like that.” Her words sound severe but Ayato can tell she’s only joking.

He laughs slightly along with her, eyes fixed down on hers. “Was it bad they did it?”

Hinami shakes her head. “If I knew about it yesterday, I think I might have gotten upset, but it’s different now.”

“Really?”

She leans into him, resting her head on him. “Yeah, because we managed to talk about some stuff and settle some things, right? I think it’s because of last night that I’m able to look at this right now.” As she speaks, her hand trails up his right arm, stopping right at the scar that stretches across his bicep. He has a couple of scars from the accident but most of them are minor and insignificant— plenty of them had already faded off. But he doesn’t think the one on his arm is disappearing any time soon. He’s sure it’s going to be there for a long time. He can imagine, though, how hard it would be for Hinami to see it had she continued to believe that it’s her fault.

“Are you over it now?” he asks.

“Not completely, but I will be,” she replies. “What about you?”

“Me?”

Hinami looks up at him, a slight frown on her face. “My confession. I know now that it’s from me. Big Brother isn’t the reason I fell for you. He just opened my eyes.”

“I told you, it doesn’t matter to me,” he replies.

“No, but that’s not good enough. I want you to accept it as well,” Hinami says.

Ayato takes a moment to consider it, remaining silent as he watches her. Hinami waits for his answer patiently, giving him the time to think without interrupting him at all. He doesn’t think it’s possible for Hinami to ever show hard evidence to prove this to him. There’s nothing tangible to really tell you what one person feels. All you can do is trust them.

“Then when did it happen?” he asks. “I never noticed it.”

“That night. When you were crying,” she replies immediately.

He doesn’t have to think hard to remember it. There was only one time when he cried in front of her. He remembers noticing some changes in her on that day. Touka had brushed them off and he had gone along with it, but Touka hadn’t interacted with her much that day so it was possible for her not to have noticed. He ended things with Hinami that very night. Of course he wasn’t going to notice anything. He was so stupid.

“What does me crying have to do with you falling in love,” he grumbles.

“I saw a different side of you that day. It felt like I was dealing with the real Ayato, not the one who pretends he doesn’t have any problems and is strong and tough,” she says.

“I am strong and tough,” he insists childishly, looking away from her. This is such an embarrassing topic. He should end it before Hinami says something that he’ll never forget— though it’s unlikely that he’s going to forget any of the things she had just said.

If this is the case, maybe he can accept what she says as well. She has her reasons and it sounds plausible. This is the closest proof he can possibly get. 

They fall silent again. Hinami takes a step away from him, bringing her hands together. He only notices now that she’s wearing his shirt from yesterday. The coffee stain is still in the middle of it, bright and obvious in the light. He hopes it isn’t a permanent stain. It’s one of his favourite shirts. Hinami fiddles with the sleeves, her eyes hanging low. Neither says anything for a long time, both contemplating what they have now and what’s to come for them. They have to make a choice now.

“I have to leave tomorrow, you know,” she says, breaking the silence. “There’s school and I need to be there.”

“It’s fine,” he replies.

“I can’t just suddenly move back into Tokyo or anything, you know,” she continues. “I have my job. I can’t just leave it, at least not till the end of the school year.”

That’s still pretty far away. He knows that he doesn’t have much hope to live together with her right now. He can’t leave Tokyo because of his job and she can’t come back because of hers. Neither of them can just throw it away. He’s known this from the start. He had told himself that it’s fine, that they’ll work something out and that he is prepared for it. But now, having to deal with it directly, his heart sinks and his stomach lurches.

He remembers the dream he has for the future– the fantasy of starting a family with her. It seems unlikely it’s going to happen, not if he’s in Tokyo and she’s somewhere else.

“A long-distance relationship… it’s workable, right?” he suggests.

Hinami gives him a weak smile. “Do you really think we’ll be able to manage a long-distance now? All of a sudden like this?” she asks.

She has a point. There’s a lot of difficulties associated with that kind of relationship. He knows he can trust her and he knows that his love for her will not wane. But he also knows better than to be idealistic now. There’re so many problems that can arise from it. It’s one thing for them if they had been a constantly happy and strong couple, but they’re not. Their relationship has been a mess from the very beginning. If they’re going to make this work, they need to be strong together and they need to constantly communicate with each other— it’ll be even better in person too.

“Then, what do we do?” he asks. “I don’t want you to disappear again.” He’s ready to beg if he needs to. He’ll fall to his knees and cry his eyes out just to stop her from leaving him again. They can be wherever they are in the world but as long as he can see her and talk to her in one way or another, he’s fine with it. He can live with that.

“We can still talk like I do with Tomoe,” she says. “We can talk and text everyday. When I’m free, I can come over for a visit. You can do that too. We can still meet. We can do all those things, but to officially start dating… I don’t think I am ready, especially when we’re living so far apart. We need time, Ayato.”

“So you’ll give me your number?” He brightens up immediately as Hinami nods.

“I will. Let’s talk a lot, okay?” she says, pulling out her phone and fiddling with it. Beside him, on the counter, he hears his phone vibrate. When he looks down at it, he sees a missed call from a new number— her number. His throat goes dry. Her number. He has her number again. He saves it immediately, wasting not even a single second as Hinami smiles while watching him.

“Maybe one day we’ll be able to work something out,” Hinami continues. She looks at him, a slight twinkle in her eyes. “We’ll take it slow, okay?”

He’s transported back in time again, lying with her in bed all the years ago, back when she promised him the same thing. Nothing came out of it then— nothing but pain and more dejection. He hesitates for a moment. For all he knows, it might be a repeat again. Maybe nothing will come out of this. Maybe they’d end up too caught up in their own lives apart to keep up with each other. Maybe things might work out, but what if it doesn’t?

He can only trust her.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to those who read this on here, though i know it's not as many as i used to get in tumblr. it still makes me happy to see a kudos here and there. i was thinking of actually writing another story here on ao3 so we'll see how that works, though i already decided i won't post any on tumblr anymore. i'll see you guys soon! :)

**Author's Note:**

> There's a couple of other chapters and deleted scenes which are on tumblr. I don't normally label them as deleted scenes though. Most of the time they're chapter previews and they happen to be scenes which in the end don't end up in the final chapter. There's also a chapter 3.5 and a valentine day special on tumblr. If you want to read them, you can find them on my blog (lilacflamesss.tumblr.com). There's a link which leads to my fic masterpost and one that leads to my shattered tag (my fic: shattered). You can find these chapters on there if you want.


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